Tell his wife - why it should be a YES

[Fedup46]

Will try to keep this concise..

Dating a guy I met on Bumble for 6 weeks... unable to shake my gut instinct something was not right (sketchy phone receiving messages, calls never connected, last minute date confirmation, seemingly busy most weekends and just a feeling) , he's in the armed forces so I accepted contact would be potentially inconsistent. Last night I worked out he is very much married (very happily seemingly, looking at his wife social media) he lied about name, where located, where he'd been etc.... discovering the truth was almost impossible but I persevered with Google lens on a picture he sent me and the rest is history.

So I challenged him, lies until he realised there was no denying it. He then turned unexpectedly dark and said he had my intimate pics and videos so leave his wife alone.

I expect many readers will say no don't contact the wife and I unreservedly and unashamedly disagree. And it's vital that we do if this is happening to you.

I'm 47 and been online dating since 2021 trying to find love and monogamy with a man.

I have encountered 3 out of 5 men I have been involved with are lying, cheating married men with no intentions to leave wife and willingly, knowingly and brutally ruining my life and abusing the trust and union with their wife.

On all 3 occasions I have sensitively and genuinely contacted their wives to expose them and have been so relieved to be thanked without reservation for telling them.

This behaviour ruins lives, it is scarily common, especially in 40's and I am amazed when I hear or read negative comments about exposing them.

I hope this is received with the good intention I mean.

Something is seriously wrong with this culture of behavior from these men and attitude towards the 'other woman ' who is a victim as well and only wants to protect and give the truth to the wife - it's called humanity.

I'll leave this here. X ✌🏼❤️

any pics I have shared are very tasteful!
defined as?

Absolutely the wife should be told.
Those saying don’t or that would devastate lives are either very naive or cheat themselves.

The rate of married men on dating apps is staggering. As a PP said, they don’t go on the hook up sites because they want a woman who will give them the sex and the girlfriend experience so their egos can be stroked. Once they get past 40 they get worse. It’s an epidemic.

Ignore the ‘well you sent pics, it’s your fault’ - what he did was threaten revenge porn. Which is a crime. If more men were held to account for this, fewer would resort to it when their rat tails get caught.

Stop looking at the wife’s social media and next time you get a gut instinct end things there and then.

As to how to find a decent man, the poster claiming that a 47 year old man is a catch and a 47 year old woman is past it is chatting nonsense. Only men think this. Most often the ones with unwashed arses, uncut toenails, a hairline on the run and a paunch to match their audacity.

Online dating has changed rapidly in the last few years and the success stories are fewer and further between so I do agree that real life is a better option.
The relationships I know that have started in the last couple of years have been people who met friends of friends or at a hobby.

The pool is a lot smaller so it takes longer, unfortunately.

Online dating is really only useful to find no strings hook ups - which Feeld etc does with more honesty at least - or to confirm celibacy as a sensible choice.

The wife knows he's a cheating bastard - he was caught last year having an affair with a different woman. Why are you just ignoring all the women here saying they'd want to know or how they were grateful when they were told. I was devastated when I was told, life blown to smithereens but so so glad to find out.

3 out 5 men you’ve dated turning out to be married is an astonishing rate, no one I know who’s online dated has experienced anything like that.

You mean they haven't discovered that they've experienced it.

Sorry, off-topic, but what does Google Lens do, and how does it help with "detection"?

The OP has every right to signpost it. She has every right to share her truth and to warn another woman that this man is not a good man, will not act in her family’s best interests, and will not put her or their children first. It is also entirely reasonable to want satisfaction when you have been lied to and used for sex - when you have consented to an intimate relationship that you would never have consented to otherwise. The names of these lying, coercive, cheaters should be sung from the roof tops, not hid under a rock away from their next unsuspecting victim, and I absolutely applaud the OP for giving another woman the information she needs to make informed decisions about her future.

The OP also has a child and has disclosed that this man knew where they lived. As l posted upthread l think there is more to this than meets the eye. OP seems to have gone to a lot of trouble to expose this man as a cheat, not to mention the other three she encountered. It sounds exhausting and l would think that for most people one experience like this would be enough to convince them to find another dating site. There’s a zealousness that’s quite disturbing. It feels like OP is on a mission, and in the process is engaging in risky online behaviour without much attention to her own safety or that of her child.

I agree that you did the right thing telling the man's wife, but I think you would be going much too far to report him to work. It's one thing knowing that you've probably broken up his marriage but quite another to possibly affect his career, particularly assuming that he's likely to be a similar age to you and would have trouble starting again at his age if he was to lose his job. I agree he had behaved despicably in cheating on his wife and lying to you, and I would want to know if I was his wife, but I don't understand why anyone would put themselves in a position of being open to possible revenge porn by letting anyone have intimate pictures or videos, whether or not heads/fannies were included.

He deserves it, but it will end up impacting how much maintenance any children get if he loses his job.

I had the opposite view to you and never really thought about it - but you are 100% right. Totally changed my mind, and in the wife's shoes I'd want to know. It's not about revenge it's about not enabling people who are hurting their families and the people they date. How did culture end up like this judging the 'other woman' and keeping nasty guy's secrets.

If he is in the armed forces, report his conduct and blackmail to the military police as well.

Victim blaming much? If his wife can't trust him, why should the armed forces? Do you want someone like that protecting your country? The only reason I wouldn't immediately report him is if the wife has children because they deserve maintenance. She didn't break up his marriage, HE did. She isn't considering ruining his career, HE behaved in a way that isn't befitting of his career. She didn't put herself in any position regarding revenge porn, HE is the one threatening her. Give your head a massive wobble.

Please stop posting this rubbish advice.

This is a civil matter not a military matter. IF and its a big IF the police take it forward, they will report to the military.

Professional standards and vetting would definitely be interested!

The OP hasn’t exactly covered herself in glory either. Her online behaviour is risky and she has made no effort to protect her own child. She met a man online a few weeks ago, sent him intimate pictures of herself and he knows where she lives - suggesting that she’s brought him to the home she shares with a child. And if his mood turned dark so quickly, then ‘sharing her truth’ should come second to the safety of the wife she is so eager to tell about her lying cheating shit of a husband - about whom OP knows very little and so has no way of knowing how much of a threat he is to his wife when the shit hits the fan.

I agree but depending on circumstances, I’m not sure I’d always be brave enough, or want to get involved in drama..

It searches for the image on the Internet.

Professional standards, do you mean core values?

Vetting would make a note but unlikely to change much tbh.

The MOD will not impact someone's career without a conviction if it is a criminal matter. Revenge porn is a criminal matter.

There will be no consequences if a case isn't proven against him. A case can only be proven if the civilian police pursue charges, which is highly unlikely in this case.

Not sure why this is so hard to understand.

The military is not like telling a teacher and you get detention!!

It's not your age it's the length of time you've known them!

You are now aware how difficult it is to find someone trustworthy - and this one threatened to publish your pictures. What if they don't tell you and just do it?

Wait till you really know them

I can guarantee if this happened to him, he would without hesitation tell the cheated on wife. Men always do. It’s only women who are told to ‘think about the impact on his wife and family.’
Men like this are scum.

Thanks, so it's just a reverse image search?

Shut up. What nonsense are you spouting with that?!

No worries, I own what I did, it's very normal really

Is it?😞

I know. I have never seen so many evil married men as the ones here on this isle.

The 'you shouldn't run someone's life' is a non argument, pretty much used by cheaters because they think their partner to be 'sensitive/ weak/ vulnerable/ stupid'. When they're merrily using their spouse.

1. That life is already (probably) a lie. That life of an adoring, honest spouse doesn't really exist.
2. Someone's health is on the line.
3. Someone's security is on shakey ground.

You cannot ruin a life that has already been shredded to pieces by someone's spouse, its already a mess. Sure, don't expect some sort of best friends scenario or gratefulness. But if you find out you are the other woman/ man you're going to be hurt and betrayed, but you haven't been as spectacularly mistreated.

Then again, some people are happy to turn their eyes from abuse, violence etc.