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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left for a week

505 replies

Bboo3 · 07/09/2024 18:08

My husband is possibly suffering from depression, he has just been given sertraline, they take up to 6 weeks to kick in fully.
In the mean time he has decided be needs a week break from me and our 3 children, so has moved in with a friend. He said he needs this week to miss me and to decide what he wants going forward. I asked him if there's another woman, and he said there is someone making him happy, but nothing has happened.
I feel like it's emotional abuse, sat here waiting a week to decide whether we are going to fight for our marriage or if he is going to walk away for good.
We have 3 children, 6, 4 and 2. I have told them he's away with work for this week.
I don't know how he can be so cruel. It's been 2 days so far and he's said he's enjoying his time away, he doesn't miss me as of yet, and he feels unsure about our future.
What am I supposed to do? Sit here for a week and let him decide? I am doing everything on my own whilst he is figuring his head out.
Should I just call it a day? We have been together 18 years!! I never thought this would happen. How can he be enjoying his time away when his children are here!
I'm upset, I feel sick, I don't sleep, I feel angry. I want him to come back and work on things like a grown up. But will I be a le to trust him now. Urgh!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
stardustbiscuits · 07/09/2024 18:13

I feel furious for you. Everyone craves/ needs a break when they have 3 young kids. He’s looking for an excuse to blame your relationship for failing as opposed to his ability to man up for his family, or to be loyal. I would be tempted to call his bluff and see what happens.

DustyLee123 · 07/09/2024 18:13

I’d take control and tell him it’s over, not wait for him to decide. He’s having an emotional affair, if not more

Mrsttcno1 · 07/09/2024 18:14

DustyLee123 · 07/09/2024 18:13

I’d take control and tell him it’s over, not wait for him to decide. He’s having an emotional affair, if not more

Totally agree. Why would you want a husband who needs a week away and an emotional affair to decide if he wants to work on his marriage? Bin.

Sirzy · 07/09/2024 18:15

I don’t think him taking time is necessarily a bad thing BUT that shouldn’t give him all the power and you should also use this as a chance to think what is best for you and the children. Him coming back shouldn’t be a given.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2024 18:16

I asked him if there's another woman, and he said there is someone making him happy, but nothing has happened.

If you believe that, I have a bridge to sell you.

Op, he is having an affair right under your nose. It's quite mad you even question what you need to do. Tell him you're divorcing him and coming back to the home is not an option. You aren't going to sit around like a lemon waiting for him to decide if he can bother to stay with to you. It's over.

Ilovechees3 · 07/09/2024 18:17

My EX husband suggested we had a break for a month, he did not believe our marriage was failing, I told him if he left he wouldn’t be coming back.
He left and a weight was lifted from my shoulders, I have never regretted that decision, it was tough at times but I was much happier

DanceTheDevilBackIntoHisHole · 07/09/2024 18:19

I couldn't get over the staggering disrespect of him.
Someone else is making him happy and he's off having a break and you're supposed to sit and wait for him to decide if you may be allowed to be with him and try and make him happy?

What about what you deserve and your happiness? It's unbelievable selfishness from him.

He doesn't have to be the one to make a decision or have control here.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 07/09/2024 18:20

It’s not so much the week away it’s how he’s talking to you. Basically calling all the shots and deciding what he wants so I’d tell him he’s not welcome back quite frankly.

Original poster
Bboo3 · 07/09/2024 18:23

Wow you guys are brutal, it's just what I need 😂
I do love him, and I do want him to come back. But I know I'm being stupid.
If it is his depression that he needs to get under control, then do I need to let him sort that?
Emotional affair? I've never heard that expression before
I just feel so stressed and ill, I've been physically sick. When does all that go away?
We'd lose our family house, I'm a stay at home mum for our 3 kids whilst he brought all the money.
I also feel sick to the core about sharing my children, them sleeping away would kill me. I haven't spent more than a couple of nights away from them. They are my everything.
Do I have to share 50/50?
I'm on the UK if that makes a difference

OP posts:
thistimelastweek · 07/09/2024 18:24

Isn't he special . Off deciding whether to grace his family with his future engagement.
The arrogance of that would put me off him for life.

Yankeescot · 07/09/2024 18:24

Op, I'm so mad for you! The absolute cheek of him! The best thing to do right now is absolutely no contact from you, regardless of how many times he calls or texts. No response at all. Nothing but crickets.
He left for a week to see if he thinks it will work with his side piece. That is the pinnacle of disrespect! Please don't do the pick me dance!

Shortandsweet24 · 07/09/2024 18:25

Do you know this person who is ‘keeping him
happy?’

Who does he think he is? Agree with pps, tell him not to come back. You can’t sit around waiting and like you say, you will never be able to trust him now as you know he could just walk out. What a cowardly man.

D12troop · 07/09/2024 18:25

Drugs arent a magic answer, its not like in 6 weeks things will be well, probably the opposite. And he'll only be on a childs dose at first.

EggandStress · 07/09/2024 18:25

This is an awful situation OP. I really feel for you.
I spent years letting various men walk all over me in this way, making me feel grateful that they were even considering having a relationship with me.

Please use all the strength you have (& you've got loads- you've got three children!) to tell him that you won't be treated like this and that he has basically ended your marriage. If he disagrees, well tell him you're ending it.

It will be hard, but it will be better. Sending hugs or whatever makes you feel better.

K37529 · 07/09/2024 18:25

Fuck that, my locks would have been changed the minute he left.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2024 18:26

Being depressed doesn't give him a free pass to stick his dick in another woman. He is playing you for a fool with this nonsense. If you let him get away with this blatant cheating, he will continue to treat you like a doormat forever. He is the one who has broken up your family, not you.

Sirzy · 07/09/2024 18:27

It wouldn’t automatically be a 50/50 split but if he wanted to fight for it then it would likely be awarded unless there is very compelling reason otherwise.

either way I would look at working to get back into employment so your not reliant on him. This has shown that things are at best rocky so as hard as it is look at future proofing for yourself.

remember your happiness counts too.

Valhalla17 · 07/09/2024 18:28

Depressed but able to conduct an affair with someone who is "making him happy".

I would tell him not to bother to come back, you've decided to look out for yourself and the kids. Tell him you will be starting divorce proceedings and he should stay where he is. Then I'd turn off my phone or block him entirely so he didn't disrupt my peace and witter on about his selfish needs for a moment more.

What a wanker Angry

User00553355 · 07/09/2024 18:28

thistimelastweek · 07/09/2024 18:24

Isn't he special . Off deciding whether to grace his family with his future engagement.
The arrogance of that would put me off him for life.

Totally agree with this. Why does he get to decide?

I couldn't respect him after this.

CornishMaid2024 · 07/09/2024 18:31

You need to put boundaries in place!
He is being totally disrespectful, lots of people experience Anxiety/Depression and would never do this to their spouse.
if someone else is “making him happy” then end the relationship and tell him he is not allowed back in the house.
contact citizens advice bureau (CAB) and get financial advice on your situation.
when you feel like messaging him, message on here instead.
stay strong!
ask yourself, if this was your child asking you for advice, what would you say?

GoldenLyonel · 07/09/2024 18:31

In the mean time he has decided be needs a week break from me and our 3 children, so has moved in with a friend.

he said there is someone making him happy, but nothing has happened.

Is this ‘friend’ also the person ‘making him happy’?

It's been 2 days so far and he's said he's enjoying his time away

Yes, I’m sure he is…

To me this smacks of he’s found someone he’s interested in leaving you for, but he wants to test it out ‘live’, hence his little holiday.

Hatty65 · 07/09/2024 18:33

Call it a day, OP. You'll never trust him again.

He's not so depressed that he can't be investing his emotions in another woman who 'makes him happy' instead of trying to save his marriage. He's utterly wrapped up in himself and what he wants and his own feelings. He has no thought for you or his three small children. I wouldn't worry too much about 50/50 - I doubt he'll want that much responsibility. He's decided that marriage and fatherhood isn't as much fun as being single.

Whatever happens now, you'll never forget this time. And it will poison the rest of your marriage, even if you limp on for a bit. I've been there - and took him back (when I had very small children). All that happened was we divorced several years later when it was even harder on the kids.

I wish I'd told him to fuck off immediately.

GrumpyInsomniac · 07/09/2024 18:36

He’s basically given himself a hall pass to try on the other person to see if life is easier that way. And no shit, away from 3 young kids with a new partner who is desperate to impress and still in the honeymoon phase, I’m sure he will indeed think the grass is greener.

He thinks he holds all the cards because you’re financially dependent on his income. So go and Google “entitled to” so you can find out what benefits you’re entitled to claim if his departure is permanent. Use the fact that you’re in the house and can access any paperwork you need easily to make sure you have copies of everything important in terms of bank statements etc. And start calling divorce lawyers on Monday.

If nothing else, you need to come back at this from a position of power. He should not be dictating the terms, and he’s made very clear that the only one he cares about in all this is himself. I know it doesn’t feel like this right now, but you deserve better and his depression does not excuse or explain his behaviour.

user2037272727273 · 07/09/2024 18:37

It's the script, depressed don't know what they want etc when really their head has been turned and they are testing the waters. Kick him out, no contact for the week he is taking you for a mug!

LoveSandbanks · 07/09/2024 18:38

My husband packed a bag one night during a row and said he was leaving. I was feeding our third child at the time who was just a few months old. I told him to make very, very sure it was what he wanted because if he left he wasn’t coming back. Some things are simply not worth our piece of mind and if someone leaves once I’ll be fucking damned if they’ll get a chance to do it twice. Fuck em

Is the weak bastard really worth all this turmoil? Even if he comes back, will you trust that he will stay? My husband didn’t leave that night but the mere fact that he started to pack a bag left a huge mark on me that took a long time to heal. He will have you dancing to his tune while he keeps his options open.

he’s a selfish cunt who puts his own needs above the needs of his small children. That’s a very special kind of selfish.

Tell him you’ve had some time to think and can stare where he is. You deserve someone who KNOWS they want to be with you, not someone who might be. Neither you nor your children deserve this.