Affair - “Just because I could” - is it ever that simple?

[MustyDooDah]

Some months ago, my DH’s fairly short affair was discovered (by the OW’s husband).

It was on and off texting, and a few meet ups extending to kissing and at least one sexual encounter. Shortly after the sexual encounter, her DH twigged something was wrong, checked her phone, hey presto.

My DH was devastated at the discovery and the exposure. An absolutely broken man who pleaded for a chance to make amends and he has honestly worked tirelessly (couples counselling, purchased multiple books, changed lots of behaviours, massively attentive to me, a personality transplant) to save our relationship. Willing to do anything if I don’t leave him.

I’m still struggling with a few things, including the reason/why it happened.

He is insistent that there was and is absolutely nothing wrong or missing in our relationship. That he loves me as much as he ever did and is furious with himself that he didn’t “appreciate me” enough. He says he did what he did “because he could”. The opportunity was there (it was discussed, apparently, that both he and OW were happy in their relationships, didn’t want to leave their spouses, but fancied each other and wanted a bit of fun) and he decided to just see how far he could push it. Assuming that I’d never, ever find out. And with no intention of leaving me/wanting anything else/doesnt feel anything for her/wants to be with me forever.

So, talk to me. Is this actually a thing? Have you cheated, or been cheated on, just because you/they could? Is it possible to feel genuine, deep, love, in a loving relationship, but still take an opportunity when it’s presented to you? Is recovery afterwards possible?

There were zero signs, and if you’d asked me I would have said we were in the best place we’ve ever been.

I know of some very faithful men who, as far as could be guaranteed, would not have an affair BUT they are outliers. Most men would if they could, if they could be certain

I'm a pretty cynical person and tbh a misandrist; and even I don't think it's "most" men.
Maybe about 50-50.

Which is in like with most apparently reliable surveys on the subject.

With respect, HazelPlayer, of course he would know. Saying that is not a stamp of integrity. Not doing it, for the duration of the marriage/relationship, is, and there are no 'awards' in the meantime.

I think it's dangerous to say it's most men and give women the impression that they are extremely unlikely to meet a non cheater if they become single.

I don't believe that to be true.

It's giving a false reality, against at which women might make poor decisions, out of hopelessness or normalising cheating men.

You've completely lost me.

The meaning from what he said, is that he never would ... because it's about his personal integrity. It's not about whether he was caught or not.

It's just words, isn't it? They cost him nothing to say.

What he tells you and what he thinks and does in an actual situation in front of someone else are likely to be somewhat different...

His words have been borne out by decades of behaviour.

I really don’t know whether a good person could have an affair. A good person can fall in love but will go to their partner, tell them and at least set them free.
A good person wouldn’t lie repeatedly to their partner and mistress/lover wanting to have the best of both worlds.
And I am not sure that he/she loves their partner while cheating. What they love is what their partner offers them and are scared they are going to lose.
Unless two people have agreed to an open marriage (and I really haven’t seen one working) then to me indifelity is rather a deal breaker. For many reasons: lying to your partner, setting their health at risk of STDs, playing with their mental health and many more.
It can happen to fall out of love with your partner but you have to be honest with them and set them free. Not hung onto them until you see If your affair partner is better or until you find something better. That’s not decent.

I've known him for decades.

I would say that his behaviour on that subject matches his words.

It's also fairly easy to tell when someone is not sincere ..... Or at least it has always been easy for me.

Am I missing something or do you know @HazelPlayer's husband personally? Or are you telling a woman on the internet that you, MaxTalk, know better than she does what her husband would actually do?

Op, what would his response be to you in reverse circumstances?

Would he continue the marriage?

Would he continue it but not with any intention of fidelity?

These guys (and occasionally girls) are never quite do chilled and matter of fact when the shoe's on the other foot.

gannett, It's not about knowing another person. Even if you've known them for decades, if this particular thing hasn't cropped up before then you have absolutely no way of knowing how they will/would respond to it.

Even if both you and they think otherwise.

Fine for you to disagree but I can't see anything in MaxTalk's post for you to take offence at?

I’d just like to say thank you to everyone who has commented. I really appreciate all the different perspectives, the generosity of personal insights and stories, and some of the thought provoking questions. And the kindness has been of real comfort. Thank you.

A lot have mentioned lying and some have mentioned safety. I think processing how I feel about these points is for another thread, but for now I’m going to re-read these replies a few times.

And someone (sorry I can’t recall who now) mentioned working out how I feel wronged. I quite like that question. I don’t think that’s a way I’ve quite looked at the situation yet.

I feel so sorry for others who have been through this, and so thankful for those offering support.

Honestly I think yes it can be that simple. Because first and foremost he did not intend for you to find out. So actually in his head everything he did after that point didn't really matter because as long as you didn't know, you could not be hurt.

I think it is possible to compartmentalise to such an extent this is a separate part of your life that nobody else needs to know about. And the ego boost is nice.

What this requires is not dwelling on what would happen if your wife does find out. Because I think that's the point where it falls apart and you realise you don't want to risk everything. But if you don't take that second "what if" step then yes I think "because it was offered on a plate" can be the sole reason.

Yes I'm aware we can never truly know anyone etc etc etc. But we stand a better chance of knowing what they'll do in a given circumstance if we actually are acquainted with them. @MaxTalk declaring that it's "likely" that @HazelPlayer's husband will act in a certain way (essentially telling her it's likely that he's lying) is out of line.

Even if you've known them for decades, if this particular thing hasn't cropped up before then you have absolutely no way of knowing how they will/would respond to it.

You do realise that makes absolutely no sense.

That decades of intimate knowledge, familiarity and observation of someone - would result in zero insight, more than a total stranger, into how they might act in a situation.

The "don't know themselves, their own minds, how they would behave" is equally bizarre.

I think there's some betrayed spouse, reconciliation stuff being projected very strongly here.

"It could happen to anyone, no-one knows how they'd act, no-one is predictable, no-one would reliably stick to their principles".

I'm sure that's a comforting/excusing concept for betrayed spouses. Is it accurate though .... Not imho.

I did ask him this, right at the start. And his answer was that he wouldn’t be taking it as hard as I am. And he admitted he’d been surprised at the strength of my reaction. I didn’t feel too hurt by this because, actually, if you’d put the hypothetical scenario to me before it happened for real, I also wouldn’t have expected me to take it as hard as I am.

Because first and foremost he did not intend for you to find out. So actually in his head everything he did after that point didn't really matter because as long as you didn't know, you could not be hurt.

Didn't really matter, to who?

Oh and would he accept that if he found out the op had sexted and fucked her attractive, up for it work colleague, for example?

"Oh, you didn't think I'd ever find out so it didn't really matter, no problem Hun, what's for dinner?".

Like ..... WTAF

And his answer was that he wouldn’t be taking it as hard as I am

Bull fucking shit.

Very easy to say when it hasn't happened to you

It's very easy to be blase about theoretical things that haven't happened to you, and that you think won't happen to you.

Well who knows how he would take it. But yes, I think it's a in box in his head labelled "things my wife will never know"

Like I said, I think it only works if you don't take that next "what if she does find out" step and consider all the possible consequences.

And that's why he doesn't really have an excuse. There is no story, he hasn't spent months justifying to himself reasons why this is okay. He has not considered this outcome.

You can't now that you're this far on because he don't believe you (or would focus on why you didn't say before) but I would have advised you to tell him you're glad this has come out because you actually slept with X a year ago, and have felt guilty about it, but now things are even and you feel you can get honest.

When the shoe's on the other foot, his philosophical attitude would disappear, Id put serious money on it.

And his answer was that he wouldn’t be taking it as hard as I am.

Translation: You're overreacting, completely, and must stop it because you're spoiling things.

Ugh.

And excitement!

And his answer was that he wouldn’t be taking it as hard as I am

Well op, if you choose to continue the relationship with him, I'd consider that a very open carte blanche to do whatever the fuck you want with whatever man you fancy.

Cause he wouldn't take it hard, he'd be relatively ok with it, right?

Plus the minor matter that he's trashed the sexual exclusivity in your relationship. You've only found out due to his affair partner's husband letting you know. And he's quite mater of fact and blase about it all.

This has been the thread I have been looking for since my 'DH' fucked our marriage up about 6 months ago. I genuinely hope we make it through, he is trying really hard and recognises it's all on him.
The really weird thing is that I knew something was wrong but couldn't work out what, my anxiety was so bad that a woman I only met twice noticed and mentioned that I might be suffering from the perimenopause😳. As a family we suffered a significant bereavement last year and as the mum it fell to me to hold everything together, I did not have the headspace to deal with his grumpiness, I needed him to support me. Unfortunately through this time he turned 50 which led to the Script (thankfully not 100%)! My loyal, devoted, trustworthy husband of a quarter of a century fell in love with a woman. The woman (obviously I know her name) is 15 years younger, prettier, found him fascinating and laughed at his jokes🙄. He was apparently genuinely in love with both of us but hadn't wanted to ever leave our marriage. It stopped when I found the condoms. I have never felt pain like it. It was worse than bereavement for a long time.
This thread has reminded me how strong I am. I don't need to find a younger model to cling onto my youth or find excitement. I would never destroy my children and break up our home. I can't get my head around a younger me going after a 50yo, I mean I fancy the pants off him now and the sex is amazing as ever (years of practice 😉) but at thirty five I'd never have given him a look and if he'd have tried anything would have thought 'what a dirty old man'😂.
He is trying to make things better, apologies, listens to me, is remorseful and most importantly sees our future as being together. We have connected again and for the most part (except for my wobbles) we are so much happier, it's like the man I married is home, consequently the children are happier. Like countless others before I thought I'd LTB but a marriage is so much more than just us, it's worth fighting for. He has even started to read Mumsnet which has been eye opening for him. When you've read this 'really long thread' Darling you can let me know if I've been fair as obviously I haven't written it all down😊