Tell his wife - why it should be a YES

[Fedup46]

Will try to keep this concise..

Dating a guy I met on Bumble for 6 weeks... unable to shake my gut instinct something was not right (sketchy phone receiving messages, calls never connected, last minute date confirmation, seemingly busy most weekends and just a feeling) , he's in the armed forces so I accepted contact would be potentially inconsistent. Last night I worked out he is very much married (very happily seemingly, looking at his wife social media) he lied about name, where located, where he'd been etc.... discovering the truth was almost impossible but I persevered with Google lens on a picture he sent me and the rest is history.

So I challenged him, lies until he realised there was no denying it. He then turned unexpectedly dark and said he had my intimate pics and videos so leave his wife alone.

I expect many readers will say no don't contact the wife and I unreservedly and unashamedly disagree. And it's vital that we do if this is happening to you.

I'm 47 and been online dating since 2021 trying to find love and monogamy with a man.

I have encountered 3 out of 5 men I have been involved with are lying, cheating married men with no intentions to leave wife and willingly, knowingly and brutally ruining my life and abusing the trust and union with their wife.

On all 3 occasions I have sensitively and genuinely contacted their wives to expose them and have been so relieved to be thanked without reservation for telling them.

This behaviour ruins lives, it is scarily common, especially in 40's and I am amazed when I hear or read negative comments about exposing them.

I hope this is received with the good intention I mean.

Something is seriously wrong with this culture of behavior from these men and attitude towards the 'other woman ' who is a victim as well and only wants to protect and give the truth to the wife - it's called humanity.

I'll leave this here. X ✌🏼❤️

That's very much your right to have your personal opinion and preference - but please don't judge me for that publicly! It's not something I should be ashamed of ! Why is being 47 of relevance? I'm a consenting adult .

That's ok 😉 appreciate your add on!

No, I'm not judging you! Or shaming you.

I just think it's unwise to leave oneself open to blackmail like that and I was surprised you didn't think so too, given that you're not 17. I am far older than you by the way.
I also didn't realize you had not shown your face in the pics, which is wise.

Good for you! I’m a big fan of telling the wife/partner. Someone told me and I am forever grateful to them. It is hard to learn that the person you trusted most in the world isn’t worthy of that trust, but it is good to know that you can start planning your life in full knowledge of the man your partner actually is, rather that what you want him to be.

@RickyGervaislovesdogs - “Secondly I’m surprised men go on bumble, pof if only interested in sex. There are sites they can go on purely for hook ups.”

You’re right there are sites for just hook OPs.

The reason men like those OP have encountered don’t use them is they aren’t looking for women with that outlook - confident women who know what they want and are not looking for a man to become involved with for anything more than sex.

Those men know they only want sex and will not give any more than that, but they go on dating sites and trick women who are looking for a relationship into believing that is what they want too. That way they get the attention, enthusiasm and warmth from someone who thinks they are starting a relationship rather than the perfunctory pleasantries of someone who also just wants sex. It’s about ego and control as much, if not more, than about sex.

No worries, I own what I did, it's very normal really 😉

Future faking I think it's called!? Well said and spot on comment x

I’d report him to his seniors. I don’t think I want an amoral, misogynistic, morally corrupt, duplicitous sociopath like that in a high ranking position in the Army.

I mean, I’m sure the armed forces are full of them, but one less is a win. Fucker.

I think you should report him to his superior officer and say you are doing so as a courtesy as you are also reporting him to the police, his church he holds a position at and informing his wife.

He’s threatened you so blow his whole fucking world apart. These men who treat women like trash and then get aggressive when they are called out deserve to be totally trashed themselves.

Good. I'm sorry you thought I was judging you.
Bloody hell, it's not normal for us Boomers.

All good love, really appreciate your feedback and support x

If he were to start sharing your photos as an act of revenge, that it a criminal act in the UK and he could be prosecuted for it. Given his occupation, he might do well to remember that.

And hopefully get his dick caught in a blender at the same time.

I'm shocked he did that, a desperate and very telling reaction. If he's so desperate to keep his wife....why the hell is he very actively pursuing and getting very involved with pretending to want a relationship ?

It's actually becoming very clear how serious this is - because he's gaslighted me for having suspicious ( the details are beyond belief) and knowingly subjected me to mentally abusive treatment, knowing what has happened to me in the past - it's actually really serious.

Hmmmm in two minds....

1. What do you have to gain by telling her?
2. Does telling his wife put you in danger- he has threatened you and you said he showed his true self.

It is completely reasonable to be angry about him lying to manipulate you and feeling use. Even though revenge sounds sweet now it will prolong the drama further. You haven't actually lost anything other than 6 weeks, but if you make an enemy of this

You don't need to justify whether you send intimate pictures of yourself, you did it in good faith and its common.

This is a very insecure man, who clearly feels threatened by you. If you want to tell someone I would tell the police, but they will want to know if you wish to proceed with something which again will prolong it.

As a cheated-on (ex) wife, I so wish someone had told me. I agree with you op. Hope you are ok.

Well he's a man, and this is what they do unfortunately. I'm the same age as you and I've given up on dating. I've had so many bad experiences that it's not safe and I'm too tired to do it anymore. I've resigned myself to being alone and to be honest, it means I won't have a man under my feet, it's very freeing. Decentering men is the best thing honestly.

Given the nature of his threats you could probably get him into some very big criminal trouble - and probably should. I honestly think it’s about time men like this are forced into accountability.

Just go to the police and take more care meeting random people on line

Well at the moment he’s committing blackmail. If he does do anything with those photos it’s revenge porn.

Agree OP, wife should be told. I hope she kicks him into touch.
The deception is shocking and he'll just carry on lying, bullying and threatening to get what he wants whenever he wants it. Hurting others is just a necessary consequence of having his needs met. He's already been caught before and is on his last chance with his wife, but he still won't stop.
Quite the double life he's leading there.

He sounds unhinged - are you safe?

Oh I'd be telling his employers, the police and his fucking church.

Let the fucker burn!

I find it extraordinary that given your experience you’re sharing photos/videos in short relationships like this.

It’s also very unhealthy to be looking at his wife’s social media. There’s no need for you to see any of her posts at all. Please move on.

I applaud you being on top and having the evidence and not bowing down to him, you have won.
No I would not tell his wife. I would walk away knowing the above and knowing this toxic a hole is out of my life. Like your gut feeling I have one his wife probably knows what he's about.

Are there any Facebook groups for your area where women can post photos of men on dating apps and get feedback from the group? These groups are common in Australia and literally every day there are women posting men they have been dating and have discovered to be married.

Don't be ridiculous. She has every right to deal with this turd of a man in the way she has.