Affair - “Just because I could” - is it ever that simple?

[MustyDooDah]

Some months ago, my DH’s fairly short affair was discovered (by the OW’s husband).

It was on and off texting, and a few meet ups extending to kissing and at least one sexual encounter. Shortly after the sexual encounter, her DH twigged something was wrong, checked her phone, hey presto.

My DH was devastated at the discovery and the exposure. An absolutely broken man who pleaded for a chance to make amends and he has honestly worked tirelessly (couples counselling, purchased multiple books, changed lots of behaviours, massively attentive to me, a personality transplant) to save our relationship. Willing to do anything if I don’t leave him.

I’m still struggling with a few things, including the reason/why it happened.

He is insistent that there was and is absolutely nothing wrong or missing in our relationship. That he loves me as much as he ever did and is furious with himself that he didn’t “appreciate me” enough. He says he did what he did “because he could”. The opportunity was there (it was discussed, apparently, that both he and OW were happy in their relationships, didn’t want to leave their spouses, but fancied each other and wanted a bit of fun) and he decided to just see how far he could push it. Assuming that I’d never, ever find out. And with no intention of leaving me/wanting anything else/doesnt feel anything for her/wants to be with me forever.

So, talk to me. Is this actually a thing? Have you cheated, or been cheated on, just because you/they could? Is it possible to feel genuine, deep, love, in a loving relationship, but still take an opportunity when it’s presented to you? Is recovery afterwards possible?

There were zero signs, and if you’d asked me I would have said we were in the best place we’ve ever been.

This is the whole point though really. It’s not about ‘getting away’ with anything. It’s about the fact that hurting someone you actually love would also hurt you.

you wouldn’t get away with it at all.

The worst thing about this type of "because I could" isn't because of the prosaic physical opportunity at all. It's because in his brain, he could make the choice, the active decision, to cheat, and feel no guilt until he was found out.

I think this has articulated quite well why it’s bothering me so much.

Thank you @tobee . You’re quite right.

It is several months since the discovery and it has taken me this long to post as the panic/anger/adrenaline has taken quite a while to subside. I’m finding this thread really helpful to process things.

I think PP meant that the cheater believes they love their partner, but their definition of love isnt the widely accepted one, that they go on to describe.

Yes I do think it is possible for people to cheat for no other reason than the thrill of it. Remember how it feels when you are in list with someone, it's like getting a thrill from alcohol/drugs etc. does that make any difference for the person who is cheated on? Not sure. But it doesn't mean he doesn't love you and doesn't want to be in the relationship with you.

If he hadn't been found out, would it have developed into a full blown affair? Where was his line, where would it stop? And he was fine with doing what he did without you knowing?

Thank you so much for sharing that @Anna808. I’ve had to just have a proper good sob. The feelings of loss and grief that I felt at the start just gave me a bit of a kicking. X

Im so sorry you’re going through this. It’s so unfair that the betrayed partner ends up carrying most of the pain that they didn’t ever deserve.

Grieving is a part of it. Whatever you decide to do next - wish you well. Remember, always, none of this is your fault or any reflection of you. Ever. If there are issues - people can bring it to the table and talk about them. We are all human, we do make mistakes and we can, sometimes recover and rebuild. Take care X

Many moons ago, when my aunt was in this situation, the reason my uncle gave for his long affair was: "It was offered to me on a platter, I would have been stupid to refuse". That just told her about his moral fibre. To me, your husband risked everything, for nothing. I would have more understanding if he´d fallen madly in love actually. But the "just because I could, and always thought I wouldn´t get caught" trope, just makes me despise him.

I would guess he's having some sort of midlife crisis - the OW made him feel young and wanted again. Basically her attention / their interaction boosted his ego and once he had his pudding he realised that it wasn't that amazing to risk what he already had. Especially once he was rumbled and the excitement of a secret was no more.

I feel for everyone in this position - but I especially feel for you - what are you really going to do with 'I felt like a bit of fun and it was there?' I mean what has he said he is going to do next time he feels like a bit of fun? Was he going to keep having this fun with multiple parents until you maybe found out one day?

It might be because he is too scared to go there - but there is a reason why he risked your relationship for a bit of fun. And he needs to be honest with what was missing from you or his life before you can maybe move on.

Wonderful advice there. Thank you @Susieb2023

And all this was more important to him than you. What a pathetic man. He's only sorry because he got caught.

Didn’t read the whole post so just replying to the question you quote on the title.

No OP, it’s not that simple at all. All of us have opportunities. Absolutely everyone. But the majority does not cheat. So, please tell your husband to be honest with you and himself and take accountability for his behaviour. He did it for the thrill and I wonder whether he would repeat it should the opportunity arise. At the same time of course he doesn’t want to lose the securoty you offer to him. I wonder how he would react zif you told him that yiu also found an opportunity and grabbed it? Tell him this and see how he reacts. It would be fun.

For me his reasoning seems worse than others but I can’t put my finger on why? I could never trust again for that reason. Sorry op for what you’re going through.

If he gets another opportunity, where he thinks he could get away with it, he will.

If he ever goes away for overnight work conferences, you'll wonder what he's up to.

If he ever goes away for a stag do, you'll wonder what he's up to.

If he ever goes away to see ageing relatives, you'll wonder.

This type of man doesn't even require a cover excuse as above; presuming he works (either employed or self-employed), he could easily take half a day off shagging and you would never know the difference.

The fact that you had to drag it out of him despite OW DH having the proof should tell you everything you need to know about your 'D'H.

He cannot be trusted, which I personally couldn't live with.

To be honest OP, I would not continue in a relationship in which I no longer trusted my partner. In this case, I would only need to consider the question: "Where would my relationship be now had the OWs husband not found those texts?" If the answer was "being deceived" I would be packing his cases.
I wish you all the very best.💐

Get yourself over to the Chump lady blog. Her Universal Bullshit translator is most helpful.

I'm sorry he did this to you.

I'd have brained him for his wide-eyed faux naivety. And for scoffing. This was a coldly-calculated deliberate decision on his part. He even admitted as much. Don't fall for the oops I didn't know there would be consequences.

I would actually like to share with you his "disclosure" letter he wrote to me as well. It is hearbreaking that the person who we love the most in this world, would do something like this. I am so sorry for you and all the others going through this. And to think, I was admitted to a mental hospital this time last year because I could not take the pain anymore, and tried to take my own life. The pain is still not better. But i did learn to (sort of) cope. To find ways to deal with the triggers and the anger, and the pain, and shame, and fuck.... everything. I can not tell you how I felt on the 29th of August 2023 when the other husband called me at work!!! I honestly thought I was going to have a heart attack. Please go look on FB or YouTube for Dr Kathy Nickerson. Esther Perel and www.affairrecovery.com

It's refreshing to hear a cheater tell the truth for a change.

I would say most affairs are due to his reasons, but the vast vast majority of cheaters are not going to say what he said out loud.

Is he ND?

(The whole reconciliation and counselling industry makes money out of the excuses that cheaters latch onto. "An affair doesn't happen in a vacuum, blah blah". No, it absolutely can, depending of the character of a person. And even if there were problems, one person chose to "deal" with them by cheating, the other did not).

Back on character - he's selfish, disloyal, has low integrity, is happy to put you in an unequal/inferior position in your partnership (because that's what you do when you decide you're entitled to break the agreement of monogamy/exclusively but you'll let the other person stick to it and not tell them they're playing by rules you are no longer playing by).

He's also a risk taker and foolish ... because affairs often get found out, no matter how smart or good at being secretive, or sneaky you think you are; as has been demonstrated. Which makes him a bit arrogant and dumb.

It's good, in a way, that he's making it so clear he's all these things.

Instead of strangling you in the mire of excuses, blame, bullshit, mg problems, addiction problems, rewriting and other cheater bingo.

You know exactly what you're dealing with.

If he was a business partner, would you continue to invest in him?
He's basically betrayed you and told you to your face that he's low integrity, immoral, dishonest and disloyal.

The cheer arrogance (or indifference?) that he feels comfortable saying that and that you won't immediately walk ..... Is another issue.

You seem to have integrity in life; so I'm not sure why you'd consider continuing to hitch your wagon to him.

You're fundamentally unsuited.

He's suited to women like he had the affair with. Women who'll cheat on their partners, cheat with other people's partners, lie, cover up, deceive, risk their own and other people's health (STDs can get around condoms), take people's agency away from them in their relationship and sex life, risk pregnancy (if of child bearing age and not on iron clad contraception, and no contraception is 100% reliable) with men who are not their partner, go home to their man with some other blokes cum running out of them (if they didnt use condoms) etc etc .

I know people like this. They should be left to their fellow skanks and sociopaths. Good people are wasted on them, and - like you can see above - are often caused huge pain, trauma, stress and mental health issues by them. Leave them to each other.

Yes, he could do have loved you. What he didn't think of at the time was the consequences, because it was never meant for you to find out about.

The couples who suceed in reconciliation, are the ones where the cheating party admits, doesn't blame or make excuses and is genuinely remorseful - but just because they were caught.

One who does the heavy lifting to regain the broken trust, who is empathetic and doesn't shy away from answering questions about the affair.

The truth is that affairs are not common that most people think. A good person can have an affair ...it's their actions afterwards in understanding how much they've hurt their partner, the broken trust, how their behaviour breeds insecurity and the feeling of not being good enough, how they show appreciation and gratitude for the second chance, as many cheaters, will openly admit they would not reconcile if the boot was on the other foot.

It can take up to 5 years to build back the trust and they requires patience and understanding from the one who cheated ... not the attitude of when will you get over this.

They don't get to put a timeframe on your healing.

It's frustrating when the cheating party doesn't get this.

What he didn't think of at the time was the consequences, because it was never meant for you to find out about.

My h is very very far from perfect. In fact he has many major faults that would be a subject for another thread).

Buf when I said that he could cheat and not be found out, no-one would know; he answered emphatically;

"I WOULD KNOW!"

That's integrity.

Not what you think wouldn't get found out.

What you would do and live with/be ok with yourself.

So whether someone thought they'd ever be found out or not, is irrelevant.

I agree that there doesn't need to have been anything wrong in the marriage before it happens but there certainly is afterwards, it's tainted.

I know of some very faithful men who, as far as could be guaranteed, would not have an affair BUT they are outliers. Most men would if they could, if they could be certain that their pleasant little lives wouldn't be blown apart... they would go there.

Others would if they could but just don't have the opportunity... I think there are a lot of them, whose wives/partners live in blissful ignorance and assurance that their Nigels will never be unfaithful. They're right, he won't, because he can't.

OP, I'm really sorry to read your post. Whatever happens, this is nothing whatsoever to do with you, not a reflection of you in any way at all. The 'just because I could' excuse is harrowing. What's to stop him again? All those books that he's bought, well anybody can clicketty-click on Amazon and pick up a shelf-full, reading and absorbing them is entirely different - and even if he does, what does that change?

I think you feel this way because he's still controlling what happens... you can't leave him because look, he's doing everything he can. Only he didn't do everything he could to keep your marriage sacrosanct between you two. Nothing he says or does will ever side-step that.

What he thinks and feels really doesn't matter, he's the one who has wrought change. What you think and feel is the only relevant factor here and you don't need to make a decision now or soon or years down the line. You can call it quits anytime you like.

Not sure why you called this bizarre. I think I made myself pretty clear.

Not sure you’ve read my quote properly.