Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

@Autumnblackberries - absolutely this!

Oh OP this is really tough and I can't imagine what you're feeling.

I know you still have hope but for your sake, and for now I'd be working on worst case scenario and getting things in order. Finances and instructing a divorce lawyer for further advice.

I hope things work out xx

There's no 'of course' about an OW. It might be there is. It might be he hopes there could be and has a candidate in place.

Or it might be just he feels it would be better if he could be on his own and 'sort his head out' as it were.

So sorry for you. You absolutely don't sound pathetic. He sounds pathetic.Completely normal to feel this way. Do you have any sisters or close friends who can come be with you?

Be kind to yourself.

@Pleasenotme Your posts have brought me to tears. This sounds so heartbreaking and I really hope your DDs family and friends get you through this.
Your DH sounds so cruel. It's awful how men can change like this.
Wishing you nothing but the best.

Yes that's true. Mine never revealed an OW. I have strong suspicions that he was lining one up (younger) who knocked him back. (She is a local who he was seeing a lot of at the time)
Still doesn't make any difference if their mind is made up.
Also- don't waste time and good money on marriage counselling if his mind is made up.
That was several hundred pounds down the drain because it was only me who wanted to save the marriage!!

There’s lots of good advice been given to you but I think this is really it, in summary. It’s devastating now. He isn’t the man you believed him to be. I’m so sorry.

"We had so many plans for the future and now what is there left? There is just this horrible yawning chasm of a life without him where he has chosen to leave. "

There is a life. You don't see it yet. This thought again is so common.

I don't think you sound pathetic in the slightest OP. You sound shocked and devastated, and why wouldn't you be? Please reach out to friends in real life for hugs and support. It's going to take a while for you to begin to process this. I'm so sorry, but please don't feel bad about yourself. You're human.

I read that in the circumstances there’s with another woman in his head or in his bed. Men never leave to be on their own ! Hard nitty gritty conversations around pensions and money splits often gives pause for thought too! You deserve more than a man who doesn’t want to be with you.

Please be assured that you do not sound at all pathetic, OP. You sound like someone who has had the most hideous shock. For your husband of 35 years to do this without warning, and tell at the same time you that you will be losing your beloved family home, is bound to leave your nerves jangling. You are doing all the right things including phoning the Samaritans. Gradually things will improve, but it will take as long as it takes, and meanwhile you need to be kind and patient with yourself.

You will not believe this but you will become stronger, it will take a long time.

There will also be many twists and turns, no long marriage ever ended smoothly.
You need to eat, drink and sleep at the moment, allow others to help.
I would advise seeing a solicitor, get things in place.

Rest as much as possible.
He has ended your marriage, he may one day wish to return, and one day you may wish to never have him back, in your heart.

Did you ever think he had the capability of this, was he always a selfish man.

Oh OP. I get that this is very new and raw, and your instinct is to want to hold on, but with time, you'll realise that this is not the right mindset.

The chance that he will come back is there, but it's very small, and even if he does, your marriage will never be same.

Focus on yourself and what you need to do in order to get through this. Don't cling on to some small hope that he might come back and 'choose you', it won't serve you.

It wouldnt be the first time that a man has left for his affair partner only for her to change her mind and stay with her husband. Seen it on here plenty of times and I know someone it happened to. Or that the affair suddenly isnt as much fun under the glare of real life, works, step kids and a pissed off ex who wont just disappear.

So yes there is a chance he will want to come back.

Problem with that is, it wont be your husband anymore. He isnt that man anymore. He isnt the man you love, he is gone. What you will get back is a man who is identical physically but underneath he is different. He isnt a man you can trust. He is a man who has lied to you. He is a man who hasnt been honest with you, because if he genuinely is leaving because he is unhappy and not for OW (which I dont believe btw) then he didnt discuss it with you and work with you to try and sort it out. He is a man who, when it comes right down to it, will cheerfully break your heart, take your life to pieces, throw a hand grenade into your whole being just so can have what he wants.

Do you want that man back? I doubt it.

What you are going through is normal. You are grieving the loss of the man you thought he was, of the life you thought you would have but I promise you that it WILL get better. Take each day as it comes and do not be bullied into anything. Refuse to talk money or property until you have received legal advice, you are in no fit state and you dont want to find yourself agreeing to something because you havent got your head on straight.

Take care lovey.

I am so sorry. Haven't got much advice but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. I am going through something very similar 💐
Call the doctor. Mine prescribed my anti sickness and sleeping tablets yesterday that have helped a lot

Please stop saying sorry to us for not being instantly angry or strong or able to accept he's leaving. You don't sound pathetic at all, you sound like a lovely, honest, loyal person who's just been handed the biggest, most shocking betrayal of her life - whether there is another woman or not, him blowing up your lives like this is a massive betrayal. I'm so so sorry for you. You can get through this. But it's perfectly reasonable and normal for you to feel devastated right now, I mean of COURSE you do. And 35 years with someone... if course right now you still love him. Your feelings can't just be switched off overnight. You poor thing.

I have been where you are and know the feelings of panic and utter shock and sadness. It does eventually pass though. You’re grieving and it feels like shit.

Agree with everything @Possiblyfamous has said. Dry your tears, remember who you are and what you deserve… Game face on.. you got this ❤️

Thanks all, such wise and kind words on here. I've just sobbed down the telephone to one of my DC then felt terrible as it shouldn't be for her to deal with - she loves her dad very much (he has been such a loving father) and is in awful pain too but I just needed to hear her voice. He had told her he was leaving me so this has not come out of the blue to her. I will try not to do that again as it's selfish and self-absorbed but she did manage to make me laugh, albeit briefly, as she has recently split up with her fiance who she had decided was a dick a few short months before their wedding date so she had some ripe words to say about men.

I've cried and begged, sometimes on my knees. I've tried really really hard not to and then I succumb. He told me I had no self-respect and he's probably right. I am ashamed but I am overwhelmed by it all. He has blocked me now so I can't contact him at all on my phone although I can email him at work 'if it's urgent'. I really need to adopt the 'calm and neutral' approach, I know I do but fuck me it goes against every grain of my DNA. I have Spanish blood so tend to react passionately to a lot of things - not an excuse I know.

You are right that he has been planning this for months and he has definitely been taking advice from someone, I suspect her as she is switched on and I don't recognise some of the language he has used as it's just not the way he says things 😢

You do not sound pathetic OP

Your life has been turned upside down.

Have you close family or friends you can confide in.

I'm really sensing your pain and I'm really sorry. He may come back, he may not who knows? I think all you can do is take it an hour at a time, a day at a time...
Get your legal rights clarified, reach out to those who love you and most of all be kind to yourself.

you're feeling the agony of abandonment and the tearing apart of your reality. It’s like a bomb has gone off and the sound is ringing in your ears, you are in shock. Abandonment can mean death to mammals like humans and so your reaction is partly hard wired from that

It will not always feel like this, I promise. You will survive and thrive. Notice the feelings, hold yourself, mother yourself and weather the storm, it feels intolerable so do whatever you can to comfort yourself right now. Don’t look to him for comfort as you won’t find it there and you deserve and need looking after right now. Familiar good, movies, smells, space to cry. Tell a friend as soon as you can

I can't just read and run. I hope you find the anger that will wipe out your sadness. But never think of yourself as less than a woman because you're grieving for a life that you had always assumed would be with him. He's the one who did this, he's shattered your heart and I bet the DC too.
Also don't give a shit how pretty she is, she could never match up to someone loving, loyal and hardworking like you. And younger? Do you think she'll be happy wiping his arse in 20 years time? He'll be alone in a bedsit before you know it, by then you'll have moved on and wouldn't have him back for all the money in the world.

Your whole life has been turned on its head and your expected future taken away. You’re in massive shock. Of course you want it all to go away and be back to normal.

Please don’t go down the road of blaming a breakdown, midlife crisis or yourself. My closest friend is a relationship counsellor and she hears this trope so often. He’s had his head turned and shown you he doesn’t care about you or his family. Be angry! Don’t beg or cajole.

Her advice would be to take each day at a time and not try and make any big decisions while you’re still reeling. Let it sink in. He’s chosen another woman over you. Would you even want him back or be prepared to forgive him? It doesn’t sound like he’s regretting his choice at the moment.

Listen to Vanessa Feltz on ‘How to Fail’ with Elizabeth Day. She talks very honestly about her first husband leaving her and I’m sure it will resonate.

Be strong. Be dignified.

oh I am so sorry @Pleasenotme
You will be in huge shock - have you got a friend who can come over tonight?
You need some time to process all of this, and some space to rant and rave.

Get proper advice - tell him you’ve made an appointment to see a lawyer - as someone said he expects you to be begging and sad - control the narrative - at the moment he assumes it’s all his choice - that he could just come back and you’d be grateful - let him know that’s not the case - bridges burned - counterintuitive but saying you can see why he’s done this and now you’re over the shock you can see a different happier future for yourself too - this stance can work if you want him back but I think given time you really won’t .