My husband is upset because I am trying to avoid his family.

[nadia11]

Me and my husband have been married for 2 years. I was not born in the UK but I lived here for a long time. I'm from tahiti. When me and my husband got married, at first my in laws wasn't very nice. We dated for only 9 months before getting married. They always questioned my motive for marrying him because I'm not a British so they thought that I was marrying him just to get permanent residency. My husband have been married to an immigrant previously and his ex betrayed him and left him as soon as she got her UK permanent residency permit. that's what they told me and because of that, they are very suspicious of me despite that I showed them my UK passport and telling them that I'm independent and trying to convince them that I'm not marrying him for malicious reasons. And they use to ask me about my personal life. If I have family in my home country and I tell them that I do not wish to talk about my personal life and I told them to not ask personal questions. That's why I'm even careful to not talk about my personal life to my husband because what if he talks about me to his fam behind my back ? They are not invasive anymore and they sort of trying to get along with me but I still avoid them as much as possible. I have been declining birthday invites, dinner invites, and one of my husband's brothers is getting married soon and I'm considering not going to the wedding and I told my husband that. He tells me that I should make more of an effort with them because they don't think bad about me anymore and they are trying to make amends but I don't feel comfortable with them. I would rather spend time with my own family then spend time with people who I don't feel at home with.

My husband is upset that I avoid his family and that I should forgive them because they are trying to make amends. How do I get him to respect my wish to not have a relationship with them ? I don't care about them and don't want to see them. I have 0 interest in having any relationship with them. I blocked everyone of them. Even his 4 sisters and 2 brothers.

OP is definitely not coming back to this thread 😂

your husband is upset because theyre try to make ammends and you are a cold,hard no.
youve made some very strong judgements bout them and wont be swayed?
what are you asking?
do you consider your husband prt of your own family?is he welcomed with open arms?
perhaps they initially had misgivings,fears doubts and having seen you still be together realise they jumped the gun. would it really kill you to step up for a second round-which clearly would be on your terms. Are you married to the love of your life?til death do us part? you dont seem trust him to have rship with them without you.if you want him to cut all ties your being,extreme.

What exactly do you mean when they ask about family? Is it literally asking things like do you have any brothers or sisters, nieces or nephews, then you are a massive twat for thinking that’s intrusive. It’s totally normal to ask that. If they are prying into your upbringing, asking whether any of your family have MH issues, asking about the state of anyone’s marriage, then okay, fine.

If they have been racist to you then obviously that’s not okay but you haven’t said anything that has suggested that’s the case.

Hi OP. I had a similar response from DH’s family when I married (I am a Malaysian Indian he is white British). It did cause a massive row and rightly so. DH at the time was furious. However I did want a good relationship with his family and his family wanted a good relationship with me. So we all got along. I would even say I was close to his Dad and nursed him through terminal cancer. Only you know the situation on the ground but it does depend on what you want. not attending BIL’s wedding having been invited would be quite a snub and would entrench the already existing divisions. You may not be successful, but I would try and heal the rift.

Good on you, OP. I think your in laws and the posters on this thread are annoyed you didn’t just accept your in laws racist insinuations and pretend you were all happy clappy with them.

There seems to be a double standard for white women vs BAME women.

Read this thread where posters are telling the OP that her DIL was right to not speak to the OP’s dd anymore:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5161611-dil-trying-to-ruin-my-relationship-with-my-dd

I know quite a lot of people from Tahiti and they are all so family orientated and open and warm - your attitude seems deeply unkind. Of course they are interested in your family but you refuse to tell even your husband about them. Why are you so secretive.

I am not a white woman.

But in that thread the film was openly mocked by the Ops daughter.

Is nothing like the same situation.

Are you seriously suggesting that anyone who has upset their daughter in law is automatically racist, if the daughter in law isn’t white?

Well this thread has not gone well for any of us has it OP?
Mumsnetters asked you questions and you saw them as challenges when they were merely enquiries. You became very defensive and you use extreme words like toxic and racist. These shouldn't be used to mean dislike or disapproval.
You admit your DP has been taken advantage of by a scheming woman before, you do not acknowledge that if the family accepted her then they suffered as well. You have not recognised that they need reassurance that you are a nice and genuine person. Put yourself in their position, understand their suspicion.
Perhaps going to family events is the way to save the relationship. Do not make the man you love take sides between you or his family. That would hurt him.

Well except in that case the MIL and SIL had made fun of the DIL behind her back and in this case the crime seems to be that they asked her about her family. Not quite the same.

I think the time to decide you didn't want anything to do with them was before you were married. They're your family now and you're putting your partner in an awful position. They're probably just being nice asking about your family. My MIL asks about my family in my home country all the time, it's polite conversation...

Have you even read the thread? These in laws were making out she had married her husband for British residency even AFTER she showed them her British passport.

They were using her ethnicity as an excuse to question her, ergo, they’re racist scum and OP is well rid.

I tell them that I do not wish to talk about my personal life and I told them to not ask personal questions.

That's really bizarre, and will make them suspicious of you.

I thought I was an unusually private person, but jeeze, this is a whole new level.

These in laws were making out she had married her husband for British residency even AFTER she showed them her British passport. Were they? That's not in the OP.

If I've missed it can you quote the post where this was said? I read that they were trying to make amends for their initial suspicion.

You’re not a partner now. You are married. And their DIL. Maybe at some time you may be mother of their grandchildren (or at least they may think that)

blocking is on incredibly toxic. You are forcing your dh into an awful position where at times he will have to chose between you and them. It’s verging on coercive control frankly.

if you can give examples where they were abusive to you, fair enough. But right now the examples about questioning your motives to marry quickly (9 months is very quick) and to be asking you about your personal history and family is entirely normal for a parent in law, BIL, SIL - how on earth are they going to get to know you if you do not trust them?

Trust is reciprocal- if you are sending a clear message you don’t trust them, they in turn will not trust you, and then it bounces back again and the lot of you are spiralling around each other in a mutually untrustin mess. For goodness sake, if you love your dh, start to build bridges. Open up a bit. They don’t have to be your best friends, but just being able to have a nice time togther and get along would help your dh so much to know he’s not treading on egg shells between lot of you.

If this was your own son surely you'd have the same concerns I know I would!

I read it that they were worried she was marrying him for citizenship, she showed them her passport but they were still suspicious after that because she completely refused to answer what she considered "personal" questions like do you have family back home. She would not answer any questions about herself. Hardly reassuring.

I am sorry but if my son wanted to marry someone after 9 months, not even an engagement at 9 months but straight to actual marriage I would be wondering what the rush was and I would be suspicious too especially if this was his second marriage and he may have done this rushed marriage the first time too.

No they didnt use her ethnicity. That would suggest that is because she is specifically from Tahiti that they believed that. That wasn’t the case.

They had concerns and we have no idea how this was expressed. The Op believes asking a daughter in law about her own family is rude. So it’s hard to judge what actually happened.

However, mocking someone is different to discussing something openly with someone to their face. Which this family did.

I can’t see in the other thread where the Op confirmed she was white. That her daughter was white or that the dil was not. Did op name change and I can’t see it?

You have compared 2 completely different situations and decided that people you don’t know (the in laws and people posting) must be racist because of views on a different topic, with many different posters (not everyone who commented on one commented on the other) whilst making huge assumptions.

and also, assuming op is Polynesian, BAME might not be an appropriate term.

That he'd be stupid enough to do the same thing twice?

Sorry but you are the crazy one in this

Perhaps there are cultural differences in your new country are uncomfortable for you. Perhaps google “his to small talk in XYZ country” “family expectations XYZ country”
You can learn how to get along in your new country.
To me, here in UK, you seem to be have very different attitudes towards family which is perhaps reason for your conflict & anger .

What have they said that’s racist towards you, as I’m picking up a very strong vibe that’s it’s you and your friends and family that are the racist ones. You look down on these people big time

Asking surface level questions about your family is not weird in slightest. What’s weird is not wanting to disclose anything, that’s guaranteed to get their spidey senses tingling given what happened before with their son’s ex.

A friend of mine once got a new bf like this. Appeared out of nowhere with no family around and not forthcoming with any real info about himself. He gave me the heebie jeebies from the first time I met him and lo and behold turned out to be complete fruitloop as is often the case with these types of people. If you don’t want them to be suspicious of you stop acting suspicious.

You sound very very immature do you want your marriage to last ? If you do perhaps drawing a line and being more friendly might help or is this marriage all about you regardless of your husband's wishes. Do you know the saying it's nice to be nice

Sorry, this was for another thread

Here we go again