Messages to another woman

[CrazyDiamond30]

Hi. I got a message from a girl last night, showing me that my partner of 2.5 years has been messaging her.

He was saying how he used to have 'a thing' for her and going into detail about how attractive she is. It's a bit more gross than that to be honest, but I'll leave it at that.

Turns out that it was on two separate nights, when he was out with friends.

I'm genuinely shocked as I never ever thought he would do anything even like this.

He's apologised and said there was no reason why he's done it, and that he will do 'all it takes' to make it up to me.

If I read this from anyone else, or heard this from a friend, I'd be saying to absolutely get rid.

In my experience, even if you don't consider this 'cheating', it's a path to it or it's at least broken trust for years and years to come.

I think because I'm in the thick of it, I can't think straight. Any advice would be welcome

Another person who has a but in his fidelity.
I believe in monogamy but not if I need smoke blowing up my behind. I believe in monogamy unless my partner will never find out. I believe in being faithful but an ex doesn’t count.

Why invest any more time in a man who is admitting he is not relationship material? He has told you he has low self esteem (but is confident enough to text a woman how he feels about her).

Read ‘cheating in a nutshell’ then dump him. I do believe in reconciliation but at 2.5 years not a chance. He’s got poor character traits and you should share your life with someone better. Your values don’t align.

Plus he can’t ever make it up. It’s impossible. How can he make it up to you? He has chosen to lie, deceive and betray for ego kibbles. It’s impossible to make it up. He is hoping you have enough grace to forgive him - he can’t make it up! He sold his integrity for potential kibbles apparently. How can he make that up? You will never look at him the same again. No marriage, no kids together - dump him. If he thinks he can ‘make it up to you’ he’s a fool as well as a liar.

Fair play to her though. I’m guessing he’s ruined any future chance with her by revealing himself as a liar and cheat.

😩 yes it was

When the words and the actions do not match, that should tell you all you need to know.

Dear God. Imagine that woman seeing that filth pop up on her phone. That tells you all you need to know about this man.
If you stay, during sex, you damn well know he’s not thinking of you at that
at time.
That thought alone should give you the strength to tell him to do one.
It’s so so pervy and creepy.

Going forward, I wouldn't be able to trust him and I wouldn't be able to look at him in the same way. It's up to you whether you think that you can continue a loving relationship with what he's done always casting a shadow over what you have.

I'm sorry this has happened.

Thank you everyone for your advice and support. I haven't chosen to speak to anyone I know yet, so this has been a real help and is definitely helping me to clear my mind

Well I think he is being really manipulative: trying to wriggle out of the consequences of being found out by making you feel sorry for him. The "oh I'm so lacking in self confidence I need validation from other women " card. Trying to make you doubt your initial , and correct, instinct that he is an opportunistic cheater.
The fact you are his loving partner should be validation enough for his ego.
But no, he is out with his pals, so he starts sending messages to other women to see how far he can get with them as regards taking the opportunity to cheat.
My guess this is not the first time. Unfortunately for him this time he actually chose a woman with integrity who gave you the heads up.

It's awful for you OP. But even if you swallowed his line about needing reassurance where does it leave you in the future? It leaves you never being able to trust him.

Sometimes it’s easier to avoid real life as there is usually the situation where you might tell your bf, then you stay with him but she complexly loses respect for him.

I am repeating what I said earlier in that you need space to process this all and possibly go no contact with him for a few days. I csn imagine you can’t concentrate / eat / feel anxious. I know it’s hard.

Yeah exactly this. I haven't been to work or eaten. Not pulling a "feel sorry for me card" but just something I considered which adds to how/why I'm not thinking straight.
My gut says leave no matter what, when I consider the reality of what it would be like if I stayed. My heart is giving every possible bit of hope as to how it could possibly be fine. But I just can't see it

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you are determined to take him back at least have a "break" or else he is going to believe you are a complete walk over and willing to put up with and believe anything.
His spiel about being insecure and in need of validation is as old as time I'm afraid
I get how it must be v v hard to walk away from what is otherwise a good relationship but i suspect based on his brazenness alone that he has been cheating all along and this is just the first time you have found out about it.
Its v hard when you love someone but you are just prolonging the agony. You have no ties now.. not so easy when you do and he will know that too. I wish you luck

Thank you. Yeah you are right. I'm so I'm guessing it's a deep routed thing for me to assume that everyone can (or will) change.
I'm not determined to stay with him, Im just going through all the motions and I can't see clearly or make decisions right now

Pretty sure someone messaging you that they think about you when they wank is sexual harassment.

Forget getting dumped, he sounds like the sort that's going to catch a case sooner or later. Creepy fucker.

Just read your update - eek he has ruined his chance with her if you dump him.

Does he think ‘I think of you while I wank’ is a great chat up line? They obviously hadn’t built up to that over a period of time as she then went and told you. So he went from ‘hey Holly haven’t seen you in ages’ to ‘hey Holly I think of you while I play with my Willy’. That’s surely not the actions of a man with low self esteem? Maybe someone who wants a secret shag or thinks the ladies are up for it or that he would like that sort of text so surely the ladies do too. Regardless he’s not a keeper.

What he says and what he thinks and what he does do not correspond. Does any woman want that text message from a bloke she once knew?

Op you don’t need this stress in your life

I too believe that everyone can change. But at 2.5 years in let him do the changing in his own time without damaging you in the process. Reconciliation takes 2-5 years. Youve dated for 2.5 years. So at the 7 year point there’s a very good chance that at LEAST half of your relationship will have sucked and being tainted by the poison that is infidelity. A 20 year marriage with three kids I get it. 2.5 years - I have pickles in my cupboard that are older.

He’s admitted he’s not got the right attributes to be a good partner (low self worth blah blah) and his actions show he is a shit partner. Let him do his work on himself at his own pace well away from your heart, self esteem and self worth.

Thank you, this was useful. There was some chit chat before hand and he got onto how attractive he thinks she "was when he knew her" and he just went on and on and in one of the messages sent that. He then messaged her to say he used to have a thing for her (they haven't seen each other for years) and hoped "at the time" that she did too.

He definitely does have low self esteem, but for me it's just not an excuse. I don't believe that that's his reason but that's what he said

Also understand that 2.5 years sounds like nothing. I was with my husband previously for 10 years, with a child, so this still feels very new in the grand scheme of things. I think it's just how much I love him basically. Or loved..idk how I feel at the moment

I’m sure you do love him. But do you want to entwine your life further with his when you KNOW he has a but in his fidelity? 2.5 years is ages but can you reframe it and say ‘I had a great time but our values don’t align’. Then use this terrible experience to really determine what you want from a partner. Write down your values, live by them daily and dont compromise when dating.

When the grief stages pass you may find you are left staring at a man that turns your stomach and makes your skin crawl and you have wasted another 2 years. (Read cheating in a nutshell). He’s no prize but you are. He’s a ten a penny cheat who sends texts about his penis - you can replace his type with ease on tinder. All words and Willy no integrity or honesty.

Do you value honesty, commitment and integrity? Focus on your values and not your feelings at this time. Your feelings will be all over the place.

Good luck- you are the prize.

What I did when I found out my ex cheated

Took myself out of the situation and imagined it was my best friend

My mum gave me a picture of me when I was five and said is this the man that this lovely child deserves? Does he get to stay around and treat her like dirt? No he doesnt.

Block!

Dump him op. He has form. God knows what else he was doing.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Remember ‘when someone shows you who they are, believe them’. Get out now 💐

Also bear in mind, this is what you know. Any man who would do this has probably done (much) more of the same sort of things.

Girl leave he doesn't deserve you fuck him off

Those are not the words and actions of a man with low self esteem.

It's really bold of him to approach a woman like that, one who knows him in real life, can contact you, who he might have to face again one day after being rejected. How many people do you know who would put themselves out there like that - would you? If he was really shy and lacking in confidence he would have sought validation anonymously online.

You're a kind and caring person, that's one of your strengths. Unfortunately, he now sees that as a weakness he can exploit - he thinks he can spin a 'poor baby bird with a broken wing' tale on you and you'll feel all sorry for him and want to help fix him. The manipulative bastard! I am furious on your behalf.

I am so sorry OP that you are going through this . You are in shock , so please look after yourself and eat little and often and keep hydrated . I think you need to tell someone in real life to get some support .

The most natural response is to wish that you could turn back the clock and that this didn't happen . If your relationship was good your first instinct is to keep it going .

You really need some space from him at this time whilst you take stock of the shocking info that you recently discovered . You do not need to make a decision until you are ready . If you do decide one way , nothing is cast in stone and you can change your mind .

I have been in your position and if there were no joint children in the mix , you don't yet live together and 2.5 years in , I would 100 per cent end the relationship .

My reasoning would be - at this stage in your relationship , especially when you don't live together you should be still in the honeymoon stage and not looking for thrills elsewhere .

He sent sexually explicit messages to someone else on at least 2 separate occasions- his intentions were very clear . You will never know for definite that he wouldn't have acted on these had the response been favourable .

How has he acted since you found out ? It seems that he has minimised and excused his behaviour .

Whilst relationships and trust can be re- built this will take a lot of hard work and commitment from you both . I think you would be better spending the time prioritising you and your child . Look up the sunk costs philosophy . You want the relationship to work ,so you keep chucking more at it .

I am not you though and you have to weigh up everything and decide whether you want to give him a second chance . If you decide to do so - make sure he is very clear about what he will do to make the relationship work . At the very least you should hold off on any plans to move in with him until you see if you still feel the same months down the line .

Take care .

He might he saying all the right things now bit, if you hadn't found put, it would be continuing and you have no idea whether it would have escalated or not.

He might not be very far down the road of infidelity but its the road he has chosen to take. Telhe risk is that, if you forgive him now, you might find he has travelled further down that road in future. Personally, I wouldn't want to wait around to find out.

Especially given that there are no joint children and you don't live together. It would be a it of a no brainer to me. You've found out who he is and he really isn't a man you want to commit yourself to.

💐give yourself time. Tell him you need space to think and he is not contact you until you contact him.