Tell his wife - why it should be a YES

[Fedup46]

Will try to keep this concise..

Dating a guy I met on Bumble for 6 weeks... unable to shake my gut instinct something was not right (sketchy phone receiving messages, calls never connected, last minute date confirmation, seemingly busy most weekends and just a feeling) , he's in the armed forces so I accepted contact would be potentially inconsistent. Last night I worked out he is very much married (very happily seemingly, looking at his wife social media) he lied about name, where located, where he'd been etc.... discovering the truth was almost impossible but I persevered with Google lens on a picture he sent me and the rest is history.

So I challenged him, lies until he realised there was no denying it. He then turned unexpectedly dark and said he had my intimate pics and videos so leave his wife alone.

I expect many readers will say no don't contact the wife and I unreservedly and unashamedly disagree. And it's vital that we do if this is happening to you.

I'm 47 and been online dating since 2021 trying to find love and monogamy with a man.

I have encountered 3 out of 5 men I have been involved with are lying, cheating married men with no intentions to leave wife and willingly, knowingly and brutally ruining my life and abusing the trust and union with their wife.

On all 3 occasions I have sensitively and genuinely contacted their wives to expose them and have been so relieved to be thanked without reservation for telling them.

This behaviour ruins lives, it is scarily common, especially in 40's and I am amazed when I hear or read negative comments about exposing them.

I hope this is received with the good intention I mean.

Something is seriously wrong with this culture of behavior from these men and attitude towards the 'other woman ' who is a victim as well and only wants to protect and give the truth to the wife - it's called humanity.

I'll leave this here. X ✌🏼❤️

OP I agree with every word you say.
tell every time.
BUT
Check first, not after! eg. House visit, SM check, other checks before knickers off. No exceptions or excuses.

Well done you on trusting your gut.

I too have been at the end of the MN collective drivel and pile on. And I too was right.

Too many users on here are unkind and would rather brutally pull others down than listen and support.

@Fedup46

I’m afraid I’m in the no camp. But it depends.

If he had children, no I’d leave it.

I believe I had a father who behaved like this, and a very strong mother. I am one of three. My father died a few years ago. I think, as children - we would have been adversely affected had my parents split up. We’ve all been successful, with our own children and all three of us in long term secure relationships with our children’s Dads. We always had financial security (and we do now).

I have my mother to thank for how we are. I think she had to put up with a great deal, and ride a lot of storms. She is blissfully happy, and we visit her - we all get on, no family dramas.

I think you have to consider the lives of every single person when you reveal this info.

If no women were willing to have affairs and all women were open when a married man tries to or has an affair, just think how powerful that would make us and disempowered men would be. It would force them to be decent.

Good on you OP. I do think you should let the police know - this might be one of many similar things and god knows what else he might do if he feels empowered. But only if you feel safe enough.

Just for the record none of my male friends have cheated on their wives (it probably helps they are all ‘geeks’ rather than macho men). They are all lovely, kind and thoughtful men in that respect. None of them are perfect mind. But there are decent men out there that are not total bastards.

I would not contact anyone, I would say goodbye and block on everything. Trust me - the wife knows ! He has probably been forgiven a hundred times over. I would leave them to their mess.

…..And here is also the lesson not to send intimate pics or videos. You knew this guy for a matter of week and sent these things , that is not really smart.

YOU don't have to tell his wife.

He then turned unexpectedly dark and said he had my intimate pics and videos so leave his wife alone.

This is a crime, just report it to the police. If his wife finds out when the police show up about it then thats entirely on him.

I am a firm believer that anyone being cheated on should know but I'm concerned for your safety. You only knew this guy a few weeks, you say he knows your address and that you have a child. You have no idea what he's capable of.

I have grown up in a garrison town and from a young age we were told not to trust soldiers, that they were only after one thing. I know several and most have cheated on wives/partners so that has skewed my opinion of them, I dare say there are some great guys out there.

It's obviously up to you but stay as safe as you can.
And I do hope you find someone trustworthy in the near future.

I hope you reported him to the army too for threatening revenge porn. Scum bag.

I agree with telling the wife. Hiding it just protects the person having the affair. Yes it may not be taken well by the betrayed as they are traumatised but rather say it than protect someone who has no issues risking other peoples sexual health and no issue ruining people's lives

Wow. Just wow.

I have no words at this response 😱

As one of those wives, i'm begging you to tell her but in the kindest way you can.
It's bloody devastating but the bloke does not love her and she needs to know.
My DH was caught in an affair. I then found out he was registered on hook up websites, porn cam sites and porn sites.
It's very unlikely that you ate the only one he's traded his marriage in for.
He's acted like a real schmuck.

Find a way of informing her kindly.
And beware of any online friendship and dating sites, the people you meet there dont come with references.

Go to his church.
The sort of church that has elders will take an EXTREMELY dim view of his behaviour.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Such erudition

So devastating lives is acceptable?

I would be reporting him to the police for threatening you and using a false identity. What a scum bag. I would agree his wife deserves to know but don’t know if I’d be brave enough to do that.

😂

Joking aside, sending intimate pictures to someone you barely knew is a bit of an own goal. I get the whole 'don't shame me for being confident with my body' argument, I really do. But....those pictures are out in the ether forever. Nothing is ever really deleted. You didn't know this man or the other 2 married men before.

Better to spend that minute checking who they really are than taking a nude selfie, however unidentifiable. Be safe online.

Three out of five suggests a pattern. There's something about this kind of man that attracts you which bears a second thought.

Also worth a second thought is the sites you're looking at. Some of them have reputations for being full of shits.

So his wife and kids lose out still further by him snagging around.

Sorry you were so cruelly betrayed, but unless he was the only person you ever had sexual contact with (not just penetrative sex), it’s impossible to know that they gave you your HPV infection.

Completely with you OP on telling his wife. Totally the right thing to do. As for work, And telling his superiors, I wouldn't. And that's not for his sake, but his wife and any potential dc they have. If he loses his job, and she decides to divorce, depending on her circumstances you'd be leaving her financially vulnerable also. Allow her the time to screw him financially.

I say well done for finding out all the information you got about him. Even if he is high up in the army there will be people above him and you could contact them. Hopefully those senior staff will take action.I wish you all the best with your situation.

He then turned unexpectedly dark and said he had my intimate pics and videos so leave his wife alone

Yeah, I was seeing a man who within weeks wanted to take intimate pictures of me. He offered to leave my face out of them when I said No. he said it was a way of remembering me when we were apart ( which I found unconvincingly cheesy). He persisted over a couple of weeks in this request until I shut it down really, really firmly.

Turned out he was married too. When I found out suddenly the insistence on intimate pics made sense. Absolutely sure he would have used them to threaten me with if I tried to tell his wife. If a man wants such photos and then uses them for his own interests, this should be viewed as expected darkness.

He was a serial cheat too. Had an entire library of photos of women. Wouldn’t be surprised if he was part of some online community where they share such photos of women.

He seemed a really nice, gentle, kind, supportive, good guy too.

So no OP, it is never empowering for men to have intimidate pictures of you. You’ve actually given the power to them to do what they want with for the rest of their life.

its just part of this modern reframing of things that best serve men’s interests as ‘empowering for women’. As a general rule of thumb, if you are the one butt naked or in your pants, you are not the one with the power.

Firstly I am sorry this has happened to you.Men are absolute shits sometimes ,For people here saying you are "old enough to know better" and they would never date again. WTF? They have obviously not been alone at all! Use this to move on and learn from it .I would most defo let his wife know .She deserves that

OP - you say you felt something was off - trust your gut do the investigation before you start anything - I think re the photos - that’s fully your choice but maybe if you are thinking something is not right hold back until you are fully comfortable.

It's absolutely not normal nor wise.
Shows extremely poor judgement and a complete lack of boundaries.

Bizarre that women want LT stable relationships and think that 6 weeks in , with a virtual stranger, sending videos and pictures is going to achieve that.
At 6 weeks it's still at the dating stage
"Empowering" my arse!

I don't think it is at all. I had 7 out of 10. Most women don't bother about checking and believe the bullshit they are fed. You only have to see all the lists on here, everyday to realise this is very very common