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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I acting in retaliation?

338 replies

thislittleworldofmine · 04/09/2024 08:05

My h and I have a one side open relationship. We have spent the last 18months where he has explored very slowly into other sexual options. He currently has sex regularly but doesn't have a girlfriend. Our own relationship is now sexless as part way through the journey I discovered I didn't want to be sexually active with someone who was sexually active with others. This hurt him a great deal and he felt I did it in retaliation. We got through that and I have again come up against something he feels is retaliation. I asked tonight if he would consider me having the same freedom as he has been afforded. I reassured him I was not looking, I had no male attention offered to me and that I didn't intend to act on the freedom in any way, shape or form but that I would like it to be a possibility in the future. He has basically spun out and said that he took 18 months of careful consideration of my feelings and he expected the same from me and if I didn't want it why was I asking and therefore it must be either something I want or a form of retaliation. Am I being blind to my own behaviour?

OP posts:

Bubblegum922 · 04/09/2024 08:10

People are allowed to form an opinion on things, change their minds, consider new options, learn about their wants and needs over any period of time, consider exploring, and question the status quo - especially over a period of 18 months.

He sounds selfish - that he just doesn’t want you to have the same freedoms as he has.

Magien · 04/09/2024 08:17

I don't know the etiquette of open relationships etc but it seems a very unfair system if it's only open for one of you. He's kind of expecting to have his cake and eat it when you don't get the same.

Spenditlikebeckham · 04/09/2024 08:18

I think you should swap the open relationship option to the divorce option. He is a bloody hypocrite..

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 04/09/2024 08:18

😂😂😂 he’s an idiot.

Better fish in the sea, OP.

Shoxfordian · 04/09/2024 08:19

I don't see why you don't just divorce then both happily sleep with other people

One side open isn't fair

Velvian · 04/09/2024 08:19

It sounds like you need to end the relationship @thislittleworldofmine . This does not sound healthy at all.

ZekeZeke · 04/09/2024 08:20

What’s good for the goose …….

Septemberalready · 04/09/2024 08:20

I'm sorry OP I don't think understand.
You are in a relationship where he has sex with who ever he likes?.And you understandably don't want to have sex with him because of this? And you are asking HIS permission to have sex with other people and he doesn't like this?

So what do you actually get out of this relationship? It's all set up for his benefit, his satisfaction. And what you want doesn't seem to matter.

I'm sorry I fail to see why you are in a relationship with this person at all. You apparently count for nothing in it.

Comtesse · 04/09/2024 08:26

He sounds like the ultimate CF to me, and very manipulative.

YellowAsteroid · 04/09/2024 08:29

So he wants to have sex outside the marriage but won't countenance you doing so?

You say you discussed this "one-sided open marriage" but it doesn't sound like you willingly consented.

He sounds like a self-centred arse. I'd be leaving ... No man is worth you second guessing yourself in the way that you are.

jsku · 04/09/2024 08:31

Is this a real post?
OP - swap ‘retaliation’ for ‘fairness’ and you’ll have your answer.
One way Open relationships isn't really a thing, if both people have a libido. The fundamental unfairness of such setup will destroy most relationships.

Original poster

thislittleworldofmine · 04/09/2024 08:33

Long story behind how we got to where we are. I am not blameless in the situation and it is not his ideal set up either. The conversation about the sex between us being over was fairly recent so I think it is a case of timing and he maybe thinks that me not wanting to have sex with him and wanting the possibility of having someone else in my life eventually are related. I can see why he may think this. It is really not the case. I am at a point where I am completely okay with him being with other people and I see us as friends and co-parents who happen to still live together. I truly want him to be happy and if that is doing what he is doing then that is okay, I just didn't want to go along for the ride and keep having sex with him. I am trying to be really honest with myself about what I have bought to the situation and sometimes it can be hard to analyse my own behaviour. I just wanted to check if I had overstepped as he certainly thinks I have.

OP posts:

RaspberryBeretxx · 04/09/2024 08:34

He wants to sleep around but you should be still willing to have sex with him and only him?! What made him (in his words) want to look outside the marriage in the first place and what made you agree? He’s being totally unreasonable and I’d say you’re acting very sensibly not “in retaliation”.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/09/2024 08:34

Is he having sex with men?

TheCultureHusks · 04/09/2024 08:36

No you haven’t overstepped.

If the relationship is open then it’s open.

If you aren’t exclusive because he does not want to be exclusive then that is what he has.

You can sleep with whoever you want to.

Anything else is really REALLY hard to explain without using the word ‘abusive’

Alongthepineconetrail · 04/09/2024 08:37

That's nit an open relationship, it's just cheating because he doesn't want you to have the same as him.

Dump him and move on.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 04/09/2024 08:37

@thislittleworldofmine so he is rallying against you for not wanting to be with someone who is having sex with every tom, dick or harriet that he meets?? in real life, you wouldnt put up with this shite so you need to knock this behaviour into the gutter where it belongs!! you have been allowing him to behave like a shit and he is a shit!

Original poster

thislittleworldofmine · 04/09/2024 08:38

jsku ·
One way Open relationships isn't really a thing, if both people have a libido - there was a definite sexual mismatch which we had not been able to bridge.

YellowAsteroid · Today 08:29
You say you discussed this "one-sided open marriage" but it doesn't sound like you willingly consented - we had tried several other ways of bridging the sexual mismatch between us and so this was a discussion and while I certainly had some difficulties during parts of the journey, I have to an absolute peace with his needs and my inability to provide for them and we are now trying to navigate our way forward.

OP posts:

BlastedPimples · 04/09/2024 08:41

He is totally taking the piss.

And you have let him.

summerdress81 · 04/09/2024 08:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

mumgodloveher · 04/09/2024 09:07

You see your relationship with him as 'friends and co-parents who happen to live together'. If he has an issue with you considering sleeping with other people in the future, then he sees the relationship differently. Sadly, given everything else you've said, he does not consider you an equal, respected partner. He still sees you as 'his' whilst also being able to do what he wants outside of the relationship. This is very one-sided and smacks of seeing you as a possession.

Original poster

thislittleworldofmine · 04/09/2024 09:18

Hmmm, just had a bit of an update and I am a little annoyed - we were meant to go to a show tonight but he said he wasn't in the mood due to our discussion. He went out and I thought it was to cool off but he has messaged me to say he went to the show anyway - now that feels a bit like retaliation but perhaps I am reading too much into it.

OP posts:

Redcliffe1 · 04/09/2024 09:18

Is it that he still wants to have sex with you and others (but you don't want to) and you still want to have sex just not with him. I can see how someone could find that hurtful. However it's completely up to you.

It sounds to me the relationship in your head is over - have you told him this?

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 04/09/2024 09:21

You don't have a one sided open relationship. You have a husband who is openly cheating on you and for some reason you're letting him get away with it

Original poster

thislittleworldofmine · 04/09/2024 09:24

Redcliffe1 · Today 09:18
Is it that he still wants to have sex with you and others (but you don't want to) and you still want to have sex just not with him. I can see how someone could find that hurtful. However it's completely up to you. - Right now, I don't want to have sex with anyone. I would consider a sexual relationship with him again it was monogamous and if we sorted out some of the other sexual discord between us. I am thinking more in the (far and distant) future that I would like to be able to consider another romantic relationship or someone in my life as D and I are really now more like friends. I have no interest or intentions on having sex with anyone and actually can no longer imagine wanting this but I can imagine that at some point I may want other male friends/companions or dating all of which he has had for the last 18 months (albeit females not males though I haven't asked too many details so maybe both?) I can see how I may be being hurtful and insensitive too, thank you I can see how he may have got that message.

OP posts:

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