My mother never wants to help with the kidss

[Lucia212]

What can I do in this situation? or any advice anyone can give much appreciated.
My mum lives close by lives on her own very much in her routines but never wants to help with the kids. In 4 years I've never had a night off. I'm exhausted and OH aswell. We've never had a night or day to ourselves either to spend time together. We are both exhausted, juggling full time jobs and kids 24/7 literally.
My mum used to live literally 5 minutes from the kids nursery and never helped with pick ups and we'd be juggling work and racing across town to do it (as we recently moved). During moving home no help with kids then either had to do it all with them aswell. She just makes excuses, my son is still young, they don't go bed at 7, she's on her own to look after 2 kids. She's had my brother's 2 kids on her own only twice though.
Or she often says her mum never helped her out with the kids.
I don't know what the deal is. And when we go anywhere like family gatherings/parties she's just on my case (she's a worrier) calling me every minute to watch the kids or stop them going somewhere or get them something or watch them when they are fine. She could also help if she felt to intervene! I can't relax or sit or chat to anyone. I feel run ragged and she makes life worse and harder rather than easier. My children aren't feral/naughty they're just normal kids so I don't get why she's being so hard on me and not wanting to help.
Last weekend I ended up staying at hers for a 'sleepover' with the kids it was a waste of time as I had a bunch of things I could be catching up with at home and didn't get any sleep I came home worse off!! not doing that again.
She gets upset when SIL's mum is more involved than she is but she's not exactly being helpful and pushing us away if anything.

GPs raised one generation and deserve old-age care and consideration even if they decline to help rear a second generation.

Maybe the villagers are fed up with being told to provide assistance whilst keeping all opinions and advice to themselves. Can't have it both ways.

It sounds like she wouldn’t be suited to looking after them, from what you’ve said about how anxious she is and constantly fussing.

If your children are preschool age (I’m guessing from “not had a break in 4 years”) and your mum is panicky, it’s just not going to be practical her to have them until they’re older.

Your kids are your responsibility. Need childcare? Pay for it. Or you take it in turns to give each other a break.

Why do you expect your mum to provide free childcare? She's done her years of child rearing and now it's your turn.

Presumably she didn't force you to have children?

I always assumed that a grandparent gets to choose when and how to interact with the grandchildren?

If you want a night out, pay for a babysitter. They're not that expensive. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Having three kids is a conscious choice.

Did any of the "unhelpful" GP get any input into the number and timing of the offspring? If not, why would they be expected to ameliorate the situation for those who did?

Yeah, my mum used to be 5minutes away from us and still nothing! She'll just pop round that's it. Even when I gave birth OH was running around all hours of the night from hospital to mums house and back to get DS1. She was too worried about working the next day even though she was remote!!!
I would offer the help too to my grandkids I'm not going to say 'Oh my mum never helped me' as I know how hard it's been for us at times. One day, one afternoon then kids don't even have to sleep over every little helps.
It may be the confidence to have the kids on her own and she's not with a partner who could offer a 2nd pair of eyes and hands to help.
OH's family are a bit far but they may be more helpful.
She can't be on my case about the kids when we go out if she's not willing to help yet sad or left out when the in-laws for both sets of grandkids are more involved than she is.

Go part time and have a few more hours to yourself.
Remember.. they're your kids

Harsh ! Most grandparents actually do want to be involved with their grandchildren!
Maybe you haven’t experienced that ..but normal for most families.

Your mum actually sounds anxious from what you've written, OP. I think that you perceive that she should be helping with your children and there's a definite whiff of expectation for that from you.

Have you had an actual conversation with her about whether she would want to look after them - occasionally? If not, you should do that but also be prepared to accept if she doesn't want to do this, with a good grace.

Do you have a relationship with your mum in your own right? I mean, do you visit/talk on the phone, have a chat sometimes?

For fuck's sake, pack it in with the "harsh" nonsense already. It's just the truth, and like I said, it's unfortunate. It's a fucking shame her mother doesn't want to be involved, but it is true that the op and her partner are the ones responsible for these kids. Her mum didn't get a vote when the op decided to get pregnant, did she?

And before your knickers are in a permanent twist due to being outraged on someone else's behalf, I am a grandmother. I adore my grandchild and love to help out when I can, and when I choose to. I see them nearly every day, but I also work 50+ hours a week and have loads of other responsibilities. My daughter and her husband are the parents, not me. I've done my share of raising kids and I'm not raising theirs.

I think you are the one with your knickers in a twist 😂
You didn’t mention the 50hours a week in your original post but ..

Yup, I am about people like you.

Because the decent grandparents were present at the conception and that's why they're decent?

How ridiculous.

I feel for you OP and all the posters that are in a similar position. Add me to the list! In-laws and my parents do nothing. No reasons except don’t want to or even crosses their minds to help.

Both families like to see DC but it is completely one-sided where we put energy and effort into contacts and visits. No one comes to see us. We want to maintain some relationship between our families so DC can have memories and nice photos of visiting family, whatever that looks like. To look after our own mental health when we feel overwhelmed, we will take a day off work when DC is at daycare.

There's certainly nothing wrong with wishing your mother would help out more, or that you had more family help in general.

But I'm not really sure I understand the "what should I do?" question. Your mother has been very consistent in not wanting to provide childcare or watch your children without you around, and she doesn't need to do so. She didn't ask you to have children or uproot your life to move close to her so she could help. And she absolutely doesn't need to sit for your children in order to have a relationship with them.

So, put your energy into accepting what you do and don't have and finding contentment there. Prioritize finding and hiring paid sitters so you and DH can get out more often, and plan things with your mother and the kids together that everyone enjoys instead of spending the whole time thinking "ugh what a waste of my time I want her to be watching them for me instead." As your children get older and your mother gets more relaxed time around all of you together she may be more comfortable having them alone... but if not so be it. Prioritize the relationships regardless.

I'm really sorry this is the mom you've ended up with. Everyone deserves help and support and even though you chose to have children, it would be lovely if their grandparents supported you and had that relationship with them.

I think the 'you and your husband are the ones who should ...' is an unhealthy attitude. Especially in a time when everyone is stressed and stretched beyond measure.

My grandparents helped my parents, mine helped me and if I'm fortunate enough to have grandchildren, I will support my daughter.

Nothing you can do about it though.
💐💐💐

You don’t sound entitled. You sound pissed off, hurt and confused about why your own mum is so hands off with her grandkids. I’d feel exactly the same in your situation.

Haven’t even read all the comments but guarantee there are loads telling you how you should be honoured if she so much as glances in your children’s direction and you should thank her for doing so. It always amazes me on here. If someone has been so wound up and run down in their life to come on MN and vent, it’s generally because things are pretty bad, they’re feeling low and have come here to seek the support of others. People don’t have to agree with everything everyone says but there are so many of these posts where the comments are just people piling on the poor soul who’s reached out for help.

I feel your pain OP. My in-laws have never lifted a finger to help with the kids and it wouldn’t bother me but they’re the ones who insist on grabbing them off me at any party etc to do the big ‘look at me and my grandkids’!! My mum fortunately does help, I genuinely don’t know what I’d do if she didn’t. I’m on my knees as it is trying to do everything. I then don’t feel I can ask her at weekends though so we have just never had a dinner or any kind of outing without the kids since they were born nearly 4 years ago. I used to think we were fine and it didn’t affect us not having any of these ‘date nights’ I see my friends posting about every second week, but we are now hitting a point where we’re both just so run down with life and it does feel like the two people we were pre-kids are long gone since we haven’t been able to do anything without them. I’ve looked into paying a babysitter before but my husband wasn’t happy leaving them with someone we couldn’t 100% trust, they wouldn’t know them and it was also going to cost more than the night out 🙈 I don’t know what the answer is OP. I have just figured you can’t force people to help or want to spend time with your kids, if they don’t then you just have to take it as their loss

People are right in saying she does not owe you childcare, but equally, you do not owe her access to your kids. If they are so bothersome to her, then presumably she won't mind not seeing them. So when she asks for a visit, feel free to say no. If she doesn't like it, too bad.

Because she doesn’t want to and doesn’t have to. End of. You chose to have kids. It’s your fault you expected support that was never offered.

She’ll be moaning in a few years when they’re all older and less work, that she won’t have a good connection with them. It really is her loss. Keep going though, it gets easier. It just feels like you’re in these early years forever, but it gets easier. Hang in 💕

I've certainly become a lot more detached from my mother as a result. It's not wanting free childcare. It's wanting some kind of interest in her own grandchildren, or recognising that even once a year she could give her own daughter some help. It's so bittersweet when I see all the doting grandparents and it just makes me realise I will never be this selfish and leave my children to struggle when I could do something about it.

We get the performances when there's an audience too. All the "come on, nanny will play with you!" whilst looking round to see if anyone is acknowledging nan of the year.

"I'd like some help" is very different from what you're saying. "I'd like some help" isn't entitled.

"I don't know what the deal is" - the deal is they're your kids, not hers. "We're exhausted" - they're your kids, not hers. "She just makes excuses" - she's got nothing to 'excuse'. "She's being so hard on me" - no, she's not. That's you sounding as though you think you're entitled to help from her when you're not.

I completely get that it's difficult and you'd like a break, but you're not actually 'owed' one by anyone, not even your mum. People are bristling at your attitude towards her, not the idea of wanting a break.

I feel sorry for you op. I know a lot of mn will tell you that it was your choice to have kids or that she's already done with her own kids but I just cannot imagine never wanting to be involved and a helping hand for my children looking after future gc. I wouldn't even call it looking after, it's more of spending time with them and being part of their lives and allowing my dd/ds to have that off evening off to go on a date and remember what it's like to be a couple again switching off from parenting.

I would love to join their holidays and look after the gc so dd/ds can enjoy that cocktail by the pool and sunbathe as I would have many other weeks to go on holiday if I wish whereas it's their only chance to bond as a couple and switch off from parenting even if it's a couple of hours. Parenting is relentless and I would to be able to offer help when needed as I've had so much help from my own parents and I'm so grateful. My in-laws are the opposite though and extremely selfish and I resent anytime I spend with them.

She's done her parenting and obviously doesn't want the responsibility of looking after grandchildren. It's not her responsibility to provide childcare