Affair - “Just because I could” - is it ever that simple?

[MustyDooDah]

Some months ago, my DH’s fairly short affair was discovered (by the OW’s husband).

It was on and off texting, and a few meet ups extending to kissing and at least one sexual encounter. Shortly after the sexual encounter, her DH twigged something was wrong, checked her phone, hey presto.

My DH was devastated at the discovery and the exposure. An absolutely broken man who pleaded for a chance to make amends and he has honestly worked tirelessly (couples counselling, purchased multiple books, changed lots of behaviours, massively attentive to me, a personality transplant) to save our relationship. Willing to do anything if I don’t leave him.

I’m still struggling with a few things, including the reason/why it happened.

He is insistent that there was and is absolutely nothing wrong or missing in our relationship. That he loves me as much as he ever did and is furious with himself that he didn’t “appreciate me” enough. He says he did what he did “because he could”. The opportunity was there (it was discussed, apparently, that both he and OW were happy in their relationships, didn’t want to leave their spouses, but fancied each other and wanted a bit of fun) and he decided to just see how far he could push it. Assuming that I’d never, ever find out. And with no intention of leaving me/wanting anything else/doesnt feel anything for her/wants to be with me forever.

So, talk to me. Is this actually a thing? Have you cheated, or been cheated on, just because you/they could? Is it possible to feel genuine, deep, love, in a loving relationship, but still take an opportunity when it’s presented to you? Is recovery afterwards possible?

There were zero signs, and if you’d asked me I would have said we were in the best place we’ve ever been.

Just because he could? With absolutely no regard for you at all (who he says he loves)? How could he? It's disgusting and there would be absolutely no way I'd get over such a betrayal of trust.

Absolutely. It's a myth that there has to be something wrong in the relationship for an affair to happen. Many are simply down to opportunity.

Wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him though.

He was devastated? Only because he got caught.

To him it was a quick exciting shag.

To you it's the ultimate betrayal.

So he rolled the dice on your marriage and risked destroying the marriage, everything you have built together, and crushing your heart by having sex with someone he doesn't love, "for a bit of fun"?

I'll tell you what I'd be telling him: "Fuck you and the horse you rode in on." That's a pathetic specimen of humanity right there.

See I don’t think so. I love my husband completely, I love our family, I love the bond we have, I would never ever do anything to risk that and genuinely although I can obviously appreciate that other people are attractive I would never ever even think of crossing that line. Either he doesn’t love you, or his idea of love is very warped and not a love I would want personally. Someone capable of carrying on affair with another woman over a prolonged period of time especially, repeatedly, “just because” isn’t someone I’d want in my life for a second longer.

There’s also the health risks he has put on you by sleeping with her and then you.

It's about boundaries.
I always said and have always felt that cheating for me would be the end of a relationship.
When it happened I tried to put this aside but, ultimately, I couldn't. My boundary remained and it had been badly crossed (more than once it turned out 😞) so the relationship had no future.

It's about your boundaries how you feel about infidelity and if you can move past it.

‘I really genuinely love you but I fucked a random woman ‘just because I could’.

i think you know the answer.

He didn't respect you enough to not do it.

He didn't respect you enough to tell you the truth when you confronted him. He preferred to keep on lying to see if he could get away with it.

All this work he's doing supposedly to make up for it - who booked the couples counselling? And is he having his own counselling?

Is this the first time he's done it? How could you ever be sure? He's indicated he doesn't value the truth and will only admit it when he's forced to.

Honestly, I'm unusual as a woman it seems in that I could and have had completely unattached sex. I've been in a completely amazing relationship - great everything Inc fairly regular, passionate sex, and still thought about. For me, different people = different experiences. I would never cheat, but I can see the temptation.

I'd be more concerned by the lying, up to you if you can get over that. But I understand the temptation if he didn't think he'd get caught.

he got away with it because your still together.
I couldent be with anyone that done that to me do it once it will be the last time.

I think he's been (ironically) very honest and I think a high percentage of affairs happen "because I could".

It's only once caught that cheaters break out The Script and start rewriting history.

Yes, it is very possible for people to cheat due to opportunity alone. And I also agree with pps who think this is a difficult-to-process reason for cheating as it means that potentially these opportunities have occurred before and that they could happen again. You know about this affair because he got caught out, but how do you know there haven't been other opportunities that he took advantage of where he didn't get caught? How will you ever trust him again knowing that he's potentially too weak to say no when another opportunity arises?

He's not cheating because he got too close to somebody over a period of time- if he'd had an emotional affair based on a closely developing friendship then going forward he would recognise the potential issues/red flags and modify his behaviour when he realises he's getting too close to another woman. In this case there is no way for him to see the red flags and modify his behaviour because it's all about an opportunity presenting itself which could happen at any point and the only way he will stay faithful is fully dependent on his ego and will-power.

I think couples can move on from affairs, especially when there are particular reasons for why it happened, but I would be very wary given his affair was based on simply being flattered.

Dear gods, the sheer disrespect he’s showing, @MustyDooDah . I’m staggered.

”I shagged some random woman, destroying your faith in me and our family’s security, because although it meant nothing emotionally I wanted the flattery of knowing I could. I didn’t care about her, the opportunity merely presented itself.”

I’d be wearing his bollocks as earrings.

How dare he treat you and your children so lightly? How dare he see your love as something he gets for free and doesn’t need to earn?

It’s not often I turn towards sexist stereotypes and violence, but I hope you have a brother who punches him straight in the nose.

He is sorry because he was caught out. Really only sorry about that.

Yep. And I also believe this is why throughout history in almost every (if not all) cultures - men and women occupied different spaces and were kept apart. Even married couples wouldn't be spending that much time together except in the evening / night time. Before the world went mad everybody knew what happens when men and women spend time around each other.

@MustyDooDah

I think that this is a really common scenario. And i have seen surveys of people - and a large % of men and women would cheat (one off) - if there is an opportunity and a 100% guarantee their partner wont find out.

People cheat because it gives them some excitement and physical newness, which long term relationships dont have.

Love in the marriage has nothing to do with it. This is purely a physical sensation that people are after in this scenario.
And, personally - i think i’d prefer that over a full blown emotional/physical affair. Those are hard to come back from.
Physical only - is possible. In my opinion.

Of course there was an emotional connection. His ego feeling good because she is interested is an emotional connection. The excitement of it being illicit was an emotional connection.

You can’t possibly believe he loves you, wants a future with you and then just shagged the first women who would have him who he didn’t have any emotional connection with?

I think so too .

Op it's not the first (or last) time he cheated it's the first time you've caught him. I'm sorry to be so blunt but I really believe some people just don't regard cheating is that big a deal. Sorry this had happened to you

He got caught. He’s realised the grass wasn’t greener (this time).
my sil forgave my bil thirty years ago, still together, apparently ok
me, dh, became xdh, because although he was very sorry he couldn’t promise not to do it again (because at any time he might just realise he can, again).

unless you love him soooo much and can move on then I’d strongly take time to think it through 💐

So of course he's only devastated because he got found out, he wasn't 'devastated' at any time before that was he? How long would it have gone on if the husband hadn't found out? An easy shag was more important than his marriage and he did it just because he could, he wanted to have his cake and eat it. Alternatively he's just telling you that now it's over and he actually thought it was going to go somewhere - who can tell when all you know for sure is that he's a liar and a cheat?

When the reason is 'because he could' there's absolutely nothing he can work on or change to make you feel he won't do it again - especially if he knows you take him back afterwards.

Of course it's a reason. Most would jump at the chance to have some funI think.

You need to understand that a lot of people, mainly men, have a physical attitude to sex. It's all about the primeval part of the brain. That part of the brain was formed in humans before any concepts of marriage or commitment or anything like that.

Of course it's a reason. Most would jump at the chance to have some fun I think.