Messages to another woman

[CrazyDiamond30]

Hi. I got a message from a girl last night, showing me that my partner of 2.5 years has been messaging her.

He was saying how he used to have 'a thing' for her and going into detail about how attractive she is. It's a bit more gross than that to be honest, but I'll leave it at that.

Turns out that it was on two separate nights, when he was out with friends.

I'm genuinely shocked as I never ever thought he would do anything even like this.

He's apologised and said there was no reason why he's done it, and that he will do 'all it takes' to make it up to me.

If I read this from anyone else, or heard this from a friend, I'd be saying to absolutely get rid.

In my experience, even if you don't consider this 'cheating', it's a path to it or it's at least broken trust for years and years to come.

I think because I'm in the thick of it, I can't think straight. Any advice would be welcome

Never forget the fact that you are, and always will be far more important than him xx

There’s way too much over-thinking going on here. Your lives are barely entwined, you don’t even live together. Just tell him to fuck off.
”I have no confidence, validation wah wah boo fucking fuck off, boring arsehole man.”
These are the same lines they all trot out when they get caught love, you are not special to him I’m afraid. Find your anger, don’t be another wet blanket woman who can’t stand up on her own.

If you can’t break up with him for yourself, please do it for your children. Don’t let this unhealthy relationship be their blueprint. Don’t let this awful man keep making their mother unhappy. Staying with him will negatively affect them even if you tell yourself it won’t.

Partner means nothing. If he wanted to be with you, you would be married. Or engaged. I know that marriages may end in divorce, but if a person loves you, he would hate to lose you and he would want to marry you immediately. He is not committed even in the least. He uses you.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. But am glad you don’t share a child or home with him. People can say all they want but their actions speak far louder than their words. He has shown you who he is - or rather, you found out. His self esteem issues are irrelevant. I’ve had a lot of self esteem issues - I wouldn’t flirt with another man much less say the things he said.

And the fact that the woman on FB told him she wasn’t interested and he continued pressing and making sexual comments says way more to me about his character and integrity than anything else.

Your daughter needs to see her mum as someone who values those things in people like honesty, character and integrity so she will grow up knowing that these are non-negotiable in any relationship she wants to have. If this were her 25 years from now coming to you with this how would you feel and what would you say to her? You must love yourself as much as you love her, please.

I know it doesn’t seem like it but there are good men out there and I hope you find one because you’ve had some bad luck x

But he is very calculated. The girl pulled him up about you yet her continued to send her messages!

So sorry OP, what an absolute shit he is. I know you're reeling and I know you want to believe he's sorry, he made a mistake and he wants to make it up to you. But he is not who you thought he was. The relationship is not what you thought it was. And this is what you have to come to terms with.

Be grateful to that other woman that she let you know what he is up to. She had nothing to gain but did it because she doesn't want another woman being kept in the dark by a cheating wanker.

You deserve better than him. You are worthy of fidelity and respect.

Please look after yourself, try and eat some nourishing food (soup & wholemeal bread if that's all you can manage) and try to get some fresh air. Talk to a good friend, have a good cry and let it all out. Find your strength - you know you are worth more than his treatment of you 💐

Trust your gut.
You know, by what you've said re 'if someone else, you'd tell them to get rid'. Everything you need to know right there.
He's messaged her twice. He's only sorry because he was rumbled. If the girl had responded the way he'd hoped, this would clearly have gone much further.
Is this you're forever man? You deserve better. Bite the bullet and end it would be my advice. Painful in the short term, but way better now than after marriage and potentially kids.

You’ll always feel like you aren’t ‘the one’ & that if she gave him the green flag he’d leave you in a heart beat. She is the one he wants, you are the one he could get. Sorry op, I don’t say that to be a dick. It doesn’t make her better than you, or you unworthy… that’s just through his eyes. But it’d be done for me. No coming back from being second best?

He is using all the words, isn't he

self confidence
self esteem
self validation

what he means is

SELFISH

So sorry OP! This sucks xxx

This is awful. I'm so sorry this happened & your partner chose to behave in this horrendous way. You didn't deserve it & I imagine the pain you must be feeling is indescribable.
I just wanted to say - good people fuck up sometimes. There are a variety of ways in which they can do this - far too many to list here.
My husband messed up in a not dissimilar way to your partner, so my heart is with you. I know it hurts A LOT. It was an absolutely awful time but, I chose to stay. It wasn't an easy decision, but 3 years on - I'm glad I did. Our marriage is very, very different to how it was before. Nothing excuses his behaviour, but I accept that as humans, we are flawed. We all mess up, make mistakes, behave badly - there is a hierarchy of these behaviours that exists somewhere I'm sure, but we've hit at least one level on there at some point in our lives.
Whether you choose to stay or to go is your decision & whatever you choose must be right for you.
I just wanted to offer another perspective as I know in the many late night hours of googling, reading forums, listening to podcasts, etc. - there were plenty of messages telling me to go - to write him off as a wrong 'un, that people don't change. People do change though, they DO - they must, or we would all be defined by our worst mistake.
Only you know your partner & how committed he really is to doing 'all it takes' - maybe think about what that might be.. relationship counselling? That's what we did - some sessions together, some alone - this kind of acting out often stems from insecurity, a need to feel wanted, powerful, masculine - I don't know what it links to with your partner, but maybe he could explore that with a counsellor.
Whatever you choose to do - I wish you happiness & send you strength <3 x x

Hate to tell you this but it looks like you’re his second choice and she’s his first. Personally I’d rather die alone.

@Mydogdoesntlikeyou i agree with you trust @CrazyDiamond30 isn’t ready to let go and do your suggestion will work as he really needs to feel the loss of his partner and work hard to fix this all.

Putting aside your racing thoughts, dont talk about it anymore and act anyway.
Movement is the only thing to get you unstuck, physically shake it off, I mean literally.
Jump up and down, run around scream, punch a pillow, lift weights, anything as long as you move!
Make sure your posture is wide open and straight, dont fold into yourself or go into foetal position now, or youll never get unstuck.
Think of your spine as a rod of flaming steel and as the good woman said "Feel the Fear, and do it anyway!"

Thank you all for your replies - very mixed haha but appreciate all of it. I'll get back to some people tomorrow. At the moment, I am just taking time for myself and recovering.
Also aware that I have no literal ties to him in terms of marriage/financial/home etc. I'm aware of that. Doesn't change how I actually feel though, just for anyone looking to invalidate or minimise my feelings.
All in all though, appreciate the feedback/support

So sorry.

I remember my Mum crying at the kitchen sink, I was about five. A woman had phoned to ask her to help keep my Dad away from her ... she was 17, my Dad was 30. Seems they worked in the office together and my Dad had taken in an engagement ring and proposed to her. My Mum took fifteen more years of this shite, it destroyed her, finally divorced when I was 20.

I'm sure your self esteem isn't sky high and you're a bit insecure etc. having had the awful experience of being cheated on/attempted cheating (?) by your ex avd father of your children.

Many womens" self esteem doesn't tend to be high anyway.

So are you messaging other blokes, coming onto them to get validation and approval and an ego boost, while with him??

Thought not.

It's bullshit.

And I don't believe he'd have done nothing if he got any opportunity.

And if he's as screwed up as all that ... He shouldn't be entering into relationships and hurting people and wasting their time. He needs to get some psychological help.

But he's just a common garden chancer and cheater, who wants the play the field while he's got a steady gf for all the things steady GFS are useful for.

It’s not in the past. It’s only just happened

Just for the record, I am not waiting on a proposal. We've discussed that (my doing)

With no living together, no shared kids ..... Honestly you've dodged a bullet.

Things could be much much worse for you.

He's auditioning to be your long-term partner, he failed his audition. Big red X.

You don't give commitment and investment to someone like this. Untrustworthy, looking elsewhere, chancing elsewhere, full of woe is me BS when caught, double standards, deceitful.

You are a Mum, you don't need stress like this from Mr. Jeremy Kyle contestant.

You've already been through a lot of stress and pain with your ex, you don't need another cheater/fool/chancer/dodgy bloke.

He thought he'd be a smart arse, he thought he'd play the field, he lost.

He's not worthy of your time or emotion or body or investment.
You won't get a good man while you excuse and put up with shit like this.

2.5 yrs flies in and isn't that long in the scheme of things. Don't get caught up in the fallacy of sunken costs.

This is probably the reason, which is fine. But it doesn’t mean you have to stick around. People who do this have something missing in the relationship (not your fault) or something missing in themselves. If he has low self worth this will take a lot of work in therapy to help him manage. It’s not enough just being aware of his his issues, he needs to actively work on them for this not to happen again.

it’s up to you if you want to take the gamble, but it would be a long uphill battle. I find it a little less likely that it’s a self hate issue the face it happened twice,surely once would be enough if that was the case, it seems more likely there is something in your relationship not fulfilling him, he may not even know what it is, (again not your fault).

if he can work it out in therapy that’s great, but you don’t have to help him fix himself.

Sorry about jumble message. @EI12 i don’t agree with you. Marriage doesn’t stop men cheating and for some people like myself marriage isn’t jumped into the second time around when you have dc.

People who do this have something missing in the relationship (not your fault)

Yep.

You're actually doing him a favour too.

Because if he's looking elsewhere, it means

A. you're not for him/he's not satisfied with you ..... So he's actually doing himself no favours either, hanging onto someone cause they're a sure thing and convenient, when he actually wants something else.

Or

B. He's a cheater/chancer.
He'd be a risk with anyone.

(Personally i'd go with B).

There's no point in keeping him in either scenario.

I wouldn't listen to the little lost, poor boy excuses.

Would he take you doing what he's done cause you,'re just a poor, low self esteem girl who's a bit messed up? Would he, fuck.

if you want to take the gamble

Gamblers rarely win consistently.

Op is a Mum who's already had to go through, with her kids, separation from their Dad. She doesn't need any more of this shit in her life.

He's low quality, get him gone.