My husband is upset because I am trying to avoid his family.

[nadia11]

Me and my husband have been married for 2 years. I was not born in the UK but I lived here for a long time. I'm from tahiti. When me and my husband got married, at first my in laws wasn't very nice. We dated for only 9 months before getting married. They always questioned my motive for marrying him because I'm not a British so they thought that I was marrying him just to get permanent residency. My husband have been married to an immigrant previously and his ex betrayed him and left him as soon as she got her UK permanent residency permit. that's what they told me and because of that, they are very suspicious of me despite that I showed them my UK passport and telling them that I'm independent and trying to convince them that I'm not marrying him for malicious reasons. And they use to ask me about my personal life. If I have family in my home country and I tell them that I do not wish to talk about my personal life and I told them to not ask personal questions. That's why I'm even careful to not talk about my personal life to my husband because what if he talks about me to his fam behind my back ? They are not invasive anymore and they sort of trying to get along with me but I still avoid them as much as possible. I have been declining birthday invites, dinner invites, and one of my husband's brothers is getting married soon and I'm considering not going to the wedding and I told my husband that. He tells me that I should make more of an effort with them because they don't think bad about me anymore and they are trying to make amends but I don't feel comfortable with them. I would rather spend time with my own family then spend time with people who I don't feel at home with.

My husband is upset that I avoid his family and that I should forgive them because they are trying to make amends. How do I get him to respect my wish to not have a relationship with them ? I don't care about them and don't want to see them. I have 0 interest in having any relationship with them. I blocked everyone of them. Even his 4 sisters and 2 brothers.

You sound lovely 👏🏼

@nadia11

Can't imagine how your husband's fam are gonna react to the unfortunate wife numero 3 after the antics of no 1 and 2.

At this rate, I doubt they'll have all that long to wait either.

Do you think your old job in Tahiti might have you back, given that you'll have been gone all of five minutes?

You sound unhinged and very unpleasant I’m afraid. I really feel for your dh’s family, as I suspect they know what you’re like, but are put in the impossible position of having to make the effort with you, for the sake of their son. Their story is probably going to be very different to what you’re saying on here.

I feel for your husband as he is now stuck between a rock and a hard place. I suspect they were just looking out for him as he got used before. If they are trying to meet you half way it might be worth making an effort for him if no one else. You do sound like you have a bit of a chip on your shoulder.

Yes, asking if your parents are still in your home country is a natural question, especially if they do not know much about you. If it bothers you that much just get your husband to ask them not to broach that topic of conversation.

I didnt know it was part of France but following Brexit, she would still have to apply for settled status if she is not a UK citizen.

She has been there for years. Even Wo the U.K. citizenship, she would have had the Settled Status anyway
(Note to get the citizenship, you need to have SS or, earlier on, the same requirements re how you’ve stayed etc…)

How sad for your husband tht he can’t share family events with you, it’s a ige shame you are making him take sides when to him you and his family are family. You don’t come accross as reasonable

Been where for years? Tahiti, France or the UK

Not everyone living in the UK from european countries has SS

We apply for SS for children at work, its a very long drawn out process and not easy. The Inlaws are unlikely to know the ins and outs of this

But as I say, her citizenship is not really the issue her, its her attitude.

Fwiw I’m in the same situation than the OP (French, married quickly etc….)

Im astonished at how little British people know about their own immigration system.
Ive been told by my IL that by now I must be British (married for 25 years now) as of just been married and loving here was enough.
People on this thread assuming she needs a visa now as a French citizen even though she has been living in the U.K. for more than 7~8 years from what the OP said.
Assuming that if you’re ’an immigrant’ you need a visa and it’s normal to assume this is the only thing the OP is after.

Its so far from the reality….

In the OP’s case, I’m sure the fact Tahiti is French would have been raised - too many questions around what Tahiti is (and one reason why I can also understand why the OP has grown weary about talking about it btw. Between mixing a Tahiti and Haiti, assumption in the life people have etc… it’s endless).

It’s also extremely hard to say how the tone was when the ILs made those comments. And if there has been many more of them or the silent judgement each time she talks about her family.
If it is like this I can see why she doesn’t want to be involved tbh.

Are you 12?

The OP has the British citizenship. That means she had been in the U.K. for 5 years at least when she got it (that’s a requirement to apply in the first place). She had the U.K. citizenship when she net of her dh 2 years ago.
So she has been there fir more than 7 years, which means she would have had SS even if she hadn’t had the British citizenship.

There is no difference between Tahiti agd France. Tahiti IS France.

Children are a different kettle of fish, esp now as we are out of the deadline to apply.
As an adult, I did it as soon as it was possible. It was extremely easy. (I’m aware a few people also some issues too)

But more to the point @soupfiend , the IL should have known she didn’t need a visa and assume she was marrying only because of that. Not when talking to a French citizen who had been there fir years (and wouldn’t have been able to carry on working wo the SS).

No. It’s really not.

Why have you come on MumsNet? You aren’t looking for help, suggestions or opinions. Keep going on the path you categorically see as right and the consequences will speak for themselves!

I wouldn’t like you as a daughter-in-law. I think you are being ridiculous resenting your DHs family just because they asked you “personal” questions about you and your family. What do you have to hide? It’s normal, in my opinion, to ask questions when a DS brings home a new wife - it’s part and parcel of getting to know you and welcoming you to the family. If my DS had a wife like you I’d move heaven and earth to get him to divorce you - you sound awful. You say you and your family think DHs family are racists - how do you know that? You haven’t given them a chance to prove otherwise because you don’t want them in your life - I think you need to take a good hard look at yourself. Thank God you aren’t married to my DS.

Sounds like you already have a whole team of cheerleaders to back you up, why ask on MN?
Is that because deep down you know something isn't quite right and you can't admit to it?
Your logic / reaction frankly doesn't stack up.

Ask yourself, do you reject them because your pride has been hurt and no amount of apologies and olive branches is going to restore that? Pride is a double edge sword, it holds us up but can also destroy us. Don't let that destroy your relationship with your husband or indeed yourself.

You’ve literally had one poster back you on all of these comments OP, the rest are unanimous in their assessment. That should really speak volumes and hopefully you will start to put your husband first and do the right thing, or you are in for a rough and miserable marriage.

Others behaviour is on them. If they're racist it will show through, but I'd suggest you give them a chance. You don't need to share personal info with them but if they ask How's your mum, dad etc that's not really something to avoid answering unless you have something to hide.

Your behaviour is on you and you have, on the basis of what you've shared, over reacted. Meet them, attend 1 event and see. For the sake of your marriage you cannot go on like this.

Your DH sounds naive tbh. I wouldn't have married you when you're so secretive!

I feel so sorry for your husband. You sound hideous

A voice of reason.

Yes I wonder if the husband is quite vulnerable in some way. Two humdingers of wives so far. No wonder his family are twitchy.

Many of the people on this thread will be native British so you're going to get skewed answers because they haven't been on the receiving end of this sort of thing.

Asking about your family sounds like an innocent thing but it really depends on the tone and intention it was done with. It can be good natured chit chat or it can be pointed and probing questions, patronising tone etc. I suspect it was probably the latter, if the in laws were suspicious about the OPs intentions.

I'm originally from an ex-communist country and some British people have some odd ideas about my country and what life there is like.
A former boyfriend's mum was really worried about him coming to visit and kept asking if he'd be safe out there, as though I was taking him to a war zone rather than an EU capital.
Others clearly assume I must be an economic migrant and that everyone in my country is poor. They ask in a roundabout way about my parents' and relatives' jobs and whether the pay is good in my country, whether we own or rent, how much property costs in my country, whether life there is "alright" (whatever that means). You can tell they're sort of trying to scope me out.
Then when it becomes apparent that we actually have quite a good lifestyle they seem surprised.

Many don't even know where on the map my country is or that it's in the EU, including some officials. When getting married I was questioned by the council about sham marriage, even though at the time both the UK and my country were in the EU so there was no need for visas or to be marrying for one. Have also been questioned getting on the ferry from Northern Ireland to England as though I'm an illegal immigrant, even after I showed them my British passport and my country's ID card with the EU logo on it.

Maybe the OP has had years of this kind of thing and the in laws an accusing her of marrying their son for a visa was the final straw. If my in laws questioned me like that I wouldn't be comfortable in their company either, even if they tried to make amends afterwards. Though I'd probably try to do some token visits and be civil for my husband's sake.

But you should expect that in a heavily protected country like the UK (which still doesn’t do enough in my opinion) these checks will take place. There is a lot of illegal inmigration in the UK, because we have resources and a liberal way of life. But it’s a small island, and people are coming over in droves. I can understand it may feel frustrating, but it’s for the protection of the country. As for questions about culture and lifestyle, they are questions, you answered and now they understand. Lots of the world is in poverty, it’s a fair assumption that someone may not be from the same world as you are, and you don’t know what they are thinking anyway just by their tone. You fill them in, and they then understand, right?

This is a little different. Their son was scammed and heartbroken and then within 9 months of meeting someone he marries them. It’s easy to tell the personality of this woman even through her posts, I imagine she was standoffish and arrogant from the first time they met her, and they picked up a vibe that she may be hiding something, and may not be a very nice person. Their son it seems is a vulnerable person who is easily hoodwinked, which I think he has been by the OP. I’m not sure why she is in this marriage, but her reactions to his family are not the mark of someone who loves someone and wants them to be happy. She seems to only love herself

Interesting you should say other's opinions are skewed as most thought the IL's initial attitudes were wrong and many continued to feel OP doesn't owe them anything even after they apologised yet everyone agreed it is her reactions that needs addressing.
Indeed you yourself agreed OP's attitude / reactions are too extreme and uncompromising or else why would you do "token visits" in her situation and not just completely support her in her solo exploit?
There is something called social grace that is required of all of us if we are to operate as a civil society whatever the culture.

@veggie50 Yes, personally I'd be a bit more compromising in this situation, if I've had an apology from the in laws and I've seen that they're genuinely trying to make amends. But other people might be less compromising, and if you go in all guns blazing accusing your new daughter in law of scamming your son, you have to accept that she might not want you in her life. We don't know exactly what was said before and how long it went on, the apology might be too little too late.

@RubyRosieRoyce I'd certainly expect to be questioned, if I were from a country that didn't have a freedom of movement agreement with the UK. At the time, both the UK and my country were in the EU so there was no such thing as illegal immigration from my county to the UK. I'd expect an official with the authority to question immigrants to know this.

As for the questions about my life, I dare say I'm an intelligent person with good social awareness. I can tell the difference between friendly questions that come from a place of genuinely wanting to get to know me and my culture, and questions intended to scope me out, where I can see the person is going mental calculations to work out where I fit on the socio economic scale.
Also questions that are slightly barbed and have an element of content for my culture.
It's all in the tone and the wording.
We don't know if the OP's in laws' questions were the first or the latter kind. If it's the latter than no wonder she's standoffish, I would be too.
I think it's a bit wild to assume from a single thread what someone's personality is like or that the husband is "vulnerable" and "hoodwinked".

*contempt for my culture, not content, damn typing on my phone