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Original poster

Husband left for a week

505 replies

Bboo3 · 07/09/2024 18:08

My husband is possibly suffering from depression, he has just been given sertraline, they take up to 6 weeks to kick in fully.
In the mean time he has decided be needs a week break from me and our 3 children, so has moved in with a friend. He said he needs this week to miss me and to decide what he wants going forward. I asked him if there's another woman, and he said there is someone making him happy, but nothing has happened.
I feel like it's emotional abuse, sat here waiting a week to decide whether we are going to fight for our marriage or if he is going to walk away for good.
We have 3 children, 6, 4 and 2. I have told them he's away with work for this week.
I don't know how he can be so cruel. It's been 2 days so far and he's said he's enjoying his time away, he doesn't miss me as of yet, and he feels unsure about our future.
What am I supposed to do? Sit here for a week and let him decide? I am doing everything on my own whilst he is figuring his head out.
Should I just call it a day? We have been together 18 years!! I never thought this would happen. How can he be enjoying his time away when his children are here!
I'm upset, I feel sick, I don't sleep, I feel angry. I want him to come back and work on things like a grown up. But will I be a le to trust him now. Urgh!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Royaly82 · 07/09/2024 20:42

I'm going through something similar and am furious tonight at myself. I found out my husband was cheating with multiple women two years ago. He gave me the depression line, went sober and became a 'new man' and a few months later I took him back. 4 months ago he walked out again saying he wasn't happy and need a few days away to 'think'. I was deverstated but told him if he left he would never be back. He walked out anyway. Like an absolute idiot on my birthday he took me and the children out for dinner stayed for drinks and when they went to bed one thing led to another. We talked about getting back on track. Two days ago he says he needs to go away for a couple of days to 'think'. Took his passport this morning and has had his phone switched off since 10am. I'm sitting here beside myself with anger and worry as to if he's even okay. I've been physically sick this evening. No one knows where he's gone. I wish with every part of me I'd blocked him 2 years ago and I would be free of this misery now. Please don't put yourself through what I am now. Please please tell him it's over, find your strength and NEVER look back

hot2trotter · 07/09/2024 20:42

For him to say he's not "missing you yet", I take it that means you've been in contact with him? Please, stop the contact (unless it's to discuss the children obviously, and keep it basic - even better would be letting him communicate through a third party). He cares more about himself than he does for them or he wouldn't have left them, by the way.
You are handing him all of the power and letting him decide your future. Don't be a doormat and kick him to the curb. At the very least he's disrespecting you, keeping you dangling, and having an emotional affair.
If it were me, he would not be coming back through that door.

Cherrysoup · 07/09/2024 20:43

thistimelastweek · 07/09/2024 18:24

Isn't he special . Off deciding whether to grace his family with his future engagement.
The arrogance of that would put me off him for life.

Same. I’d be tempted to send a message say him being away has made you realise that this is what you want, no way in hell would I sit back and wait for him to play games, he can fuck right off. I highly dfed fight for 50/50, sounds like he doesn’t give a crap about the dc! I’m very angry for you. 🤬

IWasHittingMyMarks · 07/09/2024 20:43

Check your bank accounts.

Get legal advice asap.

He's literally deciding between you and someone else and expecting you to play 'pick me, pick me'. Don't.

GrumpyInsomniac · 07/09/2024 20:43

Lindalove · 07/09/2024 20:30

Hi, when you start to take sertraline you often feel a LOT worse for a week or so before you feel better. Please don’t judge him, he’s in a bad way and is trying to simply cope. In 6-8 weeks things might be very very different. Please don’t listen to anyone telling you to forget him etc, you just need to sit this out for a bit, if you love him.

Pretty sure the other woman predates the sertraline, though. No matter what side-effects he’s having or how hard the sertraline has hit him, that’s not really what’s at issue.

About the only thing I might credit the sertraline with is maybe his decision to cut loose and leave OP for a week and not give a shiny shit how much he hurts her nor what the consequences of that may be.

middleagedandinarage · 07/09/2024 20:44

DustyLee123 · 07/09/2024 18:13

I’d take control and tell him it’s over, not wait for him to decide. He’s having an emotional affair, if not more

Tell him you're saving him the stress and making the decision for him. That is selfish to the max, depression or not. Do you know for sure he's staying with a friend? I'll bet he's with whoever is "making him happy" and going to make his decision after spending a week with her.

Jurassicparkinajug · 07/09/2024 20:45

I’m so sorry OP. Your world has just come crashing down. You must have so many thoughts and emotions running through your head. It’s the betrayal of it all, wondering how your husband of so many years can treat you and your children with so much disrespect. I really feel for you. I agree with taking some of the power back if you can. Don’t let him treat you like this. You can’t unfortunately change what is happening or how he is feeling. You’re going have to start looking to a future when you aren’t together. But please remember your self worth in this. Keep your head held high, he’s the one who has done wrong, he’s been an arsehole. Stay strong x

Lifeomars · 07/09/2024 20:49

If he is enjoying his time away and someone else is making him happy then I would hazard a guess that he may not be all that depressed. Many people with depression struggle to feel any joy or pleasure, (and I speak from experience) there is just this pervasive numbness, a soul sapping weariness that affects every area of life and emotions. Of course it is different for everyone, but in general a flattening of mood and an inability to derive any sort of pleasure from anything is one of the significant indicators,

2024riot · 07/09/2024 20:50

wizzywig · 07/09/2024 20:32

Believe me, he wouldn't have the kids 50/50, he'll want a new shiny life.

Absolutely this.

Get angry, don't play the pick me dance or waste your emotions worrying about his depression, gather as much information as you can and put yourself first

Holidaysrule · 07/09/2024 20:51

Can you imagine his face if you’d told him you were “taking a week” and “someone else was making you happy” and then you swanned off leaving him with the children? It would be a bloody picture, I’m sure and he would call you every name under the sun for being so irresponsible…….but when it’s him…..different rules apply. Asshat.

Lifeomars · 07/09/2024 20:54

Holidaysrule · 07/09/2024 20:51

Can you imagine his face if you’d told him you were “taking a week” and “someone else was making you happy” and then you swanned off leaving him with the children? It would be a bloody picture, I’m sure and he would call you every name under the sun for being so irresponsible…….but when it’s him…..different rules apply. Asshat.

This. Oh lord, so many of them are just so tedious, selfish and predictable.

LBFseBrom · 07/09/2024 20:56

Depression sucks. If he is on Sertraline (or nearly any other drug), he will experience some unpleasant side effects and it is best for him to be dealing with it alone, frankly. He may need more than a week.

As for the other person who makes him feel happy, depressed people do seek relief in all sorts of ways, sometimes another person: it's akin to an anaesthetic but it doesn't usually last.

It's up to you whether you want to wait and see or call it a day now. Nobody would blame you for ending the marriage but take time to think about it while he is away.

Good luck.

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 07/09/2024 21:00

So he’s not missing you what of the kids has he seen them phoned them been missing them.

depression doesn’t turn you into a cunt to the ones your meant to love or think they can check out under the guise of depression. I’ve had depression but I didn’t fuck off for the week and having someone to make me happy bullshit.

There is someone in the wings emotional affair but now he’s in the affair stage. To see if he wants this he’s admitted it to you. That’s crossing the line.

id do one phone call and tell him to take the week but he’s blocked on everything and you take this time to take stock of what you want. Not what he wants he’s already done that, time for you.

id get back into training for a job UC will help here for that as youngest is 2.
yes the kids are your world but time away from them works wonders to as a lot of parents have been there and have benefited from it.

MumblesParty · 07/09/2024 21:00

LBFseBrom · 07/09/2024 20:56

Depression sucks. If he is on Sertraline (or nearly any other drug), he will experience some unpleasant side effects and it is best for him to be dealing with it alone, frankly. He may need more than a week.

As for the other person who makes him feel happy, depressed people do seek relief in all sorts of ways, sometimes another person: it's akin to an anaesthetic but it doesn't usually last.

It's up to you whether you want to wait and see or call it a day now. Nobody would blame you for ending the marriage but take time to think about it while he is away.

Good luck.

@LBFseBrom I suspect he’s feeling depressed because he’s torn between his marriage and his mistress. Whenever I’ve been in a relationship and feel myself falling out of love, my mood has always dipped. Also, it’s what most people say before they leave their partners - they excuse their detached behaviour by saying they’re depressed/stressed. We see it time and again on here.

Lifeomars · 07/09/2024 21:02

I am so sorry that you and your children are being treated in this way. You must be feeling totally blindsided by this man's actions and the things he is saying to you. No wonder you feel so upset and shaky, shock expresses itself physically as well as though our emotions. I hope that you have some support in real life, family and friends who are there for you, ready with practical help and a listening ear too. You will get through this and you will be surprised at how strong and resourceful you are. I really feel for you and your little ones, nobody deserves this but I promise you that one day it will start to feel better

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 07/09/2024 21:04

LBFseBrom · 07/09/2024 20:56

Depression sucks. If he is on Sertraline (or nearly any other drug), he will experience some unpleasant side effects and it is best for him to be dealing with it alone, frankly. He may need more than a week.

As for the other person who makes him feel happy, depressed people do seek relief in all sorts of ways, sometimes another person: it's akin to an anaesthetic but it doesn't usually last.

It's up to you whether you want to wait and see or call it a day now. Nobody would blame you for ending the marriage but take time to think about it while he is away.

Good luck.

Seeking out another isn’t true mostly when depressed in fact it’s the opposite no lustre for shagging another in 99% of cases because depression and the tablets do a bloody number on you for your libido.

Teasloth · 07/09/2024 21:06

My kids dad tried to move in with a friend to decide if to stay or not.
He came back a week later to all his stuff in bin bags.

I wouldn't worry about having to share the kids... In my experience these men never want more than a night a fortnight anyway and even that will soon lose its appeal to him.

Bin him off. He's seeing someone and his depression is just what he's using as an excuse.
Last time I checked depression didn't make you an adulterer

There's def another woman. There always is.

Would you even want him back now knowing how little he respects you? He's literally told you he doesn't miss you. That woukd make me be done

Genevieva · 07/09/2024 21:07

Tell him not to come back. You are not a back-up option or a fall-back plan.

Westiegirl3 · 07/09/2024 21:09

I'm absolutely furious for you, how dare he thinks it's okay to treat you this way.
Please take control and put yourself first

MimiSunshine · 07/09/2024 21:10

Tomorrow night, he gets the kids for 2 nights. Tell him that he doesn’t just get to walk away and Jesse you to it, if he’s thinking of leaving his marriage then he needs to understand that he’s still a dad and he’ll have responsibilities.
tough shit if he can’t have them at his friends house, he can figure it out.

and that includes having 50:50 of his kids and getting to school and arranging childcare on his days.

dont panic it’s not going to set it in stone that he has 50:50 in a split but if you do split because he leaves then you are no longer his childcare.
youll have to get a job but he’ll also have half if all holidays to take care of too.

not that I’m saying you stay married to save him childcare bills but he needs to understand from the get go that he doesn’t just get freedom if he leaves.

Holidaysrule · 07/09/2024 21:10

@LBFseBrom I have been depressed and on sertraline. At no point did it make me declare that “someone else was making me happy” to my husband. I was depressed, not having an affair or wanting to.

Globules · 07/09/2024 21:14

Bastard

WizardOfAus · 07/09/2024 21:15

Mate. He’s 100% having an affair.

He’s not depressed. He’s feeling guilty and the shame is weighing heavy.

You need to get out. Now.

Justsayit123 · 07/09/2024 21:18

Wow, what a dick. I’d make the decision to not have him back. You’re clearly not his priority and he’s just a turd.

Fannyfiggs · 07/09/2024 21:18

I'm so sorry this has happened OP. The wise women of Mumsnet have given you some excellent advice of what to do. Please please know your worth and that your husband does not deserve you waiting around for him to decide who makes him happier.

I'm afraid he's not depressed, it's all part of the script that men give when they're having an affair, even an emotional one.

Chin up honey, your best years are yet to come ❤️

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