Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

I'm sorry you are going through this. 35 years is such a long time. Of course there is another woman. I know it's hard but try to be as detached as he is and go and see a divorce lawyer as soon as you can.

I know you're in a state of shock but you need to get a list of your joint finances asap and make an appointment to see a solicitor to find out your position. Hes one step ahead of you by asking for a divorce so you need to catch up. Once you know where you stand financially/legally then you need to think carefully about what YOU want to do and think about a plan if he's serious about divorcing.

It's so tough. There's no one who can tell you if he'll come back, but yes, sometimes they do. You may not want him back, when you eventually adjust to things.

It is so hard to cope. You won't be able to make sense of things at the moment and for some time to come. Take things slowly, minute by minute, hour by hour, etc. Be gentle with yourself.

Sorry to hear this, I don't think there is anything you can do when he's made his mind up about divorcing.
Whatever the reason, if it is an ow then more fool him to Chuck it away for a bit of fun, most relationships don't turn into anything long lasting like yours did, he may come to regret it but would you want him then. In future when you've healed and become stronger, I'm sure you won't.
Although it does seem scary to start a new life but you are still in control of you and there will be plenty of good moments and changes to come.

There’s another woman.

Stay stoic - this is just the trash taking itself out.

Focus on your future without him; he almost certainly won’t come back. And if he did, you would be doing yourself a disservice taking him back.

🌷Sadly, it’s usually rare for them to return.

If he’s at the point of moving out, ice coldness and cruelty, with an OW in the wings… then he’s made up his mind.

But - as you said - he is now a stranger. You may not feel it yet but ponder this :- what advice would you give a friend or your daughter if their partner had suddenly altered so unkindly?

Please, start getting your ducks In a row. Copy all financial documents. Lawyer up, use your MN friends here, and Do Not trust him. He is now only interested in his own gain and survival.

Be strong x

(((HUG)))

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but everything will be ok.

its scary, it's lonely & right now you'd happily chop off a limb if you could have him back. But you won't always feel like this xx

He's rewriting history at the
moment, he will say some hurtful shit he needs to believe to stop him feeling so guilty.
(He's been unhappy for a long time. He doesn't love you or if he does 'but not like that')

eventually 'he didn't have an affair with her. they got together after you separated'

I can feel your heart breaking, so it's hard to say this to you, but don't hold out for him 'coming back', don't 'take him back' because you won't get the marriage back that you had before. That's gone. You'd simply be living with someone who has broken your heart & you can't trust.

as shit as it is, try to accept it's over. It doesn't change the good memories you have of all those years together & bringing your kids up.

I can't emphasise how important it is to get your shit together & look forwards. Don't waste time burying your head in the sand. Face up to it & move forwards...

Big Hugs because it is absolutely shit xx

I’m sorry op, you’re hurting yourself even more holding onto a cruel hope he will come back. The marriage is over. You need to seek some help to get you through this, possibly your gp, focus on self care, sleep, eat. And also focus on your future, yes it will look different.

please don’t focus on another woman, if maybe an affair, if maybe a head turn, they could be friends, it’s irrelevant. As this is not about her.

Actually it's not true that it's rare for them to come back. Most men do at least try and return - mine did. The problem is usually that the damage they caused is so great that the marriage is wrecked anyway and the spouse no longer wants them . Best advice is to keep your distance and look after yourself whilst he goes through his selfish little psychodrama on his own.

Thank you for your kind responses. I'm an accountant so have good insight into what we have - and haven't! I have a friend whose wife is a family solicitor so I can talk to her but I just don't want to as it makes it real, I just want him to come back, to say it was a horrible mistake and that he has had a breakdown. I can hardly breathe with the pain and the panic.

I'm sitting here in our house that we have had for over 30 years, our lovely home and he wants it gone. The OW is younger than me and very pretty. I'm not. I think her DH will be devastated too if she leaves him as publicly at least they seem like a very happy and well-matched couple.

I'm sobbing again now. The pain is excruciating, I miss him. I just want him to come home. I know how pathetic i sound but I feel like i am going mad with it all.

Some of them come back when they realise the woman they've deserted you for, aren't going to coddle them like their mother did, or take care of them the way you did before he strayed. If there's explosive sex then it will eventually trail off, and that's usually when they realise they've fucked up and want to "come home sheepishly", full of apologies and promises. Downside will be that he's probably gotten the OW pregnant, so then you'll be tied together for life.

It's fucking horrible. I'm sorry your husband is another disappointing man.

At this moment in time you have gone into a state of panic - you can't imagine life without him and you would accept any old shit for him to just come back. This WILL change in time and you will feel better. Reading how you feel - there is nothing in there that many other posters have not felt, it is all normal.
However I will say that your attitude to all of this will decide how your future goes. I know women who just sit and talk about their ex husbands all the time and have continued in a stilted bitter life of blame and misery and I know ones who have said well you know it's a shit thing to happen but I will bloody well live my life well. It's your choice. You are a long way from this though and it does take time. You will eventually realise how common this is. You deserve better than this.

So sorry this has happened 🌺

The worst time is now. Is there someone around to cuddle you and that you can cry to?

Firstly you are not pathetic, you are ina lot of pain and that is understandable. There is already a heap of good advice here and you seem smart and switched on and ultimately will be able to navigate your way through the practical issues ahead. Perhaps the reason the advice here focuses on the practical is that there is less advice possible to help take away the pain and grieve for what you have lost. You need the support of people around you. The physical hugs and the comfort of real friends. If there is an OW, just remember it is not because you are insufficient in any way. Only because he failed to be open about what he felt lacked in his life. You have still been a good wife and are a good woman in all senses of that. Stay strong and don't be afraid to cry and let your emotions out. But from this point of despair you will be able to move forward and there will be a better happy future for you somewhere when you are ready for it. For now though you need to protect yourself and make sure you have a fair outcome for you.

So very sorry OP ❤️ I believe you are going through the stages of grief, denial being one of them. They don’t necessarily happen in order, nor does everyone experience all of them, but it’s very normal for you to be feeling this way after such a devastating discovery.

He might come back, when he realises whatever grass he's gone chasing isn't as green as he thought it was. The question is whether you'd want to take him back when he comes with his tail between his legs because whatever it is he chose over his 35 year marriage wasn't what he expected it to be. Could you be ok with being second choice? That'll stay in your heart forever, a betrayal like that. Whatever love and relationship you had before is dead now, so even if he did come back you'd be working with a completely different relationship. Not saying you couldn't piece it back together, just saying there's no rewind button on actions like this.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you 💐 there are countless threads on here from women going through the same, and what you'll see in the longer running ones is the women eventually finding their strength, their anger, and eventually their happiness. Things seem bleak now because you're in shock. I know it's a trite and cliché thing to say, but it truly does get better with time.

I do have a telephone appointment with the GP tomorrow. I can't imagine not wanting him back, we have been 'us' for so long. Along with the DC he has been at the center of my universe. I have had a good career but really all that ever mattered to me has been him and our DC, and of course my siblings, and my DPs when they were alive. We had so many plans for the future and now what is there left? There is just this horrible yawning chasm of a life without him where he has chosen to leave.

Dear God, the agony of this. I wasn't foolish enough to think it could never happen to me, but he was always so totally critical of men who left their wives for OW.

I know that to many of you i must sound pathetic and should woman-up. I'm really sorry, I'm just in such a dark place.

Yes they do. But you may not want him after you have been through the whole set of emotional phases that happen after this sadly common scenario

He is not thinking about you. All focus is on the exciting and new. Be smart. Put yourself first. Be dignified. Get lawyered up. Be inscrutable. Fuck him. I am so sorry.

I couldn't just read and run
I am so sorry.
But it is true that even if he wanted to come back he has badly damaged your trust respect and relationship and you would still really struggle
Look after yourself, gather your friends and resources and best wishes

The bottom just fell out of your world, you're more than allowed to be spiralling right now. Don't try and stop it, it only makes it worse. Five minutes at a time.

So sorry this is happening to you.
They rarely come back.
My advice is make sure YOU control the narrative early.
Don't let him have the upper hand with what he tells people about some sort of mutually agreeable separation.
Make sure everyone knows he's a cheating man (there will be another woman) and that HE has done this.
This includes kids and all mutual friends.
He needs to take the flak for this morally.
How this hits him and you financially will depend on your respective shared assets. Your legal friend will advise.
Read the chump.lady website
Read abandoned wives by Vikki Stark.

This is the worst time, of course you’re devastated and tearful. Recognise that you’re grieving, for your assumed future and the man you thought he was.Allow that then… counterintuitively you need to present a strong front - this gives you back some control and he won’t expect that - crying and begging won’t work. When he says it was an unhappy marriage - agree with him - say you’ve realised that now - be calm and measured in responses - break down later if needs be but face it head on - you will be happy again for sure. A middle aged man stepping into a situation that has an upset young husband and children won’t be easy. Now that the exciting secret is out he may well regret it. Dress well, game face on - you may well find that he wants to come back but I’m pretty sure by then you’ll have seen him for who he is and want more for yourself - and more is waiting.

Chump lady website is great - find your anger and self respect but be objective when communicating with him.

IF there is another woman, and it is simply not true that there "always is" - he may just be having a mid-life crisis and wants to have some experience of life on his own, there is every chance of him him coming crawling back when he realises "she" is not what he wants (or vice versa). I have at least two friends to whom this has happened. Neither wanted the deserting partner back, too much water under the bridge by then. Just sayin'. Wishing you all the best, try to make a life for yourself as others have said, one day at a time. If and when he does come crawling back, you too may well have moved on by then. Good luck!

Other tips.
Don't drink alone at home.
Rally your (own) friends and tell them early. You will need their support.
Get copies of all document relating to shared assets now. Be like a stealth detective. Book a solicitor appointment now. The best you can afford. They do a free consultation usually.

Yes to time off sick. See if your work have a private counselling service that's quicker than NHS waits.
Don't play the 'pick me' game. This is what he will want and expect.
Your aim now is to be detached and neutral. At all times.
Wife work stops NOW. No washing and ironing. Separate rooms. He needs to move out stat.
I've been there. I probably sound harsh you now but in the first few days I honestly thought if I was sweet and accommodating enough he'd change his mind.
He won't.
They only care about a new life without you and have been planning this for months.