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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband left for a week

505 replies

Bboo3 · 07/09/2024 18:08

My husband is possibly suffering from depression, he has just been given sertraline, they take up to 6 weeks to kick in fully.
In the mean time he has decided be needs a week break from me and our 3 children, so has moved in with a friend. He said he needs this week to miss me and to decide what he wants going forward. I asked him if there's another woman, and he said there is someone making him happy, but nothing has happened.
I feel like it's emotional abuse, sat here waiting a week to decide whether we are going to fight for our marriage or if he is going to walk away for good.
We have 3 children, 6, 4 and 2. I have told them he's away with work for this week.
I don't know how he can be so cruel. It's been 2 days so far and he's said he's enjoying his time away, he doesn't miss me as of yet, and he feels unsure about our future.
What am I supposed to do? Sit here for a week and let him decide? I am doing everything on my own whilst he is figuring his head out.
Should I just call it a day? We have been together 18 years!! I never thought this would happen. How can he be enjoying his time away when his children are here!
I'm upset, I feel sick, I don't sleep, I feel angry. I want him to come back and work on things like a grown up. But will I be a le to trust him now. Urgh!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Jeschara · 07/09/2024 20:19

What a peach. Make it easy for him, look at UC, get a solicitor and get maintenance sorted out.
He does not get to choose if you don't let him. You have three kids and he has responsibilities.

As for telling you after 2 days he is not missing you, words fail me, he is a thick arrogant twat who is playing a nasty game. Self centred weak and stupid.

Do you have family or friends you can confide in to help you? Honestly if only you csn see whst others see. He is a joke.

Teacherprebaby · 07/09/2024 20:21

Bboo3 · 07/09/2024 18:23

Wow you guys are brutal, it's just what I need 😂
I do love him, and I do want him to come back. But I know I'm being stupid.
If it is his depression that he needs to get under control, then do I need to let him sort that?
Emotional affair? I've never heard that expression before
I just feel so stressed and ill, I've been physically sick. When does all that go away?
We'd lose our family house, I'm a stay at home mum for our 3 kids whilst he brought all the money.
I also feel sick to the core about sharing my children, them sleeping away would kill me. I haven't spent more than a couple of nights away from them. They are my everything.
Do I have to share 50/50?
I'm on the UK if that makes a difference

Forget about his so called depression FFS! Someone else is making him happy remember!! Doesn't sound like depressing to me!!

Ukholidaysaregreat · 07/09/2024 20:21

What a cheeky fucking bastard. What do you want OP? Think about yourself. Cheeky fucker. Of course he is having a great week without the kids. Xxx

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 07/09/2024 20:21

@Bboo3 the only thing making him feel sad is the fact that he cannot make up his mind who he wants to be with!! he is a selfish git only thinking of himself, not of you and your three joint children!!! if you take him back, dont expect him to stay. he will leave again and some point and he will always blame you for any troubles he has!!! while he is away, start getting your financial details and accounts sorted. deeds to house, passports, birth certificates etc safely put away perhaps in the boot of your car if you cant take them to your parents or a safe house. at this point, you need support, perhaps from your sister if you have one, or a parent or best friend. x

Thevelvelletes · 07/09/2024 20:21

LozzaChops101 · 07/09/2024 20:11

I actually think it’s really considerate of him to give you a week to change the locks, book an appointment with a solicitor, get all your documents together, etc(!)

I couldn’t have him back, OP.

The assumption that you’ll just hang around waiting for his decision is permanent ick fodder. The arrogance.

Hahaha,I like your way of thinking on the outset of your post.
K
Joking aside I realise this is someone's life.Op has such a lot to contend with.

Bobbybobbins · 07/09/2024 20:21

Ffs 'enjoying his time away' and 'doesn't miss you' What a knob. Time to get rid OP.

ChocoChocoLatte · 07/09/2024 20:23

He can get in the bin. And take his 'someone making him happy' with him.

You are his wife and mother of his children but he is treating you like a disposable affair.

No thank you.

Off you pop.

readysteadynono · 07/09/2024 20:23

Bboo3 · 07/09/2024 18:23

Wow you guys are brutal, it's just what I need 😂
I do love him, and I do want him to come back. But I know I'm being stupid.
If it is his depression that he needs to get under control, then do I need to let him sort that?
Emotional affair? I've never heard that expression before
I just feel so stressed and ill, I've been physically sick. When does all that go away?
We'd lose our family house, I'm a stay at home mum for our 3 kids whilst he brought all the money.
I also feel sick to the core about sharing my children, them sleeping away would kill me. I haven't spent more than a couple of nights away from them. They are my everything.
Do I have to share 50/50?
I'm on the UK if that makes a difference

I’d be furious! And I’d be having the opposite reaction in terms of care of the kids. He needs to have the kids 50:50 Sun-Wed morning with you and Wed afternoon to Saturday with him so that he can forget this idea he gets to skip off into the sunset and leave anything resembling effort behind. You need to be able to work if he leaves, so get him sharing the childcare meaningfully.

MummyJ36 · 07/09/2024 20:25

OP kindly….depression is not an excuse for being a twat.

OnthePisteAgain · 07/09/2024 20:26

So many posters advising "Change the locks!" Honestly this has been gone over on so many threads, you CANNOT do this. If the this is the main residence of either party (whether married or not) you can't lock them out. They can get an emergency court order to be allowed back into the house. This happened to a friend of mine, house in her name, not married but partner had lived with her for many years.

Livelovebehappy · 07/09/2024 20:26

What an abusive twat he is OP. He’s keeping you on the back burner whilst he pursues something with the OW, to see if she’s into him enough to start a proper relationship with him. And if it’s going to work for him. Take control of the situation. He’s an awful person, and you need to know your own worth, and that you deserve someone a hundred times better than him. Sounds like he brings absolutely nothing to your life, but misery and stress. People treat you how you allow them to treat you. Don’t let him treat you like crap, and tell him to get his stuff, get out and then make your next step ringing and attending a solicitor’s appointment. Be strong.

AmberAlert86 · 07/09/2024 20:28

Wow what a prince! He's off enjoying life whilst you look after your family and have to lie to cover his tracks!
I wouldn't be surprised if he's carrying out full blown affair. Poor soul must be in need of excitement of new relationship.

It's not difficult to get depression diagnosis from GP, it's all am excuse, and it's a pathetic excuse. He's depressed, his MH is bad so he needs new relationship "to make him happy".
I'm sorry you're going through this but you must consider yourself divorced and single parent from now on.
I'm sure Mumsnetters will give you some excellent practical advice, and I hope you take him to the cleaners ( andI never say that, that's how angry I am for you)

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 07/09/2024 20:30

@Bboo3 Are you sure that he is with a "friend" and not the woman who he keeping him "happy"????? has he gone on holiday with her??? check if his passport is there! check the accounts to see if he has removed a lot of money recently!

Lindalove · 07/09/2024 20:30

Hi, when you start to take sertraline you often feel a LOT worse for a week or so before you feel better. Please don’t judge him, he’s in a bad way and is trying to simply cope. In 6-8 weeks things might be very very different. Please don’t listen to anyone telling you to forget him etc, you just need to sit this out for a bit, if you love him.

wizzywig · 07/09/2024 20:32

Believe me, he wouldn't have the kids 50/50, he'll want a new shiny life.

Livingtothefull · 07/09/2024 20:33

I have suffered severe depression a few times in my life, to the point of being suicidal. I don't say I was at my best during those times but even at my worst I never betrayed or abandoned those who depend on me. It was just never an option for me.

Not boasting: I know there are many many others with much the same story. When you have depression you get the help that is there but you don't abandon your family. Depression is just no excuse at all for what your 'D'H is doing to you.

Loub1987 · 07/09/2024 20:34

He sounds like an absolute jackass. Needs to leave for a week because of his ‘depression’, has someone who ‘makes him happy’. Well he can F off and stay with them. Life is way too short to waste on this loser who will no doubt find many people to make him happy in the coming years.

You can do this @Bboo3 , don’t let him control the situation.

EI12 · 07/09/2024 20:36

Swine, emotional sadist. You are better off shot of him. What is it? He is deciding if you and the children are good enough to try again? Swine.

Balletdreamer · 07/09/2024 20:36

In a rage for you. Not been through divorce so no advice to share but no one deserves this. You said you’re worried about 50/50 childcare, I mean it doesn’t seem like he’d want that given he’s had no problem leaving them for a week. Absolute arsehole. I get that feelings change and relationships end, but I cannot understand how a parent could leave their children, how they can just decide they don’t want to bother anymore. Disgusting. You will get through this, take some time to follow the good advice from others. You will be ok.

Demonhunter · 07/09/2024 20:37

Urgh he's so cliché! Think "A little time" by The Beautiful South.
He doesn't deserve you waiting around with baited breath, he can get to fuck! Just urgh, these men!!!

BirthdayRainbow · 07/09/2024 20:37

We can all say what you're supposed to do but that would be wrong as there is no supposed. What do you want to do? He is being cruel to you. He is being a shit father. You are supposed to be begging him to come back and then be grateful and quiet and shut up so you don't scare him off again.

Being depressed is not a free pass to be a dick and walk out in your kids.

Thevelvelletes · 07/09/2024 20:37

Livingtothefull · 07/09/2024 20:33

I have suffered severe depression a few times in my life, to the point of being suicidal. I don't say I was at my best during those times but even at my worst I never betrayed or abandoned those who depend on me. It was just never an option for me.

Not boasting: I know there are many many others with much the same story. When you have depression you get the help that is there but you don't abandon your family. Depression is just no excuse at all for what your 'D'H is doing to you.

Exactly those of us that have had the withdrawal from life,not wanting to talk to anyone,self isolation and all the other stuff that depression brings,I always made sure family knew it wasn't anything that they had done and when you feel like that you wouldn't be going on about someone who makes you happy.
Lying git.

TheNuthatch · 07/09/2024 20:38

OnthePisteAgain · 07/09/2024 20:26

So many posters advising "Change the locks!" Honestly this has been gone over on so many threads, you CANNOT do this. If the this is the main residence of either party (whether married or not) you can't lock them out. They can get an emergency court order to be allowed back into the house. This happened to a friend of mine, house in her name, not married but partner had lived with her for many years.

I hear you, but I'd do it anyway in this situation. Let him get a court order!
After all, he's far too mentally unwell to be around his small children and has already left the home 😉

IOSTT · 07/09/2024 20:39

Lindalove · 07/09/2024 20:30

Hi, when you start to take sertraline you often feel a LOT worse for a week or so before you feel better. Please don’t judge him, he’s in a bad way and is trying to simply cope. In 6-8 weeks things might be very very different. Please don’t listen to anyone telling you to forget him etc, you just need to sit this out for a bit, if you love him.

But he says he is feeling happy!

mcmooberry · 07/09/2024 20:40

It's not the depression it's the woman. My advice is not to come across as weak or desperate, he will just despise you as the person getting in the way of his happiness with the woman. Remind him he is the father of 3 young children and he'd better be sure he wants to throw it all away as you won't be waiting for him.
Please find your strength , you will be glad of it in the future.