Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

I know it's kind of useless to say it to you but I think the best thing you can do in this situation is completely ignore him. Kill him in your own mind. Don't speak to him. Don't acknowledge him. Don't communicate with him about anything, make him go through solicitors. Leave his stuff out the front of the house and change the locks. Grieve and have your break down in private, don't ever let him see you cry or beg ever again. If it was me I'd call in sick and book myself a flight out of the uk. Your kids sound grown up. Change the locks fly away for a week. I'm sure he will be messaging you then. And when he does, ignore him and keep ignoring him. I've yet to meet a person who can tolerate being ignored. If you want his attention then ignore him. Leave him to manage his new life as a divorcee with half his assets removed and a new demanding younger woman with young kids he has to play stepfather to. In a few years you will be laughing your head off.

He's had 35 years to regret marrying you

Perfectly put.

What a twat. Do they come back, sometimes, but plan without him. Men never return to a begging woman, more chance if you tell him to go and wave him off. Hard but true.

@Pleasenotme

Please read this thread a lovely lady Gingerloaf is 6 weeks down this road. I'm very sorry yet another mumsnetter is in this awful place

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5136910-blindsided-by-h

It’s the same story over and over again. Im nearly expecting it now, like it’s just a matter of time before it happens all of us.
Its awful.

Of you have an Employee Assistance Programme at work you can call up for free counselling, and it’s totally confidential. Your daughter sounds lovely.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. If he came back it will never be the same, he showed no respect for you and now he blames you for everything. There was a thread on this site recently of others relating the things their partners cruelly said to them. Maybe someone else can find it.

You have to make an appointment with a solicitor as soon as possible taking all the legal papers you can get your hands on, including his wages. You say you have a friend who is one. Don’t wait hoping, the sooner you get the legal side of things clear, the more secure you will feel, instead of what he wants to do you will be able to hold some of the cards.
Take care of yourself. X

The crap they come out with never surprises me now. So vicious and cruel when they know that their spouse is already devastated.

Unless hes rich she might not leave her husband for him so it might all come crashing down. Even if she does and she has young kids it won't be as exciting as it is now with small children in the mix.
Try not to beg, when you are a bit further along you will probably regret that more than anything
Its so so hard. I wish you all the best

Hopefully your feelings about wanting him back will change.

He has no love or respect for you.

Just contempt & disdain.

Tell him you’ve made an appointment to see a lawyer

I would not do this. Keep your cards close to your chest.

No doubt he would hotfoot to a lawyer himself if he hasn't already....
He's not your friend now.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You WILL come out stronger, be kind to yourself.

Stay stoic - this is just the trash taking itself out.
Wise words @Crushed23

This was my first thought 🤣🤣. Their exciting illicit life will come crashing down to earth very quickly. Child vomiting bugs, Centre Parcs holidays, finding babysitters before going out for the evening, children’s TV blaring etc. By the sounds of it they are at very different stages of life

Does her husband know? I would let him in on the secret if you’re fairly sure it’s her

This. Tell him nothing. He isn’t your friend and he will use things against you if he can do

@workshy46 that was my biggest regret - playing the pick me dance. But it's so hard.

I know it's kind of useless to say it to you but I think the best thing you can do in this situation is completely ignore him. Kill him in your own mind. Don't speak to him. Don't acknowledge him. Don't communicate with him about anything, make him go through solicitors. Leave his stuff out the front of the house and change the locks. Grieve and have your break down in private, don't ever let him see you cry or beg ever again.

Please try to follow this advice op.
He doesn't respect you. And he never will.

If anything goes tits up with this woman he will run straight back fully believing you will take him back. He will always view you as someone who let's him treat you like absolute dirt. He even told you he thinks you have no self respect.

Listen to him.

I'm not trying to be cruel OP but his actions AND his words have shown you that he doesn't care at all. He is making up lies about you.

Give him nothing. No time, no attention, no words.
All he has done is take from you.
Give everything you have, to yourself.

Oh you poor thing OP.

You are terribly shocked and you sound so raw with hurt and shock.

I agree with all the practical things previous posters have said but please know this: the man you thought you knew is gone. He was your everything , but who really is he now if he is prepared to be so heartless, cruel and unfaithful to you? You are loving the past man, and your history, not the man he is now.

Try to come to terms with this, as impossible as it must seem. There is a future for you, and I hope it one where you wouldn't want him back in a million years

You can also telephone your local NHS crisis team if you're anxious and need to talk

Do they come back, occasionally yes, but mine came back "for the babies sakes" and 4 months later was gone again. Both babies still under a year old.
Many many months later he wanted back again but I refused.

Be kind to yourself. But also get stuff sorted, divorce lawyer, copies of documents, etc. And do your level best to not play the pick me dance.
Even if it works and he chooses you, you dont know how long that will last. And if it doesnt work, you will feel awful in time that you did.
Be strong in front of him, cry and wail when hes gone.

And I'm so sorry, I know you'll feel better one day, but it feels really shitty right now.

Dear OP. You're hurting so much.

Your husband has been very cruel to you, rewriting the reality of your long marriage. How dare he.

I hope you'll soon find your anger. Get a good lawyer.

You need to be several steps ahead of this man.

If he comes back, just tell him you've already started divorce proceedings, because he'd told you what an awful wife you'd been............. play him at his own game.

Your post is full of love towards this man, who is not worthy of you. Here you often read 'you deserve better' - people are writing this, not knowing if the person deserves better or not, it seems to be a standard phrase here.

But you clearly deserve better, your post is full of love, not hatred towards him. He hurt you, he betrayed you and you still love him and want him back. There are not many people like you, not many people can love like you.

For your sake, I hope the creep never comes back - you had the best years together, you enjoyed his young mind, his young body. Let the bitch (and she is a piece of shit this woman if she breaks up two families to scratch an itch) contend with his aging body and his aging mind, you took his best years, remember that and treasure it in your memory, and let him go and please do not take him back when he comes crawling, don't. You really deserve better.

Thank you, you are so very kind, the kindness of complete strangers. I'm slumped over my laptop just bawling. I'm a line manager for many people and am considered a SME in my field, but now I feel so helpless and so inadequate and I can't imagine standing in front of a room of people or chairing a meeting ever again. I'm just completely diminished. And I'm also ashamed as so many people, right now as I type, are going through the most awful events in their lives which result in losing people they have loved in awful ways, or battling with cancer, or facing an imminent threat or the reality of conflict, and I'm sobbing about a man who seems able to dispose of me like a used tissue.

The irony of the OW is that her children, both under 5, are very difficult and spoilt as they are endlessly indulged with literally no boundaries laid down, and in the past my DH has commented on this. My DD has babysat for them and has a torrid time on every occasion and she is great with kids. For the PP who has asked, I don't have her DH's telephone number but I do know where he works so could contact him that way. But something is stopping me, perhaps the sense that once i tell him all hell will let loose and any chance of my DH returning will have gone. And her husband is a lovely man and will be shattered.

My DH is 18 years older than her if she is as I think, 39. Like her he is super fit and very attractive and was a semi-professional athlete in his youth. I felt uncomfortable when we first started socialising with her and her DH, as part of a larger group, as I noticed she paid my DH a lot of attention but then that diminished so I thought no more of it and I've always known his views on infidelity. His dad repeatedly betrayed his mum and my DH had nothing but contempt for him over that. The OW cultivated me but then that cooled off too, to the extent I wondered what I had done to upset her. She sent me a message not so long ago, asking if I wanted to go with her to an event in our town. I told her I was away with work but of course she was double-checking whether I was going to be home or not. In retrospect, they were hiding in plain sight. I've been a fool.

This is absolutely spot on.

Your pain is so raw @Pleasenotme. I know that you are too hurt to be angry right now. So I will be angry for you.

How dare he? How fucking dare he make up lies to justify his deceit. How dare he put the blame on you. She’s 39 with young kids - does he think she will run off and leave them? He’s an idiot.

What’s he going to do, play happy families with another man’s dc in the park on a weekend along with all the dads who mistake him for Grandad? Dickhead.

Once the pain starts to subside, the anger will start to filter through. In the meantime, focus on food, water, sleep and showering. Then the money, protect your money/assets.

Keep posting. Day or night. We are here, hand holding and listening.

OP you haven't been a fool.
You trusted your husband.

He's the fool! Fancy throwing your long marriage away just to shack up with a woman who has two very young DC.

Hes rewriting history to make himself feel better. Its cruel at your expense. Im so sorry that youve been treated so cruelly. I have been through similar with my ex husband but only after a decade. Its still probably the worst ive ever felt in my life. I couldn't imagine ever being ok again.

OP. You WILL be ok. It's awful right now. You cant make sense of something like this so don't bother trying to.
Try and be gentle to yourself.

I am so sorry @Pleasenotme . You have had the most horrible unexpected shock and right now you are blindsided. I am a year on from when my ex h and I split and it was my decision. He left me no choice but has been treating me and the dc unbelievably bad.

However, I divorced him, have a good settlement, have found a new home, sold mine and have the dc supporting me.

He's back in his childhood room at his mums, the kids are disgusted with him and he's not coping well.

It is awful but you will come out of this stronger than you'd ever believe and you will stop loving him once you realise who he really is.

I think he may well try to come back, but you're not going to look at him in the same way, are you?
Not knowing that he was able to let so many cruel words past his lips.