My husband is upset because I am trying to avoid his family.

[nadia11]

Me and my husband have been married for 2 years. I was not born in the UK but I lived here for a long time. I'm from tahiti. When me and my husband got married, at first my in laws wasn't very nice. We dated for only 9 months before getting married. They always questioned my motive for marrying him because I'm not a British so they thought that I was marrying him just to get permanent residency. My husband have been married to an immigrant previously and his ex betrayed him and left him as soon as she got her UK permanent residency permit. that's what they told me and because of that, they are very suspicious of me despite that I showed them my UK passport and telling them that I'm independent and trying to convince them that I'm not marrying him for malicious reasons. And they use to ask me about my personal life. If I have family in my home country and I tell them that I do not wish to talk about my personal life and I told them to not ask personal questions. That's why I'm even careful to not talk about my personal life to my husband because what if he talks about me to his fam behind my back ? They are not invasive anymore and they sort of trying to get along with me but I still avoid them as much as possible. I have been declining birthday invites, dinner invites, and one of my husband's brothers is getting married soon and I'm considering not going to the wedding and I told my husband that. He tells me that I should make more of an effort with them because they don't think bad about me anymore and they are trying to make amends but I don't feel comfortable with them. I would rather spend time with my own family then spend time with people who I don't feel at home with.

My husband is upset that I avoid his family and that I should forgive them because they are trying to make amends. How do I get him to respect my wish to not have a relationship with them ? I don't care about them and don't want to see them. I have 0 interest in having any relationship with them. I blocked everyone of them. Even his 4 sisters and 2 brothers.

Blocking them is really aggressive.

Why don’t you want to talk about your own family?

OP I understand why they've upset you but I think you've taken it a bit far and it would be nice to accompany your husband to family events.

I am pretty private when It comes to my personal life. Plus about the blocking, it's in my nature to block people that are toxic.

I think you need to do some reframing here. You sound incredibly hostile, defensive and unable to recognise that people are not perfect, even you.

This relationship is doomed.

What's wrong with them asking you about your personal life? They're family, that's how people get to know each other. And not talking about your personal to your husband is ridiculous. What sort of basis is that for a marriage.

I can understand them initially being sceptical given his first marriage - they were just trying to protect him I assume. I also hope that once they saw you didn't need him to remain that they moved on from that.

You do sound aggressive though I'm afraid. Your marriage is almost certainly not going to last if you block them.

Maybe their concerns were right all along 🤷‍♀️

In what way are they toxic?

Is there a massive drip feed coming that makes you look somewhat reasonable?

Because you said that initially they were worried about their son and marrying someone from abroad, lots of parents might have that view, perhaps they expressed it badly, perhaps they were out of order. But they have explained that

Asking about your family is normal chit chat, its normal conversation, but you have told them you dont wish them to talk about that and they arent invasive anymore you said. So whats the problem. You said they try to get along with you so whats the problem?

How old are you?

I think given that your H had married someone from overseas before and she scarpered it wasn't unreasonable of them to be concerned, although they should have been polite and once they found out you were a UK citizen (presumably) then that should ahve been enough.
Asking about your family is pretty standard and not out of the ordinary but you seem to be behaving as if you ahve something to hide.
I am all for avoiding the in laws if there are arseholes (mine are) b ut unless there is a lot more you aren't telling us you seem over the top

Well they were shitty to me so...

Asking your daughter or sons partner these personal questions is kinda weird.

If you changed your attitude and approach, you might find that you can build a good relationship with them. They are possibly concerned about their son making similar mistakes in his second marriage and trying to protect him from making the same ones again - which I would guess is the reason for their question.
Try and be friendly and open. Take down your barriers and unblock them. You might find it becomes a much happier situation for you.

What sort of personal questions offended you so much?

I am afraid it is you that is coming across as the problem. Asking about your family and background is normal especially when someone new is joining the family. The fact you don't want to discuss it even with your husband will look like you have something to hide. May be try and get to know them and let them know you. I have read a few more of your replies and you are sounded really aggressive and are probably the toxic one.

It's not weird to ask about your family, unless there's more to their questions, it does seem like an extreme response, and purs your husband in a difficult position.

Do you work OP, do you have this attitude to your colleagues?

What do your friends think of how you see the in laws?

I think someone is going to be along soon with the inevitable suggestion

No it's not weird, it's how families get to know each other. I think your husband has made a second bad decision on a marriage partner because you sound a bit unhinged.

I do work. And my friends as well as most of my family members believes that my husbands family are a bunch of racists.

Ah the drip feed.

You’ll have to provide more details about their awful, toxic behaviour - because nothing you’ve said about them so far seems unreasonable or untoward at all

Not speaking to your husband about your “private life” for fear he’ll tell his family is a whole bunting load of red flags. Why the big secrecy?

This exactly! This is not conducive to having a family bond. Just being really separate, closed, no compromise, my way or the highway way. He may take a high way...

How exactly?

They had initial concerns because he already got scammed by someone overseas. They probably consider him quite naive and were very worried. You seem to have a really bad and selfish attitude. Most people marrying into a family want to show them that they have good intentions towards their loved one, even without the overseas situation. You don’t seem to care to do that, and in fact scorn them, so your marriage won’t last long because you have already decided you are at war with these people. I feel so bad for your poor husband, who by the sounds of it has done nothing wrong, being stuck in the middle of this.

Questions about family are entirely normal. To give absolutely nothing is shady. It could be that they had reasonable instincts about you not being a good fit for their son to begin with. Do you not care about his feelings then, as you sound a bit abusive and like your goal would be to isolate him from his family and have permanent bad blood with them.

You're being unreasonable.

I had unfavourable circumstances when I met my now DH. His mother grilled me on our first meeting. I understood and answered honestly, because if he had been my son, I'd have wanted to be sure he hadn't lost his mind.

You need to realise that your husband has been hurt before. The questions are for him, not because they don't like you.

Treating your husband poorly because of what he might share? Your marriage is doomed.

Is that because you’ve told your friends and family that your husband’s family is racist?

And you can talk to people about his family, but he can’t speak to his about yours?