Affair - “Just because I could” - is it ever that simple?

[MustyDooDah]

Some months ago, my DH’s fairly short affair was discovered (by the OW’s husband).

It was on and off texting, and a few meet ups extending to kissing and at least one sexual encounter. Shortly after the sexual encounter, her DH twigged something was wrong, checked her phone, hey presto.

My DH was devastated at the discovery and the exposure. An absolutely broken man who pleaded for a chance to make amends and he has honestly worked tirelessly (couples counselling, purchased multiple books, changed lots of behaviours, massively attentive to me, a personality transplant) to save our relationship. Willing to do anything if I don’t leave him.

I’m still struggling with a few things, including the reason/why it happened.

He is insistent that there was and is absolutely nothing wrong or missing in our relationship. That he loves me as much as he ever did and is furious with himself that he didn’t “appreciate me” enough. He says he did what he did “because he could”. The opportunity was there (it was discussed, apparently, that both he and OW were happy in their relationships, didn’t want to leave their spouses, but fancied each other and wanted a bit of fun) and he decided to just see how far he could push it. Assuming that I’d never, ever find out. And with no intention of leaving me/wanting anything else/doesnt feel anything for her/wants to be with me forever.

So, talk to me. Is this actually a thing? Have you cheated, or been cheated on, just because you/they could? Is it possible to feel genuine, deep, love, in a loving relationship, but still take an opportunity when it’s presented to you? Is recovery afterwards possible?

There were zero signs, and if you’d asked me I would have said we were in the best place we’ve ever been.

I think it is the most common reason of all.

I feel for you OP. In your last update you sounded so sad - I think this is because from what you wrote it seems like your husband’s life has returned to normal while you still feel devastated and are on meds. Is he really worth it? He has moved on from what he has done, but understandably, you haven’t/cant.
What would be your advice to your daughter in this situation if you had one?
My last thought is - what happened to the OW and her DH - did they stay together? I wonder what her response would be if she knew your husband slept with her just because he could. How did they meet? To understand why your husband did what he did in your shoes I think I would need to know something of her, after all it takes two.

Hi OP. I hope you are ok. I just wanted to send you love and hugs . Your post and many of the comments resonate with me and your feelings are how i feel now. Recently gone through it all. Im in the unfortunate same boat as you and its horrible. I saw this post as its been bumped up and its very similar. My DH told me it was the "thrill of the chase" for him. And ego boost. Work colleague. She pursued him and he fell for it. Decided to risk our marriage and engage in an Emotional affair and sexting. Its really not a nice situation to be in. I dont know how i can move on fully from it but we are trying to reconcile. Surviving infidelity forum has been helpful xxx 🫂🫂🫂

Thank you ❤️How long ago/how far in are you? I’ve found videos from places like Affair Recovery helpful. Some of the Esther Perel stuff.

It’s such an odd situation. Most of the time things are fine. We’re finding future things to look forward to. I’d say I’m happy generally. I think I’m still grieving for my old relationship though.

Its only been a month for me here still really early days. Good days and bad. Its hard xx

How do you know for sure that they would?

You should try reading Tracey Schorn's book "Leave a cheater, gain a life' and it's not about always leaving. She has a section on reconciliation too.
Currently you're eating what she refers to as the sh** sandwich. I think it's a chapter you'd find helpful.

This post could be helpful
https://www.chumplady.com/what-is-contempt-in-a-relationship/

I think this is many affairs? It’s nearly always about ego, that I’ve seen.

The married man’s ego is boosted by the attention, and the OW’s ego is boosted by perceiving she’s ‘beaten’ another woman. It’s very low level stuff from people who haven’t matured.

That’s what I’ve observed anyway - haven’t seen a pattern where both are married.

In some ways it seems worse. Risking your marriage for overwhelming feelings is one thing but risking it for an ego boost?

He cheated because he could , and was caught. I’d be surprised if this was the first time.

What stood out for me was him wanting to see how far he could push it , how utterly disrespectful.

There's always a multitude of reasons that can be thrown about to 'justify' an affair or to excuse it as a 'moment of weakness' and so on but the real crux is how it makes the other partner feel on discovery day and for the years afterwards. The pain that gets buried away inside is so damaging.
I write as someone who believed the lies and justifications and only decades later when I finally divorced him after yet another 'mistake' ( the mistake was getting caught) I suddenly felt lighter and more myself again (the 'myself ' of 30 years prior).

The trauma of the divorce was horrendous but the peace I found deep inside my soul afterwards is priceless.

@MustyDooDah he won’t change because he’s controlling a narrative of it being opportunistic and meaning nothing. So, there’s nothing to change. Therefore, surely it’ll happen again when the opportunity arises. He gets the best of you and your forgiveness whilst keeping his options open.

In trying to play it down, he’s dialled up the whopping red flag.

Well, obviously I don't. But at the grand old age of 68 I've worked in a wide range of different sectors and situations (from bar work to publishing to stockbroking) and a lot else in between. I've also lived and worked in 5 different countries and socialised over the years with an equally wide demographic. That's a fair bit of experience right there and in all that time I've rarely met a man who would categorically not even consider extra marital sex. I'm not suggesting all men go actively looking for extra martial sex, although a lot obviously do, but in my experience most would take up the offer if presented with the opportunity and if they thought they wouldn't get found out.

Is it possible to feel genuine, deep, love, in a loving relationship, but still take an opportunity when it’s presented to you?

When you love someone and are genuinely happy, the risk of losing them outweighs any 'thrill' imo.

Those triggers will be personal to you and come from all sorts of unexpected sources. For example, maybe just unexpectedly seeing him naked she will have seen him like that, or private moments during your intimate life, did he do this with her?

I find this fascinating. It sounds really tough.

But surely these thoughts would equally apply to anyone with an ex?

@MustyDooDah You are also reading and watching affair recovery, listening to Esther Perel (I personally have zero time for her affair apologist needs met nonsense but each to their own) you’re taking setraline, doing cbt and seeing a therapist… Good. For. You.

And he is…

Moaning about the house?

What is he actually doing to rebuild trust and sort out why he was so selfish and entitled. Your posts just sound like you are doing the work to manage his betrayal.

Yes Classic Narc -textbook
Poor me Im devastated at what I did.
Im the victim

Your marriage died. There is a grief process which will continue to take your knees for years to come, if not forever.

You have a new relationship but not yet a marriage, even though you are married to him. Is THIS man, that you now know better than before but still not fully (because he isn't challenging himself to understand why he would take a sledgehammer to your life together), a person you can trust? He's not the painted illusion of the man you yearn for, he's THIS man.

You're viewing your previous relationship with this husband through a misty, romantic lense. Clean the glass and decide what YOU want.

I know someone like that. He had affairs “ because he could”. After multiple affairs his first wife left him. He’s married to one of his affair partners and they both have affairs. What a miserable way to live. The first wife is happily remarried by all accounts and he bitterly regrets the divorce. I think he does want to change but he’s too much of a narcissist on that front. Otherwise really nice person and great friend