Affair - “Just because I could” - is it ever that simple?

[MustyDooDah]

Some months ago, my DH’s fairly short affair was discovered (by the OW’s husband).

It was on and off texting, and a few meet ups extending to kissing and at least one sexual encounter. Shortly after the sexual encounter, her DH twigged something was wrong, checked her phone, hey presto.

My DH was devastated at the discovery and the exposure. An absolutely broken man who pleaded for a chance to make amends and he has honestly worked tirelessly (couples counselling, purchased multiple books, changed lots of behaviours, massively attentive to me, a personality transplant) to save our relationship. Willing to do anything if I don’t leave him.

I’m still struggling with a few things, including the reason/why it happened.

He is insistent that there was and is absolutely nothing wrong or missing in our relationship. That he loves me as much as he ever did and is furious with himself that he didn’t “appreciate me” enough. He says he did what he did “because he could”. The opportunity was there (it was discussed, apparently, that both he and OW were happy in their relationships, didn’t want to leave their spouses, but fancied each other and wanted a bit of fun) and he decided to just see how far he could push it. Assuming that I’d never, ever find out. And with no intention of leaving me/wanting anything else/doesnt feel anything for her/wants to be with me forever.

So, talk to me. Is this actually a thing? Have you cheated, or been cheated on, just because you/they could? Is it possible to feel genuine, deep, love, in a loving relationship, but still take an opportunity when it’s presented to you? Is recovery afterwards possible?

There were zero signs, and if you’d asked me I would have said we were in the best place we’ve ever been.

But isn’t that the same for women ‘wanting’ to be impregnated’? Because that’s what females of all species are programmed to do. Its a weak argument bc in the 1000s of years of evolution we developed willpower.

By that rationale the same space in our brains is occupied by the desire to steal and kill anyone or thing that we perceive as a threat or obstacle, or even an annoyance.

Should the lawyers be using this argument in the defence of thieves/murderers/rapists/paedophiles..?

Is it possible to feel genuine, deep, love, in a loving relationship, but still take an opportunity when it’s presented to you?

I don't believe it is, no. It should hurt him to hurt you, if his love is genuine and deep. To devastate you just because he can? No way is that love in my book.

Is recovery afterwards possible?

If you mean will it ever be the same, it won't. The trust will never fully return. The hurt will always be there to some degree. Do people go on with the relationship? Yes they do. Often they are cheated on again. Once you've done it, it becomes much easier to do it again. Moreover, the one you discover is not necessarily the only one ever. Affairs are kind of like cockroaches. For any one you've seen, it's reasonable to assume there are others you haven't seen. A cheater is by definition a liar. Don't assume you know everything.

Only you know what you are willing to overlook for the sake of staying together and if you can ever trust him again.

Well, there's your proof that he lacks genuine remorse.
How dare he scoff when you are in such pain.
Bin him. He'll do it again.

I honestly don’t know how you’d fully trust that he wouldn’t do it again. I’ve been cheated on & sometimes I find trust hard even when it’s with a different partner who hasn’t cheated on me.

I am reconciled and have been for years and this is just my take on it all. I was I thought happily married when the affair happened and count myself as happily married again. I have read your posts but not others.

Firstly, please be careful with wanting a reason/excuse that you can ‘fix’. This is about trying to control his actions and prevent another affair in the future. The ‘if I pay him more attention’ he won’t do this to me again is of course nonsense. To be absolutely honest his reasons seem plausible to me. Hurtful and unsafe but plausible. At the route of that reason is deep seated selfishness and entitlement and it is that that he needs to address. FWIW my husband had a ‘soulmate’ kind of affair, he was addicted to the highs and convinced they were star crossed lovers, until they absolutely weren’t and he came crashing down. The truth is that was just all cognitive dissonance for the same problem. He fancied her, and he felt he had a right to his fun. Selfishness and entitlement.

It’s this deep rooted selfishness and entitlement that is at the heart of most affairs, on both the cheat and affair partners side. From the cheat’s perspective it makes them a very unsafe partner moving forward because until they address that properly they will always seek to fill any holes in themselves externally. They need to learn that they are fully responsible for their own happiness and that includes being grateful for everything they have. Most cheats can not be bothered to do any work to strip back the layers. Most try to rugsweep, then you have the ones who blame the partner (not attentive, not enough sex etc etc) both these types remain unsafe. I have followed so many reconciliation stories and the ones who have a better chance are the ones who address these deep rooted flaws.

Do I believe it’s possible to think you love someone and have an affair, yes. Do I think that the love they believe they feel is born from empathy, compassion, grace, acceptance, respect, no.

Tbh I think that love looks different to different people and that’s the whole problem. Cheats struggle to understand what love is, that it is a verb not a noun. It’s action based.

Do people make it? Yes they do. But it is a path full of risks and full of work. We have rebuilt trust but he has also made some concessions of his choosing to support me in this, which are still in place today years later. I don’t think of his affair anymore as anything other than an event in our lives together. I’ve accepted it happened, we worked through and are out the other side but I will not forgive him. He did something unforgivable, he understands that and does not ask for my forgiveness. Acceptance is enough.

As for me, the affair changed me in profound ways. I was always a romantic, I’m now very pragmatic and centre me and my children in my decision making. I have learnt I can’t control the actions of others I can only control my response so I don’t try to control him. I trust him but I trust myself more. He is knocked off the pedastal he was on, I see him really clearly now and I love him flaws and all but I’m less tolerant in a good way.

I do wish the affair hadn’t happened and we had gone into old age with a love story fit for a fairy tale but we didn’t. We had to weather a serious storm and I adapted and changed because I knew ultimately that being with him (as a remorseful cheat) was a better choice for me at that time than being without and I am happy with that.

I hope this helps your thinking a little, my advice would be to get on surviving infidelity. I did at the time and the advice there is amazing. Their reconciliation pages talk of the dilemmas you’re having all the time.

Good luck moving forward, just remember to always centre what works for you moving forward, whatever that might be.

I think it definitely hinges on your feelings about infidelity and on his actions to make amends & make changes.
My ex didn't do nearly enough to address why he had cheated & to make me feel secure in our relationship. He wasn't prepared to do the work.
If you feel that you will at some point be able to accept what he has done (and only you can & should decide this) then you also need to think long & hard about what you need from him now. And then explain this to him very clearly. If he doesn't accept your "terms" or looks like he won't put in the considerable effort needed you have your answer.

Men are so different. That fact is inconvenient to us and our modern social constructs though, so we do mental gymnastics to convince ourselves otherwise.

I believe most men are like this, (unfaithful if the oppty arises, even when they are perfectly happy with their primary relationship) and that thousands of years of evolution isn't enough yet to have it otherwise.

They just don't think or work in the same way.

Hmmm, I don't think we should excuse cheating behaviour so easily.
Sounds a bit "oh well, they can't help it".
When actually they can. It's 2024 not 1954.

So he ‘doesn’t feel anything for her’? I don’t buy that, @MustyDooDah.

OW was very significant to him, so much so that pursuing a thrilling adventure with her was worth more than his vows and your trust, love, consent, and emotional/sexual health.

Their mutual attraction and validation clearly came first, so he was willing to humiliate you and steal your agency. He made hundreds of choices along the way to fool you as they began and escalated their infidelity. When he was with you, he would have been thinking of her.

You say he was devastated by the discovery and exposure. You, OW’s H, and others now know that he is ‘that guy’ who was okay with cheating. It’s telling that being rumbled and exposed as an adulterer and cuckolder has shaken him, yet he didn’t feel an ounce of guilt when he was betraying you, basking in OW’s adoration, and enjoying her body. Their ‘fun’ would still be going on had her H not been suspicious.

@MustyDooDah, it would be end for me due to my shattered heart and plummeting trust and respect. I wouldn’t bargain away my peace of mind to stay with a man who abused me and trashed our happy marriage ‘because he could’.

Nonsense.

And what the fuck is oppty? No more dumbing down of our language thanks.

Speaking as a bloke, yes, I think it is that simple. In fact, I'll go further and say in the majority of married men's affairs it is the primary reason.

This I think is one of the reasons why people self-police and withdraw quickly from potential danger.

I think a lot of reading he’s doing and some of the individual counselling he’s had is around this. Historically, he’s had a naturally flirty personality. Potential consequences didn’t previously occur to him.

So he's saying he risked your marriage, betrayed you, and turned your world upside down for nothing.

He's tried to explain, I think, that risk didn’t come into it. It didn’t occur to him there was a risk. That he would ever be discovered. That there would ever be consequences.

who booked the couples counselling? And is he having his own counselling?

He did (at my request), has had some of his own, and watches a lot of online videos from counselling/therapy groups.

I think it’s absolutely possible that someone could, and would, cheat just because they can… but I don’t believe there can be a genuine, deep love for their primary partner at the same time, not in a true sense anyway. There was no regard for your feelings or emotions and for me, that’s a pretty fundamental aspect of a good relationship and of love in general. When you love someone, you want the best for them. It’s baffling to me that he’s basically said he didn’t even consider there was a risk… that there was no part of his brain that was concerned for the absolute devastation this would cause you and your marriage. Not sure I’d ever be able to move past that, actually.

@Susieb2023 Do I believe it’s possible to think you love someone and have an affair, yes. Do I think that the love they believe they feel is born from empathy, compassion, grace, acceptance, respect, no.

what on earth is your definition of ‘love’ then?

bizarre.

OMG, it is EXACTLY what happened to me. If you would like to talk in person, please mail me. yvette.mitchell77 @ gmail.com
I have been on this shit "journey" for a year now. I would love to share where I am now, and how it was for me, and what to expect, and what you will never get.

I am sure it is possible to love someone and want to sleep with someone else. Very common, in fact. But it's the deceit and lack of concern for betraying his wife, that is totally wrong. He could have asked for an open relationship, but didn't because he knew what the answer would be or preferred the excitement of being secretive. It's complete lack of respect. How can you love someone but not respect them?

See I think that's naive. It's the same with anything, people would do things of they thought they would get away with it

I think it's probably a more common reason than we realise for people having affairs.

However it's also perhaps the WORST reason in terms of it being a pointless breach of trust, and I think it goes fundamentally to who he is as a person deep down. Because you see it now, don't you? He's shown himself to be an opportunistic greedy man with the arrogance to think he could "have some fun" and all would be coolio.
I'm sure he's very contrite, they are these types, when they're caught.
How are you really feeling OP? Don't feel you have to stay in the marriage because he wants to (whether that is true or not.)
You fell in love with and married one man and your husband has revealed himself to be a totally different person from the one you married. I would find this type of man so pathetic and deeply unattractive that my libido would curl up and die forever, as far as he is concerned, and he could buy as many books as he bloody well likes, but nothing would make me find him attractive or appealing ever again.
What a wasteful idiot.
I hope whatever you decide OP brings you peace and love.

I don’t think that applies to most men. Some men yes, “most”…no.

The fact that it is offered to you on a plate does not mean you automatically must take it. He made a choice between honouring his promise to you and taking advantage of what was on offer. Since he wants to continue in his relationship with you, he made the wrong choice. I would now be worried about two things. Namely, will he make the wrong choice again in the future and, is he so stupid that he cannot reason through the potential consequences of his poor choices. He thought he'd never get caught? That really is the statement of an incredibly stupid and selfish person.

'Just because I could' is psychopathic in its lack of empathy.

I couldn't stay with a man who thought like that, whatever display he is putting in for now.

I have left a cheating husband. Best thing I ever did.

'Because they can'?

We 'can' all make all sorts of choices. We 'can' do all sorts of things. Whether we 'do' or not is down to the will. I do think of these sort of men as extremely weak and pathetic individuals. Not honourable, not courageous. There's nothing more unsexy than a weak-willed man who would shag anything he could 'because he can'.

Yes, I absolutely knew women who had affairs because the opportunity arose. In one case, I actually think it saved her marriage.

I believe him, it was pure opportunism. He hurt and betrayed you because him getting his end away was more important. You weren’t supposed to find out, you finding out is the source of your pain not his acts of repeated betrayal. He sounds very much like those men who thinks what she doesn’t know, won’t hurt her. Next time he will have to do better at not being caught.

Devastated my arse, devastated he got caught and will have to act contrite for a period of time must. If the roles were reversed, your behaviour would have been held to a higher standard. Him separating sex from emotion is supposed to comfort you.

There’s nothing in your posts that suggest he genuinely gets what he did to you or more importantly, cares. He’s quickly looking around for the thing that will shut you up the fastest: tears, counselling etc. His lip service to your pain and disappointment will have a very short shelf life and you’ll be surprised how quickly his supposed ‘devastation’, will flip to an expectation/ entitlement of you just getting over it.

I’m sorry this happened to you but he was always this person, you’ve just only found that out that he is.

@SandyY2K while there may not have been a problem, do you think he could still have loved me?

I guess you may see people at a moment of crisis, rather than seeing the long term outcomes, but do you think couples you work with successfully recover?