Tell his wife - why it should be a YES

[Fedup46]

Will try to keep this concise..

Dating a guy I met on Bumble for 6 weeks... unable to shake my gut instinct something was not right (sketchy phone receiving messages, calls never connected, last minute date confirmation, seemingly busy most weekends and just a feeling) , he's in the armed forces so I accepted contact would be potentially inconsistent. Last night I worked out he is very much married (very happily seemingly, looking at his wife social media) he lied about name, where located, where he'd been etc.... discovering the truth was almost impossible but I persevered with Google lens on a picture he sent me and the rest is history.

So I challenged him, lies until he realised there was no denying it. He then turned unexpectedly dark and said he had my intimate pics and videos so leave his wife alone.

I expect many readers will say no don't contact the wife and I unreservedly and unashamedly disagree. And it's vital that we do if this is happening to you.

I'm 47 and been online dating since 2021 trying to find love and monogamy with a man.

I have encountered 3 out of 5 men I have been involved with are lying, cheating married men with no intentions to leave wife and willingly, knowingly and brutally ruining my life and abusing the trust and union with their wife.

On all 3 occasions I have sensitively and genuinely contacted their wives to expose them and have been so relieved to be thanked without reservation for telling them.

This behaviour ruins lives, it is scarily common, especially in 40's and I am amazed when I hear or read negative comments about exposing them.

I hope this is received with the good intention I mean.

Something is seriously wrong with this culture of behavior from these men and attitude towards the 'other woman ' who is a victim as well and only wants to protect and give the truth to the wife - it's called humanity.

I'll leave this here. X ✌🏼❤️

Well of course he didn't want his wife to know. He was on his last chance it seems and she was handy. She kept everything ticking along if he was deployed.

I'd report him to the Army and to the Church. The Army may or may not care about the cheating but maybe they would be interested in the blackmail?

I agree with a poster up thread. He didn't want a hook up. He wanted someone to have an additional relationship with and all the warmth and care that comes with it. It's cruel.

This is very naive. I dated someone in the military. He was very open with me about what goes on, and he told me that when they go on tour, EVERYONE cheats. They all use prostitutes. Every single one of them. So yeah, no one is getting fired for cheating. Unsurprisingly, the reason we broke up is because he cheated on me! He is now married to her, and has deleted all of his social media, and she doesn't say on any of hers, that he is her husband. It's like he is invisible, I wonder why? My guess is he is still cheating and doesn't want to be traceable.

No one making a decision (and being married is a decision) has ever said 'what I need is less information'.

With information the cheated on spouse can choose to stay or go. They can choose whether to ttc with their cheating partner.

If they have sexual health problems they can be better informed as to how this has happened. If they know their partner cheats then they know that STDs are a possibility.

If the cheat is male then their spouse knows there is a risk of a child being fathered elsewhere. If the cheat is female then the spouse knows that they are not necessarily the biological father of any children conceived during the relationship.

Knowledge is powerful. Ignorance is weakness.

Tell his poor wife. She deserves better than this cheating scum.

If he tries to threaten you again, point out that this would be illegal behaviour to share intimate pictures/videos of you without your consent and that you would report him for this and for trying to blackmail you to both the police and his commanding officer.

I gave up on online dating years ago because so many men were liars/cheats...

'@Blondiebeachbabe
This is very naive. I dated someone in the military. He was very open with me about what goes on, and he told me that when they go on tour, EVERYONE cheats. They all use prostitutes. Every single one of them. So yeah, no one is getting fired for cheating.'

But they would be sacked for threatening to share/sharing intimate pics and videos without her consent...that's a criminal offence.

Also the fact that you dated one person who might have tried to justify his cheating and use of prostitutes by saying 'everyone does it', does not mean that this is the truth.

It is naive to assume that he would be kicked out of the military for this kind of behaviour. It just doesn't happen that way.

I've dealt with many internal incidents of soldiers being accused of violence, rape and sexual abuse, with only a small amount going through to conviction. In my experience, it was only if they were actually convicted in a criminal court were they discharged from the forces. Military law is in place that must be followed to protect the accuser and the accused. It is a very different environment to a civilian workplace

Despite all the noise around core values, the MOD is very reluctant to get involved in people's personal lives unless there is a conviction. That's why it has the administrative action process in place, a mechanism to show some kind of action but is basically toothless.

So please can people who don't understand the system stop advising her to get him kicked out of the military. In this instance, it is very very unlikely and could result in a dangerous situation for the OP and her child.

Just for the record if someone tells you they’re not allowed to use social media because they’re in the armed forces, that’s bullshit.

I’d only not for fear of him turning violent. Have been on the receiving end of male violence too many times.

and have you told this wife yet?

also, and I know we’re all adults and I mean this kindly, but how are so many women having sex with married men? Maybe I’m just old fashioned but I make them date for a while, prove they’re who they say the are and actually like to ‘test’ their gentleman-status by asking for sti checks (a true one will say of course and see the sense and self respect, even if taken off guard at first by the unusual request)

just editing to add ive also picked douchebags but never caught out by married ones due to the hurdles - they can absolutely turn into arsehole later on down the line though!

That would be at least as much my takeaway from this as ‘men on Bumble are often married’. OP, you explain at length in your original post exactly why you felt nothing was quite right, so, quite apart from only seeing him for a few weeks, surely it was quite mad to send intimate photos and videos to a virtual stranger yiu had good reason not to trust?

Revenge porn is a crime. Calmly respond to him saying he has threatened to commit a crime against you and you will be reporting him to the police.

It’s awful online dating is a scummy place, I would be very wary of allowing photos of a sexual nature to be taken, too risky of where it will end up.
You have had a lucky escape and if it was me I would be happy that I have and walk away without taking any action

Not really the point
but don’t go sending someone you hardly know photos / videos if yourself
if you do send by Watsapp on view it once so they don’t get to keep it or download it

I’m ex forces, the men all find this stuff hilarious and boast about it. Boast about how many they’ve conned and get them lined up for when they are away.

Please report him with this evidence. He’s scum.

Yes I agree - never understand people who say stay out of it/don't tell them. We would all rather know we were living a lie.

Gosh this scares me, I am engaged and the stats are just crazy - why do people do this!!!

Don't give up on finding love and thanks for being the woman that exposes assholes!

I think where this kind of thing is concerned that’s always going to be the narrative on MN. I happen to agree with a lot of what you posted. This man was only known to the OP for a few weeks as the result of OLD. She has no real idea of who he is or what he’s capable of and any one of the scenarios you mentioned could have been the result of letting his wife know.

l also saw the previous thread from this OP and it was concerning. Three men out of five she met online were married and cheating - now presumably this is number four. She allegedly hasn’t done any research on any of them before dating, and has on at least one occasion actually sent intimate pictures of herself to a man she has only known only for a matter of weeks.

OP also has a child, but despite that, this man knows where she lives, so she hasn’t made any effort to protect her child (or herself for that matter) from what l would consider risky online behaviour.

Put together with her accounts of how in every single case, the wives are lovely and how grateful they are to be told of their husbands’ infidelity, and now a follow up thread urging other women to do as she has done, and to my mind something isn’t quite right here. Am l the only one seeing it ?

Also he can get in massive trouble for sharing the intimate photos of you. That lady from love island took her ex to court for a sxebario in this ball part. Its all threats. Tell the wife maybe she can delete them for you.

@ThePrologue Well arent you a cheating male who doesnt wish to get what he deserves.

I'd want to be told so I'd tell the wife, as gently as possible.

If he contacts you again, I would just tell him to stop doing so otherwise you will have to report his behaviour to his superiors

If you know where he’s based send any of his threats to the military police attached to his base. They deal with offenders and his commanding officer will be fully informed.

Yeah this. Been with my DH for around 35 years and if he died or left, I would never in a million years even think about looking for another man/another relationship. Even if a man pursued me, I would say no. Couldn't be arsed. Most (available) men seem to be utter fucking duds. The most horrific men seem to be on 'dating sites. And it's not just 'available men' who are duds to be honest, there are some married men on there too who are. Seriously, no wonder some women dislike men so much.

Sorry @Fedup46 I am really sorry you are going through this, and this man sounds like an utter c*nt. Please tell his wife, and as several people have said, let his barracks know what he is doing - shagging around with other women, and also threatening to blackmail you with the intimate pics he has of you. Send the screenshots to them.

You sound so wounded and beaten, and I really do feel for you. I hope you meet a man who deserves you soon. Look after yourself. 💞

Agree - my ex-husband was having an affair and everyone in his office knew, but similarly it felt no-one wanted to "interfere" or "get involved" - which sadly are often used as the reasons here for not telling the wife. I really wish someone has said someone, an anonymous tip, or anything. I understand why people don't want to say anything, but if someone had anonymously it would have save me months of being gaslit and thinking I was going crazy.

I know you said you found it empowering to send pictures/ videos but you also said that you felt something was "off" very early on.
Do you not think that you were putting yourself in a really vulnerable position by sending those images in a situation where you knew something wasn't right?
If there was nothing identifying in the pictures then how could they be used as blackmail?
The whole relationship only lasted 6 weeks and you had misgivings for much of that as you appear to have had to put a lot of effort in to catch him out so early on.
You are not naive. You know that you never really know what another person will do and once something is online it is there forever. But you still chose to ignore the instincts that you are telling everyone else to take heed of.
Whilst you may feel good about what action you took please have a little more care for yourself and take your own advice.

Well done for telling the wife, you're absolutely correct that it's the right thing to do

I would absolutely report him to the police/whatever is relevant to his military career for the threat of committing a sexual offence against you. I wouldn't even hesitate tbh.

Who cares if he realised his fuck-up and deleted it - too bad. Oopsie doopsie I accidentally threatened a woman with a sexual crime, this definitely has no bearing on my character and risk to other women 😭 fuck that

What on earth are you talking about?

Secondly I’m surprised men go on bumble, pof if only interested in sex. There are sites they can go on purely for hook ups (friend uses one)

The deceit is part of the thrill.