Am I acting in retaliation?

[thislittleworldofmine]

My h and I have a one side open relationship. We have spent the last 18months where he has explored very slowly into other sexual options. He currently has sex regularly but doesn't have a girlfriend. Our own relationship is now sexless as part way through the journey I discovered I didn't want to be sexually active with someone who was sexually active with others. This hurt him a great deal and he felt I did it in retaliation. We got through that and I have again come up against something he feels is retaliation. I asked tonight if he would consider me having the same freedom as he has been afforded. I reassured him I was not looking, I had no male attention offered to me and that I didn't intend to act on the freedom in any way, shape or form but that I would like it to be a possibility in the future. He has basically spun out and said that he took 18 months of careful consideration of my feelings and he expected the same from me and if I didn't want it why was I asking and therefore it must be either something I want or a form of retaliation. Am I being blind to my own behaviour?

1- you haven’t been unfair. Actually it sounds like you’ve done a hell of a lot of accommodating when he has done fuck all.

2- nice to see you supporting him. When is he supporting you in return? Instead of going to a gig in his iwn to punish you!

Of course you can change your mind.. and i would get it if the OP realised that they didn't like their partner having sex with other people and just wanted them to have sex with OP. but the OP has realised they also want sex with other people and not their partner..

I actually don't. I don't know if I ever will, I just wanted to be open to the possibility at some point in the future. It was never part of the agreement and I can see I was out of line to have the conversation. I have apologised.

Yes but where he’s going wrong is he still wants your devotion and I’m amazed he didn’t have the foresight to see that the result of his solution, wouldn’t be increased devotion from you. Maybe he did, maybe h thought you’d be so jealous you’d want to reclaim him. You want him to be happy- I get that, I want my brothers and my friends to be happy with women that they can have everthing with. It’s abnormal for you to feel that same thing for your partner. You love him like a brother,

You sound so small and cowed and submissive OP. It's really sad. You only seem to see what you owe, what you promised, what other people need. What about you? I assume you both made an agreement to be faithful well before your agreement that he can have sex with other people. And you were having sex. Just not as much as he wanted.

Please find your power and your voice. Please think about your needs, not just his.

You want him to be happy- I get that, I want my brothers and my friends to be happy with women that they can have everthing with. It’s abnormal for you to feel that same thing for your partner. You love him like a brother,

Yes, I had to let him go to be at peace with it all and while I love him, I no longer view us as being together. I think he would really love me to sort that out and work no my sexuality and fix things. I am sad that I don't think that is the solution. I think that the solution is what we have of staying friends and being kind to one another and creating a situation where I can meet the needs of our daughter. I am still figuring out what being friends looks like and I guess I wanted to know if it would ever look like me being in another relationship. He is not ready to think or discuss this and I get that.

Please find your power and your voice. Please think about your needs, not just his.

Thank you. This is what I am trying to do and exactly what I did the day I told him I could not commit to meeting his sexual needs as I couldn't keep myself safe.... but I am trying to do it with kindness and love and consideration of his feelings - I think it is clear from many responses here that I didn't pull this off last night.

Don’t apologise for raising it with him, it’s reality- he open d the relationship and you don’t want any other man, you’re just in defence mode. You expect to lose him anyway, and the little desire you had left for him is gone. Essentially you have emotionally and mentally started to disconnect from him. You’re asking him how he’d feel if you were doing the exact same thing he is doing, arent you. There’s a very slim chance he won’t meet sonoene he really connects with through his gallivanting, and then where will you be, when it’s him wanting to separate so he can move in with the other woman?

It is really concerning how much you are blaming yourself here. You haven’t done anything wrong. You have tried your best. It is very normal for libido to go if you don’t feel safe sexually - and by that I am not referring to abuse. Even mismatched desires and feeling pressure to do certain things (which can come from within because you want to please) can create that feeling. As others have said, if you are going to have an open relationship there needs to be regular reassessment as feelings and boundaries change. It is totally valid if you only want sex in a monogamous relationship and also don’t want the type of sex your husband does. It’s valid that you might want another sexual relationship in the future. Your husband can be sad at the situation but he has no reason to be cross with you and going to the show without you is just mean. It sounds as though you need to make the decision the relationship is over, even if you stay living together temporarily in which case neither of you has a say on who the other sleeps with. I expect you apologise a lot to him unecessarily. It might be worth some therapy just for you to explore some of this. Best wishes, it sounds so tricky.

The relationship is gone, he just moved on with other woman before it was fully done and dusted. He likes the set up at home and probably had fondness for you and for all you do for him, clearly he loves and fancies you, but he won’t be wanting to go back to a monogamous set up, and not one where he isn’t getting all he wants. You are incompatible and loving someone like a brother will not lead to any passionate sex life, be honest with him about this. You may meet someone better suited and feel lots for them sexually and emotionally in time.

It is really concerning how much you are blaming yourself here.

It's concerning to me too @Onelifeonly22

At the moment it is not what he wants. He just wants to explore and have fun and experience all the things I couldn't offer. I think I am maybe a little more realistic and can see that finding someone who just wants a fling may be easier said than done but that is his journey. He is the one at the moment who doesn't want to rock the boat financially and I can absolutely see that leaving would be very problematic for my daughter's needs. I am okay with the situation, I think it is the best one out of the options, not perfect but livable. Financially I think I could survive but it would jeopardise his retirement plans and he doesn't understand why I would mess the money side up over all of this.

There is such a lot of pseudo therapy speak in your words op. I mean outsource, seriously? Did you use that word as you struggle to accept he’s sleeping with other women so use words like outsource to make it seem cold?

can I ask why you told him you wish another relationship when you’re no where near doing so?

You are incompatible and loving someone like a brother will not lead to any passionate sex life, be honest with him about this. You may meet someone better suited and feel lots for them sexually and emotionally in time.

I have tried to explain that I had to let go of him to make peace with him being with other people - I guess I thought it might be okay to start wondering if there may be a better fit for me one day and that was the conversation I tried to have - I wasn't asking for anything now just to open the possibility for the future. I think this is incompatible with our current situation and maybe it is something I could look in the future where living together is no longer the sensible choice.

There is such a lot of pseudo therapy speak in your words op. I mean outsource, seriously? Did you use that word as you struggle to accept he’s sleeping with other women so use words like outsource to make it seem cold?

Outsourcing is a word that came from the sex and libido coach. I didnt intend for it to sound cold.

can I ask why you told him you wish another relationship when you’re no where near doing so?
This was his point and I get it - I don't want another relationship, I just wanted to see if it might be a possibility in the future....I get I was out of line and I have apologised for this to him, he saw it as retaliation and I see that it hurt.

I'm sorry, this is going to read very harshly and I don't want to hurt you.

But please for the love of your daughter get some assertiveness training and do The Freedom Program.

It would be the worst gift you could ever give your daughter to teach her by example to be as submissive and self-erasing as you are currently being, @thislittleworldofmine

She deserves infinitely better. So do you, but in the end it's your life and choice. But please teach her better.

I'm sorry, this is going to read very harshly and I don't want to hurt you.

But please for the love of your daughter get some assertiveness training and do The Freedom Program.

It would be the worst gift you could ever give your daughter to teach her by example to be as submissive and self-erasing as you are currently being, **

She deserves infinitely better. So do you, but in the end it's your life and choice. But please teach her better.

I get that I honestly do - it is something I have considered at length. My daughter is very, very clear she does not want him involved in her care and if we leave he is very clear that he wants to have shared care.

But you didn’t need to apologise and you didn’t answer rhe question. “I just wanted to see” isn’t an answer. I’m not sure you’re being honest. Was it retaliation. Were you trying to hurt him?

OP your needs and wants are just as important and valid as his whether they are compatible with his or not.

He thinks you shouldn't want sex with others because he'd always be there to provide it, however he's now having sex with others so you don't want to have sex with him.

He has a future with sex, passion, excitement etc, and you should be able to also if you want it.

He thinks that he can give you what you want, but he can't because the relationship is now totally different since it's been opened.

It is NOT retaliation to stop having sex with him when he started sleeping to others. You just didn't want to.
It is NOT retaliation to think about your own future and what you might like in it.

There is so much that is concerning in your posts I don't really know where to start, other than if I was married to this man, I certainly wouldn't want to fuck him either. It's over. Get out. For all your sakes, and stop apologising for taking up the modicum of space you are doing and learn how to get comfortable with taking up more, and how to prioritise yourself. He will never. There is no room for you in this relationship, no wonder you can not breathe, or think straight.

That’s precisely it isn’t it, that she’s unable to think straight, he’s managed to leave her without leaving her, and experience all the newness of single life. My concern is that she is too trusting and seeing things black and white, like this situation will continue as it is forever if she just doesn’t rock the boat and leave. It won’t, he will fall in love with someone else, and pretend he’s just having casual sex, he’s meeting real women, with feelings. It won’t be long but he may not want to tell her because then the financial and child situation will get tricky, and meanwhile the years pass by with her emotional alone, for what

op if you still want to do the best by your child which you believe means living together, then end your relationship, live as friends, and have the freedom of the potential of one day dating someone else, and let him get on with it.

Outsourcing is a word that came from the sex and libido coach. I didnt intend for it to sound cold.

@thislittleworldofmine he’s really done a number on you. He’s keeping all the advantages of marriage while completely undermining you. Instead of working on rekindling the sexual spark in your marriage, which might require him to put you before him, he’s sleeping around like a slag. He’s selfish.

You sound so submissive, as if you’ve lost yourself.

What goes on between you emotionally? Because from the outside, from what you’re saying, you’re being subject to a kind of coercive control.

My daughter is very, very clear she does not want him involved in her care and if we leave he is very clear that he wants to have shared care.

That's chilling.

He's an abusive arsehole, isn't he? And your reactions are the result of trying to live with this and keep yourself slightly safer.

I'm so sorry OP.

My daughter is very, very clear she does not want him involved in her care and if we leave he is very clear that he wants to have shared care

This gets worse and worse. Your daughter wants nothing to do with her father? Doesn’t that tell you something?

He’s sounding more and more like some sort of monster.

How old is your daughter? Once children reach early teens, their wishes about residency are taken into account by the Family Court in divorce.

Is he the sole earner OP?

The "etiquette" is that every couple decides for themselves how they are going to do it...I'm all for consenting adults deciding what's right for them and for others minding their own business, but really, I couldn't agree that it's ok for one person to do as they wish while not allowing the other to do their own thing, be that sex or abstinence with anyone or the partner.