Am I acting in retaliation?

[thislittleworldofmine]

My h and I have a one side open relationship. We have spent the last 18months where he has explored very slowly into other sexual options. He currently has sex regularly but doesn't have a girlfriend. Our own relationship is now sexless as part way through the journey I discovered I didn't want to be sexually active with someone who was sexually active with others. This hurt him a great deal and he felt I did it in retaliation. We got through that and I have again come up against something he feels is retaliation. I asked tonight if he would consider me having the same freedom as he has been afforded. I reassured him I was not looking, I had no male attention offered to me and that I didn't intend to act on the freedom in any way, shape or form but that I would like it to be a possibility in the future. He has basically spun out and said that he took 18 months of careful consideration of my feelings and he expected the same from me and if I didn't want it why was I asking and therefore it must be either something I want or a form of retaliation. Am I being blind to my own behaviour?

Is he the sole earner OP?

No he earns a lot more than I do (150k him, 40k me) he pays me money towards household costs including mortgage and then what ever is left each is ours to do as we wish. I work 30-35 hrs a week around the care needs of our daughter.

So realistically you could support yourself, although it may be difficult with the current set up you have now. Financially he will have responsibilities, and I imagine with childcare he’s not doing the bulk of it? How much is he actually doing? Can you write down a proper schedule for yourself so you can actually see in real time what his input is here?

I imagine like any devoted parent you wouldn’t really have time for dating- I’m a single parent who works full time and I certainly don’t have the time to date (or the inclination). He seems to have lots of free time to go out making new connections and having sex with people. And how does that actually work by the way? Does he stay over at peoples houses, does he have someone/ a few someones that he sees on the regular? What rules do you have in place? for example does he have to share everything with you, is it ok with you if he has emotional connections or just sterile shags etc? If he develops feelings is he able to continue pursuing it or does he have to drop it? Have you actually discussed any of this?

The basic thing here @thislittleworldofmine is that your husband wasn't prepared to meet your sexual needs.

You cast it as you not meeting his needs, so he has to go elsewhere.

But it works both ways - he was demanding things of you sexually which you were not prepared to do. I'm guessing a certain type of "non-reproductive penetrative" intercourse he's seen on porn - I'm trying to be circumspect here <ahem> which is often the issue in marriages - husband wants this kind of sex (he's seen it on porn), wife doesn't.

So instead of HIM coming to terms with your boundaries and respecting them, he inveigles you - via all sorts of therapy-speak and an outside "coach" - into him sleeping around.

He's not meeting your needs.

Yes I mean it could be that, or it could be some kind of fantasy stuff, porn use together, it could be anything really….if you were prepared to say what it was it might give us slightly more insight into this guys mindset

That was my take on it as well.
What an entitled POS he is.

This gets worse and worse. Your daughter wants nothing to do with her father? Doesn’t that tell you something?

My daughter is autistic and he struggles to communicate on her level.

Yes I mean it could be that, or it could be some kind of fantasy stuff, porn use together, it could be anything really….if you were prepared to say what it was it might give us slightly more insight into this guys mindset

Over time it has been at first regularity and then variety. I had difficulties with pain and the exhaustion of young kids which led to the regularity and then the variety stuff - well lets just say in the end I tried quite a lot of things I didn't initially want to and I think my body kind of knew I wasn't into it and the more I did the less I wanted.

Yes I think I could manage on 40,000 without his contribution towards costs and I def think he could manage on 150,000 but it would impact his ability to retire comfortably.

I think if you left your husband and removed yourself from this fog around your relationship you'd realised how much he is controlling you. It's like you're worrying more about his wellbeing than your own. He's got you bent over backwards meeting his needs and you still think that you're being unreasonable.

Do you have concerns about him being alone with your daughter?

but it would impact his ability to retire comfortably.

Again, thinking of his comfort, not yours!

Maybe your body is trying to tell you something like major ick

He's nuts, are you really putting up with this? Dump this imbecile

I don't think things are as bad as people are making them out to be.
We had mismatched sexual needs.
We tried to sort it ourselves and couldn't
He has sorted for himself
We have stayed friends and are still in same house to support finances and so that I am in a position to support my daughter in ways that work for her needs.
I wasn't sure if I had done something that was unreasonable...there are mixed views on this - I have apologised at any rate. I can see where people might read between the lines but I don't think it is really any more than this.

You haven’t answered questions about whether you discussed any rules with his poly arrangements, because this would clarify a few things. Personally I think he’s the kind of guy that can’t leave one relationship until he’s firmly settled into another, he’s done the cheating on his wife thing, he’s just gained your permission. That doesn’t mean he’s going to tell you everything that goes on, or when he falls in love with someone else and tells them, and then bad mouths you and the connection you have etc. Did you even lay down any groundrules or just let him run with it.

I have to add that I don’t believe ground rules make much difference in a situation like this, he will inevitably meet someone he wants more with at some point, because at the moment he’s looking and trying out various women for size. I’m just interested in whether you even had this conversations prior to letting him roam free.

He will likely find someone where his retirement plans can go ahead if that’s a priority for him. Are you married? Do you share property etc?

But now you're apparently not allowed to sort anything for yourself if you want to in future.

He seems to be the one who gets to lay down the law and you're not even allowed to discuss it with him.

You haven’t answered questions about whether you discussed any rules with his poly arrangements, because this would clarify a few things. Personally I think he’s the kind of guy that can’t leave one relationship until he’s firmly settled into another, he’s done the cheating on his wife thing, he’s just gained your permission. That doesn’t mean he’s going to tell you everything that goes on, or when he falls in love with someone else and tells them, and then bad mouths you and the connection you have etc. Did you even lay down any groundrules or just let him run with it.

I have to add that I don’t believe ground rules make much difference in a situation like this, he will inevitably meet someone he wants more with at some point, because at the moment he’s looking and trying out various women for size. I’m just interested in whether you even had this conversations prior to letting him roam free.

Yes we did, at first we tried the you can have sex but no emotional connections route. He was not keen on this as he needed an emotional connection to feel comfortable. He backed off and just went to professional services. When he was feeling the waters of another actual relationship he was telling me way too much and I asked him to just tell me the bare minimum. He heard this as me not wanting to hear anything and was pretty upset so he didn't tell me any information for a while. At the moment I am at the point that I honestly don't mind if he wants or needs a haram, I just don't need all the details and don't want to be part of it. What he actually has is a professional who is 'tutoring' him and he is not sure what he is going to do after this but is pretty sure it is not monogamous. There may be a few details missed but this is the gist of it.

Right, so he’s actively seeking out romantic and sexual connections in I suppose the hope of finding the one, the one who will fulfil all his fantasies and be on the same wavelength sexually and emotionally. He’s left you already OP, isn’t it time you started building that new life for yourself?

if you click on quote on the comment that you want to reply to, it will show what you are replying to rather than copy and pasting it x

It’s not yout fault you’ve struggled with libido and it sounds like you’ve really put him and his needs front and centre to try to make things work better. It’s unlikely that his selfish emotionally deficient nature has just sprung up out of nowhere and could be a massive contributory factor as to why you started to withdraw and stop feeling as much desire to begin with. Was he the type of man that after you had the kids he felt he wasn’t getting any attention, rather than seeing it as as much of a responsibility as you had? Did he become the extra child? This happens with a certain type of man, and generally they go looking for that spark somewhere else- you know, when life gets real, they just can’t really handle it.

Do you recognise yourself when you look in the mirror?

Genuine question.

We had mismatched sexual needs.

Sex isn't a need. It's a want. It can be a really important want but it's not a need. The only 'need' in sex is the need for informed, enthusiastic consent. And the kinds of sex he wanted. No one needs anal or bondage or whatever he wanted. You can love that, want it, feel it's very important to you. But it's not a need.

You framing this as mismatched needs minimises the issue, that you were having unwanted sex. Unless you're a stunning actress, he must have known that whatever he decided to try wasn't something that was working for you. Not really really working for you.

I get the impression that the sex therapist was an enabler. I mean it didn't work at all so they must be pretty shit.

He backed off and just went to professional services.

Hold on does that mean he used prostituted women?

Please don’t beat yourself up anymore about things you said to him. This is a guy that is already wholeheartedly moving on, and has plainly told you he’s looking for sex, and an emotional connection with one or more other women. But he blows a gasket when you tentatively mention the future and whether it might be best to knock it on the head, and you are basically asking permission for the at present hypothetical scenario of one day maybe meeting someone more on your wavelength, and whether it would be ok to have something with someone else.

This guy is full blown narcissistic, the fact he’s managed to talk you around to this shows he’s very good at what he does, and despite how shady he is, he’s got you constabrly on the back foot, questioning yourself and your “insensitivity” towards him, and his little fantasy of how he thinks this should be. His good little wife under lock and key at home, while he goes out banging all and sundry. He’s made you feel like crap, you are not compatible, and he’s already given up on you (actions speak louder than words) but he wants to keep a hold of you in case he doesn’t find anything better or permanent, and because keeping you indoors means no doubt he doesn’t have to do much childcare or be on his own with his daughter, but have more time for shagging adventures. For him this is all the best case scenario until he finds a more stable and permanent fantasy woman that he can have that retirement with and not lose out too much financially or with ego pampering/ having a mummy at home to take care of him. Do you do his chores and make his home nice? Are you washing his dirty underpants and ironing his shirts for his dates?