My husband is upset because I am trying to avoid his family.

[nadia11]

Me and my husband have been married for 2 years. I was not born in the UK but I lived here for a long time. I'm from tahiti. When me and my husband got married, at first my in laws wasn't very nice. We dated for only 9 months before getting married. They always questioned my motive for marrying him because I'm not a British so they thought that I was marrying him just to get permanent residency. My husband have been married to an immigrant previously and his ex betrayed him and left him as soon as she got her UK permanent residency permit. that's what they told me and because of that, they are very suspicious of me despite that I showed them my UK passport and telling them that I'm independent and trying to convince them that I'm not marrying him for malicious reasons. And they use to ask me about my personal life. If I have family in my home country and I tell them that I do not wish to talk about my personal life and I told them to not ask personal questions. That's why I'm even careful to not talk about my personal life to my husband because what if he talks about me to his fam behind my back ? They are not invasive anymore and they sort of trying to get along with me but I still avoid them as much as possible. I have been declining birthday invites, dinner invites, and one of my husband's brothers is getting married soon and I'm considering not going to the wedding and I told my husband that. He tells me that I should make more of an effort with them because they don't think bad about me anymore and they are trying to make amends but I don't feel comfortable with them. I would rather spend time with my own family then spend time with people who I don't feel at home with.

My husband is upset that I avoid his family and that I should forgive them because they are trying to make amends. How do I get him to respect my wish to not have a relationship with them ? I don't care about them and don't want to see them. I have 0 interest in having any relationship with them. I blocked everyone of them. Even his 4 sisters and 2 brothers.

Don't you care in the least that your husband is upset about this situation? Why be so inflexible about giving his family a second chance? They can't all be that terrible if they have produced the person that you love.

(I must know if any other people pleasers are reading this thread and now thinks OP is low key a bit of a hero 😂)

@nadia11 how can you possibly expect to feel at home with them or like them when you have blocked them and refuse to speak to them or even go the same places where they are.

You are driving your poor DH away and absolutely proving his parents were 100% right in being concerned at your relationship.

Think it's last chance saloon here-they are still (inexplicibly) reaching out-now it is your chance to put the past behind you and fix things.
Otherwise the whole thing is doomed.
Do you care?

This is a really strange thread from you OP and also the responses you give. Unsure what you expected to receive as a result of posting this?

I think that would be a "no", Mrs Mitford.

I think the words "shiny shit" were used upthread. By OP, referring to her husband's family.

I'm not a people pleaser in the slightest, but I can't see at all how OP could be a hero.

Going through life which such rigid "one strike and you're out" rules must be awful and obviously isn't making her happy. Holding onto resentment and bitterness must be very draining.

I can appreciate maybe previous events have caused her to put up walls, but in order to have a long term successful marriage, she surely needs to be able to trust her husband? Not feeling like she can talk about her "personal life" with her husband must be very isolating and strengthening her existing walls. It's a vicious circle she needs to pull herself out of imo.

It's not so much you're trying to avoid his family, @nadia11 - you're succeeding.

So your DH is unhappy because you are very open about your loathing of them, and their apparent racism, toxicity and having their beaks in your business.

Does he agree that you've been badly treated? Does he agree you have a point?

He has a history of this and then married you after only nine months...

My MIL has said and done some pretty awful things to me. I won't forgive or forget these things but our relationship is very much at an arms lenght. I maintain a civil relationship with her and the rest of his family for my husbands sake. So I attend events but won't say or engage much.

For what it's worth DH agrees that she has been awful so it makes it easier. I can tell she regrets the way she was from her actions now. I am a firm believer of best predictor of future behaviour is what a person has done in the past. So lots of surface chat and not much engagement.

Have you got kids together op? Planning a family?

If you were only dating for 9 months before you got married then yes, you have to prove you aren't like the last one. That's just common sense.

You should have been trying harder to build trust, blocking them only looks even more suspicious.

Your poor DH is caught in the middle of all this, even though you don't care about them you presumably care about him.

My husband have been married to an immigrant previously and his ex betrayed him and left him as soon as she got her UK permanent residency permit. that's what they told me and because of that, they are very suspicious of me despite that I showed them my UK passport

Tbh your husband should have told them all of this.

There was no need for them to be getting involved to the point of you showing them your passport.

I get why they were worried but they seem to have handled it very badly.

The DH here is coming across as a bit of an eejit.

How did you meet?

Have any of your friends/family met your in-laws? If they haven't then they are only going off your narrative which is biased

Still no clarity on the nature of these awful invasive personal questions.

Sounds like his family were entirely justified in being worried.

Keep avoiding them, hopefully your husband will figure out that you are no good before you are tied together by any children.

The OP will have this deleted as it didn't go her way.

If you were only dating for 9 months before you got married then yes, you have to prove you aren't like the last one. That's just common sense.

Perhaps prove to the man she was marrying who could then reassure his family.

But also, he's an adult-there comes a time when you can advise caution & that's it.

They sound awful to me.

No its not and to think it is, is extremely weird!

You have to understand why they were so suspicious in the start. You sound like a very bitter and selfish person and no-one will want to be married to someone like that for much longer.

Sorry but you sound pretty unreasonable if I’m honest. Of course they will be protective of your DH if he has been mistreated before. You refusing to answer any questions about your family is going to come across as weird and now you want to block them and cut them out of your life. Imagine how that makes your DH feel? Can you really not go along, answer the questions in a vague and superficial manner without revealing too much detail and just be polite?

i mean you can do what you’re doing now but don’t expect the marriage to last.

i agree. They could have voiced their concerns to him and not discussed it with her.

But given Op says that she thinks it’s ‘kinda weird’ to ask a daughter in law about her family and questions about herself, I am not sure Op is the most reliable narrator.

It’s entirely probable (given ops over reaction about perfectly normal questions) she is also over reacting about their concern or how the expressed their concerns.

It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me….

OP, your marriage hasn't got a hope in hell of surviving under these circumstances. I'm also waiting to hear what they have done to cause this much hostility.

It's normal to ask in laws personal questions ffs. You seem to have a chip on your shoulder. I don't think the marriage will last the long term if this is your attitude.