Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is upset because I am trying to avoid his family.

287 replies

nadia11 · 11/09/2024 14:01

Me and my husband have been married for 2 years. I was not born in the UK but I lived here for a long time. I'm from tahiti. When me and my husband got married, at first my in laws wasn't very nice. We dated for only 9 months before getting married. They always questioned my motive for marrying him because I'm not a British so they thought that I was marrying him just to get permanent residency. My husband have been married to an immigrant previously and his ex betrayed him and left him as soon as she got her UK permanent residency permit. that's what they told me and because of that, they are very suspicious of me despite that I showed them my UK passport and telling them that I'm independent and trying to convince them that I'm not marrying him for malicious reasons. And they use to ask me about my personal life. If I have family in my home country and I tell them that I do not wish to talk about my personal life and I told them to not ask personal questions. That's why I'm even careful to not talk about my personal life to my husband because what if he talks about me to his fam behind my back ? They are not invasive anymore and they sort of trying to get along with me but I still avoid them as much as possible. I have been declining birthday invites, dinner invites, and one of my husband's brothers is getting married soon and I'm considering not going to the wedding and I told my husband that. He tells me that I should make more of an effort with them because they don't think bad about me anymore and they are trying to make amends but I don't feel comfortable with them. I would rather spend time with my own family then spend time with people who I don't feel at home with.

My husband is upset that I avoid his family and that I should forgive them because they are trying to make amends. How do I get him to respect my wish to not have a relationship with them ? I don't care about them and don't want to see them. I have 0 interest in having any relationship with them. I blocked everyone of them. Even his 4 sisters and 2 brothers.

OP posts:
Original poster
nadia11 · 11/09/2024 14:42

Honestyy · 11/09/2024 14:39

You only dated for 9 months before marrying. I would be sceptical too. It's very normal for in laws to ask you about your family and home country etc. I would be suspicious if my brother's new wife didn't want to talk to me and kept rejecting invites to family events. I would think you're very antisocial and worry about my brother.

I am not anti social. I have a close bond with my own family and I do have a good amount of genuine friends. I spend time with people that actually care about me.

OP posts:
Emolumentstoday · 11/09/2024 14:42

Maybe they think only a lunatic would marry their son ….

SirChenjins · 11/09/2024 14:42

Still no details of the awful things these horrendous people have done I see.

Unless there’s a massive drip feed that you’re not able to share because you come from Tahiti then they are perfectly reasonable to be concerned.

BubziOwl · 11/09/2024 14:43

What am I reading 🤣 how on earth is it unusual for in laws, or anyone for that matter, to make chit chat about where your family are based?!

I'd be worried about your DH if I were them too OP because it sounds like you're a little bit bonkers

Aquamarine1029 · 11/09/2024 14:44

And they use to ask me about my personal life. If I have family in my home country and I tell them that I do not wish to talk about my personal life and I told them to not ask personal questions. That's why I'm even careful to not talk about my personal life to my husband because what if he talks about me to his fam behind my back?

This makes you sound paranoid and unhinged. You sound like a nightmare, honestly.

Kiss your marriage goodbye.

CurlewKate · 11/09/2024 14:44

What have they done or said that's racist?

midlifeattheoasis · 11/09/2024 14:44

2Old2Tango · 11/09/2024 14:15

No it's not weird, it's how families get to know each other. I think your husband has made a second bad decision on a marriage partner because you sound a bit unhinged.

Show quote history

Absolutely this

KnottedTwine · 11/09/2024 14:45

Asking how many siblings you have or what your parents do for a living is not "asking personal questions".

ThatTealViewer · 11/09/2024 14:46

nadia11 · 11/09/2024 14:10

Asking your daughter or sons partner these personal questions is kinda weird.

Show quote history

Two things:

What personal questions did they ask, though? It’s hard to give an opinion if we don’t know the sort of thing they wanted to know.

What’s your relationship with your husband like? You say you don’t share things with him because you think he might tell them. Is your marriage happy? Do you love and trust your husband?

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/09/2024 14:47

And they use to ask me about my personal life. If I have family in my home country and I tell them that I do not wish to talk about my personal life and I told them to not ask personal questions. That's why I'm even careful to not talk about my personal life to my husband because what if he talks about me to his fam behind my back?

This is the odd part. You don't answer personal questions your DH asks? I'm struggling with the veracity of this part.

Toxic ILs I get.

IfARedFlagWereAPerson · 11/09/2024 14:47

nadia11 · 11/09/2024 14:42

I am not anti social. I have a close bond with my own family and I do have a good amount of genuine friends. I spend time with people that actually care about me.

Show quote history

So, why are you here asking for input? People aren't agreeing with you because - on balance - you are unreasonable.

You are going to destroy your marriage on a crusade to punish 'toxic people' (who your DH loves, so you are being really quite awful to him) whilst behaving in a very toxic, childish manner yourself.

Crack on.

Justcallmebebes · 11/09/2024 14:48

soupfiend · 11/09/2024 14:06

I think you need to do some reframing here. You sound incredibly hostile, defensive and unable to recognise that people are not perfect, even you.

This relationship is doomed.

This. I'm with your husband on this one and you come across as really, really hostile.

If you value your marriage, I would seriously reconsider your stance

Brefugee · 11/09/2024 14:48

nadia11 · 11/09/2024 14:06

I am pretty private when It comes to my personal life. Plus about the blocking, it's in my nature to block people that are toxic.

Show quote history

It is perfectly normal social interaction with family. They are your in-laws so are family.

Your secretiveness is probably making them more suspicious and I don't blame them.

You don't talk to your husband about your family at all? I'm surprised he's still with you, tbh

Justcallmebebes · 11/09/2024 14:49

nadia11 · 11/09/2024 14:10

Asking your daughter or sons partner these personal questions is kinda weird.

Show quote history

It's kinda not

MoveItOnUp · 11/09/2024 14:49

Asking questions about your family is showing an interest!

MoveItOnUp · 11/09/2024 14:51

You sound SO angry!

SpiderGwen · 11/09/2024 14:52

If the questions are “when did you lose your virginity” and “have you considered plastic surgery” then yes, weird and intrusive.

Asking about family and your life in the Philippines, not at all weird.

Refusing to go to his brother’s wedding is incredibly hostile. I’m feeling rather sorry for your husband.

Brefugee · 11/09/2024 14:53

nadia11 · 11/09/2024 14:22

Well they already proved to me that they are judgemental and they thought I had Ill intent just cause my husband's ex did him dirty. I don't surround myself with toxic people. Once somebody shows me how toxic and judgemental they are the first time, I cut them out of my life.

Show quote history

I know who is being judgy here...

Queenofheart · 11/09/2024 14:54

I am not trying to isolate him from his family. If he wants to stay in contact with his family, he can. He can visit them whenever he wants. As long as I am not around them, it's all fine.

The problem with this is at some point he's going to be in a position where he has to choose where he spends his time, so you ARE isolating him, as he has to support you as his partner, but wants a relationship with his family.

What about if they want to visit their son, it sounds as though you won't let them in the house if you're there (he can visit them) ... or if/when children come along?

OhWell45 · 11/09/2024 14:55

Your in-laws are not toxic. They were worried about their child making a bad decision based on their past experiences. They were worried and trying to protect him.

Unfortunately, I don't think your relationship has longevity. How are you going to bring children into this?

DogInATent · 11/09/2024 14:55

That's why I'm even careful to not talk about my personal life to my husband because what if he talks about me to his fam behind my back?

Why did you marry him?
(for that matter, why did he marry you?)

bifurCAT · 11/09/2024 14:55

He made a bad decision in the past with a greencard girlfriend, and he was burnt. His parents were naturally wary of his new partner, who on the face of it looked the same.

You have now proven them wrong. I don't think you can begrudge them looking out for him.

You were worried that they misjudged your character, but now, by maintaining a grudge (and your language here), you're actually looking worse!

You still have time to fix this. I know you don't care about seeing them, but relationships are about compromise. He'll sit in a shoe store while you browse (for example), and you'll smile at family events. We all do things for our partners that we don't particularly enjoy, but we do it because we love them. You 'not' doing things for him makes it sound very one-sided, and that the relationship is all meant to be about him pleasing you.

lechatnoir · 11/09/2024 14:55

What exactly did they ask op? There's nothing to suggest anything out of the ordinary and frankly it would be weird NOT asking a few questions about someone if you've just been introduced.

I can understand their fears if DH has previously been scammed and you married after 9 months, but they are clearly trying to make amends so unless there's a big chunk of information missing, I'd say you are being ridiculous and your marriage will never last if you carry on like this. What happens when you have children - will you allow your DH to take the baby to see his family? Can they never come to your home to see their son & potentially any grandchildren because they asked you questions about your family?

Mitsky · 11/09/2024 14:55

Not talking to your husband about your personal life is very weird.

ManhattanPopcorn · 11/09/2024 14:56

They got off to a bad start but it's hardly surprising considering his previous relationship. It sounds like they would like the chance to make it up to you now.
It's perfectly normal and even polite to ask someone about their family. You are being difficult. You have years ahead of you in your marriage. You're going to make life much harder for both of you if you continue to be so stubborn.

I think you need to examine your own toxic behavior.