My husband is upset because I am trying to avoid his family.

[nadia11]

Me and my husband have been married for 2 years. I was not born in the UK but I lived here for a long time. I'm from tahiti. When me and my husband got married, at first my in laws wasn't very nice. We dated for only 9 months before getting married. They always questioned my motive for marrying him because I'm not a British so they thought that I was marrying him just to get permanent residency. My husband have been married to an immigrant previously and his ex betrayed him and left him as soon as she got her UK permanent residency permit. that's what they told me and because of that, they are very suspicious of me despite that I showed them my UK passport and telling them that I'm independent and trying to convince them that I'm not marrying him for malicious reasons. And they use to ask me about my personal life. If I have family in my home country and I tell them that I do not wish to talk about my personal life and I told them to not ask personal questions. That's why I'm even careful to not talk about my personal life to my husband because what if he talks about me to his fam behind my back ? They are not invasive anymore and they sort of trying to get along with me but I still avoid them as much as possible. I have been declining birthday invites, dinner invites, and one of my husband's brothers is getting married soon and I'm considering not going to the wedding and I told my husband that. He tells me that I should make more of an effort with them because they don't think bad about me anymore and they are trying to make amends but I don't feel comfortable with them. I would rather spend time with my own family then spend time with people who I don't feel at home with.

My husband is upset that I avoid his family and that I should forgive them because they are trying to make amends. How do I get him to respect my wish to not have a relationship with them ? I don't care about them and don't want to see them. I have 0 interest in having any relationship with them. I blocked everyone of them. Even his 4 sisters and 2 brothers.

Your in-laws offended you with their insinuation but that was borne from a past experience that hurt their DS. They were rightly protective of their DS but perhaps conveyed that wrongly.

The fact you're not even willing to forgive or to even attempt to form a civil relationship with your in-laws, shows how little you care about your DH and his feelings.

These are people that raised him and whom he loves. Are people not allowed to make mistakes and are beyond forgiveness? I suspect your refusal to form a relationship will soon grown into limiting how much time DH spends with them and eventually manipulating DH to go NC.

You may have your own UK passport but clearly the in-laws were right to be wary of you.

**
Asking your daughter or sons partner these personal questions is kinda weird“

No it isn’t. It’s perfectly normal.

You knew the history with your husband and how he married someone previously and she ran off after the visa.

You are now surprised at his family being protective. Which is kinda understandable really. You've framed it as racist but haven't given an example of how.

You've said they've asked personal questions and said they are intrusive. Yet asking about family is a normal thing in terms of getting to know someone. You haven't explained how they are intrusive.

In these circumstances, you married after just 9 months. Did it not occur to you that they might affect the relationship? And resolving them before marriage might be a good idea?

It sounds like your husband is now baffled by why you are rejecting them. You don't seem to have a reasonable point for him to actually support and say to his family that they are unreasonable.

Instead you are just unreasonable and belligerent about his family.

And you expect the relationship to survive?

Genuinely you are doomed unless you can get your head out your arse here. I'm not getting what you want from the thread.

Either you have good grounds for this, in which case you present to your husband. If he still doesn't see a problem you need to reconsider the marriage. Or you havent got grounds and you are being massively paranoid.

Which leaves you with some big hard decisions to make and you need to be able to articulate why their behaviour isn't ok beyond 'asked personal questions'.

Marry in haste;; repent at leisure.

Words for your soon to be ex husband.

I think he should ltb.

Almost unbelievably so.

That is almost the oddest thing. What sort of relationship is that.

So you don’t talk about your personal life with your husband? Who is (or should be) a huge part of your personal life?

You are massively over reacting. If this is real, you may find your marriage ending sooner rather than later.

No, not at all, Nadia. It's actually polite to show an interest. How on earth do you work out that your in-laws are invading your privacy by enquiring about your family?

For me, it would be hugely weird and unwelcoming were they not to ask about your family of origin.

You're being unreasonable and prickly. And why are you spreading poison about your husband's family to your friends?

You sound like bad news, sorry to say!

I think you are coming across as the toxic one.

Your behaviour is very bizarre. They were worried initially because it was a short relationship before marriage and your DH had previously been stung by someone marrying him for residency.

I'm sure your family would have been similarly concerned if roles were reversed!

Once they realised it was genuine they tried to get to know you by asking you about your family? Ohhh what terrible people 🙄

What exactly were these 'personal questions'? I don't believe that you are married and you don't speak to your husband about your own family and 'personal life'?

You sound like a dreadful person. You are in the wrong and unreasonable. Your poor husband should have learnt his lesson and should not have married someone like you!

Their reservations weren't unfounded.

You got married after knowing their son only 9 months, anyone would be concerned in that situation. Add in their sons previous history. Add in the fact your evasive about your background, and as a result they will know little about you. It's completely natural to be very concerned in that situation

You don't even care enough about their son to build bridges with his family?

You're coming across as if you have something to hide, OP, and I imagine the family are picking up on that too. The more of your posts I've read, the more concerned I feel for your husband. You're married to him: of course his parents and other family would like to know a little about you, about your family and about your life before you came to the UK. This is perfectly natural — and the fact that you're so defensive and determined to keep your past a secret rings loads of warning bells.

Yes, isn’t her husband quite a large part of her personal life? I wonder what OP and her husband do talk about?

What exactly were they asking you that you found to be so weird? If they were asking general questions about your family and life back in Tahiti, surely that is a normal way of them getting to know someone who has come into their lives? Without details of what they were doing that was so offensive, you are coming off very unreasonable.

Also what will happen if you have children? Will you refuse to let them be in the childrens lives too?

Wow, I think your DH and his family should get far away from you, you sound bonkers!

Unless there’s a huge drip feed bomb to come then there’s only one person who is toxic, rude, inflexible and unreasonable and that’s you OP.

They had seen their son make a huge mistake then rush into another marriage - they’re right guy to have his interests at heart. By the sounds of things they’ve tried to embrace you and you’ve put a massive brick wall up and refuse to accept any opinion other than your own.

If your husband was asking for advice I think we’d be telling him to run

One thing looks clear to me from your posts OP-your In-laws have you bang on, there is something about you that is not right and it's not about race.

YAB totally unreasonable. It is natural for your husband's family to try to chat to you about yours, in an effort to be friendly. It is rude, and unfair to your DH, to refuse to go to his brother's wedding and try to make a rift between him and his family.

Your post sounds so ridiculous that I am wondering if it is genuine. if it is I don’t think your marriage will last long, and I don’t think your husband would be the one to blame.

marriages between people from different cultures can be more challenging than if you’re from the same culture. To succeed in an intercultural marriage, you need MORe communication, openness, grave and flexibility than in a monocultural marriage. Not less.

I know it’s hard (I’m in one myself) but if you want to make it work you got to seriously reconsider your attitude. UNLESS they’re genuinely racist, which is of course possible and would be a valid reason to avoid them, but so far, you’re not provided evidence of that other than that they were weary of you at first.

I spend time with people that actually care about me

How can they care about you when they don't know you and she refuse to have a relationship with them.

I think you are projecting - look in the mirror before calling others toxic. I hope your H realises quickly who he has married and I suspect his family were right to worry.

I would rather spend time with my own family then spend time with people who I don't feel at home with.

If that is your attitude you will never develop friendships or relationships outside your own family, as you will never get to the stage of feeling at home with anyone else. You acknowledge that your husband's family had good reason to feel protective of him and they are no longer suspicious of you, so why not make a bit of an effort? Otherwise your relationship with your husband may well collapse as well.

You don't need to be best friends with them or anything like that, but you may need to reconsider your stance towards them if you want your marriage to last.

You have behaved equally bad or worse. Divorce him so he can find someone who understands how to get along while having boundaries.