Messages to another woman

CrazyDiamond30 · 2024-09-09T08:27:20+00:00

Hi. I got a message from a girl last night, showing me that my partner of 2.5 years has been messaging her. He was saying how he used to have 'a thing' for her and going into detail about how attractive she is. It's a bit more gross than that to be honest, but I'll leave it at that. Turns out that it was on two separate nights, when he was out with friends. I'm genuinely shocked as I never ever thought he would do anything even like this. He's apologised and said there was no reason why he's done it, and that he will do 'all it takes' to make it up to me. If I read this from anyone else, or heard this from a friend, I'd be saying to absolutely get rid. In my experience, even if you don't consider this 'cheating', it's a path to it or it's at least broken trust for years and years to come. I think because I'm in the thick of it, I can't think straight. Any advice would be welcome

autism07 · 09/09/2024 09:31

Was he drunk? Encouraged by friend? Not that this is acceptable, just thinking if it's unusual there could be a simple explanation.
For me I would have lost trust and now feel uneasy when he was out, on his phone etc.
it doesn't take much for the doubts to set in.

Original poster

CrazyDiamond30 · 09/09/2024 09:39

autism07 · 09/09/2024 09:31

Was he drunk? Encouraged by friend? Not that this is acceptable, just thinking if it's unusual there could be a simple explanation.
For me I would have lost trust and now feel uneasy when he was out, on his phone etc.
it doesn't take much for the doubts to set in.

He was drunk both times yes. He said he didn't mention it to any of his friends.
My issue is - I don't know if it's out of character, maybe he's always been like this 🤷🏻‍♀️ I'd have no way of knowing.

He was messaging me saying goodnight whilst messaging her.

I also thought the same. I know I definitely wouldn't be able to trust him on a night out again, but I'm not sure if I could ever trust him in general either

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LoopyLou67 · 09/09/2024 09:39

You know who he is now, and I don’t think you’ll be able to trust him going out again

Whatisyourfavouriteflower · 09/09/2024 09:41

It sounds as though he is actively seeking to cheat on you even if he hasn't done so already.

This woman told you about the messages to her. You don't know what he has done when out with his friends if he sees being out with them as an opportunity to approach other women, either by messages or actually in person.

I would not trust him going forward.

Changeyourfuckingcar · 09/09/2024 09:43

Oh that’s absolutely gutting. How awful, especially as it was over two nights so it’s not even like it could be argued it was an incredibly stupid drunken mistake that he deeply regrets. I don’t think I could ever trust him again, I certainly wouldn’t see him in the same way as I did before.
Also, and I’m sorry to say this, who knows if this was the first time, but it seems terribly unlikely that the very first time he messages another woman inappropriately, she happens to send you the messages. How many more just ignored and deleted or, possibly, entertained it?

Sartre · 09/09/2024 09:45

What would he have done if the woman in question was keen and messaged back asking to meet and so on? That’s the sort of thing you need to be asking yourself. This only didn’t lead to anything further because the woman had no interest.

DadJoke · 09/09/2024 09:48

Has he given you full access to his phone and browser history?

Mrsttcno1 · 09/09/2024 09:52

I would walk away over this to be honest, especially after only 2.5 years and I’m assuming not married, no kids together. Things like this have a funny way of repeating and escalating, rather get a clean break now than try to move past it and end up battling to leave down the line with divorce and children, co parenting with him for the rest of your life.

Original poster

CrazyDiamond30 · 09/09/2024 09:56

Changeyourfuckingcar · 09/09/2024 09:43

Oh that’s absolutely gutting. How awful, especially as it was over two nights so it’s not even like it could be argued it was an incredibly stupid drunken mistake that he deeply regrets. I don’t think I could ever trust him again, I certainly wouldn’t see him in the same way as I did before.
Also, and I’m sorry to say this, who knows if this was the first time, but it seems terribly unlikely that the very first time he messages another woman inappropriately, she happens to send you the messages. How many more just ignored and deleted or, possibly, entertained it?

Thank you, I am gutted. These are my thoughts exactly... how do I know what he's done before ...

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Original poster

CrazyDiamond30 · 09/09/2024 09:57

Sartre · 09/09/2024 09:45

What would he have done if the woman in question was keen and messaged back asking to meet and so on? That’s the sort of thing you need to be asking yourself. This only didn’t lead to anything further because the woman had no interest.

This is exactly what I said to him. "If she had said 'meet up with me', what would have happened then?"

He obviously said he wouldn't have done...

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Original poster

CrazyDiamond30 · 09/09/2024 09:57

DadJoke · 09/09/2024 09:48

Has he given you full access to his phone and browser history?

No, in fairness I haven't asked. But surely he will have deleted anything anyway.. he told me he deleted those messages

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Original poster

CrazyDiamond30 · 09/09/2024 09:59

Mrsttcno1 · 09/09/2024 09:52

I would walk away over this to be honest, especially after only 2.5 years and I’m assuming not married, no kids together. Things like this have a funny way of repeating and escalating, rather get a clean break now than try to move past it and end up battling to leave down the line with divorce and children, co parenting with him for the rest of your life.

This is a good point!

We do both have children from previous relationships. To be honest, that's going to hit hard splitting them up.

We don't currently live together though so it wouldn't be moving out etc.

I also know that 2.5 years doesn't sound a great deal. Funnily enough, the exact same thing happened with my child's dad of 10 years marriage. Maybe it's me 🙃🙃🙃

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goody2shooz · 09/09/2024 10:02

@CrazyDiamond30 NO - it’s not you. It’s him/your ex. They were just chasing around like a couple of dogs. Nothing about it was your ‘fault’. Ditch that thought along with the crappy blokes.

Mrsttcno1 · 09/09/2024 10:04

CrazyDiamond30 · 09/09/2024 09:59

This is a good point!

We do both have children from previous relationships. To be honest, that's going to hit hard splitting them up.

We don't currently live together though so it wouldn't be moving out etc.

I also know that 2.5 years doesn't sound a great deal. Funnily enough, the exact same thing happened with my child's dad of 10 years marriage. Maybe it's me 🙃🙃🙃

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In that situation I would genuinely leave, I value my own peace and mental health far too much to stay with a partner that I have to worry about every time they leave the house. That seed of doubt has been planted now and will only grow every time he’s late home from work, or hides his phone, or goes on a night out, it drives you crazy to be filled with that kind of anxiety all the time. Walk away while it’s still easy (practically as in no joint finances/kids/marriage) to do so x

Original poster

CrazyDiamond30 · 09/09/2024 10:08

goody2shooz · 09/09/2024 10:02

@CrazyDiamond30 NO - it’s not you. It’s him/your ex. They were just chasing around like a couple of dogs. Nothing about it was your ‘fault’. Ditch that thought along with the crappy blokes.

😩 thank you. It's just such a knock on your confidence

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Original poster

CrazyDiamond30 · 09/09/2024 10:09

Mrsttcno1 · 09/09/2024 10:04

In that situation I would genuinely leave, I value my own peace and mental health far too much to stay with a partner that I have to worry about every time they leave the house. That seed of doubt has been planted now and will only grow every time he’s late home from work, or hides his phone, or goes on a night out, it drives you crazy to be filled with that kind of anxiety all the time. Walk away while it’s still easy (practically as in no joint finances/kids/marriage) to do so x

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That is what I'm thinking to be honest. It's just that everything else was so good, and I think that's what I'm clinging to. But I've been through this before and I know how it makes you feel with that person, forever

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Mrsttcno1 · 09/09/2024 10:17

CrazyDiamond30 · 09/09/2024 10:09

That is what I'm thinking to be honest. It's just that everything else was so good, and I think that's what I'm clinging to. But I've been through this before and I know how it makes you feel with that person, forever

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My mum always tells me that if someone gave you a box of Malteasers and then told you that 1 of them was actually poo wrapped in milk chocolate you’d probably throw the box away rather than risk eating the bad one. I’d apply that here as well, there may be other good things, but this one bad thing is enough to spoil it all!

Original poster

CrazyDiamond30 · 09/09/2024 10:19

Mrsttcno1 · 09/09/2024 10:17

My mum always tells me that if someone gave you a box of Malteasers and then told you that 1 of them was actually poo wrapped in milk chocolate you’d probably throw the box away rather than risk eating the bad one. I’d apply that here as well, there may be other good things, but this one bad thing is enough to spoil it all!

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Wow 😩😩😩😩😩 good advice. I think I'm basically needing multiple people to tell me to trust my gut

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Blanca87 · 09/09/2024 10:19

the thing is you will never really know if everything else was good. he created an illusion of everything being great but it’s just optics to cover the fact he is a creepy bastard.
you sound like a prize , get rid of him to make room for someone else who deserves to win your heart.

Wineandcupcakes · 09/09/2024 10:22

Ach op, you dint even live together, and clearly if she’d said yes, he’d have been there. He only hasn’t cheated as she said no. And I’d bet good money there’s been other women he’s tried it on with. Seriously when your relationship is so bad you need other women to say no to your boyfriend to keep him faithful you need to get out.

thiscantbemylife · 09/09/2024 10:22

This is earth shattering in a relationship. I am so sorry OP but you can’t trust him anymore. You don’t know what you haven’t seen and he’s taken the deleting and minimising route, there will likely have been more you don’t know about.

Take it from me and others. He’s sorry he got caught and will only hide it better.

They say when you get on the wrong train get off at the first stop.

DeCaray · 09/09/2024 10:23

'that he will do 'all it takes' to make it up to me.'

Translation -

'I'll make damn sure I won't get caught again and will be more discreet.'

MrsDoylesLipstick · 09/09/2024 10:26

If your relationship is good and he's doing this, what will he do during a bad patch?
This will be the first woman that's told you, not the first he's messaged.
Trust your gut. Xx

iwantaflamingo · 09/09/2024 10:46

My heart breaks reading this
PLEASE don't stay with this man. I am in a very similar situation. I stayed because I was pregnant with our second child when I found out.
My heart aches everyday but I don't have the strength to have him removed from my house (he refuses to leave) I thought I could live with it but 18months later I look back and realise I should have 'struck whilst the iron was hot' and kicked him out in anger. I'm not angry anymore. That's gone away, I'm just sad and miserable and stuck.

Original poster

CrazyDiamond30 · 09/09/2024 10:51

Blanca87 · 09/09/2024 10:19

the thing is you will never really know if everything else was good. he created an illusion of everything being great but it’s just optics to cover the fact he is a creepy bastard.
you sound like a prize , get rid of him to make room for someone else who deserves to win your heart.

Very true... And hits hard. Thank you so much

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