Messages to another woman

[CrazyDiamond30]

Hi. I got a message from a girl last night, showing me that my partner of 2.5 years has been messaging her.

He was saying how he used to have 'a thing' for her and going into detail about how attractive she is. It's a bit more gross than that to be honest, but I'll leave it at that.

Turns out that it was on two separate nights, when he was out with friends.

I'm genuinely shocked as I never ever thought he would do anything even like this.

He's apologised and said there was no reason why he's done it, and that he will do 'all it takes' to make it up to me.

If I read this from anyone else, or heard this from a friend, I'd be saying to absolutely get rid.

In my experience, even if you don't consider this 'cheating', it's a path to it or it's at least broken trust for years and years to come.

I think because I'm in the thick of it, I can't think straight. Any advice would be welcome

And then you will be removed from the situation and by the time you’ve had a think you will feel stronger and will no doubt dump his arse.

@CrazyDiamond30 how are you feeling today? Try and eat and drink, take care of yourself as I know it’s hard to keep your shit together and look ok in from of the children,

I've not read every message on this long thread, but I've not spotted anyone asking why this girl made it her mission to seek out the OP and tell her about the messages? She is not an innocent party in all this. How did she even know who the OP was and what was her motivation - pure alturism? She doesn't know the OP, so that's unlikely. Possibly getting the OP out of the picture so she can have this charmer to herself? I think they're welcome to each other.

It depends on how entangled you are with him I think OP.
You're not married to him, so if you have no children and don't lie together, in your shoes I would end the relationship because it's a massive breach of boundaries that would ruin my trust in him. I do consider it a form of cheating and betrayal, Betrayal can take many forms, it doesn't have to be sexual but what he's done is sexual betrayal and you'll never feel at ease with him again if you stay with him. What's worse is these things tend to escalate, and when they're caught, too often they don't stop, they just get more clever and sneaky about it. Any tears and regret they express are for themselves and the fear of the consequences, not for the one they betrayed.
If you live together, have children with him or any other entanglements, I would start information gathering so you can make an informed decision. Get some legal advice from a solicitor and make a plan .Make sure you have your own money and a support network in place for when you split from him. Once he realises you're detaching from him he might get angry so be prepared for that.
Be driven by your head now, not your heart. It is your decision though OP and I'm really sorry he's done this, I've been cheated on and it is truly horrible. Look after yourself OP!

Thank you so much. I do totally resonate with getting further down the line and I am repulsed by him.

I hadn't thought of it before that it's exploiting how I am. That's opened up a whole new view because he knows what I've been through in the past to be where I am now etc

😩 I totally resonate with this because I said the same to him, that we should still be in honeymoon stage. I do understand that 'life' happens etc but still it feels really early on for this to happen (not that it would be okay at any point, hope you know what I mean)

After I found out, in short, he's said that he did it for self-validation, he wouldn't have gone through with anything, I am his world, he will go to therapy, he will be more open with me and show me that he cares, etc.
I have lots of answers to this all that I know everyone else is thinking btw. Just putting it out what he's said.

I'm just so numb and absolutely exhausted

Thank you ♥️ appreciate you checking in.
I'm absolutely shot to be honest. I can't eat but I am drinking. Just no energy at all. I hate that he's put me in this position, but I don't even have the energy to hate right now
Yeah I have been putting on a brave face for my kiddo, she's the only thing pushing me through day to day at the moment to be honest!

I don't know her, no.
She knows I'm with him because he messaged her through Facebook and I'm plastered all over his. How embarrassing 😩
She screenshotted all the messages and sent them to me.
When he was just being friendly/normal to start with she was just chatting back as a friend (they used to be friends)
When he got sexual, she brought me up and said why are you doing this when you have a girlfriend?
He ignored and continued, so she shot him down and blocked him

Either way though, even if she is going this to get me out of the picture, she isn't my concern. As gross as doing it would be, she owes me nothing

Thank you. I don't live with him, aren't married and don't have children with him. The only thing in that sense that would be horrible is splitting up my daughter and his, they love each other to bits. But I get that, that's just what would have to happen. Luckily, my daughter is 3, so she wouldn't really know what was going on. When her dad left me though, she was 1 and she was having meltdowns all the time, really bad. So maybe she would. I don't know

@CrazyDiamond30 Oh, I see, it makes sense now. He was very foolhardy to message her via Facebook when it would be so easy to get caught out. I suppose she was looking out for you by telling you when the conversation crossed the friendly line.

God bless you OP, you're clearly a very selfless person who put's your DD's wellbeing first but she needs her mother to have peace of mind more than she needs your partner's DC. Children pick up atmospheres and tensions in the home and in their people around them, especially parents, so by ending this relationship you are prioritising her wellbeing as well as your own. She's 3; will she be going to nursery/pre-school soon? She will make friends! Meanwhile get rid of that untrustworthy, treacherous excuse for a man. Kids, especially daughters, need their mothers to set an example of a strong woman who will not allow anyone, especially a partner or husband , to disrespect her! Your DD is very small now but start as you mean to go on! Your peace of mind is priceless OP, to your DD and to yourself!

@iwantaflamingo God love you, I was getting like that in the last few months of my STBXH living with me but it's my house, he wasn't on the mortgage and I never took rent from him so I could make him leave which I did. He reluctantly did so but I could have had him removed if he refused.
You say it's YOUR house, so , if his name is not on the deeds or tenancy agreement, you should be able to evict him! Seek some legal advice asap. You can start with Citizen's Advice and they should be able to give you some guidance. If he's refusing to leave YOUR house, you could also talk to the police. I know it seems impossible when they have you so drained and exhausted and ground down, but believe me, you will start to be able to breathe and feel your energy returning once your rid of him. Please get some legal advice and look after yourself! Your kids need their mother to be well and to feel at ease. God bless you!

It may be worse for your daughter if you stay with a man who you don’t trust and who repulses you. Ask him to give you space for 14 days. No contact. See how you feel and if he respects your wishes.

I think the other lady did the right thing. Maybe she has witnessed the damage infidelity causes. Maybe she knows it causes a form of PTSD. Maybe she doesn’t want a woman with a child to be at risk of catching an STD. Maybe it’s happened to her. But fair play to her. I am surprised people are questioning her response. The cheat is the one who has already caused the damage she was just putting it out into the open.

If my car was stolen at 9am today by a thief. And at 5pm my best mate said ‘hey fairy your car isn’t on your driveway, but there’s a pile of smashed glass’ the crime was already committed. I’d already become a victim of a criminals actions. My best mate was just letting me know. The crime was committed at 9am I just didn’t happen to find out until 5pm.

This chap ‘committed the crime’ with the first overstepping text that he would not have shown the op. All the lady did was show her evidence of the crime.

OP he's someone who sends messages to other women, behind your back, to see will they respond to him. This is devious behaviour and it's calculated! Don't be taken in by anything he says which tries to excuse this despicable behaviour! If he really loved and was attached to you, that would be enough to give him a healthy enough sense of his own worth, he wouldn't need to stoop to that sort of carry-on! If you love him, that should be enough of a confidence boost, and of far more value to him that the "validation" of strangers. If this is what he needs to feel confident then he's not able for a committed relationship and needs to get help, but as a single man! It's not a girlfriend or wife's responsibility to be a therapist or psychiatric nurse for her man! I have had to tell myself this, in very abrupt terms, in the recent past, because I was a psychiatric nurse and I know I used to do that for my STBX! It ended up sucking the life out of me and I thank God I realised it before it was too late!
TBH, I can't help but feel he's giving you a load of old crap, to make you feel bad for him so you'll absolve him and carry on like he's never done anything wrong! But whatever it is, it'll have a very toxic effect on you, AND your DC if you give him a pass and carry on with him! You need to mind your own welfare and that of your DC first and foremost OP! Don't let him make you feel bad for him, he's the one who should feel bad for you, but all he seems to be giving you is self-pity and excuses!

OP it doesn’t really matter why he did it - the effect on you is still the same. Do you want a man who does this?

Is it likely to be the last time he ever does this? Nope. Even if he only does it when he’s had a few drinks and has a particularly ‘low self esteem’ day, well he’ll have a few more of those days in his life.

Sadly, she won’t be the only one he’s messaged in the last 2.5 years. She’s just the first one who was motivated to find you.

I couldn’t spend my life checking a partners phone to see if he was at it again. Wondering what he’s up to on nights out. The image of him texting good night messages to you in between ‘I wank over you’ messages to other women is awful. Also it shows that all his flattery to you is just cheap talk.

And I couldn’t bear the thought that other women think I’m with a pervy creep, or passing me in the street thinking ‘there’s the woman who’s bf was sexting me last week’. Nope.

Throw this one back OP
💐

Totally agree with all of this. She has been through it herself and has been really supportive

Why? Why ‘put out there’ what he’s said?

Everything that he’s said is exactly what they all say. It’s of no interest at all, it is all exactly the same set of lies that all low cheats say. No one is going to gasp and say, oh, that puts a new slant on it.

please please stop doing this to yourself. This isn’t meant to be harsh.

He has had the chance to show you that he cares for you and loves you, and is open with you, by simply being a normal, loyal partner, since day one. Not difficult. He chose to stab you in the back instead, and THAT is who he is. And if it weren’t for that woman, you’d be none the wiser and still be being lied to. There is no other thing to say.

Ick. So she called him out on having a gf and he continued. He's one of those creeps who doesn't see women as actual people and care that he's making them uncomfortable.

They like to claim insecurity but the truth is its pure narcissism. Yes, he did do it to get the ego boost...but for him, that'll always be the case. There's no fixing whats going on with him. He sees other people as only there to bolster his ego.

Its easy for him to cheat because no one actually means anything to him in the first place. You can't therapise empathy into people who don't have it. You can't make shit people good.

It doesn't really matter what her motivation was.

The OP knows and that's all that matters to her.

I disagree. Many women would be appalled by being contacted like this by a man in a relationship and would feel that his wife/partner/girlfriend should know what he is doing behind her back. Of course it will bring short term pain, but it may stop the woman from having children with the arse!

@Helpnifoseeker they don’t live together, so no need for legal advice

I had one of these once. Totally besotted but cheating at every opportunity. If this is a similar situation, his seeming besotted with you is part of his self esteem issues and he's getting validation from you every day. It's not real. If you ever go through a rough patch and the validation levels from you drop they will need to ramp up elsewhere.

I'm guessing he never disagrees with you in any serious way that risks leaving you annoyed with him?

This isn't personal to you. You happen to have picked a bloke with issues that will most likely lead to you never feeling completely at peace in this relationship. Bin him off, take a deep breath and celebrate your empowerment at putting ypur happiness and mental wellbeing first

Omg 😩 never thought of it in that way. No, thinking about it now, he always says "we will do whatever makes you happy". He doesn't like, agree with my views if he doesn't agree with them, but he wouldn't ever cause conflict no. So I'm basically just validation supply... ?

I feel manipulated and, considering ive had plenty of it before, I thought I'd be able to see the red flags

God. You really have never got people worked out have you.

I wouldn't think of it like that. People aren't so black and white. This isn't a reflection on you. He's got some unhealthy attributes that will impact your relationship. Its so confusing when you're in an unhealthy relationship but it makes you feel really good. I stayed in mine a lot longer than i should have done and felt uneasy for years.

Once i left i did a lot of work on myself and am now happily married to a man who disagrees with me all the time 😂.
I had to learn how to love and prioritise myself so i didn't get sucked in by a man just because it felt so good when he constantly (unhealthily because of his own damage) prioritised me. It wasnt real and looking back i couldnt tell you who he really was because he is a master of reflecting people back to themselves to get that positive attention. Turns out when i wasnt around for him to prioritise he would be looking for the next person to lavish attention on to get the validation back (ie flirting and sex)