Affair - “Just because I could” - is it ever that simple?

[MustyDooDah]

Some months ago, my DH’s fairly short affair was discovered (by the OW’s husband).

It was on and off texting, and a few meet ups extending to kissing and at least one sexual encounter. Shortly after the sexual encounter, her DH twigged something was wrong, checked her phone, hey presto.

My DH was devastated at the discovery and the exposure. An absolutely broken man who pleaded for a chance to make amends and he has honestly worked tirelessly (couples counselling, purchased multiple books, changed lots of behaviours, massively attentive to me, a personality transplant) to save our relationship. Willing to do anything if I don’t leave him.

I’m still struggling with a few things, including the reason/why it happened.

He is insistent that there was and is absolutely nothing wrong or missing in our relationship. That he loves me as much as he ever did and is furious with himself that he didn’t “appreciate me” enough. He says he did what he did “because he could”. The opportunity was there (it was discussed, apparently, that both he and OW were happy in their relationships, didn’t want to leave their spouses, but fancied each other and wanted a bit of fun) and he decided to just see how far he could push it. Assuming that I’d never, ever find out. And with no intention of leaving me/wanting anything else/doesnt feel anything for her/wants to be with me forever.

So, talk to me. Is this actually a thing? Have you cheated, or been cheated on, just because you/they could? Is it possible to feel genuine, deep, love, in a loving relationship, but still take an opportunity when it’s presented to you? Is recovery afterwards possible?

There were zero signs, and if you’d asked me I would have said we were in the best place we’ve ever been.

I think it can be. But I also think it’s one of the worst reasons.

Nothing wrong in the relationship. Nothing you did. He didn’t have strong feelings for her. He didn’t get anything out of doing it, but did it because he could?

Think about. If a thief stole something because they needed it. Like food because they or their family were starving, plenty of people have some understanding. that person isn’t likely to do it again, if the issue that are causing a lack of food are addressed and sorted.

Another person steals because they can. They thought they would get away with. They didn’t need it. They didn’t even really want it. They just did it because they could and because they enjoyed it. No sympathy or understanding would be felt for that person. And they probably would do it again, if they felt they could get away with it.

Also, I am sorry you are going through this. But I don’t think he was devastated at the discovery. He was devastated that he his arrogance lead him to believe he could get away with it and he couldn’t. And he now had consequences to face.

Whilst I appreciate he is doing what he can to repair it. I don’t think he reasoning is helping that at all. I suspect he doesn know the reason he is did it. But thinks it will make it worse to be honest. Which isn’t good for counselling.

I mean, yes. It happens. Some people take the opportunity, some don't.

He says he did what he did “because he could”. The opportunity was there (it was discussed, apparently, that both he and OW were happy in their relationships, didn’t want to leave their spouses, but fancied each other and wanted a bit of fun) and he decided to just see how far he could push it. Assuming that I’d never, ever find out.

Not enough therapy in the world, in my opinion. How can you ever trust he won't do it again? He's a selfish wanker.

You ask “is recovery possible?” There will be lots of opinions on that. It’s such a circumstantial emotional thing.

I expect you will find all sorts of things will trigger you and your mind will go racing back to what you now know about his selfish behaviour. Those triggers will be personal to you and come from all sorts of unexpected sources. For example, maybe just unexpectedly seeing him naked she will have seen him like that, or private moments during your intimate life, did he do this with her?

I dunno, you’re between a rock and a hard place. I’ve been where you are. I lasted out for two amazing years during which he constantly reassured me of his love but in the end I just couldn’t get past it and we parted. It was so painful and sad.

Yes, I think most men (whether happily married or not) would accept the opportunity for "no strings" sex if it presented itself and they thought they could get away with it. I don't think the same applies to most women.

He didn't do it "just because he could" though.

He did it because proving that this woman fancies him enough to shag him for an ego boost was more important to him than being faithful to you.

I simply don't think this is true. Among many of the men I know anyway.

I suspect he does know the reason he is did it. But thinks it will make it worse to be honest.

This is a very serious concern of mine. Not wanting to make it worse is the reason he initially refused to confess. It took an ultimatum to get the truth.

How can you ever trust he won't do it again?
This is another thing I’m struggling with.

Those triggers will be personal to you and come from all sorts of unexpected sources. For example, maybe just unexpectedly seeing him naked she will have seen him like that, or private moments during your intimate life, did he do this with her?

Bloody hell, are you in my house watching me? Those exact triggers have happened.

I lasted out for two amazing years during which he constantly reassured me of his love but in the end I just couldn’t get past it and we parted.

When I try to picture the future, this scenario worries me

The biggest problem is losing the trust. However genuine the person is in their regret, there will always be that suspicion whenever they are texting or going out somewhere without them.

He has indeed admitted in counselling that he was so flattered, loving the attention, enjoying the ego boost.

But how do you actually know for sure? They're not going to walk around saying they want extra marital sex and also the opportunity may never have presented itself. In my experience most married men would take up the offer of sex - provided they genuinely thought they would not get caught.

I absolutely do think it can be opportunistic. People are always keen to insist that there HAS to be something wrong in the marriage but I think they do so to assure themselves that it couldn’t happen to them. People never think it could happen to them (I didn't). A friend of mine once told me that her dh would never leave her because her cooking is so good, well, it happened to her.

Funny how these men are only devastated when it all comes out, and their comfortable life risks being blown up.

In which case he is telling you.

His ego being boosted was more important, then you, your marriage and the life you built together.

He basically opened up your marriage without telling you. Would you have still consented to sex with him if you knew what he was doing? Why did he think it was ok, as long as you didn’t know? He was still betraying you. He was still deceiving you for all that time.

Was he still having sex with you while he was flirting and having sexual encounters? He knew he was betraying you and still letting you believe everything was ok.

All because he enjoyed his ego being rubbed.

I think "just because I could" is the absolute worst reason as far as you are concerned. Is that meant to make you feel better?
Surely it means he will just do it again when the opportunity arises?
I don't think I could live with such a flippant attitude around something so serious.
I have been there and we tried fora while to make it work but it was just too hard. I couldn't forgive him for such a hurtful betrayal and never have really even though now we co-parent quite well.
Good luck to you x

There’s clearly something lacking in him to break his vows like this. In a way he’s being quite honest by saying it’s just because he could. I cheat on my husband all the time in my fantasy world but never would in real life because we made our vows. Why wasn’t he able to contain himself, why didn’t he respect you and your marriage enough to resist. These are questions he needs to be asking himself.

I think this sums up why it’s troubling me so much.

I think "just because I could" is the absolute worst reason as far as you are concerned. Is that meant to make you feel better?
Surely it means he will just do it again when the opportunity arises?

If he’d told me he wasn’t feeling loved, or I’d withdrawn from intimacy, or we’d been stale etc etc… but nothing.

So they apparently had discussions about not wanting to hurt anyone else blah blah.

And he did it because he could.

Did "should" come into this at all?
Should we do this?
Perhaps we should stop before it becomes full on adultery?

'just because he could' means he's not capable of fidelity. Anyone 'could'. He's claiming he's no power over his own penis.
I think that's worse than the explanation that they briefly felt an emotional connection to the other person and it went too far.
He sounds like a twat. In order to ensure he 'couldnt' does he need a locked chastity belt round his knob? 🙄

why didn’t he respect you

I’d love an answer to this, but I don’t think he’ll ever give me one, as it would hurt me.

I was married before, and I lost respect for ExDH during our marriage, as the ambition, fire and leadership he’d had when I met him gradually evaporated. I never, ever told him that (we managed an amicable split).

The funny thing is, he initially struggled to accept it was “full on adultery”. He actually scoffed the first time “affair” was said. I think because there’d been no emotional connection.

For many people who have affairs, this is true. It’s about opportunity. This I think is one of the reasons why people self-police and withdraw quickly from potential danger.

It's irrelevant now though because I would imagine you have lost YOUR respect for him.

So he's saying he risked your marriage, betrayed you, and turned your world upside down for nothing. He doesn't care for that woman, he wasn't feeling neglected, and he wasn't having some sort of personal crisis. He just stuck his dick in her for fun. And he didn't give a fuck what this would do to you if he got found out.

It's amazing how you can even look at him, and baffling why you still want to. My husband would already be out of the house. You are worth so much more than this fucking idiot.

So he's saying he risked your marriage, betrayed you, and turned your world upside down for nothing. He doesn't care for that woman, he wasn't feeling neglected, and he wasn't having some sort of personal crisis. He just stuck his dick in her for fun. And he didn't give a fuck what this would do to you if he got found out.

It's amazing how you can even look at him, and baffling why you still want to. My husband would already be out of the house. You are worth so much more than this fucking idiot.

Just to balance up the gender issue, I know a few women who had an extra-marrital fling, just because the opportunity arose and they could. Whilst being in generally happy marriages/relationships and not wanting to end the marriage at all. It was just because a seemingly harm free opportunity arose. I'm not condoning it, just saying. (I'm female by the way).

Also, the OP's husband seems to be going against the grain of every other cheater on Mumsnet by not following The Script/rewriting history/making it the wife's fault. In fact, this seems unprecedented. But could 'because I could' be worse? I don't know. At the very least, at face value, it's honest.