Tell his wife - why it should be a YES

[Fedup46]

Will try to keep this concise..

Dating a guy I met on Bumble for 6 weeks... unable to shake my gut instinct something was not right (sketchy phone receiving messages, calls never connected, last minute date confirmation, seemingly busy most weekends and just a feeling) , he's in the armed forces so I accepted contact would be potentially inconsistent. Last night I worked out he is very much married (very happily seemingly, looking at his wife social media) he lied about name, where located, where he'd been etc.... discovering the truth was almost impossible but I persevered with Google lens on a picture he sent me and the rest is history.

So I challenged him, lies until he realised there was no denying it. He then turned unexpectedly dark and said he had my intimate pics and videos so leave his wife alone.

I expect many readers will say no don't contact the wife and I unreservedly and unashamedly disagree. And it's vital that we do if this is happening to you.

I'm 47 and been online dating since 2021 trying to find love and monogamy with a man.

I have encountered 3 out of 5 men I have been involved with are lying, cheating married men with no intentions to leave wife and willingly, knowingly and brutally ruining my life and abusing the trust and union with their wife.

On all 3 occasions I have sensitively and genuinely contacted their wives to expose them and have been so relieved to be thanked without reservation for telling them.

This behaviour ruins lives, it is scarily common, especially in 40's and I am amazed when I hear or read negative comments about exposing them.

I hope this is received with the good intention I mean.

Something is seriously wrong with this culture of behavior from these men and attitude towards the 'other woman ' who is a victim as well and only wants to protect and give the truth to the wife - it's called humanity.

I'll leave this here. X ✌🏼❤️

All this drama when the answer is " not for me"

It's really not healthy to go down this route
Just move on
You can't control other people and tbh all this tell his wife revenge stuff is toxic.
Work on your own boundaries first

I don’t see it as ‘revenge’ - I see it as solidarity. Imagine a world where women support and back women. If no woman knowingly got together with married men and all women always told the wife once they realised the man was married, think how powerful that makes women and how much power men loose. I’d always tell unless I was concerned that someone could get physically hurt.

As long as you are not at risk, I think telling the wife is absolutely the right thing to do.

I personally think it’s awesome you put your morals and values and what is right, before what is easiest. It’s not easy having that conversation with the wife but good for you.

I know Dot got the stats wrong and has been pretty awful…

But…

Have you seen ‘Promising Young Woman’ with Carey Mulligan? Dot’s post now has me picturing you as her! Taking down the
shitty men one by one, and their apologists. 💪 I won’t spoil the ending but great film.

100% agree with that.
if someone had told me that my husband was a cheater I would have avoided so much pain and gained so much time.
Ladies we should stick together. Solidarity and sisterhood!

Thanks CarleyBup - I'll have a look!

You're entitled to your opinion, but toxic for me is saying nothing and putting up and shutting up.

I have very clear boundaries and surely my actions scream that!?

You are not in receipt of all the details so I would ask you to control your 'toxic' response.

I have asked over 50 women known to me personally and the collective feedback from this post puts you and a few others in a very insignificant minority - overwhelmingly (assuming the motive is based on protecting, uniting and looking for support and empathy.. not bitching, divisive and ultimately telling for my own gains ) the opinion is YES tell their wife the truth of their situation

Candaceowens

Yes, when I first spoke to her on Monday afternoon she told me that she had given him a 2nd chance after finding out he cheated on her last year.

I didn't push for details because I don't need to know and very mindful that she knew my contact was for her benefit not mine.

I'm not sure what she's going to do - if I had to make a call on it..suspect she may continue her marriage with him. Her gushing tribute to him on his birthday a few days ago remains, I know if it were me the words she posted are so far from the truth about him I couldn't possibly have it up.

She was incredibly calm and seemed unsurprised on reflection - my heart was beating out my chest.

The fact remains that at least she knows and I feel like I have done right by her in the most sensitive way I could.

Christl78

Yaaaasss queen 👑!

Thank you!

You are absolutely seeing what I wanted. X

I'm so sorry that this happened to you too. You're not alone and solidarity is a strong and powerful thing - "sisters BEFORE misters" ❤️

This says it all.....

Re-read this a couple of times and at a loss as to how you have arrived at almost every statement you have made!?

"drama" ... If you mean upholding the integrity of my OP ?

"not healthy to go down this route" ... So "healthy" to accept it happened and just 'one of those things' ? Hell no - it's not about me PayYourselfFirst .. it's about the other woman - she's not just a wife... she's a human, a mother, aunt, sister and daughter and more .

"control other people" ? What? Where? When? ... aside giving other people the knowledge and ability to control their own outcomes!

"revenge"? You're getting boring and frankly undermining anything you say. Clearly not about revenge - suspect this is a pointless pursuit to admonish your ill conceived comments.

"work on my own boundaries first" ... steam coming out of my ears now! Utterly disgraceful feedback! Why don't you work on yours

Let's close this down.
Thank you for the overwhelming positive feedback in support of my original post which was to say... "Should I tell the wife? ...why it's should be a yes "

Yes, in the most sensitive and genuinely caring manner. If you find yourself in the situation where you discover the man you're involved with is a lying, cheating married man, then end it and if your research suggests a completely unaware wife - tell her the reality of her situation.

I am deeply damaged by my experience and I know that she is too. But... she's repeatedly thanked me and as gutting and devastating as it is, unreservedly is thankful I contacted her.

To those ( about 4 out of 300) that chose to ignore the reason and message I intended for good and instead tried to shame me for a couple of dramatically embellished or false, abundantly ignorant and frankly mysoginistic critique....jog on Karen's 🖕🏽

I second that. For those who find out they are with a married man OR even find out that a married man cheats please please please send at least an anonymous message to the wife. It saves time and pain. And sometimes lives. I went through an IVF cycle to fall pregnant. I lost the baby at 24 weeks gestation and I almost died. If I knew he had been cheating It would have saved me SO much pain amd would have left him so much earlier.

Agree wholeheartedly and more threads like this are needed. Female solidarity! I don’t like the use of ‘Karen’ though.

great thread. Thanks OP

@Fedup46

Hmm, I still stand by my stance that I never told my Mum that my Dad was cheating. I wanted to protect her and my family. I don’t think it is always a ‘yes’.

Also don’t like the word ‘Karen’. At all.

Er I think the thread was effectively ‘closed down’, was it not - by the fact no-one had responded to you for 5 whole days, before you came back on to sling a load of insults at people who happen to disagree with you?

You’re not doing a very good impression of someone who isn’t loving all this drama OP.

There was a recent thread about a woman who had told her friend of many years that her husband was cheating . The woman never spoke to her again . The poster then heard that the ex friend was terminally ill and sent best wishes only to receive a horrible letter in return .
Not every woman wants to know . I know someone who turns a blind eye as she isn’t prepared to give up her lifestyle.,

But at least they have the choice!

'Wasn't prepared to give up her lifestyle'.
I know lots of women who fall into that category, it doesn't mean there isn't a price to pay, we all choose which price we pay in the end.

Most men (not all) are scum bags!

ShinyPebble32

The thread might have been inactive, but that doesn’t invalidate my right to post a closing statement.

Disagreeing is fine, but I won’t accept being insulted for sharing my perspective. I'm not here for drama.