Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

I've been there, felt the pain, the loss of everything that you thought your life was and would be. I was prescribed the antidepressants and stopped after a month because I realised I was not depressed, I was grieving.

While she is still with her husband it's all a pipe dream for him. Best you don't say anything to her husband in my opinion, you don't want to force her hand and make it easier for them to find solace from their "wicked/psycho" exes who have the temerity to be bloody furious at what they have done.

Take the advice to get wills and any other legalities sorted asap. Absolutely say no to estate agents, he can't sell your home without you agreeing.

Don't do the pick me dance. As others have said he's already decided it's not you, so hard as it is get cold and ruthless on him like he's doing to you. He's not a nice man he's a cold, hard hearted liar who has been spinning you a line for a long time.

Things will get better, you will feel normal again. It won't happen overnight , but gradually day by day you will get bits of you back. You've probably lost a pile of weight if you're not eating, go and splash out on some new clothes that make you feel good.

I am 26 years on from this happening to me and I could still punch the OWs lights out if I saw her in the street. I never think about them anymore but just occasionally I see her at an event or in the park and I'm shocked by the adrenaline that takes over. I've not acted on it and neither should you, but be prepared for this bit.

If I could reach out and hug you I would. Keep on keeping on, your anger will arrive and when it does use it wisely. Legal advice, legal actions and grey rock to him. Surround yourself with friends and family who love you. Be wary of medication unless you're sure you need it, coming off antidepressants can feel nearly as awful as being dumped.

I think the advice to find angry is stupid.
The sooner you process the divorce and sort out the finances the better it will be for the op. Don't waste tens of thousands being angry.

It's not stupid.
The anger is what helps you do the exact things you suggest.

There is a difference between anger & bitterness.
Anger will help the OP defend herself and move on.

Bitterness is what keeps you stuck and is to be avoided.

Definitely get angry though, OP, it will motivate you.

Let's focus on moving forward. Instead of arguing over injustice, let's work on finding constructive solutions. Arsing about costs money and prolongs the situation.

Anger is appropriate and necessary. It is what gives you strength

Exactly this.

But when you are floored by something so hurtful & devastating as the OP currently is, it's anger & a survival instinct that comes from it which gets you up off the floor & able to act.

I think you'll find that's not allowed if he part owns the place, sadly. You can use a chain while you're in and get a Ring camera or similar to check he's not going in while you're out, though.

That's a brilliant idea!

I bagged up all my cheating ex's stuff
And threw it out of the window onto his head! Not my finest moment but if helped me. The house was mine so I was able to lock him out. You cannot if it's jointly owned. But you can bag up his stuff, he'll need it if he's getting a divorce.

@Pleasenotme Do not move!
I'm not a Lawyer, but how can he order the house to be sold without your approval?
You NEED your home, your retreat , otherwise your life is in real risk.

Your emotional wellbeing is far too fragile, and the very last thing you need to be facing is the loss of your safe home.

The man is a brute to even think it.

I almost guarantee it's knicker dropper suggesting this.

''sell the house and we can afford somewhere together''

Stay put.

Like a limpet.

Stay strong! 💪

I believe a joint owner can force a sale unless there are certain circumstances which would legally prohibit that. Children living in the property usually.

Unless OP could buy the bastard out ?

He wants it all done quick sticks though - so he can get on with his lovely down sized life ...

I'd make him wait and wait. I'd make my answers to do with selling the property vague and make him do all the legal donkey work. No more phone calls. Emails only. Which take a while to answer after all ....

At the same time i would want an idea of the true value of the house for myself, i need not share any new knowledge with him obvs.

and i'd certainly bag his stuff up put it all in the garage.

You have been on my mind so much since I first read your post. Sending you so much strength and very glad you're getting superb advice. Sending you a very unmumsnet huge hug

@Pleasenotme you may want to start another thread as this one is almost full.

Regarding the Will, Whilst you are both married, I think should either of you die, the property passes automatically to the other party.{?}

{Please not die, @Pleasenotme - This would be a gift to him and the OW}

It has to be OW suggesting this, as her current husband will be entitled to stay in their shared house as they have young children.{?}

Is it possible to force a sale if one of the householders is acutely ill?

It's said bereavement, Divorce and a house move are the three main stressors on a person.

To make you even consider moving, so soon after having your safe world imploded is more than unfair.

You need good legal advice.

You are far too fragile to consider moving.

thiswasmefouryearsago
OK. Have installed front and back entrances a ring camera.
Maybe when you feel up to it have house agents of your choice to value your home.

Start a new thread is this is nearly full.

I am very sorry you're going through this and you have had some very good advice and support here.
The one piece of advice I would add, is to stop crying to your boss.
if you love your job and want to keep it, stay professional. Keep it as the part of your life that will remain a static and that you will feel positive in for the future.
As much as your boss is sympathetic at the moment, she is not a friend or family and her sympathy will wear off.
It will also be something that you will be in control of without any influence from him.

I would agree with this. I had a similar thing with a female employee. And I did listen and check in , more as I needed to understand her plans, and of course to show empathy, and she offloaded a lot. And part of me felt very surprised she was doing so, and quite dismayed. I wasn’t her friend, I wasn’t the right person.i was her manager trying to show support but mainly understand how to manage her absence and capabilities during this period.

Oh OP, I’m so sorry, I can really feel your pain & anguish. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
I had a similar thing around 10 years ago. We weren’t married & hadn’t been together anywhere near as long as you & your DH but he left me for a work colleague that I knew (we actually met at work so I had worked alongside this woman). It all sounds very familiar in terms of how cold & detached they become. I wish I had known about mumsnet then. I didn’t get angry & I regret it as I feel like my emotions turned inward & I became very depressed. As an aside Sertraline has been amazing for me with very few side effects so I hope you get on ok with it.
I do have to echo what pp said about your work/ boss however. I didn’t have a great relationship with my boss but I had to tell her what was going on as she was making all sorts of demands & I couldn’t meet them. I cried a few times at work & she pulled me up on having confided in a few work colleagues about it saying ‘everyone seems to know about your break up.’ I don’t know, I just feel it can be used against you a bit. Something to consider.
Do start another thread OP, we’re all here to support you.

All the advice is great IF OP wants to facilitate and expedite a divorce. She does not appear to want that at this point. Maybe she will decide she does, maybe she won't. All the hectoring and ordering that she must DO things isn't always helpful. Sometimes it is better to sit with your emotions, take a bit of time to process and decide for yourself how to proceed.

I know that isn't a popular view on MN. I have been where OP is, in very similar circumstances, and treated my H with grace, even when he didn't deserve it. I chose to be true to myself and who I am. I took all the legal advice which included that there was no urgency to divide things up, I had months of counselling, and lived for me and my kids. I got myself to a place where emotionally it was my decision what happened next. And I am happy with my outcome.

And it’s great your ex gave you the time to do that, but this man can expedite and serve divorce papers. With timelines to respond. It’s fab it was done on your time, but that’s hugely unlikely to be the case here.

as such its best to advise on the ops situation and not make this about you and yours.

I am not divorced.

@Pleasenotme Narnia - loved those books- still got a boxed set from childhood that has come everywhere- Will re-read them thanks to you.

There was also a potion in those stories which if partaken of could quell all illness and pain- immediately.

Like Homer's Nepenthe.

Agree with the people saying don't speak with him - it just opens up old wounds, as your instinct is to confide in him as - well, that's what you've been doing for the last 35 years.

Get your solicitor to write to him and say you do not consent to the house being sold and all communication is via the solicitor from now on. Be a bloody pain in the arse - he's clearly got a plan laid out where he quickly gets the money from the house and immediately moves on and buys somewhere so the knicker dropper (good name) can move in with her spoiled offspring. So don't help him with that and drag your heels. Let him know that life without you is awkward and unpleasant. And don't die - if only because that will be helping him with his plan. You're a strong, smart woman, but this is one hell of a blow. Is there any way you can have take a short break abroad, for instance? Anything to get you out of the area with all your memories. It really helped me when this happened to me - it was like I was on the outside and could finally see clearly.

so the knicker dropper (good name) can move in with her spoiled offspring

its one thing to speak offensively about the ow. It’s a whole new low to slag off her kids, kids who if the op is right, will have their lives upended.

this isn’t eastenders where you get to salivate over story lines, moving to insulting little kids is not forgivable. Shame on you.

Got to say, I find 'knicker dropper' misogynist too.

Totally support the OP, but I don't think framing things in that kind of language is going to help her