Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Thank you @midtownmum, that was such a kind post.

Be inscrutable!! Yes! That is the best advice.

You really need to get ice cold yourself. Ice cold with him that is. Get your emotional support from anyone but him.

Do not discuss your marriage with him, do not let him tell you ‘all’ the things that were ‘wrong’. It will be a re-write.

He probably will come back. Just not time soon.

My uncle went back. He'd met a woman at work ( he was late 50s/ maybe early 60s ) think the woman was younger . Wife obviously devastated . Kids had grown and no longer lived at home but they managed to persuaded him to go back after around 6 weeks or so . They stayed together but I have no idea how the relationship was after that .

The man you loved has gone. Long gone.

It's like shedding an old skin when there is a break up.

He is someone else now and there is no going back.

Your grief lies in your remaining the same but in time as you heal from this loss, and it is a loss, you will shed your old skin and be a new woman with new opportunities and paths to choose in life.

I'm very sorry to hear about this.
Don't feel you're being pathetic, you're not at all. You've had a terrible shock and you're grieving.

Yuck I'm guessing she's younger then.

The hardest, but the best thing you could do right now, is to pack up his stuff in black bin bags and throw them out the door followed by;

“get the fuck out”

My brother is coming over. He will be hopeless as he isn't a man given to insight - a big, gruff son of the soil - but at least he is kind and loves me and I won't be alone. He tells me he is bringing a takeaway. Not sure I can eat it but it's the thought that counts.

Yep, she's (I think), 39.

Mine came back, no other woman that I know of. I showed him the door, I told the kids they'd had a couple of weeks of upset and were getting used to it all and I couldn't risk him coming back and then going again. Trust was gone, so was he. Never regretted it.

You will get over this, it is tough but you've had the plaster ripped off and now you heal.

It is terrifying. And appalling and just plain awful. Right now you need to concentrate on just the next five mins then the next then the next. Don’t try and stop the tears or fear, there is no point. Try and get through as best you can. Keep yourself and kids fed and watered and clean. Everything else can wait for a wee while until the shock wears off.
Then in a couple of days start to plan.. you have to start to get on the front foot. He isn’t your friend anymore.
I know it feels like right now you can’t survive this but you can. So many of us have and we have come out stronger. It feels like forever at the time but you can get there.
My divorce took forever and was v dirty on his side. I thought I could never cope but I did. Now I love the peace, my kids are wonderful adults and we have a lovely tight bond.
I know you feel like you can’t, but you can and you will get through this.
Thinking of you

How horrendous. Didn't you have any inkling? What a bastard. I hope you can find your anger soon.

Do you have many close friends?

He has given me virtually a books-worth of all the things that are wrong with me and our marriage. I literally had no idea. As I said, we've had our ups and downs but the person he portrayed was not someone I recognised as me and I thought I had a fair amount of self-insight. I've always been my worst critic. Perhaps it's me that is delusional. I'm doubting everything and I really am a monster and inadequate and he regrets ever marrying me - as he said.

I have sent you a PM.

If he does come back, you have to see it as a complete reset. It will not be the same marriage.

You can get insight from here. Your brother can give you love and support, a shoulder to cry on and food. The food part sounds flippant but you really do need to look after your physical health in the next few days. It's a good thing you told you brother and spoke to your daughter - however bad you feel about that - getting real life support and getting it out in the world as soon as possible will be a big help for the coming weeks.

You will find your anger and he'll confess about the OW eventually.

It's been such a shock for you. Let your friends and family care for you.

Well done on being so strong.

OP I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.

I know it's not really a comfort at this time but, this too shall pass. You will eventually emerge stronger, fuller and happier.

Yes you spent many years with him but you were not put on this earth for him. You are a whole human as you are. You have your children and your brother.

The more you beg him, the more disgusted he will be. It's so cruel but thats where he is. Hold your head up high op. You will get through this.

This. Hang in there OP - I promise there is life beyond your husband.
🩷

She is married with two young kids?

Ha, I’m pretty sure he will want to come back, but hopefully you won’t want him to

Hes telling you all of those things because that's the story he has made up to justify betraying you.

Itll be the story he told the OW so he can have sympathy form her.

It's so after he breaks up the family,people who believe him will feel sorry for him and he wont be held accountable for what he has done

OP - I don't know if anyone has said this on the thread but his behaviour is very reminiscent of "The Script".

Don't believe him when he says he never loved you and when he tells you all of your faults. That's him trying to excuse the guilt he feels at blowing your family apart.

He did love you and what you had together was real.

It's such a difficult time so look after yourself and take it hour by hour, day by day.
You will get through this xx

I'm heartbroken for you!

I can't believe he told your kids before you, seeking to control the narrative! He's a manipulative one!

I am so sorry. Bttd, up to the 35 years together. I remember the devastation - but for me it was nearly four years ago now, and there is light on the other side. If finances permit, I strongly recommend finding a psychotherapist and deciding to have weekly meetings (can do online if that's more convenient than in person) - for me it really helped and meant I didn't have to burden friends more than I felt ok doing. The major associations have registers of members - maybe look for someone who mentions grief, as that's what you'll be dealing with. Keep breathing, you will be ok. Some days will be better than others to start with.

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is the worst feeling. My advice would be to just get through hour to hour, make a cup of tea, let yourself cry it out as much as you want, then try do something you enjoy- watch a program, knit, go for a walk, anything. Also (and some others won't agree) I personally would get some meds from the GP- sleeping tablets/anti anxiety or the like to take the edge off.
The reason he is being so horrible to you is because he knows he is guilty and the only way he can deal with it is to insult you and make you the reason for it all. The coward.

You will get through this. Keep posting and talking. Take each hour at a time x