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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

daughter absolutely devastated after being on end of disgusting game

221 replies

thgdd55 · 05/09/2024 12:43

My daughter is struggling and won't leave the house after being a victim of such an awful game of "who can sleep with the ugliest girl in room" she was completely used by a complete sicko and I am unsure how to get her help so she can't get past this

OP posts:
FoxyLocksie · 05/09/2024 13:40

How horrible, OP. Your poor daughter must have felt so used and humiliated.

But what I don't understand is why she would have consented to sex with a total stranger whom she'd only just met. Has she ever done that before? Does she understand the potential dangers? I think that's a question she needs to gently ask herself. Had she had too much alcohol, for example, and wasn't thinking clearly?

Perhaps this horrible experience might help her in the future to be aware of the vital importance of always remaining in full control of one's decision-making. I do hope she is able to come to terms with this experience, put it behind her and emerge all the wiser for it.

Toomanyemails · 05/09/2024 13:40

What absolutely vile and pathetic men.
How did people respond to the 'toast'? How do your family feel about this happening at their wedding? Some men will always be pigs but I'm especially horrified if they felt comfortable and unchallenged doing this around friends and family. If they are friends/relatives of your family, I'd be rethinking my relationship with them depending on their response.

A professional will have helpful advice on what you can do to support her. She will likely benefit from speaking to someone at some point, but let her take things at her own pace, make sure that everyone who's already aware takes her lead on how she wants to deal with this, make sure you're clear that any shame is absolutely not hers, and just try to give her as much love and safety as you can.

NOTANUM · 05/09/2024 13:41

This is someone’s son, someone’s brother, someone’s cousin.. What kind of respect is that for women? I will say the same for every one of the people in that group.

”Boys will be boys” - rubbish. Only when their male and female role models don’t show them a positive example over a lifetime.

OP- no advice but tell your DD to hold her head up high even when they go low.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 05/09/2024 13:42

Multiple people left a wedding reception to go to their hotel rooms and hook up with people they had never met before, and then returned to the wedding reception where a crowning ceremony took place for at least three of the men? I’ve been to a lot of weddings, I have lots of female friends, and I used to have fun when I was younger, but this seems so unlikely to me that it’s hard to comment on the situation as you present it OP. Of course, you are not accountable to me and you don’t have to explain but I can’t get my head around any of that happening.

Lemonadeand · 05/09/2024 13:43

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 05/09/2024 13:03

Can she take back her dignity somehow?

Were the couple being married aware their friends played this sick trick? Can the perpetrators be shamed by the couple announcing that making someone think they were liked to win a sick game is cruel and hideous, and shunning them?

Unfortunately I think this needs a group response to have any affect on either the nasty people who did it or your dd's confidence.

This is not informed consent, she would not have slept with him if she knew it was a cruel joke. She might have been willing at the time, thinking he actually liked her, but the aftereffects would be emotionally akin to rape because she did not know what she was involved in and it would have been NO. And added to that, it was humiliating as the whole thing was a public joke.

How were they not rounded on and torn to shreds by anyone there who had a scrap of decency?!

How were they not rounded on and torn to shreds by anyone there who had a scrap of decency?!

Yes, I wondered this too.

Maurepas · 05/09/2024 13:43

Surely the wedding party must follow this up and contact the men (how old were they?) involved to complain about their behaviour? Who would want this at their wedding? Was everyone drunk? But why did you not say something to them at the time - as you were there and just let it go, it seems?

anotherside · 05/09/2024 13:44

ISpyNoPlumPie · 05/09/2024 13:42

Multiple people left a wedding reception to go to their hotel rooms and hook up with people they had never met before, and then returned to the wedding reception where a crowning ceremony took place for at least three of the men? I’ve been to a lot of weddings, I have lots of female friends, and I used to have fun when I was younger, but this seems so unlikely to me that it’s hard to comment on the situation as you present it OP. Of course, you are not accountable to me and you don’t have to explain but I can’t get my head around any of that happening.

Yeah I mean, perhaps at a wedding of 200+ people with many of the guests single and in their 20s? But otherwise it’s a bit weird.

soberholic · 05/09/2024 13:44

I'm so sorry. This is beyond disgusting.

Toomanyemails · 05/09/2024 13:45

FoxyLocksie · 05/09/2024 13:40

How horrible, OP. Your poor daughter must have felt so used and humiliated.

But what I don't understand is why she would have consented to sex with a total stranger whom she'd only just met. Has she ever done that before? Does she understand the potential dangers? I think that's a question she needs to gently ask herself. Had she had too much alcohol, for example, and wasn't thinking clearly?

Perhaps this horrible experience might help her in the future to be aware of the vital importance of always remaining in full control of one's decision-making. I do hope she is able to come to terms with this experience, put it behind her and emerge all the wiser for it.

This is not at all the right time for OP to approach those victim blaming questions. It's perfectly normal for 20 year olds to pursue consensual casual sex and yes there are risks to that, but some men can be awful and cruel while in relationships with someone, or with women they've known for years. This person deceived OP's DD and treated her horribly, which is a fact whether the DD was drunk and had just met him or sober and knew him.

Redmat · 05/09/2024 13:47

So you all just stood there whilst someone announced third ,second and first place?
Like it was the Oscars or something.

Hadtocomment · 05/09/2024 13:49

This is awful @thgdd55

This is a time you need to really help your daughter understand some stuff about how men try to control women through taking away their confidence and humiliating them. By hiding inside she is letting them win and take away her self esteem and her living a happy life. She mustn't let them do this to her.

Firstly, attractiveness and societal ideas of this are used to control women and the aim is often to make women hide away, feel self-conscious, feel ashamed for whatever reason. It's simple bullying. Like a lot of bullying it's often just insecure pathetic people trying to humiliate others outside their group in order to curry favour inside their group. There is nothing that your daughter need feel ashamed of. Nothing that should make her hide away. These are just bog standard bullies making themselves feel bonded inside a group by going for someone outside their group. It means nothing about her. There is nothing objective here at all. Women must try to resist attempts to bully them out of the public sphere whether that be in politics, life, positions of power, or simply taking up space in public and in our public spaces. Look at some of the amazing women who people are attempting to bully out of public life. Maybe this might make her feel less alone. If they can do it...

Second, not that it matters a jot, but this lowlife found her attractive. So this horrible ceremony is something more about a general misogyny and nothing personal not even from this lowlife. Don't let them win. Stand up against this generalised misogyny but be aware of the potential nastiness of groups and particularly male groups.

If it's any help you can tell her about me who was once horribly abused for being fat in public, by a group of women, and the one who was the most abusive was twice the size of me. Whilst it was horrible to experience, it was so strange and obvious I was able to stand back and think what is going on here? Sometimes it's people's self-hatred and view of themselves that can create bullying nastiness, not their view of you. It's nothing to do with you and you have to try and get that distance and not take any of it on board. I'm attractive and that incident doesn't change that. I'm sure your daughter is too although of course her experience is so much worse than mine, but hopefully she can also shake it off eventually and be her own supporter.

Third, there are some good old feminist tomes like The Beauty Myth. I don't know if there's a moden equivalent. This is quite a useful set of ideas to look at in terms of ideas of "beauty" are created, capitalised and utilised in order to control women. Ideas of beauty are different in different eras and can be wildly varying. What unites is the way they are used to make people feel less than whether to be controlled by another person (sometimes by a family, or sometimes an abusive individual) or controlled by markets that want to get people to buy lots of unnecessary stuff. Take your own power and decide to stand up to that as well.

Lastly, give her a massive great hug and tell her she's loved and is beautiful and is a great person who is needed in this horrible world to get out there and be one of those who are decent and not let the lowlives take up all the room. This is horrible for her to go through. Being loved and supported is so imporant.

To add, if your family witnessed the toast why on earth didn't any of them march over and give them a piece of your mind?

PattayaDong · 05/09/2024 13:49

This reply has been deleted

This is the work of a previously banned poster.

Pinkbonbon · 05/09/2024 13:50

I remeber being told someone had only snogged me as part of a dare once and feeling crushed. But then I realised, I didn't really like those people anyway so why the fuck would I care about their opinion? Shitty people like to make other people feel shitty because of their own insecurities. But at 18 or so, it's still a horrible thing to happen and obviously not as bad as what happened to your daughter.

I would suggest she make it her bad bitch villain origin story and have a glow up. Not saying that she has to change for these assholes (but I can tell you for a fact that it's super satisfying when people who used to pick on you for your looks, try to hit on you) but a pampering session at a spa and some new clothes might help. Once she feels up to going out again.

For now, icecream and chocolate and movies about men getting their comupance.

She could also message the mothers of these men on social media to let then know what their sons get up to.

SuperGreens · 05/09/2024 13:51

I read a book recently that was transformative and I wish I had been given it aged 20: How to Meet Your Self by Nicole LePera. I think it will help your daughter with her self esteem and to move on from this.

Dolliesdisasterousdayout · 05/09/2024 13:51

If this was at your brothers (can’t remember if it was step or half) wedding than the guests are known to your brother?

I would find out where they work. If they want to behave like disgusting vile abusive arseholes then I think their work should know.

I hate violence but how did no one smack them?

your poor dd.

LadyKenya · 05/09/2024 13:51

Redmat · 05/09/2024 13:47

So you all just stood there whilst someone announced third ,second and first place?
Like it was the Oscars or something.

Edited

It would seem so. I honestly struggle to see how that could happen.

Pinkbonbon · 05/09/2024 13:56

And presumably your half brother is mortified? And has publicly codemed these assholes?

Otherwise I'd cut him off from my life and anyone in my family who didn't do the same.

banoffeelover · 05/09/2024 13:57

Rymeswithpunt · 05/09/2024 13:31

Sex by deception (which is what this was) is rape and against the law.
I would find the boy and leave him in no uncertainty that he is a rapist and you will be spreading that fact far and wide.

This is utter BS btw and frankly insulting to those who have been the victims of sexual assault.

A friend of mine had previously stopped taking the pill (and lied to her partner about it) with the intentions of getting pregnant. Should I inform her that she's a rapist?

NetflixAndKill · 05/09/2024 13:58

I’d be inclined to tell people o had absolutely nothing to do with him and wouldn’t sleep with him if he was the last man standing. Bat that ball straight back.

I hope your daughter is ok. 💕

aCatCalledFawkes · 05/09/2024 13:59

Thats horrible. Beggars belief that this game was being played out over a wedding with different girls/wedding guests being treated like this. I would have to say something to your brother.

Your poor daughter but she had a lucky escape. Imagine a man like that ending up as your boyfriend knowing that he had treated other women like that.

WildCats24 · 05/09/2024 14:01

So I’m trying to understand here…at least three men (you say there was a 1st-3rd, but were there more?) had one-night-stands at your HB’s wedding, and at the breakfast the next morning, they gave a speech to everyone, announcing the 1st-3rd place winners? And the only way the victims knew who they were, was by seeing “their” guy receive his accolades?

And nobody called them out? Bride? Groom? MOB? FOB? MOG? FOG? Nobody?

It’s an unfortunate event, but given that it sounds like DD consented, there’s not much that can be done. Perhaps it’s wise to have a discussion about protecting herself in the future by making sure she really cares about a guy, and that he really cares about her, before she decides to be intimate.

Pinkbonbon · 05/09/2024 14:01

banoffeelover · 05/09/2024 13:57

This is utter BS btw and frankly insulting to those who have been the victims of sexual assault.

A friend of mine had previously stopped taking the pill (and lied to her partner about it) with the intentions of getting pregnant. Should I inform her that she's a rapist?

I was sympathetic until the last part, as its a nuanced area.

But yes, sex by deception is technically rape.
Some rape is more violent than others.

You can steal a pencil or you can steal a car. One theft is much worse but both are still theft.

Your friend is disgusting. And so are you if you are keeping her secret.

Missingpotatocroquettes · 05/09/2024 14:01

banoffeelover · 05/09/2024 13:57

This is utter BS btw and frankly insulting to those who have been the victims of sexual assault.

A friend of mine had previously stopped taking the pill (and lied to her partner about it) with the intentions of getting pregnant. Should I inform her that she's a rapist?

Yes. That's an awful thing for her to do. The equivalent of a man secretly taking of a condom, which is also assault.

Scirocco · 05/09/2024 14:09

banoffeelover · 05/09/2024 13:57

This is utter BS btw and frankly insulting to those who have been the victims of sexual assault.

A friend of mine had previously stopped taking the pill (and lied to her partner about it) with the intentions of getting pregnant. Should I inform her that she's a rapist?

Uh, yes. You probably should.

Her partner is presumably consenting to sex with some form of contraception in place. He hasn't consented to sex without contraception, and consent obtained through deception is not informed consent and is not valid.

banoffeelover · 05/09/2024 14:10

Pinkbonbon · 05/09/2024 14:01

I was sympathetic until the last part, as its a nuanced area.

But yes, sex by deception is technically rape.
Some rape is more violent than others.

You can steal a pencil or you can steal a car. One theft is much worse but both are still theft.

Your friend is disgusting. And so are you if you are keeping her secret.

Keeping her secret. Lol. Nope I just mind my own business rather than going around throwing hand grenades into other peoples relationships.

Especially if in your own words some things are akin to 'stealing a pencil'.

I assume you've report every spectrum of crime you've ever witnessed/commited? If not that makes you a hypocrite and just as disgusting.