Tell his wife - why it should be a YES

[Fedup46]

Will try to keep this concise..

Dating a guy I met on Bumble for 6 weeks... unable to shake my gut instinct something was not right (sketchy phone receiving messages, calls never connected, last minute date confirmation, seemingly busy most weekends and just a feeling) , he's in the armed forces so I accepted contact would be potentially inconsistent. Last night I worked out he is very much married (very happily seemingly, looking at his wife social media) he lied about name, where located, where he'd been etc.... discovering the truth was almost impossible but I persevered with Google lens on a picture he sent me and the rest is history.

So I challenged him, lies until he realised there was no denying it. He then turned unexpectedly dark and said he had my intimate pics and videos so leave his wife alone.

I expect many readers will say no don't contact the wife and I unreservedly and unashamedly disagree. And it's vital that we do if this is happening to you.

I'm 47 and been online dating since 2021 trying to find love and monogamy with a man.

I have encountered 3 out of 5 men I have been involved with are lying, cheating married men with no intentions to leave wife and willingly, knowingly and brutally ruining my life and abusing the trust and union with their wife.

On all 3 occasions I have sensitively and genuinely contacted their wives to expose them and have been so relieved to be thanked without reservation for telling them.

This behaviour ruins lives, it is scarily common, especially in 40's and I am amazed when I hear or read negative comments about exposing them.

I hope this is received with the good intention I mean.

Something is seriously wrong with this culture of behavior from these men and attitude towards the 'other woman ' who is a victim as well and only wants to protect and give the truth to the wife - it's called humanity.

I'll leave this here. X ✌🏼❤️

He then turned unexpectedly dark and said he had my intimate pics and videos so leave his wife alone.

Scum. I hope his wife leaves and never looks back.

Firstly I'm sorry this has happened to you, multiple times. I can't imagine how hard it is to try and find a decent partner these days.

Second, I totally agree with you. As for him trying to blackmail you with those pictures, report him to the police.

What's he going to do with your pics and videos? Posting them anywhere is illegal and gets him registered on the sex offenders list..

Tell his wife and tell her any photos or video he has of her may already be online.

There are too many men who get away with this because too many women don't check who they are first.

Incidentally, a few weeks ago I posted about being paranoid or justified about the early signs of this most recent situation, I was mostly brutally reviewed as the problem, mental health issues, wrong and out of order for thinking the way I did. Turns out I was always right and would also say please listen to that feeling in your gut, that irrational instinct people tell you you have is very likely spot on.

Agreed and I am careful to never include my face and he actually deleted the comments but not before I'd screenshot. And yes, I do all the checks...this one was really hard as armed forces and no social media at all - it took a little while, he gaslit me a bit, but I got there!

Yes expose him and i would send the messages of him trying to blackmail to his army barracks too

Firstly sorry this is happening to you and others.

Secondly I’m surprised men go on bumble, pof if only interested in sex. There are sites they can go on purely for hook ups (friend uses one). All her ‘friends’ are married, with children. She uses the site with /without her DH (yep she’s married too). Each to their own but if I ever found myself single again, I’d be staying that bloody way I think. Dating sounds like a nightmare these days.

I was tempted, but can see he reacted in the moment and deleted pretty promptly... all he cared about was stopping me contacting her...why? Because he cheated on her last year and this was his only 2nd chance .. I was delighted to see her post earlier looking incredible with a #warriorwoman tag !

Honestly, it's a complete nightmare. But not sure how else to meet someone? All my friends are married and don't go out socially very often - any tips welcome! 😁

I just hear this so often it's ridiculous - wish the apps could verify marriage status as well as identity!?

How do you know this, did she respond?

Vile man. How bloody dare he threaten you?? And yes, I agree with telling the wife, I absolutely would. I would also send the screen shot of this threats to his commanding officer. Twat deserves to feel the consequences of his shitty actions.

I contacted her on Facebook messenger and we had a long call yesterday afternoon, she was lovely and so thankful I had contacted her. Yes apparently she discovered a cheating relationship last year and I made her aware he told me he was seeing someone before me ( hence the last post I did about being uncomfortable with him saying how lovely she was!)

Her Instagram is public and I saw her post about being a warrior 👌🏽

Good for you. Everybody at my ex's work knew he was cheating, but nobody had the decency to tell
me. Somebody could have saved me years of torment and a carcinogenic strain of HPV, but they couldn't be arsed. None of them seemed to think worse of him for it either. Amoral assholes.
Always tell.

Great idea. I believe infidelity is considered conduct unbecoming in the military, so that alone could get him in hot water. With the revenge porn threats, he might even get a dishonourable discharge.

You can tell the army he is blackmailing you

Honestly, I'm a bit reluctant to really cause trouble. He knows where I live and I'm a single mum. I have completely disregarded the threat - I thought to myself that you can't tell it's me ...no f's (face or fanny!🤭)

I'm so sorry for your experience and thank you, your situation is exactly what I had in mind x

I hope you are doing better without him x

Thanks love. I am. 🙂
I appreciate people like you who have a strong moral compass.

He's a Staff Sergeant too, so pretty responsible - honestly it's literally unbelievable - he looks so happily married too, pictures of them last week nearly made me vomit 😰

And so much social media activity from wife with all the lovely things he does for her - I can't quite process why, but moving on - just wanted to make the point about how important it is to speak up x

I'm sorry this happened to you. I experienced something a similar not long ago. I would probably tell her, she deserves to know.

I’m sorry this happened to you. But I’d leave it alone now, sounds like you’re enjoying yourself a bit.

Hold Up — so he does have compromising photos and videos of you and has threatened to release them?
Wow that’s low. And cruel. And low.
And it’s also why I’ve never done that - not even with my ex-husband, whom I thought was reasonable but who went insane after our separation and subsequent divorce. He was an officer in the Navy. I was his third wife - he’s now on his fifth wife.
I know we always think “that’ll never happen to me” — until it does.
Don’t hand the gunman ammunition.
I’m very sorry both you and the wife are in this situation, @Fedup46— this guy belongs in sick bay - or the brig. Or the sick bay in the brig.
He should not be serving at all if he’s this unhinged.
I also highly recommend that you contact his superiors — but ask them to keep you anonymous for your own safety.
Sending love.

I hear what you're saying about pics, but without wanting to appear crass or slutty ( any pics I have shared are very tasteful!) it's empowering for me in a way and as he's in the forces and away a lot it felt like a way of keeping excitement going! - if you can understand 🤞🏼

So yes he does have pics of me although my face is not in any.

Maybe I'm misjudging how sinister the threat was - he deleted it very quickly, but yes this behaviour is sociopathic and I also discovered he's very active and senior with his Christian faith! Not very Christian behavior - he's an 'elder' which he also didn't mention!

The man is scum.
You are 47. Why did you send a man whom you have been seeing for 6 weeks intimate pics and vids? I can hardly believe you did that.

Oh, that's good you didn't show your face, didn't realize that.