Affair - “Just because I could” - is it ever that simple?

[MustyDooDah]

Some months ago, my DH’s fairly short affair was discovered (by the OW’s husband).

It was on and off texting, and a few meet ups extending to kissing and at least one sexual encounter. Shortly after the sexual encounter, her DH twigged something was wrong, checked her phone, hey presto.

My DH was devastated at the discovery and the exposure. An absolutely broken man who pleaded for a chance to make amends and he has honestly worked tirelessly (couples counselling, purchased multiple books, changed lots of behaviours, massively attentive to me, a personality transplant) to save our relationship. Willing to do anything if I don’t leave him.

I’m still struggling with a few things, including the reason/why it happened.

He is insistent that there was and is absolutely nothing wrong or missing in our relationship. That he loves me as much as he ever did and is furious with himself that he didn’t “appreciate me” enough. He says he did what he did “because he could”. The opportunity was there (it was discussed, apparently, that both he and OW were happy in their relationships, didn’t want to leave their spouses, but fancied each other and wanted a bit of fun) and he decided to just see how far he could push it. Assuming that I’d never, ever find out. And with no intention of leaving me/wanting anything else/doesnt feel anything for her/wants to be with me forever.

So, talk to me. Is this actually a thing? Have you cheated, or been cheated on, just because you/they could? Is it possible to feel genuine, deep, love, in a loving relationship, but still take an opportunity when it’s presented to you? Is recovery afterwards possible?

There were zero signs, and if you’d asked me I would have said we were in the best place we’ve ever been.

Ah op, on one hand I think he's been very honest and it's probably demonstrative of a decent level of accountability ... but equally that is brutal and in not sure I could move past that just because of how utterly selfish and pre-meditated that is. You may decide you are able to- it's a very personal decision, but I think I'd struggle knowing he was so willing to jeopardise your marriage that was happy and fulfilling just for shits and giggles. I think I'd really struggle to move on knowing he's got it in him to go rogue and fly as close to the sun as he can. I feel like it might encourage him to repeat that behaviour in future if he sees that he's "got away with it" if you forgive him.

Really difficult op and I'm so sorry he's put you in this position. My stbxh did the same and I found out and he was also very devastated, took full responsibility for his actions, we did counselling and all the works and i thought we were moving past it but it turned out he'd also been doing the same with lots of other things I had no idea about that he never disclosed in counselling and I found out a year later about and then i was done. So I'd be doing some digging incase he's been pushing other things as far as he can. You only have a chance if you know everything and his nature is to lie.

Esther Perez says the reasons we cheat are because we are fickle, we are greeedy, and we are curious. I think there's a lot in that

I would also add because we underestimate our chances of getting caught

I don't think how much you love another person or how happy you are comes into it if all the other factors are present and you don't think you'll ever get caught

I agree that some people will cheat no matter how happy their main relationship and your DH may be one of those people.

Variety is not a good reason. I mean - variety is what we agree to forego when we agree to be monogamous. So really he’s just saying he doesn’t want the constraints of monogamy.

In an LTR, many of us experience attraction to other people occasionally and it may often be mutual. That’s not a reason to act on the attraction.

That’s not to say you can’t get beyond this. I think relationships can recover from infidelity. But craving variety isn’t a justification.

That’s tough Op. I agree with previous PP, and recommend reading Mating in Captivity if you haven’t already.

What strikes me is that he comes across through your posts as (ironically) quite honest / straightforward - he had sex with someone because he could, and didn’t think he’d get caught. He didn’t set out to hurt you, he just thought with his dick - and so the driver being ‘variety’ tracks and I’d believe him.

The problem is, variety isn’t compatible with monogomy. I’d be doing some thinking about your view of non-monogamous / open relationships as I could see this being the next step for him if he still craves variety - be very clear what your boundaries are and what you are or are not prepared to explore and engage with. You sound like a smart lady who won’t be coerced.

No I don't think it's ever that straightforward. Firstly there is some lack of respect in the relationship for him to think that it's ok because he could. So I think there is more he is not telling you. People don't cheat when they are happy in their relationship as far as I am aware.

And they realise they're set to lose 50% of everything in the divorce.

Wankers.

Honestly…why are you pampering him and walking around him on eggshells waiting for him to figure out what he wants through psychotherapy? Who is he? Why do you value him higher than yourself? Why do you drop to the level of making yourself and option and stay there waiting for the w@nker to make a decision? I think you should get some therapy yourself to understand your low self-esteem and work on your codependency. You have a huge issue. Come on. Self respect. How can you withstand being second choice while he is looking for “variety”. The next step is that he asks for an open relationship. Not because he loves you and just wants “variety”. Because he doesn’t want to lose money and the maid/nanny/mum/psychotherapist/cleaner/financial contributor. Wake up. He doesn’t love you. He only loves himself.

He doesn’t respect you or value what you give him. I’d let him be free to sample all the variety he wants by divorcing him.

Don’t sit around waiting for him to be a better man. He’s not.

The classic "iT DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING"

Why do it then!!!!

Very selfish, thoughtless behaviour - incredibly shallow all round.

I don’t want to be married to someone like that, and I can’t see how I would ever get past the loss of trust. A close friend of mine said that was what ended her marriage - he said similar, it meant nothing etc - but there was no trust anymore.

The aftermath stage you are in, is hard. Your trust has been broken and it’s hard on top of that to hear about the “why” he did it - that no matter what he says, it’s all things no one wants to hear but have to, to have chance of reconciliation and relationship repair. I hope the trip to Spain was helpful, and helped give you space to begin to process what has happened and how you feel. I want to give you some hope - a good friend has been with her partner for a decade. A year after they met, he was all over the shop and kissed an ex. They broke up. He did the work - he had intensive therapy and had a breakthrough and I’m not joking, completely turned his life around and was able to demonstrate to my friend this. After a few months they got back togther, moved in togther and have a child now. This I know is rare. They continually do the “work” a on themselves, with therapists and coaches. It’s quite intense but works for them. Another thought too. I have had experience of knowing a few men, when I was single, who each opened up and I actively encouraged them to feel safe to share their deepest desires - more often than not, it really was about who they were, it was mainly psychological. Considering he had an affair and is talking about “variety”, (and this next bit really depends on what you want to do with him, if you do want to explore staying with him), there is something he is sharing possibly, about what is going on inside of him, what is essential to him for him to be him. what his desires mean to him, what those desires are: the word variety seems in this context linked to desire. However. He had broken your trust and whatever his desires are, his job is to communicate to you he is trustworthy in ways that are meaningful to you and him, and for him to realize and accept that he is doing this work at risk - that you may want to leave or walk away as his actions may not be repairable for you. Good luck and I hope things work out in ways that are best for you.

Some PP have said it can be in our genes/nature to cheat - that may be so, but I think it's about overcoming our evolutionary programming and deciding "I'm going to be something more", "I'm going to overcome my baser instincts."
And it's about fairness. Cheaters know that they are not being fair. They're not allowing their partner the same 'benefit', they're not being honest.
They are - CHEATING 'the system'. And I don't believe they wouldn't also feel jealousy and hurt if the shoe were on the other foot (as some may claim). They wouldn't want their partner going behind their back either. And I'd be surprised if those in open relationships can continue to operate in them on a long term basis. I believe at some point jealousy would come into play and that we are programmed on some level to have a 'primary' partner. I don't see how open relationships can work long term, logistically/logically. But I admit I can't speak from first hand experience on that front.

In terms of cheating - and not doing it solely because you wouldn't want to get caught/hurt the other person IF it was found out - whatever happened to the golden rule: "do unto others as you would have them do unto you?". (You don't have to be religious to follow that.) It's about a person wanting to follow an internal code of right and wrong, even if no one else ever knows whether you followed it or not. It is about moral strength and character. And who really knows how many people have that? So a decision has to be made by the partner that was cheated on of: "Do I think I may find another person who will have this integrity, that I can share my life with ?' or should I just keep what I have now and it will be enough?

I also think cheaters need to be confronted and challenged to move forwards towards developing a better moral compass. In an ideal world, they will take up therapy and really demonstrate they are attempting to do this (if they want to stay with their current partner). Otherwise they should be left. But I understand the partner cheated on needs to carefully weigh up the pros and cons in their particular life situation and decide which decision will ultimately bring them the most peace and happiness. Sympathy for those affected x

I’m feeling like noting down a little update. Mostly because I’m just sitting staring at my kitchen table.

Not a good day today. He’s back from a few days away and has done nothing but moan. The house is dirty. There’s too much clutter. The landscaping has weeds in it. The cat smells.

That’s not fair, he has also been cuddly and affection, but I’ve ended up snapping at the moaning. Then I burnt some baking and I can’t stop crying/staring into space. It’s been about 3 hours.

These events are rare these days. A combination of time, sertraline and a really good CBT therapist. Couples therapy was not the panacea I hoped it was going to be, though.

Is it raining where you are, bloody miserable isn't it.

When the weather improves, get your glad rags on and go and shag someone else, just because you can.

He doesn't deserve you.

Oh op, I have absolutely been where you are. It’s shit. Beyond shit. Awful, painful, destructive, vile. I would never wish it on anyone.
On one hand, I think it’s still very early days for you. You are less than 2 years in I think? I was RAGING for about 3 years. At one point, I gave him a black eye. I am not proud of that and it’s so far away from who I am as a person, it shows just how destructive infidelity is. Therapy, time and the sheer work he has done has quelled that rage.
On the other hand I think your DH can fuck right off! He has been away for a few days has he? How nice for him. How did you feel about that?
At this point, he has no room or right to complain, about anything. He deals with his issues and he does whatever he can to help you heal. The end.
This may be a “blip”. Fundamentally, he’s selfish and it’s difficult to change that. Or, it may be that he’s just not a good person to give a second chance to. Only you can know which he really is. Sending lots of love and support. Whatever happens, you WILL thrive x

Do you trust him?

Please get rid , ivr tried to get over infidelity, its just too painful. 3 years for me and I can't forget
Don't waste your life

OP - I came to say something about the original post, but just realised that you are a year on from the discovery. So - it doesn't really matter if people do it "just because they can". Of course they do - and research often shows that majority of people would cheat if they were 100% sure that their long term partner will not find out. Sexual cheating is not about love most of the time, it is about newness of physical experience which people crave.

However, the reason he acted on the opportunity that doesn't really matter at this point. What matters is how you two are re-building your relationship and what it looks like now. At 1 year in you are still in the early phase of recovery.
People do recover from affairs - and far more people stay together than separate. Some - rebuild and have a different but strong relationship. Others just bobble avoiding the painful memories - because separating is hard, because they have kids, etc.

I don't know if you saw anything by Ester Perel. I find her years of experience counselling couples in your situation quite interesting and refreshing as life is messy and complicated.

You are miserable OP and he is breaking you. It is so very sad. Please for your own peace of mind get away from this man. You sound like a shell of the person who first posted so long ago. It is not getting better. He has had his fun with no repercussions. He seems to have rationalized it all away. You are giving your life to someone who does not deserve you. Please leave and find you again. This is damaging you so much.

I think you need to listen to what he is telling you. Monogamy is not important to him. He didn’t feel guilt about being intimate with someone else. He wouldn’t have cared too much if you did the same. He doesn’t want to lose his primary relationship with you but if he had his way he would like variety which includes other women and sexual experiences.

He has promised you the world to get you to stay with him despite the hurt he has caused you. But it will be a constant battle for him because he is not being faithful for himself. He doesn’t actually see much wrong with what he did other than you could leave him over it. He’s being faithful because you demand it of him because monogamy is important to you, not him.

I would be concerned that with his need for validation and ego strokes he will find it hard to be knocked down from his pedestal while you navigate his betrayal. It’s easier to start finding fault with you than accept that his actions have done deep damage and it isn’t something you can overcome in weeks and months — if ever. Is he committed to rebuilding however long that takes or will he start to change up the narrative so that you are the problem? It’s not only a question of whether the betrayed can forgive but also whether the betrayer can be happy in a relationship where they are no longer adored or loved in the way they were prior to the affair as their partner’s perception of them has fundamentally changed.

So ultimately can you be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t value monogamy and is only faithful if there are consequences for infidelity? Can you and your DH find peace with the fact your relationship has fundamentally changed and you may never think of him the same way?

They quite often cheat multiple times, his excuse is so casual because he could, it may not of been the first or last, getting caught once won’t stop him, if the opportunity arises again or one of them starts contact again, he’s not the type to take himself away from temptation.

I cheated on my first husband (I was very young at the time, 23) and it was for the same reasons - I was flattered, loved the attention and the ego boost.

However - and I'm sorry to be so bleak - I also realised that I didn't actually love my husband when I did it and didn't care about his feelings. I wasn't caught, and I was the one that ultimately ended the marriage 2 years later.

Your husband was caught. He's 'devastated' because he was caught, that's all.

With respect, that is you and your reasons, people who have affairs are not a homogeneous group. Some people absolutely have affairs because they aren’t happy in the relationship. Others do it because they aren’t happy with themselves. Some relationships that start as affairs thrive and are long lasting. Some crash and burn early. It’s not a one size fits all situation.

OP if you stay, stay because it works for you: financially, socially, children, etc. Does this marriage work for you APART from love and trust? Trust will never 100% return. Once bitten, twice shy. Unless you really NEED this man in your life for reasons other than love and marriage vows, spread your wings and go. The old marriage is gone (thanks to a husband who risked his marriage for something that didn’t even matter to him). He’s done some work. But you’re in for the long haul emotionally. And it’s exhausting. And the triggers and cycling through emotion is exhausting: anger, disbelief, confusion, rage, disdain for his weakness, and on and on. It’s a long long haul, and it can take decades to navigate. And in the back of your mind, you know he could do it again. Make the future work for YOU - whether that means staying or going.

My heart goes out to you, @MustyDooDah. You are of course still suffering the deep trauma that your H inflicted, which is not surprising. Recovery from infidelity can take 2-5 years, but for many the damage is too devastating for authentic recovery, and ending the relationship is necessary to heal and become whole again.

I commented back on page 4 and I stand by everything I wrote. Whatever H’s ‘why’s’ were — Because I could … I wanted variety … I didn’t appreciate you — he chose to perpetrate this great betrayal. Presented with an easy opportunity to enjoy a new woman’s attention and body, he duped you, robbed your agency, had sex with you without your true consent, and jeopardized your health. Wronging you did not phase him.

If OW’s husband had not rumbled them, H’s seamless double life (featuring no guilt or remorse) would have continued indefinitely. He was happy to play fast and loose with your heart and shit on your trust. He was so careful with his sly subterfuge and assumed that OW was also, so he must have been dumbfounded and livid that she had left evidence which shattered his good-guy image and revealed his true non-monogamous colors.

@MustyDooDah, I assume that you are in therapy and taking Sertraline to help you cope with H’s cavalier adultery/abuse and the aftermath. You sound so sad, depleted and diminished. Do you actually feel safe with this man who doesn’t value fidelity and who secretly brought another woman into your marriage for fun & variety because he could? Do you have any peace of mind when he is away, and do you feel small and unappreciated when he returns and is critical?

You can change your mind about staying.