Do they ever come back? Devastated.

[Pleasenotme]

Long time lurker, occasional poster, nc'd for this. DH has told me he wants a divorce. I can barely write this as I am so devastated and struggling to keep things together. Been together 35 years, DC. I thought we had everything. Says he hasn't been happy for a while, wants to sell our house, have a new start. I know men rarely leave without having someone in the wings. He was adamant that there was no one, but youngest DD saw him meeting up with a woman not far from the house. It was pure fluke she saw them as her nursing shifts mean she is not normally around at that time and I was in Scotland visiting my DM. DD told me about this only after DH had told her that he is divorcing me as she had been worried about it but didn't want to say anything in case it was innocent. He denies an OW. Of course. I know this woman on a casual basis and have socialised with her as part of a larger group. She is married with two young DC. My DD babysits for her occasionally.

I feel like an explosion has gone off in our lives. I can't believe this is happening. He is like an ice man with me, a stranger. He has said the most cruel things. Our marriage has had the inevitable turmoils and ups and downs but he is my soul mate. I thought we would be together forever. I can't stop crying, I can't work - thankfully my boss has been very kind - I had to ring Samaritans last night as I was so very bleak and was having panic attacks and I didn't want to be here, I just wanted it all to go away. I know that sounds foolish and selfish. He has moved out and is staying with his sister locally. We are not close so there is no point talking to her about it.

I love him so much. I can't imagine life without him, I just can't. Is there anyone on here who has had experience of their DH doing this to them AND coming back? I am grimly aware of the number of men who dump their DWs during the mid years of their lives. I suspect I am clutching at straws but this is like an earthquake. I am totally desperate for this not to be happening. Thank you for reading.

Sending huge hugs. You signed up for a life together, he took what I'm sure you see as the best years, and then left you alone. He is unreliable and saw you as disposable. He is a shitty person. Take off the rose tinted glasses. Make a list of pros and cons. Have friends send you suggestions. Read it when you're sad/angry. Years down the road you will likely laugh reading it. The good thing is that your children know. You don't have to pretend and sugar coat it for them. My in laws did something fairly similar when they separated. FIL married a colleague in the end not long post divorce. MIL was kind of a mess, did cry on her children many a time, and it was ok! Don't feel guilty for that. The children who were 18-25 at the time were all ok. They were there for their mum. They are now incredibly close, closer than they were before. My SIL and MIL frequently go on holiday together and have a great bond, one I aspire to have with my children. Lean into your family and your friends. I know it feels as though once you tell your friends it becomes real and there are no take backs, but there are already no take backs. You do not need this man. You will heal and recover and be better. Throw yourself into your friends, and activities. Get some therapy if you can, talk to your solicitor friend, find your anger and take back control. It is a really scary situation, but you genuinely deserve better.

Do they ever come back? Sure. Some do. But do you want that, OP? Do you want t to be with someone behaving like this? Don't you deserve better? Even if he came back, it wouldn't be the same, you'd always be worried he'd buggered off if he was late home....that's no way to live.

If your friend was in your position, what would you tell her? I'm guessing:

• I never liked him anyway

-You were always too good for him

• Take the bustard for wvery penny you can get.

You know it, OP. And you can do it. Sending positive vibes your way x

You poor woman. Good you have your family for support.
You will come out of this on the other side and go on to have a happy life with friends, family, grandchildren.
Just focus on one day at a time. He’s not your friend, don’t share anything with him or try to do a pick me.

This is not love it is attachment. Love does not hurt, ever. I know it will seem impossible to believe at the moment but this is a gift. Better brighter things are ahead but you will have to go through the pain first.

• bastard. They're all bastards

This is just excuses to make himself feel better, if he was actually ever interested in improving anything he would have brought it up before.

Have you told the OW's husband? Or spoken to him about it?

This is "the script".
In order to make himself feel less shit and justify going off with a younger woman he has to rewrite history and turn you in to a person you are not.
Do not believe any of this stuff he is saying. He's convincing himself that he's doing the right thing by leaving to be with this other woman so he then looks for all possible reasons to justify this.

So sorry you're going through this.

My ExH left for the OW 12yrs ago. I think I spent the first two months just wishing he'd 'pick me' and come home to me and our DCS (14wks, 2 and 6), he didn't.

But now in retrospect I think if he had come back, my life would have been awful.

Now I'm glad he left. I came to realise - through counselling - that he wasn't treating me kindly.

I'm now engaged to my wonderful DP of 11yrs and to be completely honest the only thing I regret about him leaving was pleading with him to come back. I wish I could have been more calm and neutral - but that's bloody hard when the person you thought loved you betrays you in the worst way possible.

He's turned your life (and DC's) upside down. Please be kind to yourself.

You know, I found out that I "know" (via e-mail and Zoom) the woman behind Chumplady, in a totally different capacity. She never mentioned it; I did some freelance work for one of her former places of employment. She is a really kind, funny and impressive person.

I've heard many, many people say that her site empowered and comforted them.

Good luck, OP. Protect yourself.

You know if she does leave her husband and they get together he'll be back to standing bored in parks and crappy family restaurants and kids tv and tedious things that are not tedious when they are your kids, but someone else's when you are going to move on to a time in your life when you can please yourself. He's an idiot. It's awful he's chucking your marriage away and I would hate to leave my home too. But maybe daydream about a new future where you live in a nice swanky apartment and see your kids , siblings and friends when you like. You will develop your own interests and be happy again, you will.
He's let you down badly, but you can't go back
Don't apologise to anyone, just because he says something about your marriage it doesn't mean it is true. Keep your own truth.
Post on here if you feel impulse to reach out to him. Blank him completely and get your ducks in a row.

Be kind to yourself, it must have come as such a shock. Time does heal, it will get better. Have you considered no contact, try not to contact him so you slowly get used to him not being your support. You will slowly get stronger. It will get better with time

I am so sorry, I am just a stranger on the internet but my heart goes out to you. 35 years is such a long time. I guess part of you must be feeling that you are in the midst of a nightmare and wondering when you will wake up and normal life will start again. It happened to me when I was really young and I had a new baby too and in a way I think having youth and the focus of a infant powered me through the worst of it. There will be some good practical advice on here but as to how you navigate the emotional turmoil, the utter shock and the pain, I am not going to offer any advice apart from maybe taking it hour by hour and try to be with people who offer you total support.

A terrible shock. A terrible grief. But can happen to anyone. And you know from the grief of losing your parents you adjust. It passes. You will create a new life.

You have a good job. You're clever. Stop accentuating the positives of a younger woman whilst discounting all your attributes. You will have many.

She will not leave her husband for your old guy. Not at all and not for long.

Make yourself whole again as yourself. That's your best future now.

Much love.

See the GP so you can sleep
Lawyer up, and do it now.
Confide in a close friend.

Look, he planned all of this, and then set off a bomb. Of course you are disoriented and upset. That may have been quite deliberate on his part to get the upper hand. You cannot trust him any more, that ship has sailed.

You will have a life without him and a better life because it will be an honest life without such betrayal. You have your children, you have your career. You will be OK. Really will, promise.

He’ll have to live with what he did, and if there is an other woman who is married herself, they deserve each other. Lots of karma there.

Sending you every good wish.

What @iwfja said - 'the script' is simply there to make you feel bad whilst giving him every justification for his crappy behaviour.

I am sorry. He could have left you without telling you everything that in his opinion, was wrong. He has been unnecessarily cruel. I suspect this is because he is the guilty party. I am so sorry. Life will get better again, it just takes time. He may come back. By that time you may not want him. I think in time, maybe soonish, your hurt will turn to anger. Which might help you move forwards.

He’s trying to justify his actions by pointing out the “flaws”. It isn’t justified. Nothing you have done would excuse his behaviour. He sounds like an absolute fool

Can read your absolute devastation in your posts OP do sorry you are going through this.
People have to build up ‘evidence’ for their poor behaviour - so they concerns lost in order to justify leaving. It’s a vile thing to do.
Something very similar happened to one of my oldest friends - I have never seen anyone so heartbroken I was so worried about her for a long time. Her friends and family thought she would never get over him.
Cut to several years later. He’s just moved back into his old room in his mother’s - again - after yet another failed OW relationship. My friend is remarried to the loveliest man. She knows on reflection that her first husband the one she thought she couldn’t live without was someone she’d built up in her mind.
If you can look up a writer called Rosie Green. She was she thought happily married and her DH walked in with a hold-all and said he was leaving - she went into complete shock.
She wrote a brilliant book about it, and talks about every stage of grief she went through.
Rosie survived, and kept writing about her experiences. She’s very happy with someone else now but her raw grief was awful to read about.
It is grief for three decades, a life built together, a future to share.. all stolen from you by someone who cannot respect you enough to tell you the truth.
It is a cliche but time is the only cure with time and support of your loved ones.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

I’m so sorry OP- pls pls pls don’t let him get in your head about you or your marriage. It’s a fabrication of his to justify his deception. Also don’t agree to selling the house or anything financial - give yourself space and as much time as you need to process and then fight!

He's trying to make you feel low and inadequate so that he can excuse his own rotten behaviour. Don't fall for it. Please don't stroke his already inflated ego by begging him. I know it's hard, most of us have done that to our woe, but you need to bolster your own self-respect and you will deeply regret the pleading and crying to him. Scream and sob in private if that helps but don't let him see your fear. He is not the loving ally you believed he was, unfortunately, and seeing you a mess will only increase his contempt and control.

Grey rock and see a solicitor as soon as possible.

He has given me virtually a books-worth of all the things that are wrong with me and our marriage.

What an absolute pig!

If he's found someone else/had enough why not just own it?

I hope you soon start to hate him Op!

What a pile of crock OP.

He's had 35 years to regret marrying you, strange how it comes up only now when he's getting his dick wet elsewhere.

See through his bullshit.

The script is above. I've linked.

Please don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth about your so called failings. You are enough
This is ALL ON HIM.
He has to say these things so he can delude himself.
There is another thread by an OP called ginger loaf. It's fab. Take a look as it may help a little

Sending huge hugs to you xx

There are some really really wonderful people on MN who will help you through this, you are not alone