Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

This ^

Dont play his game, don’t answer

you are at your most vulnerable now, you’ve just lost the love of your life. Your hopes and dreams for the future have all disappeared- you’re grieving a life and love.

thing is he has been plotting and planning so whilst he is 5 or 6 stages ahead he doesn’t realise how far behind you are. In his brain he has moved on, you haven’t had the time to do that.

and now he has the fucking audacity to unblock you as he wants to speak to you. If he was a man I’d say he was a bastard, but that’s not a man it’s a coward

don’t answer the phone
let him leave a message
this gives you time to prepare, don’t knee jerk

which estate agent did he contact, do you know? Ring them tomorrow and cancel the appointment.

make yourself an appoint with a solicitor for 4 weeks time

this give you an appointment ( which can be difficult to get anyway) for when you’ll most likely want one

go and ask about where you stand with house and being pushed to sell

if twat face calls back
don’t answer
then when you do speak, just say I’ve cancelled the estate agent for now as I am going to get some advice about this before proceeding.

then just say

is there anything else and get off the phone - hard as that maybe, put up a wall to him - leave him on the back foot

This post makes me realise that so many of them also seem to turn off their love for their own kids as well, like they are shrugging their old life off like a bobbly cardigan. By spending the funeral money on a holiday to Cuba, he must have known this would cause an absolute shit storm in the family and may lose his own kids forever and yet they seem to think the risk is worth it.

I can see why there are so many single old men who are lonely or people in care homes that get no visitors. I'm wondering if they've pulled a stroke like this in their heyday.

That doesn't mean I don't love him with all that I am

The love you have with all that you are is for the him you thought he was.

He isn't that person any more.

Transfer that love to you & love you with all that you are.

Yes, seeing a lawyer will help you get your thoughts in order OP. At the moment, he is driving the narrative. Lawyer up and you have a voice too. Knowledge is power and power will bring a sense of control.

Once madam sees things aren't all going her way, it will piss her off.

Stop answering and speaking. He can email if he needs to say anything and then you have a record of what was said and your answers.

Don't sleepwalk into a crap situation that he has engineered for you please!

Have ten threads of a 1000 posts on here if you need to. We will support you if you want but don't let your heart rule your head now. Heart goes on holiday and cold steely mind needed now.

When my ex was seeing OW, I had a call at work from my lovely neighbour who heard them walking around the garden and talking (she was hiding).

It was clear they planned to live in my home as a couple and this put a rod of steel up me to the point I knew I had to stop him buying me out at all costs even though on paper, I could not afford the house.

Luckily ex was too lazy to find his own financial advisor and used the one we had used to get the original mortgage so I called him and told him that ex would lie about his outgoings in order to keep madam happy and I told him that ex had a massive loan for an asset he would take with him but it was in our joint names so would slip under the radar.

I had this conversation just minutes before my ex had the meeting with him. It was like a novel!

An hour later, the advisor called me, told me he had told ex that he could not afford to buy me out and he said he would set me up with an interest only mortgage if I wanted. As soon as I finished the call, ex called me to tell me that I would have to find a way of buying him out as if it was all part of his scheme!

So anger drove me to shaft their plans and after a year I was able to get a repayment mortgage. I still live here 25 years later. I paid the mortgage off in 2005. It's amazing what you can do once you find anger. Anger is a very useful emotion OP.

You are amazing. I know you are in pain but you are being amazing.

I think this is a positive. As it means you are going to be just fine. When it came to it you bared your teeth and stood your ground. Good for you.

id also urge you to see a solicitor, whatever he does with his job, is irrelevant, im sorry, the house will need to be sold if you can’t afford to buy him out, as its about your finances not his.💐

No doubt you have bee told this but time to take control.

Only communication with him via email unless an emergency. Its not fair for him to call with these bombshells.

Please get legal advice asap if you have not already.

I would absolutely resist the house valuation at this stage. You would need a number of valuations anyway, you would want the house immaculate and I suspect its really not the time. I would tell yes the house will be valued when you are good and ready. Preferably when all his stuff is out and gone. On that note I would get bagging it up for him to collect.

Utter twat.

Oh and as someone wise says above...he has had time to get his head around all of this. You have not. You are allowed that time right now. Please take control and start to call the shots. You are doing just brilliantly.

I know this is so hard. I would stop communicating with him. He doesn’t sound like he is in there as he has changed. Send him your email and ask him to communicate that way. Block him. You need to try and stop living in hope as I think he is hurting you more. Can you imagine taking him back and feeling like he was having an affair or going back to the other woman every time he left the house? Op I would try and find yourself a therapist it helped me hugely, also maybe try journaling and writing everything down. Have you seen a solicitor about the house and what rights you have? I think your anger will come and takeover from the tears. Maybe consider how you would like your life to be. What your new home may be like, what trips you could go on, what hobbies you could try? You’re not ready yet but you will be.

Cmon you know it doesn’t need to be immaculate for a valuation. The valuation will be for the financial settlement /agreement, it isn’t the same as going on the market. The op also needs to know the value so she can understand what equity there is and understand her own financial situation.

i agree, today is too early but I’d urge her to get that done sooner rather than later. It doesn’t need to go on the market for months, until they both agree, but a valuation is very different. They also need to be asking their pension providers for a cash equivalent valuation and look at the assets.

the op does need to know the house value.

I completely agree with this, your pain is so very raw and jumps out of this thread. But I’ve just reread your posts and a strength is starting to emerge. I’m sure you don’t feel it or see it yet but you are strong, it is there. 💐

True re the valuation and the tidiness.....but I still think she should not be railroaded into it. Its not fair at this stage...I imagine she knows the rough value anyway...I would know re my house (but I am nosey and look at other houses being sold!). My point was if she does not want this right now then she is in her rights to say no.

no one disagreed with that. The point made was you told her for some odd reason it had to be immaculate for a valuation and it doesn’t. And having a rough idea isn’t all that’s required, they will need the house valued. Sooner rather than later, no one disagreed that today wasn’t the right time.

Please...I am trying to help the OP not argue with you!!!!! Seriously.....

OP have you changed the locks because you don’t need him entering the home without you being there.
To clear the cupboards, bag up all of his stuff.
Take care of yourself x

Have you told OW’s husband about her infidelity and what did he say?

I’m not arguing with you, everyone is trying to help , it’s the whole point of the chat, hence why if someone tells her something wrong, like she needs the house immaculate for a valuation, something likely to have her in a panic, it should be pointed out it’s wrong, all you had to say was sorry yea my bad

Which I did...."True re the valuation and the tidiness".......For the avoidance of any doubt in case I am causing the OP panic the house does NOT need to be immaculate for a valuation. I hope that satisfies you now sparklywhiteteeth!!!!!! Goodness me...

Tell him that in no uncertain terms that you are not ready for estate agents to come value the house. He has presumably known this situation was coming for months ………. Whereas he literally just pulled the rug out from under you, like a week ago?! He must give you to time adjust to such huge news before making any big decisions.

He is not just getting the house valued to know how much it is worth. Anyone knows this rough information, zoopla will give you a rough ballpark estimate in a few seconds. He can look on rightmove to see similar properties in the area for sale. He is only getting the house valued because he wants to get the house up for sale immediately. And it’s cruel and unfair to not let OP at least have a month or two at the minimum to get her head around what has happened and make some kind of new plan for her future.

I'm glad you're getting angry now. Keep it up

As for the cupboards, you'll have a lot more space if you empty his stuff out, bag it up and sling it out of the house. Another woman rented a storage unit paid one months rent. Her ex was told where it was. I thought that a blinder 😁

House valuation for these purposes usually needs to be done by 3 lots of people and an average taken.

This is the post it advice that should be on the bathroom mirror and repeated X100.

love you first.

Got at your own speed, don't let him dictate to you how it's going to be.
You will find your anger, it takes a while but it comes.

When you are ready, journalling helps. Or just writing things down on pieces of better to get it all out & then shredding them or burning them.
It's very cathartic.

I would send STBXH a simple email or message stating 'that you do not consent to his estate agent coming at this time. When you have had more time to process your emotions and engage your own estate agent you will let him know. Until such time please do not contact me further'.

I know it's not what you want, but it is what you need.

My daughters long term partner announced he didn't love her in June. Apparently he hadn't for about a year. She was completely floored. It was about 3 or 4 weeks until she found angry. She channeled into sorting, aranging and planning. We also have a WhatsApp group to bitch, vent and plot revenge.

She has managed single handedly all the arrangements for the clearing and conveyancing of their joint property and is coming home today to stay until her new home has completed.

He on the other hand has been a complete man child and now he is no longer wanted or needed found his sadness (shame).

Try and remember that this stage will pass and you too will find strength that you(and he) will be amzed at.

Do not answer him, give yourself time he is way ahead of you in this and you have been blindsided your life altered without your consent. Please please take legal advise before every move you make.

I have been where you are and the pain is real but you will move on, the pain will go.

As for his simpler life and no job? How will that play out with the OW and young children all sounds rubbish.

Be gentle on yourself take some time out and eventually you will find your anger.

Take care x