Tell his wife - why it should be a YES

[Fedup46]

Will try to keep this concise..

Dating a guy I met on Bumble for 6 weeks... unable to shake my gut instinct something was not right (sketchy phone receiving messages, calls never connected, last minute date confirmation, seemingly busy most weekends and just a feeling) , he's in the armed forces so I accepted contact would be potentially inconsistent. Last night I worked out he is very much married (very happily seemingly, looking at his wife social media) he lied about name, where located, where he'd been etc.... discovering the truth was almost impossible but I persevered with Google lens on a picture he sent me and the rest is history.

So I challenged him, lies until he realised there was no denying it. He then turned unexpectedly dark and said he had my intimate pics and videos so leave his wife alone.

I expect many readers will say no don't contact the wife and I unreservedly and unashamedly disagree. And it's vital that we do if this is happening to you.

I'm 47 and been online dating since 2021 trying to find love and monogamy with a man.

I have encountered 3 out of 5 men I have been involved with are lying, cheating married men with no intentions to leave wife and willingly, knowingly and brutally ruining my life and abusing the trust and union with their wife.

On all 3 occasions I have sensitively and genuinely contacted their wives to expose them and have been so relieved to be thanked without reservation for telling them.

This behaviour ruins lives, it is scarily common, especially in 40's and I am amazed when I hear or read negative comments about exposing them.

I hope this is received with the good intention I mean.

Something is seriously wrong with this culture of behavior from these men and attitude towards the 'other woman ' who is a victim as well and only wants to protect and give the truth to the wife - it's called humanity.

I'll leave this here. X ✌🏼❤️

Absolutely none of your business and completely irrelevant to the point of the post.

Also, I’d report him to the police for that. He’s threatening revenge porn and I bet it’s not his first time.

Creepy.

This! Shame on you @DotAndCarryOne2 !!! Your posts are a disgrace.

😂

His wife told me she discovered him cheating last year. As I've seemingly not achieved getting the point across that she was fully supportive of my contacting her for some viewers!? I'll reiterate the clear message that she was grateful - THE WHOLE POINT OF THE POST!

I'm reluctant to contact any authorities to report the shortlived blackmail attempt on the basis he quickly deleted the threat of potentially sharing my pictures. It was a desperate and kneejerk reaction to the realisation he was completely unable to get away with his deceit . He has messaged me a very disingenuous and vanilla apology. Pic below..

Just ridiculous !

1. You have not read the full thread. I have had a subsequent conversation with the OP.
2. Read the first line: "This man is scum".

No, I'm not blaming her instead of him.
Lastly, try not to finish a statement with a question mark. Those are for questions.

Oh give over, you knew what you were doing.

You are 47. Why did you send a man whom you have been seeing for 6 weeks intimate pics and vids? I can hardly believe you did that.

Sounds like it could be my husband. I think he is doing this. Yes, I would want to know .

I did not ask to describe the pictures, merely to define her take on 'tasteful'.

@Fedup46

Can I ask? When I was 20 : I knew my Dad was cheating on my Mum. I never told her and never will.

Was I wrong?

You're being pedantic, this isn't the NSO. . Small sample or not there'll be commonalities, even at this point.

🙄

I think that is a very different circumstance and given it wasn't you being in the relationship it wasn't exactly your place to tell. Gosh, that must have been very difficult for you - I hope you were able to manage at the time xx

@Fedup46

Thank you Xx Yes - it was upsetting. I think my stance was to protect my Mum, and I didn’t want a grenade to go off in my family.
I also think my Mum knew. A little while later, my Mum slept in a separate room from my Dad. They also were quite separate in the house - different rooms to watch tele etc.
Except I don’t think Mum was unhappy or even putting a brave face on it. She had separate interests.
I think maybe that experience makes me think - it’s not always a yes. I think it depends. Maybe by default, you’re also telling the child/children who may absolutely not want that grenade to go off.

But I also don’t think it’s a weakness on the part of my Mum, she was strong. It was a weakness on the part of my Dad that she chose to cope with.

Absolutely not blaming her for his actions. Don’t care about the photos either - as a previous poster accused me of questioning OP’s morals. The only point I was making was that they may have been anonymous to anyone else, but this man knows it’s her, and from her description of his behaviour since she outed him, she’s put herself at risk.

OP has now encountered this four times out of six. That suggests the possibility she’s actively looking for these scumbags to out them. Equally it could be that after the first encounter she hasn’t taken steps to protect herself, and by the time she’s encountered scumbag number four she’s at the stage where he knows her address after just six weeks of contact. Her OP made it clear that she was concerned that he knew where she and her child lived, because his mood changed when she found him out. I’m neither a handmaiden or a man - just trying to apply some common sense to the situation. The reality is that she’s putting herself and her child at risk every time she does this. Yes, these mens’ wives deserve to know the shitty way they’re being treated. But when you’re dealing with men you hardly know and intent on outing them you have to consider your own safety - not to mention that of the wife, because you really don’t know how these men are going to react when they’re confronted.

All you amateur psychologists out there judging me for having an opinion and erring on the side of caution, have a look back through the thread - I’m not the only poster who thinks like this, but as usual on MN if you have a different opinion you invite a pile on. Anyway you can pack away your analysis of my motives, because I’m out. Terrible thread.

This has been a lively debate but unfollowing now as all the discussion of OP’s tasteful-yet-headless nudes is giving me mental images I don’t want 🤣

I was talking to someone who has been in the army and apparently if this man behaves badly and the army get told he could be in serious trouble as it would question his integrity. Blackmailing is an issue that the army apparently take seriously so if he causes you any more problems just advise him you will be letting the army know and most likely he would want to backdown and any future promotion would not be considered. It could even be gross misconduct in which case he would end up dismissed dishonourably so to me it looks like you could cause serious hassle for him which of course he would want to avoid. All the best anyway and I was pleased to be told that information. I think this could be helpful to you. He sounds like a terrible man and I would not want him being in a senior role in the army. Best wishes.

Your comprehension seems to be lacking. The point is not that commonalities can't exist, but that any commonalities in such a small sample size are meaningless and in most cases are coincidental. They don't prove anything.

Now if, for example, she had dated a hundred men from OLD and and sixty of them turned out to be married, that would more likely mean that there are a hell of a lot of married men on OLD apps, which there certainly are, rather than her being some kind of magnet to married men. Married men aren't targeting a particular type of woman on OLD. They're going for pretty much anyone they can get.

You came up with a bogus conclusion just to find a way to blame the OP. That's the truth of it.

If I was going to I'd have been more forthright.

Take your assumptions elsewhere

Where are you getting your numbers from? ... and why are you changing the stats ? - to bolster your unnecessary and completely off the point criticism of me??

It beggars bloody belief ! - 4 out of 6 is just not what I said.

Since 2021 I have dated 5 men ...3 of which turned out to be married men with no intentions to leave their wives and I discovered the truth..to give you the breakdown for you to get to work on ...
I dated the first for 2 years, the second for 2 weeks and the most recent for 6 weeks.

The most recent was the final straw that prompted my OP - incidentally his wife has messaged me twice today to ask for more information and still very thankful I contacted her despite how utterly distraught she is - we both cried and are meeting this weekend.

Please stop your untrue and downright unhelpful and critical comments... I set out to raise awareness and frankly so disappointed with a handful of horrid responses but also thankfully really heart warmed by a lot of support and defense in my honour x

XChrome .... you are wonderful and thank you x

DotAndCarryOne2

Reading your posts again and hope you have left this "terrible thread" that you have been so active on.

There is so much I want to say but tired after a late shift at work.... my "child " your assumption with absolutely no reference from me is nearly 18! ..

I said I'm a single mum, not an irresponsible, dating whore that's firing off nude pictures whilst I look for married men only on dating sites because I just can't help myself from learning nothing from past experiences, willfully self sabotaging like some kind of ignorant and senseless, mentally unstable old bint.

You know nothing of the details and intricacies of my situation and you're absolutely everything I can't stand about these forums.

Please just stop and accept you have missed the point, posted untruths for whatever purpose you need to feel like you are above me - I feel sorry for you

OP toxic people are often toxic because they lack self awareness. No amount of explaining and reasoning will change that so it's best to ignore them.

I often measure things in terms of harm caused.

Sending photos = not for harmful intention or breaking the law.
Using those photos/any photo to bribe or blackmail = harmful intention and breaking the law.
Therefore the fault lies with the person who is causing the harm. You focus on the latter, not the former.