Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I acting in retaliation?

338 replies

thislittleworldofmine · 04/09/2024 08:05

My h and I have a one side open relationship. We have spent the last 18months where he has explored very slowly into other sexual options. He currently has sex regularly but doesn't have a girlfriend. Our own relationship is now sexless as part way through the journey I discovered I didn't want to be sexually active with someone who was sexually active with others. This hurt him a great deal and he felt I did it in retaliation. We got through that and I have again come up against something he feels is retaliation. I asked tonight if he would consider me having the same freedom as he has been afforded. I reassured him I was not looking, I had no male attention offered to me and that I didn't intend to act on the freedom in any way, shape or form but that I would like it to be a possibility in the future. He has basically spun out and said that he took 18 months of careful consideration of my feelings and he expected the same from me and if I didn't want it why was I asking and therefore it must be either something I want or a form of retaliation. Am I being blind to my own behaviour?

OP posts:
Original poster
thislittleworldofmine · 04/09/2024 09:29

It sounds to me the relationship in your head is over - have you told him this?
We are both clear that we are working on a friendship level but we are still living together and still care about each other so I want to be very mindful of his feelings and boundaries.

OP posts:
MoveToParis · 04/09/2024 09:35

He is such a hypocrite.

He needs to be brought to the understanding that him “being open” is sexually repellent to you.

His thinking is that you are required to tank up with him, and are only permitted to go elsewhere when his pumps have run dry. That is the actual level of his thinking- and it really demonstrates how much he sees sex as transactional. No wonder your desire for him dwindled when he was using like a living sock for him to wank into.

You obviously have had several months or years to consider what is going on here, and yes of course he was retaliating. He’s really selfish which is why you’re in this situation.

Honestly, once you know that you can have sex with other people without his say so you will definitely find your libido returning.

You are going to be having some really difficult conversations over the next few months. But you are allowed to have rules and standards he doesn’t like too.

But I would also ask the hypothetical question: why is you living your life with the freedom he takes for granted a retaliation? Why is equality so offensive to him? It’s because he wants his own sex life on his terms, and funnily enough he wants your sex life on his terms too. Fuck That.

Clownwithafrown · 04/09/2024 09:41

He doesn't appear to be being mindful of your feelings or boundaries OP so I'm wondering why you feel you need to be mindful of his?

buttonsB4 · 04/09/2024 09:50

I find this set up so bizarre.

You've decided that you're just friends and co-parents, your relationship doesn't really work anymore and for logistics/financial/ease you're still living together.

He wants to and does sleep with other people. You don't want to add benefits to your relationship unless it's monogamous, but he doesn't want to be monogamous, nor does he want you to sleep with other people.

Is that right?

Original poster
thislittleworldofmine · 04/09/2024 09:57

buttonsB4 - I guess we are still working it all out.

He sleeps with other people and wishes to continue to do so not matter the status of our relationship.

I wasn't cool with being part of a harem and so called the sex between us off

We have stayed together because we genuinely like each other, have children and the financial implications

It was only meant to be a bridge the gap arrangement in the beginning i.e. he had a higher sex drive and we hadn't come up with anything between us that met his needs so we looked at outsourcing.

I was never after anything else but can see I may not always feel that way and thought I would test the waters about how he felt.

He didn't feel good about the idea.

OP posts:
YellowAsteroid · 04/09/2024 09:58

thislittleworldofmine · 04/09/2024 09:18

Hmmm, just had a bit of an update and I am a little annoyed - we were meant to go to a show tonight but he said he wasn't in the mood due to our discussion. He went out and I thought it was to cool off but he has messaged me to say he went to the show anyway - now that feels a bit like retaliation but perhaps I am reading too much into it.

Manipulative and emotional blackmail. Is this the environment in which to raise your DC?

Ohcrap082024 · 04/09/2024 10:11

He’s really done a number on you. It’s all about his wants, needs, boundaries, feelings. And you refer to him having sex with other people as “outsourcing”. Most couples outsource childcare, cleaning or gardening.

This whole set up puts him firmly in the centre because that is exactly where he expects to be. He is punishing you for even considering that you have needs too.

Do you have dc with him?

BlastedPimples · 04/09/2024 10:23

He's gone to the show without you? God. He's just nasty. Get out.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/09/2024 10:27

Fucking hell, get a divorce already and move on with your lives.

yeesh · 04/09/2024 10:29

Wow, what a shit show. So basically he can do whatever he wants and you have to do what he says? He can shag who he likes but you have to stay at home & wait for him? You can’t go to the show as you have hurt his feelings but he can go to the show? Why are you putting up with this. The open relationship thing was the beginning of then end really, you would be a fool to put up with his shitty behaviour.

MonsteraMama · 04/09/2024 10:35

If you're both in agreement that you're just living together as friends then be doesn't get to have boundaries around who you sleep with. Would you let any of your other friends dictate that?

I don't agree with poly relationships at all and think, based on what I've seen amongst friends, that they always end in tears eventually. BUT this isn't even close to the handful of vaguely healthy poly relationships I have encountered which were all built on trust, communication, and an understanding that opinions and feelings are fluid and changeable and that constant refreshment of rules, comfort and boundaries is necessary. Your "husband" just wants to shag around and keep you cosseted up at home. That's not an open relationship, it's a joke.

WhisperGold · 04/09/2024 11:40

Give him an inch....

MrsColinRobinson · 04/09/2024 12:49

Stop thinking of this man as your friend, he really isn't.

Has he ever asked you what you want?

He sounds like a selfish bully.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 04/09/2024 12:54

thislittleworldofmine · 04/09/2024 09:29

It sounds to me the relationship in your head is over - have you told him this?
We are both clear that we are working on a friendship level but we are still living together and still care about each other so I want to be very mindful of his feelings and boundaries.

Then he has no say in who you sleep with, now and in the future. I'm not sure why you're so concerned about his feelings when a) you don't seem to actually be together and b) he has zero regard for your feelings.

bifurCAT · 04/09/2024 13:08

So, just want to confirm the situation...

You had a 'good' sexual relationship, and he said he wanted to open it up? Or were you not interested in sex at the time, and as a result he wanted to open it up? That point is key.

I think there's a big difference between you not being interested, him going elsewhere, and then you (seemingly) wanting to be with other men. That suggests you don't want HIM.

Versus, both of you having a good sex life and him wanting to sleep around. That suggests he just wanted more/varied sex.

He'd have a right to be upset if it was the first situation, and you'd have all right to the option of sleeping with others in the second situation.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/09/2024 13:23

We have stayed together because we genuinely like each other, have children and the financial implications

Let's be clear. This man doesn't genuinely like you. He might find utility in you being there, but you as a full, realised, human being? No.

summerdress81 · 04/09/2024 14:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Seas164 · 04/09/2024 14:48

He doesn't like you and he's not your friend. Do not spend any more time working out if you're being fair, this feels like a fuckaround because it is one.

He isn't in the mood? Tough shit. Any open relationship, most especially one which is one sided, needs excellent communication, and the intention needs to be bang on. You've got neither. He is showing you very clearly that he is not interested at all in what you want or need, and flounced off to a show you had tickets for "on his own" because of a conversation you've had regarding you possibly wanting to do THE EXACT SAME THING he's been doing?

His ego is too large and too fragile to be in any open relationship set up. He is wounded that you didn't want to have sex with him every time he wanted it, and now he's doubly wounded at the thought of you having sex with someone else. But it's ok for him?

Get out, this is about to get very messy.

TheCatterall · 04/09/2024 16:14

You are not in a relationship. You are coparenting and living together. That’s where you are now.

how’s that working for you? Are your emotional etc needs being met? Are you walking on eggshells around certain topics or avoiding them? Are you happy for this to continue another 20 or 30 years?

How would living separately so you weren’t under each others feet and could go off on days out together etc help? Bit of space to see the situation?

Caramellie3 · 04/09/2024 16:24

It sounds one sided. You don’t have sex with each other but he sleeps around. He has put you off him by the sounds of things with his behaviour. Plus the health issues. I would choose to separate personally. An open relationship is where you both agree to do the same thing?

OuterSpaceCadet · 04/09/2024 16:30

OP I just want to beg you to start putting yourself first! When did you internalise the message that a man's needs are more important than your own? If you're living together as friends - and I understand why you're doing that - then he does not get any say over who you might be romantic with now or ever. Just as you haven't asked too many questions about his sex life.

If you want to do something like go out, do it! Just like he did.

He has become used to treating you as a support human, a bit part to his main character energy. He needs to be reminded that you, and all women, are fully human in your own right with your own desires.

RubyRosieRoyce · 04/09/2024 16:33

It’s sounds like you have slowly and painfully broken up. I’m not sure what he was expecting would come from this arrangement. you don't sleep together anymore, he has sex with others, he lacks the maturity to see this has fully dampened your drive for him, and instead calls it revenge. massive red flag there that he couldn't care less about your feelings. oh he doesn't want you doing what he does, I wonder why……

you don't need his permission, leave him to his cheap thrills and eventually find someone who is dense and pathetic.

RubyRosieRoyce · 04/09/2024 16:40

Find someone who is NOT dense and pathetic

MyToesAreHotNotInaSexyWay · 04/09/2024 16:51

Wow he's really done a number on you, he wants to sleep with other people and is having a strop because you don't fancy him any more. He wants to have his cake and eat and because you don't fancy him anymore you're being mean!!!
You agreed to try an open relationship, it didn't work for you which is absolutely fine, you tried and he should be super grateful for that, I suspect most women would have told him to fuck off. He sounds like a man child. Think about what you really want, this sounds shit

Naunet · 04/09/2024 16:53

He is taking the absolute piss out of you. Tell him now the arrangement either ap0ies to both of you, or it stops, you are not willing to let him fuck other people whilst you’re expected not to. He’s a huge hypocrite and I have no idea why you would agree to such a one sided arrangement in the first place, even if you didn’t want to sleep with anyone else, it’s the principle.

Swipe left for the next trending thread