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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left for a week

505 replies

Bboo3 · 07/09/2024 18:08

My husband is possibly suffering from depression, he has just been given sertraline, they take up to 6 weeks to kick in fully.
In the mean time he has decided be needs a week break from me and our 3 children, so has moved in with a friend. He said he needs this week to miss me and to decide what he wants going forward. I asked him if there's another woman, and he said there is someone making him happy, but nothing has happened.
I feel like it's emotional abuse, sat here waiting a week to decide whether we are going to fight for our marriage or if he is going to walk away for good.
We have 3 children, 6, 4 and 2. I have told them he's away with work for this week.
I don't know how he can be so cruel. It's been 2 days so far and he's said he's enjoying his time away, he doesn't miss me as of yet, and he feels unsure about our future.
What am I supposed to do? Sit here for a week and let him decide? I am doing everything on my own whilst he is figuring his head out.
Should I just call it a day? We have been together 18 years!! I never thought this would happen. How can he be enjoying his time away when his children are here!
I'm upset, I feel sick, I don't sleep, I feel angry. I want him to come back and work on things like a grown up. But will I be a le to trust him now. Urgh!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Holidaysrule · 07/09/2024 19:53

@Tartantotty i would bet my rather nice house that he did NOT feel unsure about the relationship until someone else started “making him happy”. Nothing like a shiny new shag to take your focus off your wife and kids! It’s the bloody script. We’ve all seen and heard it. This is NOT on op.

Thevelvelletes · 07/09/2024 19:54

What a selfish pig, there's someone in the wing but I can't see ow wanting 3 extra kids in their potential love nest for half the week.
And the bollocks someone's making him happy if you're truly in the depths of depression it takes wild horses to drag you back out of that not a someone that makes you happy.
He's a lying fucker.

Choosenandenough · 07/09/2024 20:00

there is someone else.

Nousernamesavaliable · 07/09/2024 20:00

I haven't read all replies.... however I would be sending a short and sweet message saying along the lines of ....this isn't working for me and our children, I'm done, your not welcome to come back.

Barryplopper · 07/09/2024 20:00

I'd call his bluff. Don't do the pick me dance when he's checked out and is claiming another woman is making him happy. I'd tell him to collect his belongings. Take the choice out of his hands and take some control of the situation x

Mrsknowitall · 07/09/2024 20:01

I’d be telling him I’m making the decision easy for him and come to collect the rest of his stuff, there’s also someone else out there right now who’s willing to make you happy too, you’ve just not met him yet.

oObyeOo · 07/09/2024 20:01

Yankeescot · 07/09/2024 18:24

Op, I'm so mad for you! The absolute cheek of him! The best thing to do right now is absolutely no contact from you, regardless of how many times he calls or texts. No response at all. Nothing but crickets.
He left for a week to see if he thinks it will work with his side piece. That is the pinnacle of disrespect! Please don't do the pick me dance!

I agree with this.

Mintypig · 07/09/2024 20:02

DustyLee123 · 07/09/2024 18:13

I’d take control and tell him it’s over, not wait for him to decide. He’s having an emotional affair, if not more

This.
it would be a cold day in hell when I let this twat decide my future.

berriesandchocolateflowers · 07/09/2024 20:05

Agree with all the other views OP. Give him radio silence and ruin his week break with the OW because he’s so nervous about what you are doing while he can’t monitor it via text

LadyLapsang · 07/09/2024 20:05

I don’t think there is anything wrong with some rest if you are extremely depressed, but couldn’t he have stayed with his parents if he needed care. Is he absent from work with this depression or just absent from family life? However, the comments about seeing if he misses you and deciding what he wants to do as well as telling you about this other person- that is humiliating and horrible. One thing not to do, run around cleaning and then getting glammed up for his return.

Pebbles16 · 07/09/2024 20:05

Well this I asked him if there's another woman, and he said there is someone making him happy, but nothing has happened.
I feel like it's emotional abuse smacks of disrespect and it is abuse.
Bin the git. Take control. You can do this

Cerealkiller4U · 07/09/2024 20:07

Bboo3 · 07/09/2024 18:08

My husband is possibly suffering from depression, he has just been given sertraline, they take up to 6 weeks to kick in fully.
In the mean time he has decided be needs a week break from me and our 3 children, so has moved in with a friend. He said he needs this week to miss me and to decide what he wants going forward. I asked him if there's another woman, and he said there is someone making him happy, but nothing has happened.
I feel like it's emotional abuse, sat here waiting a week to decide whether we are going to fight for our marriage or if he is going to walk away for good.
We have 3 children, 6, 4 and 2. I have told them he's away with work for this week.
I don't know how he can be so cruel. It's been 2 days so far and he's said he's enjoying his time away, he doesn't miss me as of yet, and he feels unsure about our future.
What am I supposed to do? Sit here for a week and let him decide? I am doing everything on my own whilst he is figuring his head out.
Should I just call it a day? We have been together 18 years!! I never thought this would happen. How can he be enjoying his time away when his children are here!
I'm upset, I feel sick, I don't sleep, I feel angry. I want him to come back and work on things like a grown up. But will I be a le to trust him now. Urgh!!!!!!!!!

Take back the power and leave him.

BettyBardMacDonald · 07/09/2024 20:07

DustyLee123 · 07/09/2024 18:13

I’d take control and tell him it’s over, not wait for him to decide. He’s having an emotional affair, if not more

This. Why let him be the decider?

He's made it clear that you and his family are not his priority, that someone else "makes him happy" (whatever the fuck that means, but I imagine we all know...) and that he is willing to let you dangle, worry and suffer.

What kind of marriage could be dredged up out of those ashes? Just take charge and see a solicitor ASAP. Tell you useless lout to stay where he is, that you have found YOU don't miss HIM.

Littleorangeflowers · 07/09/2024 20:09

What a dick. Read 'the script'. Change the locks. File for divorce. Get on universal credit. Get a job. Share the kids. Get a better job. Live your best life. The grass he thinks might be greener or that he needs to go have a look at might turn out to be brown. Meanwhile you can cut your own grass and it'll be lovely. Oh and chumplady.com xx

HellonHeels · 07/09/2024 20:09

GrumpyInsomniac · 07/09/2024 18:36

He’s basically given himself a hall pass to try on the other person to see if life is easier that way. And no shit, away from 3 young kids with a new partner who is desperate to impress and still in the honeymoon phase, I’m sure he will indeed think the grass is greener.

He thinks he holds all the cards because you’re financially dependent on his income. So go and Google “entitled to” so you can find out what benefits you’re entitled to claim if his departure is permanent. Use the fact that you’re in the house and can access any paperwork you need easily to make sure you have copies of everything important in terms of bank statements etc. And start calling divorce lawyers on Monday.

If nothing else, you need to come back at this from a position of power. He should not be dictating the terms, and he’s made very clear that the only one he cares about in all this is himself. I know it doesn’t feel like this right now, but you deserve better and his depression does not excuse or explain his behaviour.

This! All of it.

He's an utter shit. He's "depressed" because he wants to keep on shagging another woman and his home life with wife and his lovely but very demanding kids is getting in the way of that.

What a prick.

Goldbar · 07/09/2024 20:09

I'd message him today and tell him you've decided for him, can he please come and collect his stuff.

LozzaChops101 · 07/09/2024 20:11

I actually think it’s really considerate of him to give you a week to change the locks, book an appointment with a solicitor, get all your documents together, etc(!)

I couldn’t have him back, OP.

The assumption that you’ll just hang around waiting for his decision is permanent ick fodder. The arrogance.

Elasticatedtrousers · 07/09/2024 20:12

‘Also - and this may be difficult - reflect of why he might feel unsure about your relationship’.

@Tartantotty nice bit of victim blaming bs!!!!

dreamuntilitsyours · 07/09/2024 20:12

What a prick.

My ex-DH did very similar. We had twins who were 6 months old and he said he was struggling with his mental health and started booking himself into hotels locally to "give himself a break". (Bear in mind it was me at home caring for the young babies on no sleep on my own every day!)

Anyway one night I went into his emails and found he'd booked a hotel but then had booked a taxi to go to a woman's house.

He'd been using his time in hotels to chat to women on dating apps and if they weren't meeting him at the hotel he was leaving the hotel, going to their house and then returning to the hotel for a solid nights sleep. Poor lamb must've needed it.

Losing that deadweight was the best decision I ever made. I don't think I would have ever fully forgiven cheating, but the outright mind games he played with me, making me worry about his wellbeing when I should have been focusing on being a Mum... I'll never forgive him for that.

TheNuthatch · 07/09/2024 20:13

He's having an affair op, plain as day!

How many of these shitty men decide that they are mentally unwell when they are actually having an affair! How many bloody times have we heard that one on here! They are always pretending that they're having some kind of fucking breakdown because they can't face the shame and guilt of admitting what they truly are.

Don't take him back op, he knows what he's done, but he's such a coward that he wants to punish you further by trying to make it your fault. Don't let him have that power, take control for you and your children. Start looking for work, get your ducks in a row and get some legal advice. If you divorce, there's a good chance that you'll be able to stay in the home until the dc are 18. I also think you'll be entitled to more than 50% if you have the kids. There are loads of very divorce savvy women on MN who can help you.

Tell him your done, he's already staying elsewhere so it will be easier. Give him his stuff, change the locks and start living for YOU and your dc. Hold your head high!

Spirallingdownwards · 07/09/2024 20:13

Sirzy · 07/09/2024 18:27

It wouldn’t automatically be a 50/50 split but if he wanted to fight for it then it would likely be awarded unless there is very compelling reason otherwise.

either way I would look at working to get back into employment so your not reliant on him. This has shown that things are at best rocky so as hard as it is look at future proofing for yourself.

remember your happiness counts too.

Actually in the situation described it is more likely she would get more than 50/50. Long marriage and a SAHP with 3 kids under 6 she needs to house.

WitchyBits · 07/09/2024 20:14

I bet you a penny to a pound that he isn't depressed and in reality his "mental health issues" are actually guilt from shagging around while you are at home raising his kids. I cheated years ago when I was young and stupid and it sent me on an absolute spiral into a breakdown. I felt a ridiculous lack of respect and even a resentment for the person I was ina relationship with but in reality that was me projecting onto them due to my awful behaviour. They did the very best thing and dumped my sorry arse and never ever looked back. If they had given me another chance I would have been sorry and apologetic and within 5-6 months I'd have been doing it again. I was very emotionally immature and bring dumped and forced to face my behaviour and the consequences was over of the first steps to me getting the therapy I needed to become a better person. But making that choice to accept responsibility is hard.

I doubt your fella will do go down the "accepting responsibility" route , he will likely just shack up with the new woman and then knock her up too and cut your maintenance. I doubt he would want 50/50 as he doesn't want to be with his now and is happy to walk out.

You need to get a job/retrain asap. You are in a very very vulnerable position. You need to re enter the workforce and increase your earning power as soon as possible. And dump his sorry arse ASAP.

MumApril1990 · 07/09/2024 20:15

Change the locks

dreamuntilitsyours · 07/09/2024 20:17

TheNuthatch · 07/09/2024 20:13

He's having an affair op, plain as day!

How many of these shitty men decide that they are mentally unwell when they are actually having an affair! How many bloody times have we heard that one on here! They are always pretending that they're having some kind of fucking breakdown because they can't face the shame and guilt of admitting what they truly are.

Don't take him back op, he knows what he's done, but he's such a coward that he wants to punish you further by trying to make it your fault. Don't let him have that power, take control for you and your children. Start looking for work, get your ducks in a row and get some legal advice. If you divorce, there's a good chance that you'll be able to stay in the home until the dc are 18. I also think you'll be entitled to more than 50% if you have the kids. There are loads of very divorce savvy women on MN who can help you.

Tell him your done, he's already staying elsewhere so it will be easier. Give him his stuff, change the locks and start living for YOU and your dc. Hold your head high!

Just to add to this, when I started the divorce proceedings I spoke to a number of family solicitors, many of whom give 30 mins free advice. This helped in two ways; one I was armoured and two once they'd spoken to me they couldn't represent him- so made his life a little trickier!

When we settled he got way less than 50%, he walked out on his children and I couldn't trust that he would provide for them (hes proven me right!) so the order was well stacked in my favour thanks to a great solicitor and the fact he was distracted by trying to find a new victim (girlfriend)

Muffinlover2 · 07/09/2024 20:18

I am sorry, this must feel awful.

Your children are lucky to have you.

The way he has done this to you is so manipulative. Think of how he could have handled this situation differently. He has all the power here. You have to wait for his decision. What a sick, pathetic man trying to mess with your head, telling you someone else is making him happy. What about your happiness?

People can split amicably. They can go through bad times and need a break.
However, they decide together mutually, unless they are playing sick power games to boost their ego. He is a man who has put his own 'feelings' first over his children and his wife's wellbeing. He's finished. Can you respect him again? Will you feel safe and secure? If you can work it out, will he get restless and leave again?

Please look after yourself.