Messages to another woman

[CrazyDiamond30]

Hi. I got a message from a girl last night, showing me that my partner of 2.5 years has been messaging her.

He was saying how he used to have 'a thing' for her and going into detail about how attractive she is. It's a bit more gross than that to be honest, but I'll leave it at that.

Turns out that it was on two separate nights, when he was out with friends.

I'm genuinely shocked as I never ever thought he would do anything even like this.

He's apologised and said there was no reason why he's done it, and that he will do 'all it takes' to make it up to me.

If I read this from anyone else, or heard this from a friend, I'd be saying to absolutely get rid.

In my experience, even if you don't consider this 'cheating', it's a path to it or it's at least broken trust for years and years to come.

I think because I'm in the thick of it, I can't think straight. Any advice would be welcome

Of course he’s having you on, he’s making an absolute mockery of you and you’ll be doing yourself a heinous disservice if you believe his bullshit. If you forgive this, he’ll do it again because he is that sort of dickhead and because you’ve basically given him permission and told him you will accept cheating.

Thanks for wording it so supportively

Again, another supportive tone. But yeah I do know what you're saying. I just have in the back of my mind 'what if he really doesn't do it again...' but then 10101 other things are outweighing it. I also don't know if I'm just avoiding going through this again

The only thing I would advise is to tell him you are taking a break to think about everything. And then don’t think about everything. Just give yourself space to do other things, focus on your children and cocoon yourself.

He isn't sorry . He's only sorry he got caught.

I’m sorry to say this but my stance on any kind of messaging like this is…. Just because he didn’t seal the deal, that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t have. Intention was there.

I don’t tolerate any behaviour like this, I have had it done to me in the past and I dropped him fast. I don’t regret doing that.

It Is a shame you feel I was unsupportive, if it helps, I would talk to my nearest and dearest friends in exactly the same way. I could’ve worded it in a more flowery manner, but that’s pointless. The situation is shit because he had made it so, and you seem to he wavering on whether he’s genuine or not. The fact he’s a lying (definitely wannabe, maybe actual) cheater should give some indication to the fact he is, in fact, a liar.
You may have ‘what if he doesn’t do it again’ now, but if you stay with him, you’ll forevermore have ‘what if he DOES do it again’… and he will.

@CrazyDiamond30 get rid.

if she would’ve said yes he would’ve cheated. You’re saying you don’t know who he is? Well this is who he is. A man that isn’t completely satisfied in his relationship and is looking elsewhere

😩 to be honest this is what my gut is telling me anyway (I think). I'm just in a lot of pain ATM so I can't think straight

Oh OP please don’t do this to yourself.

The harsh posters are right, you know it. It’s a line as old as the hills and probably the most manipulative of them all - ‘I’m so damaged and afraid and I self-sabotage’. Designed to make you both feel sorry for them AND hint that it can all be sorted out if YOU support them more. Pretty disgusting stuff really.

OP you KNOW. Forgive him and never feel truly at ease again, that’s basically it. Please don’t. Not only are you worth more, but your kids are too - worth more than having a guy like this hang around in their lives and worth more than a mum carrying around shit like this.

You don’t need to think straight right now. Give it a few days, and as you have sadly been here before I believe you will know what you have to do. It’s really, really shit but it is the only honest and happy (eventually!) solution.

Trust is at the core of any successful relationship .
Once that’s lost I don’t think you ever get it back
This man on more than one occasion tried to “ get off “ with someone, that’s not a mistake , it’s a pattern of behaviour he adopts under the guise of being drunk.

If you’ve had unprotected sex with him get yourself checked asap .
This time he was caught , who is to say what happened when he wasn’t found out ?

As advised earlier, tell him that you need a break to get your head in order and cancel communication.

If course, you're frozen. You're in shock. You need to retreat and lick your wounds for a bit. Then you need to tell yourself that isn't it strange he tells you about his low self esteem the minute he gets caught. Or not.

The bottom line is he's a player and will absolutely do this again. Tell as many people as you can about what he's done to stop him triangulating you into taking him back.

Players like what's good out there. You're a good thing and he doesn't want to lose that. Unfortunately, he also wants to have his cake and eat it. You're worth so much more than that.

😩 this hit hard. I just wanna say that, I do see all this stuff, it's just that right now I'm SO low and all over the place that I can't connect dots or see things for what they are. I do know I need to leave

I just don't understand how/why he's always been besotted with me and thrown compliments at me all the time. Telling me how much I'm his world and that I'm his everything. Then he does this...

Tbh this is a person who doesn't love you...and has shit morals.

Either one of those is a reason to end it.

Because men lie op.

Most women say the same things ‘he told me that he loves me, he wants to grow old with me’ yada yada yada

Talking is the easiest thing to do in the world. It’s cheap. The hardest thing to do is make your words and your actions match. And he failed

He isn't committed to you two. If he was he wouldn't have done this. I have to agree with the others about walking away. You cannot be with someone who isn't consistently choosing you back.

Yeah this is so true.

Years ago when I first discovered messages was as simple as I went to unplug his phone and put mine on charge, I saw a message pop up on the screen late at night from a women I’ve never heard of with a message that was clear what it was.

His reply was no baby it’s nothing to worry about and as soon as I pushed to see the messages his mask came off.

Men can absolutely say sweet nothings to you, be intimate on a regular basis, have a family and home with you and still cheat. They can have everything, they can work everyday and have the time to do it. It’s sad but true. If you keep asking yourself why would he do this to me instead of why am I putting up with it, you’ll get lost in the madness.

He is not besotted with you
he does not dote on you
if he was he wouldn’t be texting another woman

Because sadly like far too many men out there he’s a bullshiitting love bombing full of crap liar who will say whatever it takes to keep a woman sweet.

Hes only sorry he got caught so he’s ramped up the BS and will be on his best behaviour for a while until he thinks he’s forgiven

Was the gross bit something along the lines of him thinking about her while he wanks? If so, could you ever have sex with him again without wondering if he was thinking about her?

Also agree with people saying he's only sorry because he got caught, sorry OP 😞

Please don't believe him. I know how tempting it is, but he's just saying what you want to hear. He is a guy who looks for opportunities. He will cheat on you if he hasn't already. If you never suspected it of him, it means he is also well practiced.