Affair - “Just because I could” - is it ever that simple?

[MustyDooDah]

Some months ago, my DH’s fairly short affair was discovered (by the OW’s husband).

It was on and off texting, and a few meet ups extending to kissing and at least one sexual encounter. Shortly after the sexual encounter, her DH twigged something was wrong, checked her phone, hey presto.

My DH was devastated at the discovery and the exposure. An absolutely broken man who pleaded for a chance to make amends and he has honestly worked tirelessly (couples counselling, purchased multiple books, changed lots of behaviours, massively attentive to me, a personality transplant) to save our relationship. Willing to do anything if I don’t leave him.

I’m still struggling with a few things, including the reason/why it happened.

He is insistent that there was and is absolutely nothing wrong or missing in our relationship. That he loves me as much as he ever did and is furious with himself that he didn’t “appreciate me” enough. He says he did what he did “because he could”. The opportunity was there (it was discussed, apparently, that both he and OW were happy in their relationships, didn’t want to leave their spouses, but fancied each other and wanted a bit of fun) and he decided to just see how far he could push it. Assuming that I’d never, ever find out. And with no intention of leaving me/wanting anything else/doesnt feel anything for her/wants to be with me forever.

So, talk to me. Is this actually a thing? Have you cheated, or been cheated on, just because you/they could? Is it possible to feel genuine, deep, love, in a loving relationship, but still take an opportunity when it’s presented to you? Is recovery afterwards possible?

There were zero signs, and if you’d asked me I would have said we were in the best place we’ve ever been.

I genuinely belief a lot of men cheat solely because they can. The standard cliche of "she doesn't understand me", "we're together for the kids" is what they say to entice and reduce guilt to get what they want.

I used to have a boss that adored his wife and treated her like a queen but I quickly found out he cheated regularly with colleagues and one night stands when away. He even said it wasn't cheating because it wasn't an affair.

Cheating is almost always about the cheater and not caused by the cheatee.

If nothing was wrong and he had an affair, what will he do when there are problems? Because life is full of curveball and challenges.

To answer your question, there are affairs that start from opportunity and chance. No problems in the marriage, but here comes a chance for fun. I find this in my work as a Counsellor.

Getting that attention is flattering and it can be a boost to one's self esteem. It doesn't mean there was a problem with the marriage.

The worst thing about this type of "because I could" isn't because of the prosaic physical opportunity at all. It's because in his brain, he could make the choice, the active decision, to cheat, and feel no guilt until he was found out.

Not everyone can do that. I think most people, even if presented with "opportunity", would find they couldn't take it up, even if they wanted to, owing to morals and/or self-control.

Dear god what retrograde nonsense are you advocating? You think we'd be better of in segregated spaces?

Well... how do you know for sure? Have you conducted a scientific poll of men and women to back up your assertion? Or is it just your limited life experience?

OP, it's definitely a thing. My mother (1934-2014) used to say that 'proximity' causes affairs - people who can get near each other will shag.

My opinion on a couple of things from your opening post...

He's furious with himself that he didn’t “appreciate me” enough.
He's a fucking liar, saying anything he can to keep his life steady. She doesn't want him yet so it's cheaper and easier for him to stay with you. Fuck that. See a solicitor.

He says he did what he did “because he could”.
Truth. And every time 'he can', he will. He did it, was caught, you haven't thrown him out. He'll take that as 'Do what you want, wife won't make a fuss.'

I'm sure you've already thought of this before, long and hard. But when it comes down to it, it really doesn't matter if it's a thing or not, whether he's genuine etc. it's whether you can see yourself living with this man as you now know him to be for the rest of your lives. Will it be something you can get past? Will it be something you will always have in the back of your mind he might do again "because he could"? That's what matters.

You can't control what he has done or will do. It's only how you react to it. I think you're asking this question, perfectly naturally, as part of the process of making sense of the situation you now find yourself in.

Good luck

Yes, I think it is very common for some men to believe they “did it because they could”. I think the truth is, it’s opportunity mixed with low self-esteem and the need for validation. And it definitely is low self esteem. I think most of us have been hit on by a married man, but for me at least, I think, no thanks. I wouldn’t ever lower my standards to get involved with a married man, because who wants or could fancy a liar? It’s takes two people with low self esteem, low standards and no self respect. Some men are also master compartmentalisers - demonstrated very clearly when you termed it an affair…in HIS mind, it wasn’t (although, fucking obviously it was!)

And I honestly don’t think that is the worst reason. Worse for me would be because he loved her or felt she was his “soul mate” or any of that shite.
As per my username (and I’ve nc for this because mn is brutal) I’m 4 years down the line from you. My DH did something similar, but didn’t go as far….some seedy groping was as far as it went, with someone he would never, ever have wanted a relationship with. And, despite what everyone will say, for reasons I won’t go into, I know that to be true.

I won’t lie, it’s been fucking awful. Definitely the worst thing that I have ever been through. But, I have come out of it stronger in myself. We had been married a long time and I’d got a bit….lost? I’m bloody not now! At first, my self esteem took a massive hit and then I thought….hang on….HE did this, not me. So I passed all the shame and guilt and worry back to him and told him to sort it, because I was sorting myself.

And that is what has happened. He has gone to therapy, admitted the fact that he behaved like a selfish, entitled cunt, that he is a pathetic, tragic cliche and that I didn’t deserve any of it. He did the work he needed to do to work out why he did it (validation, ego, entitlement) He took all the RAGE I had (and believe me, it was epic and very long lasting) on the chin and kept working on himself. He still apologises to me regularly.

And honestly? I don’t worry about him doing it again. At all. If he does, then he’s not worth the steam off my piss and he will be dismissed without a backwards glance.
I don’t police his movements or ask questions….he comes to me to discuss any situations which he thinks might worry me. And I tell him every time - it’s up to you.
it has definitely changed the dynamic of our relationship . I had him on a (clearly misplaced) pedestal and like soooooo many in here, thought “he would never do that”
But he did. But we have a much more balanced (NOT better, I would still prefer he’d never done it!) relationship now.

i do love him and, for now, he’s a good husband. But he also knows, clear as fucking day, if he steps out of line again, he’s gone.

I've only read your OP.

My feeling is he has really shown that he is sorry, wants to stay and has made efforts. But then he risked everything for just a bit of fun. That's a hard juxtaposition.

My h had an affair. He did it to make himself feel better about himself. It was all online and on the phone for over a year then they met and had sex. Then he realised it was wrong but only told me as her h was writing to tell me. He did nowhere near enough to make it right. He blamed me then and he blames me now, years later, when discussing it with the kids. We are newly divorced over something else and I am massively resentful I stayed for years but reminding myself it was better for the kids.

Go with what is right for you. Then right die your kids. It might not be the same. Take your time. No decision is final.

I agree with all this except the 'unprecedented' part. I think it's the most usual reason for affairs. The couples who find themselves deeply involved in their affair are the ones who start creating webs of lies and rewriting history to excuse and justify what has become a deliberate betrayal of their spouses. Until then, it's What they don't know won't hurt them and What happens at conference stays at conference, etc. In Transactional Analysis, this is when a game becomes a racket.

There are far more common expressions for getting away with it (or trying to) than there are for doing the right thing, which should tell you something about human nature.

I once went to an ATM for £30 cash. It printed out £30 but gave me £300. Amazed, I told my husband about it. You know what he said? "Why didn't you put your card in again?" It hadn't occurred to me, I already felt like an accidental thief. He legged it down there with his card, to find a long line of people with the same idea. The same husband taught me that, if you tried all the car doors parked down the road at night, at least one would be unlocked with the keys in. Yes, he cheated on me quite prolifically.

I know a 'work husband & wife' who've been in such a long-established relationship that I'd worked with them for a year before realising they're both married to other people. They love each other and also love their spouses. Both say they'd never do anything to hurt their families. Contradictory but it works for them, as neither will jeopardise the other's family situation - having a secret and getting away with it is a big part of what holds them together.

So now you know you're married to a chancer, someone who enjoys the game of getting away with it. Maybe you already knew this about him? Perhaps he'd hop in an unlocked Porsche and drive it around for the experience, taking care to replace it exactly as he found it. Maybe he's the guy to spot an original Tiffany brooch at a car boot sale and nonchalantly hand over £1 for it. There's a lot to love about people like this; they're good fun and often seem to bring good luck.

Your husband took care NOT to 'steal' anything from you, in the sense that he's been as loving and appreciative as always. He stole your trust - but only because the other wronged spouse found out. If you can figure out exactly how you feel wronged, you'll be on the way to discovering whether this marriage can still make you happy, and which factors might need to change.

Everything I've written here relates to Transactional Analysis. If you and DH decide to consider therapy, I'd suggest finding a TA practitioner.

to be honest, working in an industry with lots of travel the cheating ‘because I could’ is not that uncommon,
and its both men and women, though probably more likely to be men.
Personally I think the real driver is sex with someone new is much more exciting than sex with someone you have been with for 15 years and perhaps have never been that sexually compatible with.
he may well be full of remorse. Will he do it again? Maybe not immediately but 5 years down the line - maybe

Amazing post (and in defence of my "it seems unprecendented" comment, I meant "from what I've read on Mumsnet"). Must check out transactional analysis....

No OP, he scoffed because they haven't had enough sexual encounters for the relationship to be a 'proper' affair in his eyes. It was cut short too early.
It's not about emotional connection, he's not into emotional connections, or he wouldn't have done that to you.
I really admire you for not being the kind of person who says hurtful things, even to you exH, but I don't think he is at your level on this. 'Because I could' is a very hurtful thing to say in this situation, reeks of arrogance, and dismisses your relationship as negligible. He sounds very self centred to the point of enjoying the focus on his ego, even as he plays the ideal contrite cheater. He is not to be taken seriously, at all. Take your own good time coming to terms with his betrayal and don't forget he's only and always, thinking of himself.

That’s an interesting and insightful post Garlictest.

A lot has already been said but I would probably add:

Infidelity is far more common than people like to think.

A lot of people don’t really think all that deeply, whether they are the ones having an affair or hearing about someone else’s affair.

People can compartmentalise very, very easily.

There are some real red herrings being thrown in the mix here. The point is, he had a choice. He chose to shag this woman. He did not give a shit at that time about you, your feelings, your marriage. He chose. He is not devastated at the discovery he is devastated by the consequences and possible further consequences of the discovery and I sincerely hope that you can see the difference.

How will you ever be able to trust him again? I wouldn't. He's demonstrated that when he has to choose between loyalty to his marriage, his wife, his integrity or an illicit shag, shag wins hands down.

If you're staying with him because you're worried about the process of separating and being single again, remember that many women (and men) have chosen self respect and to walk away from a cheating, self centred partner. You see - it's that word again. Choice.

Yes it can be that simple that it’s “just because I could”, but it takes a certain personality type. Someone low in morals, deceptive, able to separate sex and love, sleazy, and an opportunist.

As for whether he could do that and passionately love you etc, that’s a different question. I don’t think so. My ex always said he could easily shag lots of different women, if it wasn’t “wrong” but that I’m the one he deeply loved and wanted forever with. I struggled with that, and a few years down the line I realise that our definition of love was very different. Someone can say “I love you”, but do they mean the same thing as you do when they say it. People take the words at face value, believing that whatever they feel love is, is what the other person is feeling.

Its simple. Ask yourself if YOU could do that and be deeply in love with your husband or whether the thought of it is disgusting, a turn off, makes you tearful, you just want the man you love, immoral etc.

If so, you have a different definition of love and deserve to be with someone who loves you the way you love him. If you could do the above; then you are a good match, and you have your answer that yes with that definition of “love”, he could shag someone else and love you.

I don’t believe people with this defintion of love, even know what love is. They are genuinely self serving and so you should really understand that he is likely thinking of all he has to lose if he loses you, and carve out a better life for yourself that doesn’t include this sleazy opportunist.

Infidelity…have you been able to have time - on your own - without him, without him around you to just let your feelings and thoughts unfurl, in their own time, without his presence being close? My feeling is that if you can, I’d go away somewhere lovely and warm, alone for a week or three. Leave the house/ family to him to take care of. And he can pay for it too. I’ve got my views on infidelity but they are irrelevant. What matters is you having the space to be alone and let the feelings come through. There isn’t a right or wrong next step, leaving him, starting with him - both have pro/ cons, both aren’t without some kind of pain, discomfort - finically, socially, family-wise, health (maybe). Love is based on those intangible things - of trust, honesty, faith, attraction, chemistry, friendship. To have a chance of rebuilding trust means someone has been able to provide an apology that is meaningful. This next bit isn’t helpful - but sharing as a perspective: I was once betrayed, nothing “happened” but messages were shared over a month and that was enough. My mind raced to thinking a) had this happened before b) why did this happen? Am I not attractive enough c) am I not fulfilling him sexually d) is he settling for me e) does he want to leave me and this is the first step to test waters f) does anyone else know - (humiliation feelings) g) is he lying about other things ? can I trust him at all h) do I even know who he is? the man I feel in love with isn’t this man. Doesn’t have these deceitful qualities…. My mind unraveled. I could not trust him. I stayed with him for a further 5 years…but I could never trust him again. The beautiful, invisible thread that held us together - the beautiful love went. I knew he made a mistake. I wanted and tried to believe him. He said it was meaningless. He didn’t see it was meaningful for me. Sometimes stupid things happen say when drunk - once. That’s bad enough. But for something - communication, meetings to continue to happen - that’s not as mistake. Take your time working out how you feel. It’s so important. Then work out what you want to do next. Wish you well. X

My DH was devastated at the discovery and the exposure

Course he is. God only knows how many women he has had when you believe he's remorseful. He only regretted it after it happened. He doesn't love you one bit.

This a million times.

Well, the thing is you now know that your husband is morally ok with cheating. Some people are, and some people aren’t. He is.

The fact that he has no reason other than he could is probably the worse reason of all. You can’t work on anything to ensure it doesn’t happen again; by his own admission there’s nothing to work on. Everything was good, and still he cheated.

The emotional connection is also a red flag - he didn’t meet a stranger in a bar and fuck her. There would have been a build up. Flirting, texting. It wasn’t “just” sex. Add all of the above to the fact that he wasn’t sorry enough to confess, just sorry when he got caught, and it would be a no from me. I don’t think there’s any coming back from this.

My first dh cheated on me with 4 women that I know of. I threw him out after finding out about one, and during the upheaval he confessed to the rest. Every single one was "because he could." We divorced, he remarried and...wait for it...cheated on her, too.

Because of course he did. It's always easier after the first time. Cheaters cheat, liars lie. They don't change.

Yes, I think some people do it because they can, but they're the worst sort and will do it again....and again.

I do think it's possible for good people to get in too deep, without properly realising until it's too late, maybe not coming clean because while no one knows no one gets hurt, but I don't belive someone who deliberately set out to see what he could get away with is devastated at what he did, only about getting caught and the consequences of that.

Agree that it’s a total myth there has to be something wrong in a relationship for a person to have an affair. This is why for so many people affairs come as a shock and why so many people say their partner was “the person least likely to”. People also don’t know how they will react until it happens to them. Anyone saying “He’d be out of the door in an instant” thinks that way until it actually happens.

I do think people who have affairs have a weakness of character and fragile ego though. They need external validation to feel loved and important because they don’t feel complete or lovable in themselves. This is the recurring theme I have experienced working with people who have had affairs. They might blame the relationship for their failings in some cases because that’s a whole lot easier than looking at the flaws within themselves. Your DH is at least being honest and isn’t blaming you for his failings even though what he is saying doesn’t make sense to the person without a fragile ego.

This is it exactly. In this case it was seemingly his reputation being on the line as well from the exposure.

It would be more credible if the cheater became depressed or agitated. Started behaving differently like they were filled with guilt and were wrestling with some monumental crisis internally. That would show true remorse at what they had done.

But this rarely if ever happens. It always seems to be AFTER they have been found out. Suddenly the shame and regret comes flooding in. Funny that.

👏🏻