Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

No, he just needs to paint you as the problem in order to make himself look like the victim, or at least not like the villain. He may even have convinced himself it's the truth (with a bit of encouragement from OW). Don't let him convince you though!

Gosh, I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You are quite rightly devastated.

Sending hugs xx

They often do return but will you really want him after what he's done? Not only has he shat on your marriage/life together by skulking off with someone else but he's treated you awfully AND lied about everything. I'm sorry but he's not the person you thought he was. Men are very often extremely selfish people, for example they'll move on and as soon as soon as another opportunity presents itself they'll move on again. I am so sorry, you are really going tbeough the worst of it at the moment. Please be careful with yourself OP. I know it's easier said than done but you need to then the focus to yourself, reach out to others who you trust to help you and just focus on getting through the next bit of time with minimal contact with him.

Can I give you some advice? Don’t whatever you do, show him how you’re feeling. Don’t beg, don’t plead or cry. When you speak to him deal with him as if he’s a complete stranger for whom you have absolute contempt. Get legal advice and start the divorce yourself. Make sure you get every penny from him you can. Cry behind closed doors or to trusted friends who won’t tell him. The pain is excruciating and life altering but you will come out the other side, and I doubt very much you will ever want him back once you have adjusted to this body blow. He doesn’t deserve you and one day you’ll realise that life is better without him in it. He’s not the man you thought he was He’s weak and pathetic and not to be trusted. It’s quite likely he may come crawling back once the novelty has worn off, but it’s highly likely you won’t want him when that happens.

Mine tried to come back but by that rime I felt that I had seen such a horrible side to him that he had become a stranger to me and there was no way it could have worked. I had seen that he was capable of lies and emotional cruelty, He'd even told his mum that we had agreed amicably to part, when in fact I had caught him having an affair! All I wanted was maintenance for our baby but the piece of shit even managed to evade that so that was further proof that he was not the person I thought he was

I am so sorry. I read something recently about relationship breakdowns and the fact that you really do feel terrible partially because of hormones/chemicals in the body which react to the situation. Xx

You know if she does leave her husband and they get together he'll be back to standing bored in parks and crappy family restaurants and kids tv and tedious things that are not tedious when they are your kids, but someone else's when you are going to move on to a time in your life when you can please yourself.

Yes, that sort of thing tends to dampen the ardour somewhat.

You asked if they ever come back; my dad did. He left my mum for OW and got tired of OW within about 6 months, and my mum let him come straight back. Big mistake. He never got to the root of the issues and within a couple of years he had found another OW and left again. The divorce was horrible. IF your DH ever makes mention of coming back, made it hard for him, insist on counselling to get to the root of the issues, make him live elsewhere first, make him realise he cannot just drop you and pick you up according to his whims.
I am so sorry for what's happened to you, it must feel as if a bomb has gone off in your life, the same for your kids too even if they are grown up. All I can say is it does get easier, just a little bit, each day, and one day you'll realise you didn't think about him at all.

I had tears in my eyes reading it too, wanted to make her a cup of tea and give her a hug.

I'm so sorry this has happened. The next few days will be a horrible blur so keep things to a minimum. Plan the next few meals, make sure you've got enough pants and just try to keep your head above water. Tell your closest friends, even if it's hard to do, its somehow worse telling them later so get it over with.

@Pleasenotme you are not awful like he is describing. He is rewriting the narrative of your marriage to justify his actions. It’s otherwise know as The Script.
He sounds a lot older . She will dump him after 5 years when he start me to age and be old. Will be just what he deserves! Look after yourself x

Ok so slightly different situation here but similar too. No ow as far as I know but at the start of the summer me and dh sat down and he told me he’d been unhappy for the last year. We’re together 20 years, 4 dc. He said he didn’t know if he saw me in his future, and was really confused. I bawled hysterically, stayed up all night. The next few days I told everyone I had the worst hayfever, wore more make up and concealer than I ever had and he did what you said - blanked me, said he needed space. This continued for days until the following weekend when I went to my mums for two days, went into town, and on friends advice, started making the weird journey of trying to remember who I was before him. Window shopping, getting make up done, went to an art gallery, a gorgeous walk, read a book, went to visit a stables, and the whole time would take time to cry and listen to break up music (delta Goodrem and Olivia Rodrigo and Allan is morrisette and little mix). I came back to him still sullen but me feeling something. I’ve changed. I say I now instead of we. I work on keeping happy, keeping the kids not knowing and happy and we’ve talked a bit. I don’t know if we’re going to stay together and I regularly have to leave the room because my heart feels like it may break, but if we do break up- it’s not meant to be. I will not stay with him for the kids or to pretend anything- op whatever happens, you are a person and you deserve to be yourself and be happy and not walking on eggshells or hoping he might feel happy now. As I said to dh- if he doesn’t feel like I light up his room then we shouldn’t be together. We got married because I lit up his room. And we’ve both changed. I hope you both figure it out but remember that you deserve to be happy and loved, if only by yourself. Im starting a new job and swimming next week x I hope everything pans out op. Hugs x

He is disgusting, selfish and cruel. Even when you want to leave a relationship, there are decent ways of doing it. Treat the other person with decency, dignity and respect.

"kindness is in our power, when fondness is not". Samuel Johnson.

Sorry you are going through this OP, you deserve better. 🌷

So sorry op, I echo others and suggest you act cold and indifferent. Act aloof. How dare he block you, you block him!

When the novelty wears off (and it will), he will be back with his tail between his legs by whicn point you'll hopefully have moved on. I'm not dismissing 35 years of marriage but he does not deserve you.

Look at how ridiculous Eamonn Holmes looks with his OW, you just know he'll be begging Ruth to have him back in 6 months. These men who leave it all for younger women are absolutely revolting.

This completely. He wants to assuage his own guilt. So he paints himself as the victim and you as the awful person who has forced him into the arms of another woman/forced him to leave. Of course it’s all bollocks. He may even start to believe it himself. Total rewriting of history.

You are a human, not a robot, and you are entitled to feel any and all emotions. You don’t need to apologise to anyone for that 💐

💐

Get yourself an appointment with a solicitor asap. I know you don't want to be dealing with it, but it's like having a health problem and not going to the doctor. It can't be avoided, and you need to get ahead of the game. There's likely to be another women, but in my experience the newer younger woman rarely lasts. Usually by the time they come stumbling back, the "left" woman is stronger, happier and doesn't need that negativity back in their life. 35 years is a long, long time and you need to allow yourself time to grieve. Get booked into some therapy, take yourself somewhere new for the weekend even if you just go sit in a hotel room, order takeaway and watch bad TV. Lean on your family and friends. Adopt a pet (if you're an animal person). One day this will just be a horrible memory and it'll be a long road to get there, but you'll make it through. It will be okay.

He probably thinks he's been smart picking a younger model who's already got kids of her own, therefore isn't likely to want knocking up in the near future. But that's still going to be a lot of kid related grunt work in his future if they end up in a proper relationship together. At his big age.

OP I’m so sorry.

This happened to me in February. 25 years together. My STBXH completely monstered me and also came up with a whole raft of reasons to justify his actions.

There’s some wonderful advice on here, which I also had on my thread. I’m waiting for my conditional order to be granted next month and all being well I’ll be completely free of the fucker by Xmas.

I’m not going to lie. I miss what I had and the grief for the loss of my future is unbearable at times. Be honest with your children. Refuse to believe his re-writing of your life together and remember the good times. You will have more good times; it’s had to see now but you will.

I can’t imagine the pain you are feeling. I am so sorry.

Poor Darling - so sad. However - if his kids with you are now adult he is in for a big fat shock going back to young ones again - a Big Shock! If he treats you like this - you are better off without him. Your brother is the better man - hold him close!

Maybe the yawning chasm is a blank canvas?

I know it seems impossible now, but when I was maybe three years from where you are now I was getting ready to go out on a date and realizing that although there had been decades of Paris & Berlin, I was really looking forward to it being Paris and Rome, and the heady thought that I would have new friends who had never known me with that faithless idiot.

Yes, you are looking at two hard years, and for me that culminated in crying on the Estate Agents shoulder on the day I handed over the key of the house we had built together.

If you want to, you have a good life awaiting you.

This is what really gets me, why can't they just say " I have met someone else who I want to be with, yes I know I am being a selfish git who is in lust but that is how it is" instead they do all this nasty, cruel vicious stuff to make themselves (because they are the only person that matters) feel better about the chaos and hurt they are causing. Mine told me he only married me because he felt sorry for me and nobody else would want me!

I feel so sorry for you. Hugs. But would you really want him back? Could you ever really trust him again?

Be practical. See a solicitor asap, and take someone you trust with you to take notes. Think about bank accounts etc. You will get through it, and you have your brother and children. Don’t let him rewrite your past - your memories and experiences are just as valid as his. He is just trying to self-justify and rationalise his actions because he knows he is behaving disgustingly.

You still have lots of living to do. Good luck.

I think if there is another women he may be in the grass is greener mode. Maybe she likes the attention. But 2 young children come in tow. How quickly will the reality wear off for him? So yes he may come back by then you will probably feel completely different t and not want him back. Right now I expect you are shocked and hurt. Rightly so. But it gets better you can do it without him. Take one day at a time. Only share what you want with who you want to would be my advice. My dh had an emotional affair but thought I should put up with it. I didn’t and I’m not lonely or hurting anymore.