Tell his wife - why it should be a YES

[Fedup46]

Will try to keep this concise..

Dating a guy I met on Bumble for 6 weeks... unable to shake my gut instinct something was not right (sketchy phone receiving messages, calls never connected, last minute date confirmation, seemingly busy most weekends and just a feeling) , he's in the armed forces so I accepted contact would be potentially inconsistent. Last night I worked out he is very much married (very happily seemingly, looking at his wife social media) he lied about name, where located, where he'd been etc.... discovering the truth was almost impossible but I persevered with Google lens on a picture he sent me and the rest is history.

So I challenged him, lies until he realised there was no denying it. He then turned unexpectedly dark and said he had my intimate pics and videos so leave his wife alone.

I expect many readers will say no don't contact the wife and I unreservedly and unashamedly disagree. And it's vital that we do if this is happening to you.

I'm 47 and been online dating since 2021 trying to find love and monogamy with a man.

I have encountered 3 out of 5 men I have been involved with are lying, cheating married men with no intentions to leave wife and willingly, knowingly and brutally ruining my life and abusing the trust and union with their wife.

On all 3 occasions I have sensitively and genuinely contacted their wives to expose them and have been so relieved to be thanked without reservation for telling them.

This behaviour ruins lives, it is scarily common, especially in 40's and I am amazed when I hear or read negative comments about exposing them.

I hope this is received with the good intention I mean.

Something is seriously wrong with this culture of behavior from these men and attitude towards the 'other woman ' who is a victim as well and only wants to protect and give the truth to the wife - it's called humanity.

I'll leave this here. X ✌🏼❤️

A staff sergeant is not high ranking, so no issue there.

This type of behaviour is extremely common in the forces and some a lot worse! so you'd be basically left with very few if you applied a high moral bar. I speak from extensive experience on this.

It's absolutely rampant in the armed forces and the police. It's a power thing. This is why I refused to involve myself with anyone from those professions when I was still dating.

Phone his unit and ask to speak to his commanding officer and tell him you want to make a complaint about one of his service personnel. He’s in breach of the military values and standards regulations. Provide the evidence and say he threatened to expose intimate pictures and ask if he wants to investigate or should the individual be referred to the civilian police.

You won’t need to tell the wife, this will blow up for him big time.

Oops, didn’t read the whole thread.

Don't do this.

At best he'll get an MAA and very little will happen. At worst, you will potentially expose yourself and your child to very dangerous retaliatory behaviour and made the situation a lot worse. He's already lost his wife and if his work is also effected it could make him dangerous in how he responds.

Op has said she finds sending pics empowering. I don’t see the big deal in sending non-identifiable intimate pictures, personally, even at the age of - gasp - 47

Perhaps the posters who accused you of being paranoid (or having mental health problems) are cheaters themselves and are worried about being exposed.

Well, aren't you a delightful little public service?
You have no right to throw a grenade into people's lives, it is not up to you to tell the wife. Your job is to tell the man you meet OLD, he is a shit if he is married, then to dump him.
Who are you to decide you can break up the family? Yes, hypothetically, in an ideal world, the betrayed wife would want to know, but maybe they don't.
Maybe you devastate their life with your 'news', and they have no support locally. No fanily or friends to go to, discuss with
She confronts her DH with your news. he beats her senseless...
You tell her your marvellous news, she commits suicide as she is devastated...
You tell her, she murders him...

The ramifications are endless, whereas your glee about your personal crusade is bordering on gratifying, yet you have not considered your actions

@Fedup46 I wondered your opinion on whether you’d tell the DW/DP if it was only messages & interest in physical intimacy (although no physical act because of the OW & not the DH) &/or if there could be negative repercussions for the OW eg as they work together?

Would it make a difference if they had DC but weren’t married so she had less rights if they separated?

I do in principle believe that it’s better to tell the DW/DP (particularly as I’ve been cheated on) but it isn’t always black and white.

I was the wife in this situation too and it was a girl in my office who told me. At the time it was mortifying but I’m so glad she did. I ended our marriage and have been single since (10 years now). Dating is really hard but I’m convinced that there must be some good men out there. Incidentally I saw my now exH on tinder and screenshot and sent to his new wife and she just blocked me, I feel fine that I gave her the information and she could do as she pleased with it (they’re still together, more fool her!)
You 100% did the right thing in telling her.

Blimey, that got real dark real fast. It’s not the teller throwing a grenade into the marriage, it’s the person who is cheating. If the partner isn’t told they’ll likely find out some other way - they’ll see a text flash up on a phone, or find a receipt for perfume or something. If the couple has an open marriage then great, no harm done, but if not then at least they can make an informed decision about their future. There is no scenario in which I would want my husband to be fucking another woman behind my back. That’s stone cold cheating, and if you don’t call it out you’re condoning it.

I had almost exactly the same scenario except he did actually put the photos etc up on sites along with my phone number. I had random men messaging me for sexy chat. It happened right before covid and the police were less than useless about tracking him down. I had more calls from them about my car being broken into than this.

In the end he went over to Germany and I dropped it.

I'm really glad this man didn't do the same, the fact he threatened and then deleted is a worry.

Your final sentence is the poor man's argument 'if you're not with us, you're against us'. Ridiculous and spurious as grey areas exist.
No-one has a right to devastate a life. Yes, the DH cheating bastard is the one that is creating the devastation, but OP has no right to signpost it. Not her monkey
And yes, consequences can get dark. Fast.

What a strange way of looking at things. How on earth would it be her fault if the wife commits suicide? The mental gymnastics people go through to protect men and enable the harm of other women.

The unsuspecting other woman should bear no responsibility for the consequences—that rests solely with the husband. Yes, the news will be devastating, but withholding the truth only prolongs the cycle of deception and harm. This isn't about 'glee' or a 'crusade,' and even if it were, so what? It doesn’t take away the wife’s right to not be kept in the dark

OP has every right. Right that was handed to her, as usual, by Mr Roaming Dick. He left the door to his relationship wide open for her to enter.

Him being able to lie and cheat on his wife is in no way beneficial to her, as women always report the mental anguish they experience when an affair is going on. She is still being tortured, with no family support or any of the other things you mention.

Keeping quiet only benefits the sexually incontinent man, who's been caught at least once before.

Walk away and avoid the drama,chalk it up to experience and be sensible before sending videos and pics because you never know where they'll end up.

Do you know what part of the armed forces he is in? If he is army and you know which regiment you can contact them and report his comments about sharing your intimate pictures. They have a zero tolerance policy for unacceptable sexual behaviours.

Oh do be quiet.

I wholeheartedly agree. Having been the one being cheated on (he was living away from home during the week for work), repeatedly for a couple of years. One brave woman contacted me because he’d scared her. If she hadn’t done that, i’f probably still be trying to make it work and he’d still be having his cake and eating it. I will always be grateful to her.

Hmm… I am clearly in the minority here, but why do I get the impression you’re enjoying this a little bit too much ?
Why do you feel such a burning desire to drop a bomb in his family life? Yes, of course he created the bomb but you would still be the one dropping it. His wife is none of your business really. It’s a shit situation I know, but is the anger you feel really all righteous indignation on the behalf of cheated-on wives everywhere, or is some of it your own frustration and hurt?

3 out 5 men you’ve dated turning out to be married is an astonishing rate, no one I know who’s online dated has experienced anything like that. This man’s wife aside - like PP’s have said, going for dramatic retribution will bring drama and perhaps danger into your life - and possibly your child’s. I would probably just be sitting down comparing what all these men had in common, so I could be a bit more alert in future and spot any married ones earlier.

Happy you’ve told the wife but I think reporting to his barracks is a bit far. He said in the heat of the moment and you’d be harming his wife by ruining his career in an instant. He deserves it but she doesn’t.

You should probably spend more time thinking about why you sent intimate videos and photos to a man you'd known a matter of weeks. That shows a shocking lack of judgment and maturity.

Tips? You are 47. Go offline and meet people in real life, there are so many clubs, activities, etc. Be realistic about biology, a 47-year old man, unfortunately, still a catch, still in his reproductive years, but a woman of 47 is not. Be realistic, adjust your target age group and don't waste your time online, get out there and be active. And be dignified. There should not be any intimate pictures or videos, at any age, for any gender.

Is it the 50s in here now?

Do me a favour! A 47 year old man is a ‘catch’ but a 47 year old woman isn’t?? Don’t make me laugh.