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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is upset because I am trying to avoid his family.

287 replies

nadia11 · 11/09/2024 14:01

Me and my husband have been married for 2 years. I was not born in the UK but I lived here for a long time. I'm from tahiti. When me and my husband got married, at first my in laws wasn't very nice. We dated for only 9 months before getting married. They always questioned my motive for marrying him because I'm not a British so they thought that I was marrying him just to get permanent residency. My husband have been married to an immigrant previously and his ex betrayed him and left him as soon as she got her UK permanent residency permit. that's what they told me and because of that, they are very suspicious of me despite that I showed them my UK passport and telling them that I'm independent and trying to convince them that I'm not marrying him for malicious reasons. And they use to ask me about my personal life. If I have family in my home country and I tell them that I do not wish to talk about my personal life and I told them to not ask personal questions. That's why I'm even careful to not talk about my personal life to my husband because what if he talks about me to his fam behind my back ? They are not invasive anymore and they sort of trying to get along with me but I still avoid them as much as possible. I have been declining birthday invites, dinner invites, and one of my husband's brothers is getting married soon and I'm considering not going to the wedding and I told my husband that. He tells me that I should make more of an effort with them because they don't think bad about me anymore and they are trying to make amends but I don't feel comfortable with them. I would rather spend time with my own family then spend time with people who I don't feel at home with.

My husband is upset that I avoid his family and that I should forgive them because they are trying to make amends. How do I get him to respect my wish to not have a relationship with them ? I don't care about them and don't want to see them. I have 0 interest in having any relationship with them. I blocked everyone of them. Even his 4 sisters and 2 brothers.

OP posts:
RubyRosieRoyce · 12/09/2024 14:32

SummerAndSunPlease · 12/09/2024 14:16

@veggie50 Yes, personally I'd be a bit more compromising in this situation, if I've had an apology from the in laws and I've seen that they're genuinely trying to make amends. But other people might be less compromising, and if you go in all guns blazing accusing your new daughter in law of scamming your son, you have to accept that she might not want you in her life. We don't know exactly what was said before and how long it went on, the apology might be too little too late.

@RubyRosieRoyce I'd certainly expect to be questioned, if I were from a country that didn't have a freedom of movement agreement with the UK. At the time, both the UK and my country were in the EU so there was no such thing as illegal immigration from my county to the UK. I'd expect an official with the authority to question immigrants to know this.

As for the questions about my life, I dare say I'm an intelligent person with good social awareness. I can tell the difference between friendly questions that come from a place of genuinely wanting to get to know me and my culture, and questions intended to scope me out, where I can see the person is going mental calculations to work out where I fit on the socio economic scale.
Also questions that are slightly barbed and have an element of content for my culture.
It's all in the tone and the wording.
We don't know if the OP's in laws' questions were the first or the latter kind. If it's the latter than no wonder she's standoffish, I would be too.
I think it's a bit wild to assume from a single thread what someone's personality is like or that the husband is "vulnerable" and "hoodwinked".

Her attitude to her husband and his emotions stinks. She comes across deeply unpleasant

veggie50 · 12/09/2024 16:34

SummerAndSunPlease · 12/09/2024 14:16

@veggie50 Yes, personally I'd be a bit more compromising in this situation, if I've had an apology from the in laws and I've seen that they're genuinely trying to make amends. But other people might be less compromising, and if you go in all guns blazing accusing your new daughter in law of scamming your son, you have to accept that she might not want you in her life. We don't know exactly what was said before and how long it went on, the apology might be too little too late.

@RubyRosieRoyce I'd certainly expect to be questioned, if I were from a country that didn't have a freedom of movement agreement with the UK. At the time, both the UK and my country were in the EU so there was no such thing as illegal immigration from my county to the UK. I'd expect an official with the authority to question immigrants to know this.

As for the questions about my life, I dare say I'm an intelligent person with good social awareness. I can tell the difference between friendly questions that come from a place of genuinely wanting to get to know me and my culture, and questions intended to scope me out, where I can see the person is going mental calculations to work out where I fit on the socio economic scale.
Also questions that are slightly barbed and have an element of content for my culture.
It's all in the tone and the wording.
We don't know if the OP's in laws' questions were the first or the latter kind. If it's the latter than no wonder she's standoffish, I would be too.
I think it's a bit wild to assume from a single thread what someone's personality is like or that the husband is "vulnerable" and "hoodwinked".

Like you said, we don't know the whole story.
What we do know, with OP's posts being the only narrative of the predicament she is now in, is that she's unhappy because her husband wants her to try build some sort of relationship with his rather large family. (He is one of seven children, OP said he has 6 siblings). Specifically, go to his brother's wedding.

OP refused because
She was wrongly accused, with back story which we all know about.
The accusers were made aware of their mistake and try to make amends (according to her husband, whether genuine or lip service we don't know).
OP would not forgive offenders after "first time" (her own word).
OP view their questions as prying and would not communicate with them and eventually block them all. (They may well be but if you have nothing to hide, just reply honestly and if they look down on her for whatever reason, it is them who should be ashamed)
OP in her effort to conceal her background / family connections, she started limiting information to her own husband.

Assuming she loves her husband and wants to have a happy marriage, most people who has any sort of civility would do a little to help the situation: some pleasant mumbles, maybe do some "token visit" as you called it. OP point blank refused and is looking for MN to support her in her decision.

As a MN bystander who is trying to help, I only want to encourage her to look at her own role in this sad situation where I can see her digging herself further and further in until it is impossible for her to have a normal open relationship with her husband, never mind her husband's own issue in trying to stay in touch w his family while being married to OP.

It isn't too late but not one minute too soon either. I'd go to the brother's wedding as a token gesture, OP.

RubyRosieRoyce · 12/09/2024 16:49

I also find it hard to believe that a family of that size would ALL be considered offensive to her. She hasn’t said anything that would make majority of us here believe they’ve crossed any lines. Intially they felt protective of their son/brother because it looked like he was setting himself up for a similar situation as he did before, then when that was cleared up it was general normal questions a family would want to ask when getting to know someone- someone who is joining their family. OP seems very low on the emotional intelligence scale which may be why she has reacted this way. Most people would consider their spouse to have a caring family, firstly by worrying about him, secondly for wanting to get to know his new wife, who I’m certain has been outright rude to them. She seems personality disordered and narcissistic, everything is about her and how she felt in the moment, there’s very little insight into the whys of the situation, and bizarre reasoning for cutting them off for very normal behaviours that can’t be perceived as offensive.

meanwhile her husband is probably questioning his life choices. If he has any common sense he won’t be wanting to bring any children into the current situation, but he sounds like someone who rushes in head first with poor choices, which is probably why his family were so concerned to begin with.

some families would be telling him to divorce.

Hereforaglance · 15/09/2024 09:38

That a very strong accusation and it sounds like you are the problem not them you need to be very careful what accusations you throw out you are completely out of line and you are disrespectful this relationship is doomed a'd it all down to you by sounds of it

Moellen54 · 15/09/2024 09:46

I thjnk your relationship is doomed. You've accused them of being toxic and racist without examples. You wont even try to get along. You sound very unpleasant and so do the rest of your family unfortunately

crumblingschools · 15/09/2024 09:52

Do you have DC? When they get partners are you never going to ask them about their family etc?

Serenitymummy · 15/09/2024 10:05

So they were careful because your DH had been hurt before. You took personal offence at that so decided the way forward was to cut them out completely, and are now upset/annoyed that they're upset/annoyed by this? You don't seem to want to budge so why are you even here?

JillMW · 15/09/2024 10:36

I am not sure what is going on here. You call his family toxic and racist yet the examples you give do not illustrate this. A marriage after 9 months is quite swift and I think any family, regardless of culture would be concerned and more so knowing about the previous marriage. I would have thought you would want to show them what a kind intelligent loving person you are, instead you seem to have shown them that you are single minded, stubborn and uncaring, do you not think you are making look as though you have issues? If they did not ask about your family that would be odd.

I don't see you mention how much you love your husband, hopefully you do? If so pushing his family away will ultimately push him away too. Is that what you want? Have you found yourself in a difficult relationship? If you love him and want to be with him you need to try to build bridges. If not and his family are correct, then walk away now.

abs12 · 15/09/2024 10:48

You sound immature and aggressive. You have portrayed your inlaws as nice normal people, post the citizenship thing.

Had you ever considered that they questioned your intentions because they love and care about your husband deeply and were trying to protect him? You've given no real examples of poor behaviour. And honestly, if you really took a mature attitude to your marriage you would, for his sake, suck it up and make an effort. It really is time to grow up, understand people make mistakes and you might find yourself a little happier. Because sadly, you sound utterly miserable.

Missflowerpots · 15/09/2024 10:53

Would you be upset if he was avoiding your family.

Swiftie1878 · 15/09/2024 12:45

nadia11 · 11/09/2024 14:09

Well they were shitty to me so...

Show quote history

You need to grow up.
You married your DH, so you are now a part of his family.
They may well have been shitty to you at the beginning, but if you can’t understand, with his history, why they behaved that way, you are not empathetic in the least.

They are his FAMILY. You love him.
Be better. Give them a second chance. If they behave badly again, talk to your DH about it and you can justify going low contact.

loufish · 17/09/2024 18:38

it’s really not though

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