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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Messages to another woman

196 replies

CrazyDiamond30 · 09/09/2024 09:27

Hi. I got a message from a girl last night, showing me that my partner of 2.5 years has been messaging her.

He was saying how he used to have 'a thing' for her and going into detail about how attractive she is. It's a bit more gross than that to be honest, but I'll leave it at that.

Turns out that it was on two separate nights, when he was out with friends.

I'm genuinely shocked as I never ever thought he would do anything even like this.

He's apologised and said there was no reason why he's done it, and that he will do 'all it takes' to make it up to me.

If I read this from anyone else, or heard this from a friend, I'd be saying to absolutely get rid.

In my experience, even if you don't consider this 'cheating', it's a path to it or it's at least broken trust for years and years to come.

I think because I'm in the thick of it, I can't think straight. Any advice would be welcome

OP posts:
Original poster
CrazyDiamond30 · 09/09/2024 10:53

thiscantbemylife · 09/09/2024 10:22

This is earth shattering in a relationship. I am so sorry OP but you can’t trust him anymore. You don’t know what you haven’t seen and he’s taken the deleting and minimising route, there will likely have been more you don’t know about.

Take it from me and others. He’s sorry he got caught and will only hide it better.

They say when you get on the wrong train get off at the first stop.

Edited

The train... Yep I definitely see that. Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
CrazyDiamond30 · 09/09/2024 10:53

MrsDoylesLipstick · 09/09/2024 10:26

If your relationship is good and he's doing this, what will he do during a bad patch?
This will be the first woman that's told you, not the first he's messaged.
Trust your gut. Xx

Very good point

OP posts:
Original poster
CrazyDiamond30 · 09/09/2024 10:54

iwantaflamingo · 09/09/2024 10:46

My heart breaks reading this
PLEASE don't stay with this man. I am in a very similar situation. I stayed because I was pregnant with our second child when I found out.
My heart aches everyday but I don't have the strength to have him removed from my house (he refuses to leave) I thought I could live with it but 18months later I look back and realise I should have 'struck whilst the iron was hot' and kicked him out in anger. I'm not angry anymore. That's gone away, I'm just sad and miserable and stuck.

😩 yeah I almost envision a future being like that if I stayed. I've been there before too. Don't know why it feels hard to pull off this band aid

OP posts:
iwantaflamingo · 09/09/2024 10:57

I keep telling myself short term pain for long term gain.
Where the strength will come from for this I have no idea.

Opentooffers · 09/09/2024 11:01

Good on the woman for giving you full disclosure. It shows he is actually quite creepy and has no filter to be sending unsolicited stuff to a woman who has clearly never encouraged him.
For a woman showing interest, it proves he'd take it a lot further. Take this as a warning that you cannot trust him. Without trust, there is misery.
It's good you don't live together.

Original poster
CrazyDiamond30 · 09/09/2024 11:03

iwantaflamingo · 09/09/2024 10:57

I keep telling myself short term pain for long term gain.
Where the strength will come from for this I have no idea.

If it's any consolation, I went through this with my daughter's dad. It was very, very hard but it did become fine. For me, it was just learning to be 'myself' again without him. So I know it will be fine in this situation too... Sending hugs 💐

OP posts:
MsLavender · 09/09/2024 11:03

I'd sooner forgive a drunken kiss in a club than messages because I can see how a kiss can "just happen" in a stupid moment.

Messages, twice, would indicate he has form for it. I can't count the amount of messages from men I've had who have partners on social media and whenever I've mentioned these men to other women at least one or two had messages from the same man too. Honestly seems that every guy who is into messaging people like that seems to be doing it to numerous women in my experience.

Original poster
CrazyDiamond30 · 09/09/2024 11:18

MsLavender · 09/09/2024 11:03

I'd sooner forgive a drunken kiss in a club than messages because I can see how a kiss can "just happen" in a stupid moment.

Messages, twice, would indicate he has form for it. I can't count the amount of messages from men I've had who have partners on social media and whenever I've mentioned these men to other women at least one or two had messages from the same man too. Honestly seems that every guy who is into messaging people like that seems to be doing it to numerous women in my experience.

Yeah, agree with this. I think I'm officially at the stage where I think all men are the same...

OP posts:
Original poster
CrazyDiamond30 · 09/09/2024 11:19

Just to say to everyone - thank you all for your responses and support

OP posts:
onwardsup4 · 09/09/2024 11:29

No it's not you it's definitely him. Awful isn't it , feels like you never knew them at all.
It really is a knock to the confidence in so many ways, feels like your judge of character is absolutely shit!
It's not your fault though. You will never forget he did this and he'd have to do alot of work and it would take a long time if ever for you to trust him again.

Original poster
CrazyDiamond30 · 09/09/2024 11:52

onwardsup4 · 09/09/2024 11:29

No it's not you it's definitely him. Awful isn't it , feels like you never knew them at all.
It really is a knock to the confidence in so many ways, feels like your judge of character is absolutely shit!
It's not your fault though. You will never forget he did this and he'd have to do alot of work and it would take a long time if ever for you to trust him again.

Exactly this! And thank you.
Yeah it's actually going to be really hard to leave him but I don't think I could get through the work.. I don't think id overcome it

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 09/09/2024 13:01

Everyone has different boundaries but for me once they start doing things they need to hide from you, that’s the start of cheating even if nothing physical has happened.

BrickHam · 09/09/2024 13:16

I imagine many men and women in relationships cast an admiring eye over people they find attractive who aren’t their partner, I think thats normal. But acting upon it isn’t.

Catandsquirrel · 09/09/2024 13:25

I'm so sorry about this. 2.5 years IS substantial and it absolutely isn't you. But I would probably leave this here rather than giving chances. You don't live together or have kids etc and he did this twice (that you know of). It wasn't a one off mistake. It's great that the other lady contacted you. But like others have said, what would he honestly have done if she had been receptive?

It's so hard but if he's sending these sorts of messages then he's got one eye elsewhere whatever he says now and I think you deserve better. you say the messages were 'gross' as well, does this mean sexual or emotional? He really shouldn't be sending either. It's not acceptable. Not twice. I would be quite forgiving of a one off, spur of the moment pissed up kiss with a stranger, so I'm in not exactly zero tolerance of mistakes but he has sought out this woman's contacts, messaged her in detail and gone back. That shows intent to me.

smithy6 · 09/09/2024 13:37

Id end it to be honest. Trust is gone and if he doesn’t live with you, you won’t have a clue what he is up to when you are not around.

Original poster
CrazyDiamond30 · 09/09/2024 13:42

Thank you all for your replies. He's said that it was basically self sabotage (which I heard/had with my ex as well) and that he has no feelings for, or intent with her.
I'm really confused at the moment, most probably because I'm hearing him out rather than giving it space, but it's obviously very raw.
This one is hard because, I thought we were really close and doing well, and it came as a complete shock as opposed to previous relationships where I've had suspicions etc. maybe it just feels like a 'better' relationship just because I didn't suspect. He's obviously good at cover ups

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 09/09/2024 14:00

CrazyDiamond30 · 09/09/2024 13:42

Thank you all for your replies. He's said that it was basically self sabotage (which I heard/had with my ex as well) and that he has no feelings for, or intent with her.
I'm really confused at the moment, most probably because I'm hearing him out rather than giving it space, but it's obviously very raw.
This one is hard because, I thought we were really close and doing well, and it came as a complete shock as opposed to previous relationships where I've had suspicions etc. maybe it just feels like a 'better' relationship just because I didn't suspect. He's obviously good at cover ups

I think you need to get some space for him as he’s getting in your head and pulling every excuse out. It might be better not to speak to him for a few days in order for you to process everything you’ve found out and everything he’s said.
Your kids will be ok if you decide to split, kids are used to close friends moving from school ect and are super resilient in these circumstances. Friends will come and go but this is your longterm future, don’t think of it as a sunk cost if you split but as a a lucky escape! Take good care of yourself 💐

Original poster
CrazyDiamond30 · 10/09/2024 10:18

Secondstart1001 · 09/09/2024 14:00

I think you need to get some space for him as he’s getting in your head and pulling every excuse out. It might be better not to speak to him for a few days in order for you to process everything you’ve found out and everything he’s said.
Your kids will be ok if you decide to split, kids are used to close friends moving from school ect and are super resilient in these circumstances. Friends will come and go but this is your longterm future, don’t think of it as a sunk cost if you split but as a a lucky escape! Take good care of yourself 💐

Show quote history

Yeah, well due to timings and kids routines etc I spoke with him for a long time yesterday evening, and now I have time to think it over.
He went into detail about how he lacks self confidence (and pretty much hates himself) and that he did this to gain self-validation?
I can totally see that that's possible, but I can't understand if he's just having me on. I used to say and think that I would immediately leave someone who cheats, but for some reason Im just frozen

OP posts:
Secondstart1001 · 10/09/2024 10:59

@CrazyDiamond30 being with you should be enough self validation?

I can completely understand how you are still in shock and trying to process how he could do this to you, and indirectly your kids.

You will never know if he’s having you on or not I am affraid. How is he suggesting you move forward from this? How is is going to try rebuild your trust if you stay with him.

Original poster
CrazyDiamond30 · 10/09/2024 11:14

Secondstart1001 · 10/09/2024 10:59

@CrazyDiamond30 being with you should be enough self validation?

I can completely understand how you are still in shock and trying to process how he could do this to you, and indirectly your kids.

You will never know if he’s having you on or not I am affraid. How is he suggesting you move forward from this? How is is going to try rebuild your trust if you stay with him.

I said the same thing. He opened up about how he lacks confidence (more details obviously) and said that's why he did it. I can tell that he struggles internally, but I said to him that I've felt the same in parts of my life and still would never have even looked elsewhere - let alone actually acted upon it.

Yeah I definitely am in shock, and I reckon that's why I can't figure out which way to go.

He's said that he will work on himself and make more effort with me (again with more detail). He's apologised multiple times and said he would never put me through this again.

From my experience, people don't get over this completely, so I just don't know if I can.

OP posts:
Sadcafe · 10/09/2024 11:15

You found out about them but not from him, it’s the keeping it from you as much as what he’s done, clearly knows it would upset you so keeps it a secret, guess it depends if it’s a genuine one off or it continues. Personally it’s a massive trust issue, you’ll always be waiting for the next time and keeping secrets from your partner inevitably leads to more and more trust issues , speak from some experience but different situation, it’s not a nice feeling being betrayed.

Catandsquirrel · 10/09/2024 11:19

CrazyDiamond30 · 10/09/2024 11:14

I said the same thing. He opened up about how he lacks confidence (more details obviously) and said that's why he did it. I can tell that he struggles internally, but I said to him that I've felt the same in parts of my life and still would never have even looked elsewhere - let alone actually acted upon it.

Yeah I definitely am in shock, and I reckon that's why I can't figure out which way to go.

He's said that he will work on himself and make more effort with me (again with more detail). He's apologised multiple times and said he would never put me through this again.

From my experience, people don't get over this completely, so I just don't know if I can.

Show quote history

Ok but where is the respect and though for you in all of this? Why didn't that stop him from approaching other women? Sounds like an excuse to me I'm afraid

Original poster
CrazyDiamond30 · 10/09/2024 11:26

Catandsquirrel · 10/09/2024 11:19

Ok but where is the respect and though for you in all of this? Why didn't that stop him from approaching other women? Sounds like an excuse to me I'm afraid

Show quote history

Yeah I haven't been able to understand that either. I just don't know what to think at all, I'm totally shut off and have no strength right now, so I'm not sure if he's just very easily manipulating me. Even though he never really seemed the type...

OP posts:
Original poster
CrazyDiamond30 · 10/09/2024 11:28

Sadcafe · 10/09/2024 11:15

You found out about them but not from him, it’s the keeping it from you as much as what he’s done, clearly knows it would upset you so keeps it a secret, guess it depends if it’s a genuine one off or it continues. Personally it’s a massive trust issue, you’ll always be waiting for the next time and keeping secrets from your partner inevitably leads to more and more trust issues , speak from some experience but different situation, it’s not a nice feeling being betrayed.

Yeah this is my concern, that it would just never go away for me and that's just a world of pain. Im just so shocked. He absolutely dotes on me otherwise and always has done, so I can't understand where this has come from. Unless he just is a scumbag and wants whatever he wants...

OP posts:
Dolliesdisasterousdayout · 10/09/2024 11:30

He went into detail about how he lacks self confidence (and pretty much hates himself) and that he did this to gain self-validation?
I can totally see that that's possible, but I can't understand if he's just having me on.

Sounds like he needs a therapist rather than a partner. You don’t get self validation from going behind your partner’s back.

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