My husband is upset because I am trying to avoid his family.

[nadia11]

Me and my husband have been married for 2 years. I was not born in the UK but I lived here for a long time. I'm from tahiti. When me and my husband got married, at first my in laws wasn't very nice. We dated for only 9 months before getting married. They always questioned my motive for marrying him because I'm not a British so they thought that I was marrying him just to get permanent residency. My husband have been married to an immigrant previously and his ex betrayed him and left him as soon as she got her UK permanent residency permit. that's what they told me and because of that, they are very suspicious of me despite that I showed them my UK passport and telling them that I'm independent and trying to convince them that I'm not marrying him for malicious reasons. And they use to ask me about my personal life. If I have family in my home country and I tell them that I do not wish to talk about my personal life and I told them to not ask personal questions. That's why I'm even careful to not talk about my personal life to my husband because what if he talks about me to his fam behind my back ? They are not invasive anymore and they sort of trying to get along with me but I still avoid them as much as possible. I have been declining birthday invites, dinner invites, and one of my husband's brothers is getting married soon and I'm considering not going to the wedding and I told my husband that. He tells me that I should make more of an effort with them because they don't think bad about me anymore and they are trying to make amends but I don't feel comfortable with them. I would rather spend time with my own family then spend time with people who I don't feel at home with.

My husband is upset that I avoid his family and that I should forgive them because they are trying to make amends. How do I get him to respect my wish to not have a relationship with them ? I don't care about them and don't want to see them. I have 0 interest in having any relationship with them. I blocked everyone of them. Even his 4 sisters and 2 brothers.

Not really, unless they wanted to know how often your parents had sex or something.
Basic "do you have siblings, do your parents work etc" are all fine

Well they already proved to me that they are judgemental and they thought I had Ill intent just cause my husband's ex did him dirty. I don't surround myself with toxic people. Once somebody shows me how toxic and judgemental they are the first time, I cut them out of my life.

My ex was from a very traditional Asian family. His mum only wanted to speak to me about cooking and cleaning to make sure her son was taken care of. She taught me to cook dishes. She never asked any personal questions at all, in fact I think she only saw me as someone to look after her son. When he was there she spoke to him in their native language, so I wasn’t really involved in the conversation. I still loved her and understood we were just different.

You can’t forgive them, can’t forget, what can you do? You don’t like them either.

but they are your husbands family.

and it might affect your relationship with him.

you can’t expect to become a ghost in the family (him alone at all events and gatherings) and your relationship not breaking apart eventually

so here you are

you know very well you don’t want to see them but, but…

you have to go now and then. Not to all gatherings. But stuff like weddings, a birthday dinner or religious holidays. Big things like that.

dont go there thinking you have to like them or build a relationship, you are showing up purely for your own self interest, to keep your relationship.

have an array of neutral things you can discuss. the British love talking about weather, so that’s an hour gone (joking). Take the lead of your husband, let him talk to his relatives and you contribute something now and then, preferably nothing that invites a follow up.

dont talk politics or religion unless you have the same

if you are at a wedding, enjoy the food, talk to strangers as well, take a walk a month the flowers, you get it, keep yourself busy.

it’s normal to ask about the sons or daughter in law”s family, but it might not be for you. You don’t have to explain anything about your family either. It’s good they've backed down, it means you can show up and your wishes respected.

people here in this forum will keep telling you to forgive, build a relationship with your in-laws, but if you don’t even like them, how would you? Forget having a relationship, just be acquainted and show up now and then. For you and him, not them.

And yet you still don't seem to be able to give examples of their racism and toxic behaviour

What have they done said that is racist? If they are then I can understand you not wanting to be around them. If them asking you about yourself and trying to make sure you are not using their son like their previous daughter in law. I can't see how that is racist. Letting them get to know you and seeing your relationship with their son will relieve their fear. You hiding info about yourself even from your husband and refusing to see them makes you a walking red flag.

They sound perfectly reasonable to be worried.

You sound like you've been on this site far too much and you are incredibly toxic.

But 'boundaries' 'no is a complete sentence' blah blah blah

The divorce courts welcome you.

Do you love your husband? If so, grow up and make an effort with the in-laws. If not, leave him and the in-laws problem is sorted!

The whole 'I block toxic people' is so childish. The world doesn't work that way, and you are putting your husband in a terrible position. Try being empathetic and seeing that they obviously made a mistake because of how much they love your husband, and how they are now making an effort.

I am not trying to isolate him from his family. If he wants to stay in contact with his family, he can. He can visit them whenever he wants. As long as I am not around them, it's all fine.

As you said - so I’ll repeat, we need more details in order to assess whether your claims are justified or not.

Your relationship is doomed.

There isn't much more to add to this.

I don't think your marriage will last with your attitude. What kind of marriage is it when you don't talk with your husband about private things? In the beginning all it would have needed was for you or your DH to say you to his family that you are not his ex wife so how she acted shouldn't be hold against you and you could have build a decent if not good relationship. If you continue behaving like you do you will end up alone.

It will inevitably isolate him from them, and he will have to explain every time he turns up without you. What about when you have children, do you plan to bring them into this mess?

So, you have not come on here to find a solution. What exactly do you want from this thread?

@nadia11 people here don’t get you. I can imagine a past that might explain everything you say here, your need for privacy, your attitude etc

read my post above - hope it helps

btw I’m an immigrant too, married an Englishman

I was about to ask the exact same question. You're really not coming across well here OP, it seems his parents were right to be wary of you.

Could it be a cultural issue? In the UK it is completely normal for parents to ask questions about their child's partner's family and background. It's not seen as rude at all (in fact, it would be more common to find future in-laws rude if they didn't ask questions in order to get to know you).

My in-laws ask how my parents/siblings are doing every time I see them. I see that as really welcoming, like they care enough about me to be interested in the people I love.

It would be seen as rude through a British cultural lens to bluntly say that you don't want to tell them about your family. Usually, if there was a reason that this would be upsetting, your partner would have a quiet word before you met them to warn them not to ask these sorts of questions.

If it is a cultural difference and people don't ask about family in your home country, your DH needs to sensitively explain this.

If they are being racist that is obviously different, but without examples it's difficult to comment.

It is very normal question to ask about your family and life. It's just showing an interest and I don't understand why that is toxic. If it is I'm afraid I am a toxic in law too. Although I get on very well with both my Daughter in law and my son in law.
Have they been hostile to you or unfriendly in another way? If not it seems a very extreme reaction and I can understand your why your husband is upset.

You sound like an inflexible pain in the arse. I’m not surprised they don’t like you

Stand your ground. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If they wanted to be part of the family, they should have been kinder to you from the get go. Your husband will have to suck it up.

Well I don't like them either. I don't give an ounce of shit about them.

You only dated for 9 months before marrying. I would be sceptical too. It's very normal for in laws to ask you about your family and home country etc. I would be suspicious if my brother's new wife didn't want to talk to me and kept rejecting invites to family events. I would think you're very antisocial and worry about my brother.

I dont know many cultures around the world where it isnt the norm to ask someone about their famiy, their job, their health. Some cultures are way way more nosy than the UK, we are very restrained. In other countries, they'll ask what you weigh, when are you going to have children, why havent you had children, what do your parents think of this...

He needs to leave you before you have children.