Messages to another woman

[CrazyDiamond30]

Hi. I got a message from a girl last night, showing me that my partner of 2.5 years has been messaging her.

He was saying how he used to have 'a thing' for her and going into detail about how attractive she is. It's a bit more gross than that to be honest, but I'll leave it at that.

Turns out that it was on two separate nights, when he was out with friends.

I'm genuinely shocked as I never ever thought he would do anything even like this.

He's apologised and said there was no reason why he's done it, and that he will do 'all it takes' to make it up to me.

If I read this from anyone else, or heard this from a friend, I'd be saying to absolutely get rid.

In my experience, even if you don't consider this 'cheating', it's a path to it or it's at least broken trust for years and years to come.

I think because I'm in the thick of it, I can't think straight. Any advice would be welcome

Are you for real. I can find anyone in minutes with a first name online.

@AnnieSnap Good, that means that OP isn't legally or financially entangled.

I'm still sitting here in massive pain, reading all of these messages to try and kick me up the arse. I spoke to him at length last night (I know, I should have listened about no contact... definitely now in hindsight).
I got really angry yesterday, so my plan yesterday was that he comes to speak with me and I give him his stuff, to leave. But it didn't happen.
I even got to the point where I said I think I have to do this. And I just kept thinking what if this could actually work. What if he really is sorry and means it, and will work on himself.
Then when I'm on my own, I think what if it doesn't. What if I'm miserable. Why not just leave while I'm already as low as possible.
I know if this was me reading this, I'd think 'shes been sucked in' and I'd be 'pushing' for someone to leave. But I have read stories where this does bring people closer, even though that sounds twisted.
I'm also really conscious of people saying 'i would leave immediately'. That would have also been my response before I've been in this specific situation, and it was with my ex.
Then I think, what if this otherwise perfect person is just very calculated and is actually an absolute dick.
I'm basically on my arse.

I understand why you are having these thoughts @CrazyDiamond30 You are grieving for the relationship you thought you had. You are struggling to come to terms to come to terms with the loss of that. It’s natural that it’s a struggle, but as Maya Angelou said “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”. The cases where ‘it’ brings people closer are when some form of infidelity takes place after a long term couple have drifted apart, or in some way have drifted into not meeting each others needs. This isn’t the case here is it? You have only been together two years. He should be very much ‘loved up’ with you. If he’ll do this now, what will he do during the boring times, the difficult times? They always come along at times during long term relationships.

OP it's happened to lots of us, and I certainly remember the pain you're in now, but take my word for it, when they crap on you badly, any sort of serious disrespect or abuse, which cheating actually is, and you reconcile with them, they only take it as having got away with it, and they get worse. My X went AWOL a couple of years ago for 9 days with no warning. I didn't take him back for a few moths and oh he WAS being such a good boy! Until I let him back in and then he started a whole new ball game of emotional abuse. TBH, finding out he cheated was a blessing in disguise as it gave me the shove into reality I needed to kick his arse OUT!
It's been one of the most difficult times of my life, but I now have no warm, fluffy feelings left for him at all! In fact, all I have for him is a strong aversion, because he's a man of low character. Don't be me! Don't fall for his manipulations. Save yourself NOW and in a year or so you'll be so glad you did! You deserve far better and you're young, you give yourself the respect and care you deserve from now on and eventually, you'll attract a man who gives you the same! Do not settle for anything less! Sending hugs!

You just need to grieve the relationship. Try not to contact him during that time if you can xxx

You really will be ok x

Hi OP.

I would try to leave if you can.

I used to exchange messages with a man in a long term serious relationship. You know what happened? She found out. He waited months for things to calm down and then he came right back to me.

They don’t stop when they get caught.

The ones trying to work it out have kids, houses, shared finances. You have none of those things. It literally makes ZERO sense to try and get over this. You can walk away without a backward glance. It would be somewhat understandable if your lives were entwined .. but they are not.
Based on your other thread you clearly want to forgive and thats fine.. just know that he will do it again and again .. just get better at hiding it. Some people are happy just to have a man, even if its shared. Just don't kid yourself .. eyes wide open

I agree with this completely.

Look it's in the past this is going nowhere. She messaged you to mess with your head. I would message back with lots of laughing emjo and say he's so funny when he's drunk. Then block her number and when you can get hold of his phone block it on his as well. Men never grow up. Make him feel so low for his behavior expect lots attention flowers and chocolate.

Honestly I don't think many people get passed this. Personally I would probably forgive him, and try and fix it if, I didn't entirely hate him at that point, but would prob end up hating him anyway 🤣

Sorry OP, it’s gut wrenching finding stuff like this x

do what is right for you, if you’re not ready to let go then you’re not ready to let go. I would say that if you’re going to stay give him no contact for a few days, 1.to give yourself time to think and 2.let him see what life is like without you. If you decide to stay then do so with trepidation, I’ve stayed in situations like this and it hasn’t worked out but I didn’t regret staying as I knew I wasn’t ready to leave. I’ve also stayed in situations like this and things did work out, I did trust him again as I saw how broken he was thinking he’d lost me and I knew he wouldn’t fuck that up again. We split years later for unrelated reasons.

I know I’ll probably be slammed for this and each to their own, of course you deserve better, we all do but people do fuck up sometimes. Listen to your gut

He has been messaging other women too it's just that they haven't forwarded you their messages, this is not a 'one time thing'. Toss him.

Why are you on your arse? Yes it’s a pita splitting up after 2.5 years together and both of you have kids (thankfully not together) but you also don’t live together and aren’t married.

You said this happened before so if I was you I’d look at why you don’t see these traits in future relationships. I’d dump his arse, this one. He’s not even been caught out by you, someone’s messaged you to
say he’s cheating with them. Let her have him. Raise your standards.

She’s not got to “stay” as in she’s homeless, she’s just got to get the nerves off her to dump his sorry arse.

Be kind to yourself, OP.

You're still in shock and as such actual action is really, really difficult. Give yourself some time. Let the information gently settle like sand dropping to a river bed.

If you can, go to a friend's or your mum's. If not, have a long talk with a confidant and let them do the donkey work. All you have to go is pack a small bag to bide him over for a week. That'll give you a breather and some time go get your head in order.

If you want more proof, contact the woman and get her to tell him that she's changed her mind etc and wants to meet him somewhere. Somewhere where you can watch him in action. That should help you pack the rest of his things.

Cut your losses and end it and any future relationships too if you have no trust .
Settle for someone who treats you with nothing but respect , drunk is not an excuse.
If everyone ditched their partner at the 1st sign of bull shit they would have a lot less complexities in life and a lot more self respect.

Apologies, I haven't read the full thread.

My question would be how many others has be messaged that didn't tell you.

It's a trust thing, and my trust would be pretty much gone.

OP hasn’t GOT to do anything other than what’s right for her

....and eat something.

Force cheap crappy calories into your mouth and swallow. Drink fizzy aid, not dizzy aid.

You're running on empty.This is a bad thing.
A very bad thing.
Mother has spoken.

Oh OP I’m so sorry. I’ve been there. I think for your own sanity you have to cut loose now. Even if he massively makes it up to you, it will still be there, making you wonder if you can trust him and affecting your self-esteem. Otherwise you will be there in 10 years wondering what he’s up to and maybe you will have kids etc and be trapped with those thoughts.

A man who is happy doesn't need to keep his options open and message other women, drunk or sober. And that's exactly what he's doing.

Fuck that, you're worth more. And you know it.

If you read the cheating threads there is nearly always an incident like this in the early days that the op forgave. Your partner is what is known as “affair ready” and is actively looking to cheat.

Naw, cheaters never “ do work on themselves and make the relationship stronger”. They just get better at not getting caught while their partners go on anti depressants / do the pick me dance / read books / join self help groups / go for counselling and learn how to share the blame for his cheating.

It’s always just a matter of time before it all implodes.

If you want to stay with him, you need to accept this is who he is. You might as well agree to an open relationship because you are going to be in one whether you like it or not.

Sorry @CrazyDiamond30 , I know you are in a lot of pain and this isn’t what you want to hear.

Op - it's okay that you can't make the decision right now. YOu aren't a performing seal making your decision live for the mumsnet audience.

Have you ever had therapy? I had a year of it when I realised I was making very poor decisions about relationships.

Look on the BACP website and find a qualified psychotherapist near you - I would go for a proper psychotherapist not just a counsellor -

You might find it helpful to look at your parents relationship - and what messages you took from them about what relationsihps 'should ' be like

It might be that you have a deep belief that you 'should' forgive a cheater - or maybe you don't expect more than that from men - it might be that you have low self confidence so this is just confirming that it's difficult for a man to be committed to you

I can only add that as others have said - the comment and gross nature of how your partner spoke to another woman I think personally is really unforgivable - it suggests he is a really creepy guy - starting friendly chat then making really overt sexual comments to someone he is not even dating.