Messages to another woman

[CrazyDiamond30]

Hi. I got a message from a girl last night, showing me that my partner of 2.5 years has been messaging her.

He was saying how he used to have 'a thing' for her and going into detail about how attractive she is. It's a bit more gross than that to be honest, but I'll leave it at that.

Turns out that it was on two separate nights, when he was out with friends.

I'm genuinely shocked as I never ever thought he would do anything even like this.

He's apologised and said there was no reason why he's done it, and that he will do 'all it takes' to make it up to me.

If I read this from anyone else, or heard this from a friend, I'd be saying to absolutely get rid.

In my experience, even if you don't consider this 'cheating', it's a path to it or it's at least broken trust for years and years to come.

I think because I'm in the thick of it, I can't think straight. Any advice would be welcome

He's disrespected and humiliated you.
He will do it again.
You deserve someone who loves and respects you enough to not message other women.
Messaging you both at the same time? You could never trust him again. Imagine everytime he goes out wondering what he is doing or who he's messaging

Girl, or woman?

I wish this could be a sticky at the top of this forum; let me explain cheater panic & damage control, as a former cheater.

Cheaters like to be in control and have options.

When their main partner finds out they've been looking elsewhere/cheating/whatever and it looks like they'll be dumped, have no control over the situation, lose their main partner without a certain replacement set up .....

They panic a lot and they go in for damage control bigtime. The whole aim is to get the status quo back to them feeling in control, making all the decisions, looking elsewhere and seeing what/who the can get while they have the security, safety net & convenience of their main partner etc.

The panic and damage control will result in real hiccup-y, distressed, crying and pleading and promises. It's very convincing.

But wait until the danger passes, until they feel secure again, until they feel back in control, until the danger of being dumped and having no-one (and no other solid options) passes; they'll be right back to the mental place and the behaviour you caught them at, sooner or later.

You've been unlucky enough to have been through this before and moved on. You can do it again. Zero tolerance of this behaviour. No amount of sweet talk will make it dissappear.

Leave this sorry excuse for a person in the gutter where he belongs.
trust me, he’s scum and you will not regret leaving him, but will definitely regret wasting anymore time on him.
Enjoy your life and move on, wishing you luck and happiness xx

I’d have a break and see what he does. Spend sometime by yourself and see if you really want to take this further. The trust is gone.

That's love-bombing, and is designed to do exactly what it has done - reel you in and blind you to his bad parts. It's a narcissistic trait. As is the making you feel sorry for him because he 'has self-confidence issues'. Well, he's going to feel even worse about himself, now, isn't he, so surely behaviour will get worse, not better (if it's true). And he's only saying he'll address it because he's been caught.
Don't fall for it. It's all manipulation. You deserve better, even if better is being single.

@CrazyDiamond30 i saw this on instagram and thought of this thread. Think about what it is you want for yourself, not what you might of had, what you actually want.

He sounds very manipulative.

Sorry you are in this position OP

Just tell him that while he was panting after another woman he lost the best one he’d ever had. Bye bye.

You are a prize, not a lucky dip.
Value yourself, and ditch the complete idiot who will only bring anxiety and self doubt into your life.

As a PP said, I can’t even count the threads I’ve read by poor women who’ve just found out they’re being cheated on, or whose partner/H/stepdad to her kids has left for OW, where the OP will read -‘we had issues with him messaging other women/kissed someone on a night out” out/lied to me about contact with his ex but I forgave him, and I thought we’d moved past it…’ 😞

Countless threads. As PP have also said, it’s about him simply being that type. It’s not about actual external things, it never is, there are countless other folk who don’t react to issues by looking around for someone to fool with behind their partners backs. It’s just that he’s that type.

You and your children are worth more than this OP x

I would end this. Not married and no joint kids, so much easier now than later.

No excuses.

just dump him. Run!

OP the only advice I can give is that you have two choices

You can choose to believe his words or you can choose to believe his actions.

please choose wisely

OP your relationship is in the honeymoon phase .
You don’t live together and don’t have all the stress of day to day life tainting your relationship You are Seeing each when you are at your best.
So despite this , this man has attempted twice to cheat on you . Using feeble excuses like he was drunk, a dare, his esteem is poor ….. absolute rubbish. Does he even believe the tripe he is spewing?

So if he strays when things are good how the … could he cope with a real relationship?

It’s up to you what you do but don’t pretend it could make you stronger as a couple…. Cheats don’t change they just get better at hiding

Remember what lessons do you want to teach your child about a healthy relationship

This.
You now know that you can’t trust him.
sorry, OP

Sometimes, feelings need to be acknowledged and then put aside else you will continue to feel stuck in a loop

I’m assuming some of the detail of the text and I would feel sick every time I looked at him. Walk now befor u waste a few more years x

@CrazyDiamond30 I think that the way to deal with the "what ifs' is to say to him that's fine, if you're really sorry and you're going to work on yourself, go away and do exactly that. Come back when you've fixed yourself and show me that you have. Don't let him tell you he's better now, he has to prove it by his actions. If he really loves you, he'll be back. If he doesn't come back, there's your answer. Don't tell him you'll be waiting for him either.

You have one life OP, so ask yourself if you're willing to bet your future and your kids future happiness on someone who has self-esteem issues, who has proved they can't be trusted and who was brazen enough to seek out potential cheating opportunities and was only sorry because they were outed.

Your DP was chatting to some woman he knew from his youth about how he used to have a massive crush on her and then starting talking about his cock. How are you not beyond outraged and ending things? It sounds like your self-esteem is in the toilet and not his tbh.

The way he operates gives me the massive ick, very sly and has all the excuses under the sun... Jeez, you said yourself that this woman even asked about his motives (when he has a parter) and he carried on trying his luck. That is GRIM.

Staying with someone you cannot trust is a recipe for an utterly miserable life - one where you will never feel good enough and you'll reach a point where you can't mention it, but it will eat away at you inside.

Yes, you didn't choose this and you're in pain, but you CAN finish it and choose you and your 3yo - who will forget him and his child in time, as she's so young now.

FGS stop listening to his whiny manipulations about getting himself fixed - such a load of crap.

I don't really have anything to add as lots of good advice has already been given...but just wanted to contribute my own experience.

I was married with two young children when I found out my ex was chatting up ex girlfriends, giving online compliments to women he knew IRL - and created an online dating profile pretending to be a single father. He swore up and down he had never acted on it/never would. We did counseling, he apparently had an online sex addiction blah blah blah. I got the apologies, the tears, promises to change (and periods of time where his behaviour seemed to be altered just long enough to make me think he was serious before it would revert back to how it was - and to be honest, even in those short periods I don't think anything changed, he just got better at hiding it).

Even though I was regularly hurting over the bahviour, I stayed because I still loved him (although over time obviously the love eventually died and I started to hate him) hoping he would really change. I was also scared to leave because unlike you, I was a sahm with two non school age children at home.

I wish I had left early and didn't waste so many years of my life. I believe people can change but that it's rare. Most people do not change especially when it comes to this type of thing - people who are looking outside their relationship are lacking moral character. It's a pretty big flaw to overcome.

Also wanted to echo what another poster said about lacking self esteem being bullocks. I was going to say the same - only someone with confidence would so brazenly pursue other people. Saying it's a self esteem issue is to manipulate you into feeling sorry for him and make it seem not so bad. Absolutely deliberate playing on your emotions now on top of the cheating. He actually has a big ego and enjoys getting attention wherever he can, with no regard for you whatsoever.

Please don't do what I did...find your anger and try to find the strength to leave now. You don't want to look back on your life when this inevitably happens with him again (and when you're potentially saddled with a marriage, mortgage or children) and wish you had ended it years before.